JORDI ADKINS
The weekend passed very unbearably sluggish for me. Before the recent disaster that had occurred last Friday, I really thought I'm living a bit of a difficult life with Xavier and the rest bullying me. I was slightly wrong about that. It turned out that there are people even worse than Xavier and as much as I wanted to hate him for literally doing nothing, I could only hate myself.
I should've said no when Xavier asked me out. It's true that I'm starting to see the real Xavier hidden behind the tough facade and I would admit that I'm slowly falling for the stupid guy. However, the stars above do seem like they have an entirely different plan for either of us. If I had said no, then things would've been much easier for me to handle. I could've spent my weekend without having to overthink about a lot of things.
The mental and emotional turmoil that ensued from last Friday got me writhing with anxiety. On one hand, I kept on having a lot of what ifs and it wasn't very pleasant for my mental health. On the other hand, I still have to think about that moment I kissed Zacheus Riley.
What if Chad and his gang never showed up that day? Maybe Xavier and I had a much happier ending. Maybe I would've gotten more than just a kiss from him but who really knows? What if Xavier stood up for me instead of just watching me kiss that nasty shoe? This was entirely a different ball game when I started thinking about it much deeper.
When Monday eventually reeled, I wasn't very much excited to enter school mostly because I wasn't ready to deal with the aftermath. I haven't moved on from that quite yet.
"How was your date with Xavier?" That was the very first question that came out of Jane's mouth when I joined them. I was expecting the question to be asked at some point but I just never really thought she'd ask about it first thing.
"G-good. I had a real fun time with him." I replied forcing myself to put on a very believable mask even though I'm still tired. I'm aware that I'm essentially lying to them but I just have to. I know I said I'm not a liar but at this point, I really have to swallow my words and become such one.
"What did you two do?" Nikki followed up crossing her arms.
"Oh my gosh, we did a lot of things." I replied and at this point, I have to act really giggly and look like I'm more than happy. I really did have a good time spent with Xavier up until that moment Chad and his gang showed up and basically ruined the day. "We went to the arcade and played some games, you know. Car racings and basketball. I was really horrible but that's me, I'm horrible at a lot of things. Oh, and you know what? He also got me a plushy from the claw machine."
"Oh my god. That's so sweet, Jordi. My boyfriend won't even take me to the arcade but that's because I never asked. I'm really happy for you." Jane cooed holding me by the arm and jumping with such excitement.
"He really did that huh?" Nikki inquired and it's becoming clearer to me that she still has some reservations against Xavier. She's most definitely correct though. "I'm really glad that he's changed.
"Yeah, he was super fun to hang out with." I muttered and then I suddenly began to realize that I just made a horrible and careless mistake by lying to them.
I certainly don't want to be around Xavier Rockwell anymore. I, for sure, don't want to be with a guy who only cares about me when no one's around. Xavier's not exactly ready to be a part of my world consisting of rainbows and unicorns and all of those out and proud gay shit. He's a fucking mess who still have to deal with his very own confusion and I'm not saying I have my life all figured out but at least I know what's right and wrong. And maybe, just maybe, he's just going through a phase and it'll probably pass soon enough.
I'm certainly mad at him for all of those reasons and I'm such a horrible liar for telling Nikki and Jane that I just had a good time with him. What the fuck, Jordi? What are doing? I'm like, let me grab that shovel really quick because I'm going to dig my very own grave.
I might have to backtrack because if Xavier showed up out of nowhere wanting to talk to me, I might be forced to talk to him. And I don't want anything Xavier anymore in my life. I've been bullied enough and he's like a magnet. He attracts shitty things towards me. I'm extremely hurt when he did nothing to help me when Chad was being a shitty jerk and while I tried my best to stand up for myself, it's not barely enough.
"But I also have some bad news." I began completely having to backtrack from my initial lies. I know I have to quickly save myself before I crash down and burn pretty hard. Before this shit gets even messier, I just have to comb things out.
"Bad news? What is it?" Jane inquired.
Nikki's bright disposition suddenly soured into a poker face and it was telling me something.
"I just had to end things with Xavier." I huffed out.
"What?!" Jane appeared to be shocked. "Why? I thought you said you had a good time with him?"
"Mhmm, what she said!" Nikki added.
I let out a heavy sigh. "This past weekend, I just realized that Xavier and I are both living in two different worlds. He's hot and popular while I'm you know, that one out and proud gay who doesn't even know how to stand up for himself. I'm horrible at a lot of things. I'm clumsy and shitty."
"Jordi... Please don't be hard on yourself." Jane muttered with her pitiful tone. "Your like good at..." She paused thinking about something that I'm good at but before she could even think of something, I had to cut her off.
"Also, he's friends with a lot of bullies in this shitty high school and I'm just a sucker for that. Everywhere I go, someone's always there wanting to do shitty stuff and mean things towards me." I went on.
"Did someone hurt you?" Nikki began and she's filled with concern as she held me and looked deep in my eyes.
"Everyone."
"Come on, Jordi, be specific. Name someone and I swear, I'm going to hunt them and stab them." Nikki muttered.
"Who are you going to hunt?" Zach suddenly showed up from behind and he was holding the shirt that I forgot in his car last time. I instantly knew this was a bad timing for him.
"Zach?" Both Nikki and Jane scowled in unison. The look on their faces seemed like they've seen Jason Momoa or something.
"You forgot this." Zach handed me my shirt and as much as I want to pull him out of here, Nikki and Jane were giggling behind me. I'm pretty sure they have a lot of questions in mind and I might have to come up with a lie of some sort. They know I have a huge crush on this guy.
"T-thanks." I replied sheepishly taking the shirt off of his hand.
There was a moment of awkwardness between Zach and I. I couldn't look at him in the eye and there's some sort of tension boiling that I don't want to address right now. Kissing him was a big mistake on my part, I' aware of that. Fortunately for me, the bell rang eventually rescuing me from this unwarranted disaster.
Nothing much happened during lunch break except that I had to lie towards Nikki and Jane. I told them someone accidentally spilled ketchup and juice on me and then we bumped into Zach who offered to lend me a shirt. It was a stretch and it was the only story that I have thought of. They seemed like they believed the lie though.
I found myself inside the comfort room after class and I was pretty much doing my business when Xavier suddenly showed up. I've been trying my best to avoid him the entire day and I thought I'm going to be successful with that but I was wrong.
"You have got to be kidding me. Are following me?" I asked sternly as I was washing my hand.
"We need to talk, Jordi." He spat out behind me. I could hear the desperation lingering in his tone.
"Get away from me, you sick pumpkin of an asshole." I growled and instead of walking away, he nonchalantly grabbed my arm. I pushed him away almost immediately and took a step back. "We don't have anything to talk about."
"We do; we have a lot to talk about. I came here to explain myself."
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath praying for some guidance. I'm still angry and hurt and I don't want anything to do with this guy anymore. "You don't have to explain yourself, Xavier. I get it. You're not yet ready to be part of my world, that's it. Point blank, period!" I went on as calm as I could.
"No, Jordi. I am ready... It's just, things are way too complicated right now."
"Exactly. It's complicated—"
"Please, Jordi. You need to hear me out." He took a step closer towards me and before he could even touch me, I just erupted.
"I said get away from me!!!" I yelled and my voice echoed loud enough inside the tiled room. "You, Xavier! Xavier motherfucking Rockwell! You just stabbed me with a sharpened knife the very first time I met you. And here I thought you are going to have a change of heart and pull that fucking knife out but clearly, I was dead ass wrong about that. You just pushed it even deeper. I was in absolute agony but I'm going to let you push it even further because just like you said, I'm such a sore loser and I won't even spend an ounce of my energy on fighting a losing battle. This time, let's see if you'll finally hit a vein." Gritting with increasing frustration, I know I just had to explode right at him.
"J-Jordi! I'm so—"
I cut him off almost immediately. "Drop that sorry act, jerk! Cut that half-assed apology and shove it down your throat because you're very good at eating your own words. I regret giving you another chance, just so you know. I really thought you're going to change like how you've been telling me but baby, I got a little extra delusional about that. Now, I'm feeling much rather grossed out by the fact that I had butterflies in my stomach."
Xavier took a step closer towards me. "I-I made a huge stupid mistake, Jordi. I'm not going to pull the I'm-only-human-and-I-make-mistakes card on you and that's not because it's lame. I'm going to own my mistakes and that's why I'm here." He was on the verge of breaking down. I could see him starting to tear up. "I-I'm a fucking mess, okay."
Before Xavier could even touch me, I clenched my hand into a ball of fist and surprisingly punched him right in the face. It felt good. It felt fantastic to finally land a punch to my very own bully. I felt like Thor chopping Thanos' head off. Or maybe even Arya Stark stabbing the Night King with that dagger made out of dragon glass.
Xavier appeared surprised with what I did but that's just about it. Instead of punching me back, he grabbed my hand and pulled me closer subsequently hugging me. I tried to wiggle him off but he was just strong and the hug was the tightest I've ever felt.
"I love you, Jordi!" He was already crying; his voice was cracking up. I stopped wiggling when I heard him utter those three words consisting of eight letters. I haven't heard those words from someone like him before. "No one has ever showed me attention like you did, Jordi. I've been a mess. I've been lonely throughout my whole life and you're the only person who made me feel happy in a very long time."
"Xavier, please let go of me. I need to breathe" I begged.
Xavier finally let go of me and I thought I was going to run away from him but I didn't. The cracking in his voice got me and when I laid my eyes on his face, I saw tears cascading like a waterfall. We both shared a sticky eye contact but for the most part, I'm trying to let what he said sink inside my head. Xavier gradually cupped my face and in a moment, he eventually fastened his lips to mine.
Before I could even kiss him back, we both heard people laughing on their way inside. I immediately stepped away from him before eventually walking out acting like nothing happened.