Featured Lyrics:
Given the circumstances, I won't ask you to stay
Given the circumstances, I would get it if you walked away
But all my life, I've been looking for this
It seems fitting that things go to hell now that I've found it
I don't think we're wasting time, but if you do, I'm sorry
I can see a life with you, but if you can't, I'm sorry
If four months mean nothing
If none of it counts for something, then I'm sorry
Oh, if spending every night in your bed
Has no meaning, then what are we?
Just a sorry excuse for love?
Love
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*.
Nearly forgetting to lock the house, you felt yourself shaking as you ran out the front door in your pyjama shorts and flip-flops. Seeing Eren outside your window, looking up at you with swollen eyes and messy hair made you feel scared more than anything. You did your best to keep your mind clear, to keep yourself from spiralling, to keep yourself from writing the ending by yourself. You wanted to hear what he had to say. On the other hand, there was just no telling what was going to come out of your mouth.
You ran to the end of the boulevard, surprised to see Eren's pickup truck running and flooding your ears with the sound of the rattling engine. He wasn't waiting by the truck like you expected and you found yourself looking for him with desperation. You walked up the passenger side door, trying to see if he was inside.
You suddenly felt a familiar hand on your shoulder, turning you around so that your face crashed against his firm chest. Nothing had been said, and yet the relief of having Eren's arms around you gave you nearly every answer you needed.
"I'm sorry, let's go talk somewhere," he whispered, barely audible over the truck engine.
You didn't want to talk. You didn't want to move past this moment. You didn't want to let him go.
You felt his grip loosen around your shoulders, freeing you from his grasp before you felt ready. You stood like a mannequin, watching him walk around the front, open the driver's side door, and finally lean over to unlock the passenger side. When you didn't move immediately, Eren pulled the handle and pushed the door open, inviting you in.
"Sorry...you should get in."
Your body felt like an unoiled machine as you turned to step in. He was still leaning over, just close enough for you to kiss him before stepping in. You have done it many times before. It was as simple as leaning in and pressing his lips against yours. It was as simple as feeling him smirk against you, the puff of breath from his nose tickling your cheeks. That was all you had to do, and yet Eren sat up and away from you the second you moved closer to hop inside.
As the truck began its creaky travel down the street, you noticed a cassette tape hanging outside of the entertainment system. The air felt hot and heavy as the lack of air conditioning suffocated you. Maybe some music would help alleviate the tension. When you reached out to push the cassette tape in, Eren reached out and stopped your hand. It made you jump back like it was a foreign object touching your skin.
"Sorry, my speakers are busted...from when we danced."
You nodded, pulling your hand back, wondering if he was going to reach out and hold it like how he used to. When his knuckles returned to white around the steering wheel, you figured that it would be best to keep them on your lap.
You drove in a silence that used to feel comfortable, now you were scared of what dark places your mind would take you. The absence of his laugh and the reassurance of his smile was already scaring your heart. He didn't tell you where you were going as he drove out of the suburbs. Based on the direction he drove, you wondered if he was taking you to the beach. You felt your heart pitter-patter at the hope of it all, remembering the precious feeling of the summer sun and the ocean air and the silky sand. They were memories imbued with his essence and there was nothing you wanted more than to remain in that blissful ignorance.
Eren flicked the signal light on, making a turn away from the highway toward the beach and down an industrial road toward the train station. You looked over at him, trying to read his expression. It was blank and tired. It was nearly midnight at this point. You had no other choice as the passenger of his truck but to sit and comply as he pulled into the empty parking lot. The train station never looked so isolating before. It was usually filled with cars and travellers. Now, it was just a dark void of liminal space.
"Sorry I brought you here," he said, killing the engine, and clearing your mind of the white noise that you were just getting used to. The sound of his truck used to irritate you after long stints, now all you wanted was for him to twist the key, to prevent your mind from taking over and to bring you back to the safe space of his basement.
"You do that a lot," you muttered so quietly that it felt more like a thought. "Apologize. Why do you always apologize?"
Eren sighed, leaning his head on his left arm that rested on the ledge of the door and window. He looked up past the cracked windshield, blinking more than usual. It seemed like the blinking only made his eyes wetter. "Because that's all I can feel when I'm with you."
You knew Eren was working on speaking his mind, sharing his inner thoughts with you, and giving you pieces of him that you had yet to discover after a lifetime of friendship. But as his walls grew higher and higher, you noticed that he really hadn't changed at all. His mind seemed to work at thousands of words per minute and yet what came out of his mouth was filtered and nearly incomprehensible.
"You feel...sorry when you're around me?" You couldn't help but feel your cage tighten around you. You had never felt insecure around Eren, he never gave you the chance to. And yet at this moment, he gave you too many choices to make for yourself.
"Yes, and I'm sorry that I feel that way."
You tried to find his eyes again. The shadows of the moon hid them away. He seemed to speak with such finality as if he knew this situation was always going to happen. "I don't understand..."
Eren finally turned to you, his expression was stoic and scary. You suddenly noticed the bags under his eyes that made their dreadful appearance once again. Or maybe you hadn't noticed that they never went away at all.
"I just feel like I've been kidding myself these last four months," Eren said with such finality that you felt like you had been dropped flat on your back. "I've been living in a delusion where you and I will work out. I feel sorry because these last four months might just end up into nothing."
You scowled at his words, feeling the tightness of your brows knit together on your forehead. "Nothing? You think that everything we've been through will mean nothing?" You felt like you were in complete denial of the situation. Although you were the one leaving tomorrow, it felt like Eren had already left you behind. By the way he never once looked in your eyes since picking you up, he was already gone for those last four months.
"Every day we spend together, I get scared and I get anxious and I get attached," Eren continued. "Every time I smile because of you, my heart breaks. Every time I kiss you, my heart breaks. Every time I fall asleep alone in my parent's basement I see traces of you and my heart breaks. Ever since we turned seventeen I was already mourning the loss of you and our last night together."
You remembered Eren's seventeenth birthday had been the catalyst for destroying your shared dream of being together forever. You had thought at the time that there would be enough time to fix things. Over a year later and situations worsened and even foresight couldn't change the future. You felt foolish for not realizing that the incident had always been the reason that Eren was staying behind. Not his grudge against Marley or his lack of a high school diploma. It was always going to be because of his inability to be anything but selfless when it came to his family.
Your head was spinning. Nothing was a surprise to you. You resonated with every word he said. You thought of your promises to each other. Of always being there for each other, of being the ones to disintegrate each other's being. You wondered if you had been fooling yourself this entire time. You played into the sick game of falling in love with a pillar of your childhood. Maybe that's all you'd ever be to each other, a kaleidoscope of golden memories that were quickly fading to blue.
The fast pace of adolescence was coming to an end and was resting in entropy that brought more chaos into your life than anything before. You couldn't tell just how long you had sat there in your quiet contemplation. Despite your desire to use your words to get yourself out of this situation, your lips were zipped shut.
"I brought you here because I can't say goodbye tomorrow morning...I'm taking my mom to an appointment." Eren uttered.
You felt disappointed. Not at Eren or his mom. You felt that dreadful tinge in your chest at your own selfishness for wanting him there, for expecting him to be there.
He paused again for a long time before saying, "Seeing this train station over and over, it doesn't get easier. Sending my dad off as a kid, watching my brother disappear over the horizon, letting go of my mom to the nurses...they're all I can think of when I see this station." You could see in the corner of your eye, Eren wiped his eyes with the back of his arm. "But when I see the beach, the sand, the sun, the water...all I can see is you. I'm sorry, but I have to be selfish again and say that if I see you get on that ferry tomorrow morning, I'll never have a happy place in this world again."
You felt yourself crying, not even putting the effort to stop them from falling.
Eren spoke again, looking at you this time. You felt surprised at the sudden turn of his head, not realizing how much you missed his green eyes. The darkness of the night still kept them hidden. "Y/N...what are we?"
You hadn't heard him say your name since the night he called you love. You didn't miss that feeling at all. It was another brick added to fortify his walls. You almost didn't want to answer his question out of spite but that didn't prevent you from thinking about it. Just the fact that he called you by your name was enough to understand just where your relationship lay. Without becoming fully cognizant, Eren was once again placing the decision in your hands.
You simply replied, "We're best friends."
Eren's head nodded in understanding. Without another word, he turned the key of the engine and the roaring sound wasn't even enough to break you out of your cold numbness.
The drive back was just as quiet, the sounds were just white noise. You felt your eyes glazed over into a blurry image and before you knew it, Eren had stopped his truck on the boulevard in front of your house. You didn't want to leave, you wanted him to drive you to his house and carry you down into his parents' basement.
Eren killed the engine once again and you were suddenly made aware of how much sniffling the both of you had been doing on the drive home. You turned to see that he was already looking at you with quivering lips that did a poor job of hiding his sobs. You couldn't hold back as you lunged for him across the truck bench. You don't know how long you held each other through the tears, but you savoured every downward stroke he had on the back of your head. You cherished the feeling of his silky hair tangling in between your fingers. The feeling of his warm body against yours made you sweat. The sound of his sighs in your ear only fueled you to do the same.
The feelings of anxiety were quickly replaced with that familiar calmness that Eren always brought to you. You took in a heavy breath and pulled away. You had made the decision that you were going to leave. You might as well take responsibility for it. You wanted to kiss him and give into that desire for his touch that you so easily fed in the summer.
Before you fully let yourself out of Eren's arms you wanted to say one more thing. They were just five words that you had never said so plainly to him. You whispered, "I'm going to miss you."
Eren pursed his lips into a sad smile and you felt him release his grip on you. "I already do."
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*.
Author's Note:
This was a hard one haha! This chapter has been in my mind since the beginning and yet I really had no idea how it was going to play out. Sometimes the hardest chapters to write are the ones that you've known about the longest. I've made myself sad and tired oops.
Again, thank you so much for reading Hot & Heavy. I care so much for this story and it really means a lot when I see others feel the same way.
I can't believe we're close to adding another 10 completed chapters. It's bonkers to me how much we've done and how much we have yet to do. I've said this a lot, I do have the whole ass story planned out, but I'm so curious as to what y'all think about the pacing and how the overall story is feeling. I kinda figured if you're all caught up you'd be able to tell me how I'm doing LOL Any comments in that regard are appreciated!!
I will see you as soon as I can to upset myself and upset you all LOL
- zel