Featured Lyrics:
You are coming home, are you still alone?
Are you not the same as you used to be?
As the sun grows high and you serve your time
Does each day just feel like another lie?
Now you know, is it just for show?
Just a foolish game that you hide behind?
Don't forget the nights when it all felt right
Are you not the same as you used to be?
Used to be
In an endless night could you feel the fright
Of an age that was and could never be?
So we hold it close when we feel the most
Like a love that we could not leave behind
Turn the wheel to each way we feel
Til I'm lost and I cannot find you there
Don't forget the nights when it all felt right
Are you not the same as you used to be?
Coming home any day now
Any day now, any day now
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
It was still the same Friday night when you meandered your way back to your dorm from the library. One drunk email later and you were sitting there, refreshing your inbox over and over. You could be patient, you were used to waiting sometimes up to a week for his reply. However, that particular moment had you itching for an update. You sat there with your head in your palms, resting the heavy weight against them. You could hear the buzzing of the fluorescent lights and the shuffling of wooden chairs. There were some students sprinkled around the library studying, even at this late hour.
It made you laugh thinking about the party you had just left and seeing the duality of what it was like to go to university. Unfamiliar faces, a dark and musty living room, and people drinking cheap beer. You could remember sitting on the couch, watching Annie disappear into the kitchen. No one was dancing or singing karaoke in the living room. It was just a series of blurry vignettes and shallow conversations. If it weren't for the bottle of vodka you nursed as you got ready, you would have remembered that uncomfortable air even clearer.
You remember even earlier that night, offering Annie a sip from the tall glass bottle. You remember the raised eyebrow that she gave you. "No thanks, I prefer darker tastes. Rum, brandy? You got any of that?"
With a shake of your head, you turned to the mirror to try and do your makeup. You never realized how hard it was to do on your own.
You suddenly looked up when the screen of the computer had fallen asleep. You must have sat there long enough in your daydream for the screensaver to turn on, reminding you of the stale environment you let yourself fade into.
The sudden pull of home tugged at your heart. It had been a month and a half of being away, of being alone. This was everything you had wanted, independence and discovery. What you were actually feeling reflected the realities of being a student, isolation and desperation.
There was one small sliver of hope left in you that made you check your inbox one last time. You had been here before, ruining your eyes as you bore into the computer screen, hoping that little button was bolded with a new email just for you. To your surprise, that last refresh brought you exactly what you were looking for.
You read Eren's words, muttering them out loud to try and comprehend his message.
He knew that you were sending an email late, after all the same moon that circled the sky in Marley was the same in Paradis. He still cried over you, maybe you were still an important part of his life. He couldn't move on, maybe there were some things that would never change. This separation was just the first big obstacle in your friendship. There was still hope. What that hope was for exactly, you weren't sure.
Was it hope that you could still be together despite the distance? Was it hope that your friendship was still as strong as ever? Was it hope that neither of you had changed beyond recognition? Whatever it was, that little spark within your flickered on.
Pleased with his response, you logged out of the computer, exited the library, and found yourself stumbling back to your dorms. In the fast-paced environment of campus life, you had developed a habit of reading Eren's emails as quickly as possible before rushing off to class without replying much to him. Because he took so long to respond, your emails back were filled with hasty updates on your life. You had to admit that there were days when you only skimmed his words.
You couldn't wait to spend the whole weekend with him, to just rest in his arms, to just recreate your life together. Just for one weekend, your lives would be in sync with each other.
Your hazy mind had led you from the library to bed, still wearing the clothes you wore at the party. Your eyelids felt heavy as you drifted off to sleep, feeling every second tick by closer and closer to coming home.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
You looked out the window of the ferry to see the familiar dock of Beach Umi greeting you with twinkling water and golden sand. You could practically smell the boardwalk food and hear the crowds of people. The beach was the last bit of home you could see over the curving horizon when you last left home. You remember drinking in every minuscule second of its view disappearing over the horizon. As you gazed out the window, coming from the opposite direction, you found yourself looking for it in anticipation.
You only had a small piece of luggage tugging behind you. It made you laugh to think of the comically large suitcase you brought with you the first time. It was filled to the brim with all the things you thought you needed at the time. Now, only a few essential pieces of clothing came along.
You rushed off the boat with all the other passengers, noticing how busy it was despite the colder mid-October air. You saw families and other students you recognized on campus. Maybe they were coming home for the holiday just like you.
There was a bit of planned time between disembarking the ferry and catching the train back to the suburbs. In your emails, you had asked Eren to pick you up from the docks in hopes to spend the afternoon with him. You were stretching your neck over the crowd to try and catch a glimpse of him. Although you had a small picture of you and your friends on your bedside table, nothing could compare to really seeing him.
You slithered your way through the busy crowd, trying to get to a clear spot where he could easily find you. It was next to the same railing you stood at when you came for his birthday in the spring. As the crowd thinned out, you continued looking for him like you subconsciously did whilst in Marley. He wasn't anywhere on the sand or close to the food stalls. He wasn't anywhere on the boardwalk or by the docks.
'Maybe he's waiting closer to the station,' you wondered as the sounds of the small wheels of your suitcase rolled along the uneven wooden planks. You looked around the train station, no longer busy as those who rode on the same ferry as you were already on their train ride home.
You did your best to hide the confusion and disappointment on your face. Were you mistaken? Was it wrong to assume that he was the first you'd see? Maybe he was waiting for you on the other side at the station near your home. Train tickets were expensive, after all. Maybe he was there to drive you home in that broken-down truck that eventually became another safe space you missed.
You glanced at the clock, there was still an hour until your scheduled train was to come. Although you had daydreamed of catching lunch at one of the stalls, sharing a corn dog or popcorn with Eren, you no longer felt hungry. Instead, you just sat and waited for the train, but deep down in your heart, you waited and looked out for Eren who never showed up.
You noticed that an earlier train wasn't as full as it could be and wondered if you should have changed your ticket. Regardless, you sat and continued to wait. The excitement of the station didn't feel like it used to. The anticipation of leaving home and exploring a new place was switched with a dull grey lull. At first, you didn't notice how quiet it was but as you sat there, you felt like you could only hear the splashing water and the murmurs of a few passengers. The sparkling sand looked rough and brown as hints of frost began to creep along the edges. The wind felt cold as it cut through your sweater, and although you used to love the chill, you shivered and tried to cover up your hands.
The second half of the hour didn't feel as long as the first. You finally boarded the train, holding on to that same sliver of hope that Eren would be on the other side. It would have been perfect. That tearful reunion at the station, the longing hugs, the lingering desire for a kiss. You felt like you had imagined it so many times that it was real.
When you found yourself alone at Shiganshina station, waiting so long that everyone on that train with you had already left, you realized that your delusion had left you with that same confusion and disappointment from before. Did he forget about you despite his promises not to? Were you foolish enough to trust that he would be there? It had only been a month and a half since you were home and yet nothing felt the way things used to be.
You walked over to a payphone with only enough coins to make one quick phone call. Your fingers hovered over his home phone. Maybe you should call him, ask him to pick you up? Maybe you should brush away your disappointment, your annoyance? Maybe it just slipped his mind, you knew that he had the tendency to be careless.
"Hey...mom? Could you or Hannes pick me up from the station?...Yeah, I'm home now...No, he's not here, I dunno...Okay, thanks, see you soon."
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
"Honey, are you hungry? It was probably a long trip for you," your mom asked as you lay flat on the couch. Your old bedroom was under a quick paint job, leaving the living room as your temporary sleeping space. The bed was still there but Hannes thought the fumes wouldn't be safe to sleep in.
You weren't sure how to answer your mother. It was late afternoon, a few hours after she had picked you up from the train station. Despite your excitement about being back home, you plopped onto the couch and fell into a deep nap. When you woke up to your mother's voice, your mouth felt dry and your head felt achy. The change in the season meant that the sun was already beginning to set, cascading a pink and orange light through the windows.
You sat up and looked up at your mother with dry eyes. "Did Eren call?"
She pursed her lips and shook her head. "No, sorry, hon." You stood to follow her into the kitchen where she was already making dinner. "Why don't you reach out?"
It seemed like a simple solution to your problem. It was a routine that you were used to. Eren would be distant, you would reach out. It seemed like that although it was easy to bring him back to you, it was just as easy for him to leave.
You had always imagined your homecoming to be this grand hurrah as he runs to see you. He would hold his arms wide with a tearful expression and you would jump straight into his embrace. You would spin around unsteadily before you both landed on the ground, his strong hands protecting your head as you fell. Instead, you were alone and stuck with the thin strings of your memories to hold onto.
5 Years Ago
"Welcome home, Eren!" you cheered, giving the young boy a hug on his front lawn. "How was summer camp? I missed you so much."
Eren's face was stoic and stiff as he placed his bag down on the ground. "It was...fine."
You raised your eyebrows and tilted your head to the side. "Fine? You leave me for a few weeks to go to this awesome summer camp and you say it's just fine?"
"Y/N, leave it."
You could tell that he was less than interested in recounting his summer despite being surrounded by all your mutual friends in the forest, away from any parents. Just the outdoors, games, fires, and water. You, on the other hand, were forced to stay home, watching the days roll by endlessly. Your mom said something about not being able to afford it.
"Well, my summer was super boring," you began. "All I did was read and paint and get nagged by my mom." You started to lift your arms from his body to release him from your tight embrace only to have him grip your forearms.
"Tell...tell me more," he muttered. He seemed so tired and stiff. You knew that his mother wasn't back home yet from her treatments, maybe that's why he seemed so upset. After all, the whole reason he was sent to summer camp was to keep him occupied while the rest of his family was in Marley. "I don't really want to talk about what happened at summer camp. I just want to catch up with you. I missed you."
You slowly nodded and rested back against him. As your muscles relaxed from his touch you could hear his breathing slow. You told him about all the books you were reading and despite his disinterest in reading, he listened closely. You told him about a new painting you were working on and despite his inability to even draw a circle, he listened closely. You told him about your mom who had been getting stricter with chores ever since she started dating this new guy with a moustache so blonde, it looked like corn on the cob was growing on his upper lip. He came over every once in a while, but you weren't sure how long this whole thing would work out with your mom. Despite your initial disdain for the new man, Eren smiled and said, "I'm glad your family is doing well."
Present Day
You stared at the home phone that was sitting on the wall. You had already tried to call Eren's home once, earlier that afternoon. You never used to hesitate to dial his number. You even noticed how worn the number pad was from how much you used to call him. Now, just a simple phone call had too many implications and too many risks.
You remember listening to the fuzzy ringing through the line being replaced by the click of the receiver and then, by a raspy voice on the other line. "H-Hello?"
The voice was barely audible and barely recognizable, but underneath the shallow breathing was someone unforgettable. "Hi, Carla. It's me, Y/N. How are you doing?"
You could hear his gasp into a cough and you instantly regretted your choice to call. "Y/N! Sweetie! Are you back home?"
Even through the phone, you could feel her warmth that you seemed to have taken for granted. You smiled, wanting to talk more and more with her. "Yes! I just came in this afternoon." You paused for a moment, wondering if you should say what you wanted to next."I actually thought Eren was coming to pick me up from the beach."
Carla hummed in recognition and you could hear her try to laugh. "Ah, sorry, sweetie. I thought he would have told you. He's working a lot this weekend since most of his co-workers booked the holiday off."
"O-oh...okay, I understand." You didn't understand. You were again disappointed and confused. Your head hung low and you tried to keep your voice positive in hopes that Carla wouldn't notice. Maybe there was something you missed in his emails. You were always too busy to read too deeply into them, you only ever really had enough time to update him on your life. "Is my family still coming over for Thanksgiving tomorrow?"
You could hear her laugh into a hacking cough once again. Every time it happened, you felt guilt seeping in. Endlessly talking to Carla was something you had always done. You knew that she was always more than willing to keep the conversation going. "I'm sorry dear, I'm not in the best condition for Thanksgiving this year. I know we used to always have it at our house." She paused and sighed so loud, you could hear it through the phone. "I don't think Grisha and Zeke aren't coming home this year anyways. And Eren...that boy...he's working again tomorrow."
Working again. You were starting to feel disdain for that word, noticing the way your eyebrows knit together at the sound of it. It seemed to always show up as a convenient reason for his poor absence throughout your adolescence. Work kept him from coming to school, to showing up at your art show in high school, to spending a simple weekend with you. Was it really that much more important to him?
"You're free to come over and visit at any time, sweetie," you heard Carla say, stealing you back from your thoughts. "We haven't had our book club in a while, but your mother and I have been keeping up."
You considered the offer, unsure where your heart lay. Although there was nothing you could see that was inherently different about this life you left behind, there were many things that had changed from what they used to be.
"Thanks, Carla. You better rest up. Hopefully, I'll see you soon."
"Alright, Y/N, see you again soon."
As you moved to hand the phone back on the receiver, you could still hear her coughing through the line.
Now, as the sky became dark and the day started to end, you were only staring at the phone, recounting the conversation you had. You couldn't deny the annoyance that was simmering in your chest. It was like an irradiating bubbling that had only grown as you lay on the couch. There was no telling when you would get to see him.
Just as your eyes began to fall and the darkness of the living room took over, a loud ringing from the telephone shot through your ears causing you to snap up. Looking over at the clock, it was nearly 11 PM and although it felt too good to be true, there was no one else you expected to be calling this late at night.
You rushed over, feeling your hands shaking as you pulled the phone off the receiver. Gripping the coiled wire between your fingers, you stuttered a hushed, "Eren?"
"It's me," the voice said, loud and clear. "I'm so sorry." He was straight to apologize before you could even say hello.
His voice cut through the fuzzy landline like clear bells. It had been over a month since you last heard his dulcet tones and it only took a few words for you to melt. You could feel your heartbeat racing, unsure if it was from the hastiness in which you ran to the phone or in your body's inherent reaction to everything about him. Remembering that it was getting harder and harder to read his short and inconsistent emails in his voice, you tried to memorize the way he sounded.
You didn't give him another chance to make any more excuses before you could give him a hug, before you could smell him again, before he could let you go any further. "Can I see you?" you asked, more as an expectation rather than a request.
The sound of Eren's inhale sent shivers down your spine. You could tell that he was hesitating. "Alright," he finally said after what felt like an eternity. "Meet me by the forest behind my house."
You were already reaching for your sweater before clicking the phone back onto the wall.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
Author's Note:
Hello lovelies! It's taken me a bit of time to write this chapter because...to be honest, I'm a bit nervous about what we have coming up. I really don't want to spoil anything and I may be overthinking it, but nervous is the only way I can describe how I feel. Our story is far from over (we haven't even had the time skip yet lol), but I think because I've thought A LOT about my future plans, I get nervous.
Anyways, I hope you enjoyed and thank you again for all the support you've given me. I think I'm feeling this way because I care a lot about this story and I want to continue to do a good job for you all.
I will be back with more soon!
- zel