October 13th, 2020:
"Moon..? What are you doing..?"
My heart instantly dropped. Kinkajou's wide, concerned eyes trapped me in her gaze. I quickly reached over and tore a piece of paper out of the roll on the island and wrapped it around my arm.
"Kinkajou," I grumbled, turning my back to her in annoyance. "What are you doing up this late? Go back to bed."
"Moon, I saw that," Kinkajou cried way too loudly. "You cut yourself!" She suddenly gasped. "Wait, a chipped bookshelf wasn't what cut you at school, either, was it? Moon, you've done this before?"
"Shh!" I hissed, whirling around. "Be quieter! The others are still sleeping!"
"Who else knows about this?" Kinkajou demanded. "Or are you doing this in silence? Moon, why—" I reached over and pressed my hand against her mouth, cutting her off.
"Kinkajou, shush!" I cried. "I don't want the others knowing!"
To my absolute surprise, Kinkajou's lips started quivering against my hand as her eyes filled with tears. I pulled away in astonishment as a tear slid down her cheek and a sob slipped from her lips.
"What–no, don't cry!" I whispered as I quickly took the piece of paper off of my arm, the bleeding had already stopped. I reached for Kinkajou and pulled her into a hug, slightly wincing as my cut brushed against her shoulder.
"Moon, why..?" Kinkajou quietly sobbed. "Is it me? Did I do something?"
"No, of course not!" I said as she squeezed me back. "You did perfect, Kinakjou. It's not your fault."
"Then why?" Kinkajou asked, her voice hiccuping as she pulled away, looking me into my eyes.
For a lot of reasons you wouldn't understand.
"I just get stressed easily," I said, which was true, but that wasn't the main reason. "My dad left, Winter left—it's just a little overwhelming. But I promise you, Kinkajou, it isn't as bad as it seems."
"But it is!" Kinkajou cried as she sniffled. "Does Qibli know?"
I frowned. "No, and I intend on keeping it that way, so please don't tell him."
"But–"
"It'll break his heart, Kinkajou," I desperately whispered. "And I hate seeing Qibli upset."
That was also true, but there was a deeper meaning as to why I didn't want him to know.
I was afraid he'd look at me differently and realize it wasn't worth wasting his time on a girl with a lot of mental problems. Maybe he'd even break up with me.
Or maybe I was just paranoid, but it didn't matter. Qibli couldn't know.
"Let's go to sleep for now and we can talk about this tomorrow," I suggested, wrapping an arm comfortingly around her shoulders and leading her up to the stairs, turning off the kitchen lights.
When we finally got upstairs, I led Kinkajou to Turtle's room, where he was peacefully sleeping. Kinkajou sent me one last worried look over her shoulder as I gently nudged her into the room, a look that said she wasn't going to be able to sleep for the rest of the night. She finally succumbed to my nudging and crawled back in bed with Turtle.
Without a last glance, I closed the door to Turtle's room and walked across the hall toward the guest room Qibli and I were sleeping in. I walked past Anemone and Tsunami's room, where they were both also peacefully sleeping. Anemone had a small smile plastered onto her face as she slept with elegance while Tsunami's blanket was on the floor and her pillows were everywhere as she slept face-first into the sheets, her hair everywhere.
Just as I was going to enter the guest room, Qibli came walking out, and we collided.
"Oh, sorry," Qibli quickly apologized as I stumbled backward. "I didn't see you. I was just wondering where you went."
"No, yeah, I just got thirsty," I quickly explained, though we could barely see each other in the dim lighting from the moonlight through the windows. "We can go back to bed, though."
"Yeah, sure," Qibli said with a nod as he moved out of the way to let me enter the room. I clambered into bed and Qibli followed suit as we returned to our old position in the bed.
"Sorry for waking you up," I whispered.
"It's fine," he whispered back. "Good night, Moon."
"*"
Word had gotten around that Qibli and I were dating, and Winter definitely heard because when I had bumped into him in the hallway, he seemed more grumpy than usual and shoved me out of the way with a scoff.
I also got plenty of dirty looks from the girls in the hallways and whispers like:
"Why her?"
"She's hideous!"
"So, he has bad taste in girls?"
"I'm obviously way better!"
Honestly, I didn't pay them much attention as I walked over to the lunch table my friends and I sat at and plopped down beside Qibli. Kinkajou and I immediately locked gazes, but I was first to look away.
Since we slept over at Turtle's house, he had dropped all of us off at school, including Tsunami and Anemone, who had her head stuck in cloud mine the whole ride.
"Hey, guys," I answered as I settled down beside Qibli, instantly leaning into him.
"Hey, Moon," Turtle greeted as Kinkajou sat quietly from beside him, picking at her lunch. I internally sighed, knowing all Kinkajou could think about was last night.
"What's up with Kink?" Qibli wondered aloud. "She'd usually be more... enthusiastic than this around this time."
"She's just tired," I quickly explained. I was hardly even lying. Kinkajou was tired and it seemed all she wanted to do was plopped into bed and under her blanket and never come out.
She looked up and glanced at me, but only for the briefest of moments.
"Hey, look on the bright side, Kink!" I said, trying to get her excited so she'll forget about last night. "We have a new cheer routine to practice!" It ultimately failed. Her expression remained the same, and I could see the worry on Turtle and Qibli's faces.
I sighed. "Okay, Turtle, we need to talk."
He seemed startled, transferring his gaze to me. "Talk? Right now?"
"Yes," I said as I stood up and walked out of the lunchroom. Turtle quickly got up and followed suit. I felt Umber's eyes on us from the far side of the lunchroom before he stood up and made his way to Qibli, who was about to follow us when he noticed Umber and stopped, frowning.
"What is it?" Turtle asked as we got out of earshot.
"Kinkajou knows."
Turtle instantly knew what I was talking about, his eyes widening, "What? How?"
My eyes averted his gaze and landed on the floor. "She, um... She caught me doing it," I whispered. "Last night, when you and Qibli were asleep."
Turtle's eyes softened as he reached forward and pulled me into a hug. "Is it because of Umber? I thought you wouldn't cut yourself anymore."
"I was trying not to," I quickly said, than stopped. "But I just so... overwhelmed. I didn't know what to do to feel better."
"Talk to me," Turtle said as he pulled away. "You can always talk to me. You can always talk to your parents, and you can always talk to Qibli."
My eyes widened as I took a step backward. "Qibli can't know."
"But Moon, he's your–"
"You made a promise to me," I fired back, starting to get angry but scared at the same. I didn't want Qibli to know ever.
Because then he won't like me anymore.
And who knows what I'd do to myself then?
Turtle shook his head, frowning. "I don't understand. Why can't he know? Why won't you let him help you?"
"Because I just can't," I exploded, but Turtle didn't react to it. "I cut myself for every stupid reason! My dad moving, family problems, Winter leaving–it's all the same cycle! If Qibli finds out he's dating a person who hurts themselves consistently, what would he think then? He wouldn't want to be with a person like me. Can't you see?"
Turtle must've seen something because he turned his head to the right and I watched in confusion as his face slowly fell. I turned my head to see what he was looking at, and to my absolute horror, Winter stood a few feet from us, staring at me with an expression of regret and pain.
"D-did you hear that?" I stammered as Turtle glanced back from Winter to me. "How long were you standing there?" Without answering, Winter walked over to me and pulled me into a bone-crushing hug, burying his head into the crevice of my neck.
My heart skipped a beat, thinking for a moment that he was just going to shove past me as he'd done earlier, but I stood corrected. His hair brushed my cheek, and I couldn't do anything but stand there, stunned.
"I'm so sorry," he whispered, his warm breath brushing my neck. It felt like a boulder was lifted off of my shoulders to hear his voice again. "I didn't know you did that to yourself. Because of me."
"I..." My voice trailed off as I glanced at Turtle, who seemed slightly amused by the situation. I was more surprised Winter was actually hugging me. I had never seen him do that to someone before. "It's not your fault, Winter."
He finally pulled away, his eyes slightly teary. "I didn't mean to hurt you that much, Moon. I didn't think you'd react like that. Then again, I never think. I just do, and I'm an idiot for it."
"You're not an idiot," I said back at his broken-hearted expression. "Just please come back. We all miss you, even Qibli."
Winter winced when I said Qibli's name as if it pained him to hear it come out of my mouth.
"He hates me, doesn't he?" Winter said. "I was horrible. I don't deserve you guys, I really don't."
"He doesn't hate you," Turtle said, speaking up. "None of us do. It's a little lonely without you, to be honest."
"And Qibli has no one to argue with," I joked, trying to brighten the mood, but Winter didn't laugh. "I'm sorry you had to hear all of that, though. I didn't know you were there."
"I'm glad I heard it," Winter admitted. "And I want to help you. It's the least I could do for everything I put you through."
I thought about it. I did need help, and Winter was back.
He was finally back.
But I couldn't drag anyone else into my problems. It'd be selfish.
"It's okay, Winter," I whispered. "I'm okay."
<3