Featured Lyrics:
What a joy to be kissed by the breath of the wandering wind
What a joy to be somebody new when you shed your skin
What a time to be young and searching for truth
In the fading of the summer and the twilight of your youth
What a joy to be held in the arms of the rolling waves
What a joy to be bathed in the light of the golden days
What a time to be young and searching for truth
In the fading of the summer and the twilight of your youth
And when the days grow short my friend and summer turns to fall
I'll be with you in the end, anytime, anytime you call
What a joy to be touched by the hands of the rising moon
What a joy to be lost in the words of a haunting tune
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
August brought drought and heatwaves, dehydration and sunburns. It also brought boxes of clothes and boxes of bare necessities, boxes of memories and boxes of feelings. You spent nearly every day pent up in your room, trying to decide what were the most important things to bring with you when you moved. Before you knew it, you only had one night left in your hometown.
You always thought as a child that you could never sleep without your favourite stuffed animal and yet there you found it buried in the back corner of your closet. You always thought that you'd keep up with your diary to discuss your daily life and yet you found several journals with only one entry under your bed. You always thought that you needed to take pictures of every single moment just so you wouldn't forget them and yet you found yourself questioning if you need every single printed photo.
The glow of summer was burning away with the changing of the season. Although the weather had reached the peak of its unbearable heat, the cooldown of autumn was already coming into effect. You were already saying goodbyes to your friends who made their moves toward the future.
Three Weeks Ago
You woke up in the gaze of Big Buck's watchful eye, to the sounds of the bleating goats and llamas, and the smells of breakfast being made. You rolled over, wrapping your arms around Eren's torso and pressing your lips to his exposed shoulder blades. You could feel him waking to your touch as he breathed heavily, turning around and wrapping you in his arms.
There was a knock on the door and the muffled voice of Sasha came through. "Hey! Breakfast is ready, get up!"
You were feeling slightly hungover from all the drinking the night before, but thankfully everyone looked just as tired as they drooled over the large meal. Plates of bacon, sausage, fresh farm eggs, pancakes, and waffles fed your eyes faster than your stomach. It made you smile, thinking of all the sleepovers you used to have with this very same group of friends. You used to sleep on the living room floor in a pile of blankets and pillows, the blue light from the finished VHS tape acted like a night light, and the smell of breakfast early in the morning motivated you to get up early.
As the meal continued, Sasha stood up suddenly, saying, "Thank you all for coming, it really means a lot to me that you'd all drive out here for me." Sasha was standing at the head of the table, looking down at her plate and biting her lip nervously. "I'm gonna stay home for the rest of summer...maybe indefinitely so I think this is the last time I'm going to be seeing some of you for a while."
You tried to read her expression as she hid her face. You knew that deep in Sasha's heart, there were so many things that she wanted to do, so many things that she wanted to see, and so many foods she wanted to eat. You noticed that as she finished, she looked over at Connie and gave him a sad smile.
"I'll miss seeing you all every day but I know we're all kinda growing up, moving on," she said, sitting back down. Nicolo sat next to her, gripping her hand underneath the table as they shared a small smile. As everyone continued their meal, you slipped back into the bedroom to grab your camera. It was a moment you didn't want to forget. You asked Sasha and Nicolo to pose for the camera as they fed each other spoonfuls of breakfast. Only three more shots were left on the roll of film.
Although you felt sad, it was a reality that you knew was coming. You were steps away from saying goodbye yourself. You smiled at your friend, trying to sustain the feeling of joy she had given you for most of your life.
Present Day
As you began to sort out which boxes to take downstairs, you heard a knock on your bedroom door.
"Wow, you've really cleaned up the place," Eren said, as he stood at the doorway.
You looked up from your hyper fixation on the boxes and looked at the empty walls and shelves. You probably didn't need to clear the room of your belongings that thoroughly. Once you started to pack, you found yourself in a momentum to neutralize the space as best as possible. Maybe your mom could use it as a spare room or an office.
You stood up, wiping the dust and sweat from your forehead. "Wanna help me carry some things outside? My mom's boyfriend is gonna take what doesn't fit in my car to the moving company today." You were able to fit most of your clothes in suitcases, but there were some small keepsakes you wanted to bring with you.
Eren looked quiet as he dutifully lifted a few boxes off the ground. You picked up your own set and led him to the front lawn where a man with corn-yellow hair and a scraggly mustache waited. In your eyes, he was always a little goofy around his buddies but he made your mom smile in a way you hadn't seen in years.
As you passed off the boxes for him to place in his SUV, you said, "Thanks, Hannes, you didn't have to help me this much."
Hannes smiled, slamming the truck down. "Hey, no worries, kid. I'll make sure the guys send this stuff as safely as possible for you." He turned to Eren and gave him a knowing smile before turning back to you. "Your mom and I want to take you out for dinner on your last night, are you both free?"
You looked at Eren, his eyes stinging from the finality of his words. You felt like you had barely seen him this last month. Between work, cleaning, and saying more goodbyes, you wondered if he was letting himself slip through your fingers before you even got the chance to try and keep him.
Two Weeks Ago
Connie stood at the train station terminal with a large backpack on his shoulders. He looked strong and confident, yet sad. He didn't want a big send-off or a large party to commemorate his travels. He just wanted his close friends to wish him farewell at the station.
"It's not like I'm saving the world," he said with a shrug. "I'm just gonna do some soul searching. I'll probably come back at some point."
You looked at your friend who claimed to be looking for their purpose in life by changing it. Although he was at the beginning of his journey, Connie looked forward with clarity and peace. It seemed like he already discovered who he was.
One by one, he gave each of you a hug and a small message.
"Mikasa, you're one of the strongest people I know. Thanks for all your advice. Don't let Jean have too much fun without me. " You watched as Mikasa blinked back tears. You couldn't hear what she replied back, but you knew by Connie's expression that they were words of wisdom just for him.
"Jean, you bastard, thanks for teaching me how to do all that healthy shit. I think you really changed my life. Take time for yourself for once." Jean laughed and gave Connie a hearty high-five into a lasting hug. They shared an inside joke that made no sense to you but brought them into a fit of giggles.
"Eren, man, you crazy asshole. Thanks for standing up for me, for believing in me. I'm gonna miss having you on my side." Eren smirked, rolling his eyes in that dismissive way you recognized. Before he could deflect Connie's compliment they embraced with heavy pats on the back.
"Y/N, you've inspired me to do this. Leaving home, being on your own. It's terrifying. Thank you for teaching me how to take my life into my own hands." You felt your heart swelling in your chest as you hugged him tightly. His words etched themselves in your mind, telling you that it was okay to leave.
You and your friends cheered as he disappeared behind the terminal to where the train waited for him. It wasn't until he descended down the stairs that he fully turned around. As another piece of your heart chipped away, it was replaced by the joy of seeing the resolve on Connie's face.
Present Day
On the way home from dinner, Hannes dropped Eren off at his house for the evening. The dinner felt like a blur of quiet contemplation and moments of rethinking your decision. No matter how much you prepared yourself for this night to come, for this time to say goodbye, you seemed to be the only one who was having a hard time. The light conversation about sights to see in Marley was brought up, even though you had done most of the research already. Plans were made for public transportation, even though you were planning on living on campus. Questions of visits back home were brought up, even though you hadn't fully left yet.
"Are you planning on visiting, Eren?" your mom asked as Hannes paid for the meal.
Eren laughed awkwardly and you didn't like the way his eyes glazed over at the question. His walls were climbing up higher and higher, and although you thought you had the strength to break through them, although you thought he was brave enough to come down, you found yourself covered in the tall shadow. "Maybe. But it's hard to tell with my mom these days."
You were thankful for Hannes' return to the table. You were worried that everyone would see the scowl that flickered across your face. It was getting frustrating, it was getting worrisome, and it was getting old. Against your better judgment, you wondered how many more times you could take getting pushed away. You wondered if you'd ever be able to take first place on his priority list. You didn't want to think it, but you wondered if you'd always be pushed to the side when it came to his mother.
You felt yourself silently fuming, refusing to look or talk to him on the way home. It was only until Hannes pulled up to the Jaeger family's driveway that you found yourself crying from the guilt, the shame, and the embarrassment. The only thing on the driveway was Eren's shitty pickup truck. The only light on was the front porch. The only one to greet him home was his mother who weakly opened the door and gave you a wave as Hannes drove away.
One Week Ago
You watched as Jean and Mikasa loaded their bags into Jean's car, ready to journey toward the city. They weren't travelling quite as far, but attending school a few hours away meant more pieces of your heart were being chipped away. They had finally settled on a more modest living situation that allowed space for the both of them to get used to living together. Maybe one day they'd get to live in that downtown apartment with a balcony and a bottle of whiskey just for Jean. Maybe one day they'd live close enough to the trails so that Mikasa could still go on her morning runs. Maybe one day they'd come back to their hometown and settle down together. There was no denying that possibility.
Jean came up to you and gave you a big hug. "You gotta come out and visit us so we can party again, alright?" It was a simple request that carried more unsaid weight. Jean had always pulled you out of your comfort zone, being that friend who made you feel the most excited. You were going to miss rolling your eyes at his good jokes and laughing at his terrible ones. "You've gotta check out the art galleries with me sometime, alright? I know you'd love them just as much as I do." You asked Jean to pose for a final picture when you pulled away. He gave you a proud smile and it brought you joy to capture his beaming face. Only two more shots were left on the roll of film.
Mikasa was nearly in tears again, feeling the emotional baggage just as much as you had been these past few weeks. You knew that this goodbye was going to be one of the harder ones. You didn't say anything to each other. After years of advice, of confessions, of secrets kept between the two of you, there was nothing that could be said to encompass it all. "Please keep in touch. We'll be back for Thanksgiving...so you should come home then too. Okay?" You could only nod, scared that speaking would only make your voice crack even further. You had given Eren your camera to hold whilst you said goodbye. As you stayed in Mikasa's hug for a little longer, you heard the click of the shutter capture the joy of your friendship at that moment. Only one more shot was left on the roll of film.
As they drove off, you looked up at Eren, wondering how he was filling the cracks in his heart. You knew that he was used to saying goodbye. He seemed to have mastered the art of closing himself off to prevent further damage.
Present Day
You came back home to an empty room with just your suitcase, a single pillow, and a single blanket. Only a few hours ago were you sorting through your belongings, trying to decide what things you needed in your city. What were the things that you always wanted beside you? Was there anything you were missing? It felt strange, feeling separated from the life you once knew even before you left. It made you wonder if leaving was worth it. The swings, the rooftops, the clear night skies, they were all parts of you that had to get left behind.
As you rolled over in bed, wrapping yourself in the thin blanket and laying your head on the rough pillow you found yourself struggling to fall asleep. Your train was leaving first thing in the morning and even the hesitation of your decision wasn't enough to keep you from missing it. Although you felt tired, emotionally and physiologically, you couldn't fall asleep. You rolled onto your back, looking up at the popcorn ceiling that had those small handprints painted on it.
As you raised your hand, you compared the size of the prints to the size of your current hand. Clearly, you had grown up but there was something that kept you from really growing out of your childhood bedroom. Even as the decorations on the wall were cleared and the unessentials were left behind, there were traces of your best friend everywhere you looked. You raised your other hand to where that green handprint found a home next to yours, tracing the shape like a precious piece of artwork. It was just as small, but you could recognize it anywhere from the way the chubby knuckles carelessly slathered on the paint compared to the careful way your handprint made its mark.
You suddenly found yourself tearing up at the aching in your chest, at the largest part of your heart that would never be filled. Did you even say goodbye to him? Could you even say goodbye to him? Every golden memory that once brought you joy that flickered in your mind was fading to blue in the twilight.
Just as the overwhelming sadness was about to take over and lull you to sleep, you heard the sound of small pebbles against your window. You took in a sharp breath as you shot up from bed. You opened the blinds to see the moon cast a single spotlight on the one thing you never thought you'd leave behind.
"Love...we need to talk."
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
Author's Note:
(ITS AOT IS BACK DAY! AND MY BDAY LMAO YAY HAPPY AND SAD AT THE SAME TIME)
Pals, I've missed y'all!!! School has been very bad not good time, but I have finished my condensed courses and will have WAY more time to update (in my program we have to take these classes that condense 4 months of content into 2 months so its really intense lol)
Here is a short but very emotional chapter (like me lol) I was planning on making this a double update since it's been a while + short chapter + big moment + my love language of acts of service, but I am planning on posting chapter 28 sometime this weekend.
I really hope you all take good care of yourselves and prepare yourselves for AOT Season 4 Part 3 Part 1 LMAO TT_TT
- zel