I had two weeks before the Australian GP.
I left Jeddah alone and flew back home, to my parents. I needed some peace, a quiet place where I could relax, actually rest. Mike came a few days later and we started some easier trainings. After he heard what happened that night, he was more worried than ever.
After another check up at the private clinic where I was in treatment, this time with Mike on my side, the doc repeated me how much important it would be to have another implantation of staminas.
I needed help to think about what to do. Having now the surgery, even if it's a small one, would mean miss at least a race, as it's necessary to get some rest after it. I couldn't have it now but I knew that I needed it at the same time. It was a hard decision.
Before flying to Melbourne I decided to have a long session with Hannah, not virtually on a video call or whatever, but in person. That's why I took the first flight to London to reach her studio. During the pandemic and the recovering, it was impossible for me to go there, but now it was for the best. A session face to face with a therapist will definitely help.
"Kiara, you came!" Hannah was a bit surprised when I entered her office and took a seat on the comfortable couch in front of her. She had every rights to believe I wouldn't come here as I jumped some of the last sessions lately.
"Hi, Hannah. Listen, first of all I'd like to apologize to you for the short notice of my visit."
"No need to apologize. I've told you thousand times that my doors will be always opened for you. Let me just ask you why are you here though. You declined the last calls, I thought you were more than ok with it. What brings you here? It must be important, am I right?"
Through these years even if she saw me in person just a few times, she learned all my habits. The way I bite the inside of my cheek when I'm nervous, or how I bounce up and down my good leg when I'm worried, how much my hands are usually sweaty. But not just these, she understood me completely, all my complexed personality was like an open book for her.
"I'm in a big mess, Han."
"And why's that? Let's start from the beginning, ok?"
As soon as I started telling her about the events of the last weeks, I realized how much I needed this, talking with someone who could listen and don't judge me. Opening up with her was the easiest way to release all the bad thoughts that filled my mind.
I told her about the first races, what the doctor told me, my worries about it, the messy night I had and the stupid fight with Lando. Speaking of him, he tried several times to contact me. My phone kept vibrating for calls and texts all day till now, but I've always ignored it.
Hannah took some notes on her small notebook, maybe because I was talking faster than my racing car. She had to follow me in all the mess I was in, it wasn't easy I guess.
"Ok, so in other words, you're worried for your career. But what I can't really understand is why did you spout back at Lando? He was jealous, I got it, but I can't blame him. He was waiting for you, you didn't show up or even respond to him, then he found you half naked with another guy. Strong relationships are based on full trust and we both know you have to work on this, above all 'cause everything is new for you."
"I don't know." I sighed loudly, passing a hand in the hair. "Maybe I yelled at him only because I was angry, angry with myself, not really with him."
"And why's that again? It is not your fault if you need another surgery."
"I know this too but- argh. Why do I feel so..."
"Scared?"
Hannah suggested but was I really scared? Another surgery, another risk for my leg and life in general, another wasted chance for my career, another delusion.
Ok, maybe I was scared.
"Yeah, I think you're right." My hands were now brushing my face, up and down repeatedly as if I was trying to remove what was bothering me.
"It's a small surgery, one of the smallest you've ever had. Moreover it's a surgery you've already tried, so it's a good thing to know what it will be like. I think there's no problem or risk in it. Kiara, you just reached a checkpoint in your rehab. It's up to you now, you have to decide what's the best for you. Do you care more about yourself, your well being and life or your career?"
She was so right. Too much right. How didn't I notice before? This surgery is basically a shot of staminas. I have to stay in the hospital for just a night, then I need to start the physiotherapy for at least a week. It hurts a bit, I'm not gonna lie, but it should help the knee to get better in longterm. Maybe I just need to find a date that it's not gonna stop my racing.
"Do you think that will be a good idea to do it after the next race? I'm supposed to have three long weeks, a sort of spring break. I could have the surgery on Tuesday and then start immediately the recover with the physio. I could spend two weeks there and then start getting ready for the race."
"It could work but only if you're sure about it. I mean, do you think you'll be able to stand all the pressure?"
Another surgery, being again in a hospital bed, laid down with bands on the knee, always bring back bad memories that I'd like to remove from my mind. But this time is different, or at least it should be. Small surgery for getting better for my season, for my rise up in racing.
"Are you busy in that week?"
I spent another hour with Hannah, in front of my laptop and a good hot tea, planning everything. Luckily she agreed on coming with me. She will fly to Melbourne for the race and then she'll follow me back in Italy and stay with me as long as I need her. I sent an email to Doc and called also Mike and Suz- both were proud of my braveness and maturity. Then, before leaving her office, I called also my parents, to let them know about everything from the beginning of it as they didn't know neither about the need of a new surgery. The last thing I had to do was calling Franz, he deserved to know it from me. I texted him and I was waiting for his call back.
I thanked Hannah for her support and help. I've always felt like she wasn't my psychotherapist but more a friend to me. She's a bit older than me, maybe also for this she was used to treat me like a younger sister.
Outside the weather was perfectly agreeing with my happy mood. It was sunny and not that cold even if it was the beginning of April. Everytime I've been in the UK, I found rain and grey clouds, today was different though.
Now I needed to do one last thing.
I called an Uber and went to Woking. I didn't know his address, I just knew he was living close to the MTC. As I didn't know if he was mad or upset at me and I didn't want to ask him directly, Susanne sent me Charlotte's number and I called her. She was surprised and at the same time happy to hear that finally we were going to talk, after almost a week of pure silence, for this reason she helped me.
When the car stopped in front of a beautiful modern white house, that I supposed was his, my heart started a race for its own. I was standing in front of the door, while the man who drove me here was waiting down the street, just in case Lando wouldn't open the door for me. The old man smiled, for reassuring me, and gave me the force to ring the bell. After just a few seconds, someone ran to the door and opened it.
He was standing in front of me, wearing one of his black Quadrant hoodie and some grey sweatpants, with some funny socks and messy hair. He was surprised to see me there, that surprised that he hang up the phone immediately, without caring to say a word to the poor person on the other side.
"What are you doing here?" His voice came out like a whisper. I chuckled a bit at his stunned face.
"I'm not a ghost, I'm really here, don't worry. Can I enter? I think I owe you an explanation."
A small smile escaped his lips. Before following him inside, I waved at the man in the taxi, thanking him for the wait.
His house was even more awesome inside. A mix of minimalistic and modern design, mostly black and white furnitures. Even a stranger would understand his career because of all the trophies and helmets around the living room.
"Ehm, sorry for the mess. Max came over a few days ago and well, we are definitely not that tidy." His hand was scraping the back of his neck while a light blush came to the surface of his cheeks.
"Oh, don't worry. I'm here without notice anyway."
"I don't want to sound rude but... why are you here? I mean if you wanted just to talk, you could answer the phone instead of ghosting me."
Straight to the point, I see.
"You have every right to be mad. It's just that I wasn't in a good pace. I stayed a few days at my parents but my mind was so confused that I couldn't keep everything inside anymore. I flew over to go to my therapist, she's British and have an office here, well in London. Anyway she helped me a lot, literally a few hours ago. She made me realize how bad I treated you. I want to apologize, Lan."
"Let's have a sit, come." We sat on his grey sofa, not close but not that far from each other. "You don't need to apologize, really. I didn't have to react mad crazy that day. It's just that- I don't know how to explain it. I mean, Pierre is..."
"Pierre." I added, making him chuckle too.
"Yeah, really, I thought the worst was happening and I couldn't accept it. We shared many good moments just a few days before, we were finally getting better. Our relationship was getting stronger, real."
"Our relationship, our feelings have always been real. Mine are real also now, believe me Lan. I didn't want to yell at you, I'm so sorry."
His eyes were fixed on the carpet in front of us but as soon as he heard my words, he turned around on his seat with a real smile this time. He came a bit closer, grabbing my hands in his and posing a soft kiss on both of them.
"I trust you. I know I didn't demonstrate it but I really do. I'm just scared of losing you, that's it."
"I promise you that I'll never ignore or ghost you ever again. I'll never rebuild a wall around me."
"That's a big promise." He giggled, looking straight into my eyes.
"For you this and so much more."
"Come here." He pulled me by my hands, over his body. I was lying on him, engulfed in his big arms while his hands were stroking my back. I left soft kisses on his chest, before moving a bit more up, to his cheek and neck. He was smiling like a creep, moving his hands under my sweater.
"How are you feeling?" He asked in a whisper.
"Now that I'm with you, better than ever."
"I'm serious, how you're doing with the knee?"
His question stopped my trail of kisses.
"I need to tell you something."
"No sleeping with somebody else, I suppose."
I laughed loudly at his words, punching jokingly his stomach.
"After Melbourne, I'll come back to Italy for a surgery."
"What?" He almost shouted.
"Calm down, nothing that serious. I need other staminas to prevent further problems with the knee. I'll have a sort of a shot with a long week of physio, then I'll go back to training for the next race. I planned it all for the three free weeks we have between Australia and Imola. I should be better after this, I really need to give it a try."
He stayed silent for a minute or so, as if he was taking in everything I said.
"Can I come with you then?"
I didn't expect this. I mean, of course he's always been caring and sweet but this was pretty serious.
"I want to be able to see with my own eyes how you are. I want to be by your side not just when you're happy and fine, but also when you're not."
"Of course you can." My voice was faster than my brain.
I wanted to think about it. I wasn't used to have many people around me, above all in the hospital for a surgery. Sometimes neither my parents were allowed to enter my room, as I didn't want them to see me like that. But maybe it was another new chance for me to change for the best and to give a real opportunity to Lando and our relationship.
He stopped my flow of thoughts, pulling me in for a long kiss. His lips on mine were definitely stopping my brain, rationality, worries, everything bad and at the same time were accelerating my breathe and heartbeat.
He sat in a better position on the couch, keeping me between his legs, not letting me move. His hands were stuck on my waist after he pulled me over, making me sit on his lap. During the kiss he payed attention to my knee, pulling it gently on a pillow next to him, caressing it over the brace. He pulled me even closer and groaned a bit when our bodies created a friction between us.
"I'm so sorry for what happened." He whispered breaking the kiss just for a second, giving me a chance to get some air. He pulled me in again, getting even more passionate, rubbing his hands on my back just under the sweater that I was pretty sure was about to fall on the floor. "Please, don't push me away never again."
"In moment like this, I would never."
He chuckled at my words, starting to kiss my neck, before moving my hair on the other shoulder.
"I'm serious. I want to do things right with you and you only. I'm in love with you."
I stopped his face, grabbing his chin with my hands. I stared into his eyes, trying to understand if he was really meaning what he was saying.
His eyes of a mix of blue and green, were shining in front of me, making my heart flip in the chest. My cheeks were hurting for how much I was smiling.
I closed again the distance, all of sudden, breaking the strong eye contact. I moved my hands on his chest, reached the end of his hoodie to pull it away. His bare torso was even more trained than last time and my heart was basically exploding.
He smiled and moved me closed again, creating the same friction as before. We both moaned this time. I moved my hands to his pants, without pulling my lips away from his. But then he broke the breathtaking kiss to pull away also my sweater, as I predicted. I pulled my eyes up for a second and I saw someone else in the room.
"Oh my fucking goodness! There's someone!"
"What?"
"Hey mate, ehm- I wanted to grab some water from the kitchen and accidentally bumped into you. Don't worry, I'll leave you two at... whatever you were doing. I think I'll go to Ria and Niall, never mind. Sorry for the interruption."
I jumped off his lap, grabbed my sweater and wore it again. I was blushing both for the excitement and the embarrassment.
"Wait! Max, good to see you again. Sorry, I came here all of a sudden. I needed to fix things with this dude here. Please, don't go. I'm leaving soon anyway."
"What? You're not!" Lando got up from the sofa, still half naked and with his sweatpants a bit down, that showed that waistband of his boxers. It was pretty evident hie excitement and I saw how Max looked at him. In a rush, he grabbed a pillow to keep in front.
"Stay here, at least tonight. When is your flight?" He soon added.
"My plane leaves tomorrow afternoon but I have everything in the hotel I booked in London."
"Stay here tonight. I'll drive you tomorrow morning to the hotel and then the airport."
"Oh, ok. I guess? You should ask Max if he's ok with it though." I whispered to him the last part to not let the other guy heard but I failed.
"No problem by me, as long as you go to your room, mate. I don't want to bump into you doing stuff ever again, please."
We all laughed at his words.
"Ok, now I'm leaving you lovebirds."
Finally Max went away, maybe back to his room upstairs.
"It was nice to see you again Max-" I didn't have the time to say goodbye to him, as Lando jumped back on the sofa, pulling me with him.