XAVIER ROCKWELL
I fucked it up. I fucked it up big time.
The words kept on echoing back and forth inside my head even after I almost beaten the shit out of Nixon for trying harassing Jordi. There's utterly no room for me to deny the absolute fact that I was the worst in that moment, even far worse than Nixon to be quite exact. I just stood frozen solid and watched Jordi get bullied by the people that I know. This isn't news and I know I'm mainly part of the reason why they're so up into Jordi's ass. I was first one who started bullying the guy and I don't even know why I was doing that in the first place. Perhaps, I just wanted to feel good about myself because I haven't been.
I'm entirely aware of the lingering fact that I'm sandwiched in between. There's just so much confusion and conflict that I got lost in the middle of this vast ocean. On the left side of the trench, I have my best friends Nixon and Darren. I have been friends with them for a long while and even though I'm starting to get a good sense of what's actually happening, I know that we've gone through a lot. All three of us had a lot of fun and thrilling memories together and I'm not just going to forget about all of that. But then on the right side there's Jordi Adkins, the guy who got me intrigued and the guy who got me thirsty for some reason. Within just a single night, he made me question my entire sexuality and I might be gay but who gives a single bag of crap about it anymore. I like him, I really do. It's turned out that he's more than the loser that I used to know and bully him for. There's a whole lot of Jordi that I wanted to get to know more. I wanted to create some fun memories with him.
I found myself smoking alone here at the old abandoned factory. I didn't want to hang out with Nixon and Darren under the bridge and so I decided to bring myself here just because it's the only place that I know. There are a lot of kids like me here, kids that are smokers and whatnot. Some of them are from other schools and some are even from the other town. This place is like a melting pot of troubled kids from all over town.
Having this time alone with my own self, I had the free time to talk to myself. I know I fucked things up a while ago and that should probably the end of my relationship with Jordi. By this point, he must already be planning on slitting my throat once he gets the chance. I don't know, maybe I'm just going to let that happen because the universe is th clear witness that I'm part of the reason why that happened.
I have been secretly imagining myself hanging out with Jordi. I just got a simple taste of spending time with him and it was the best kind of feeling in the world. I don't know why I'm feeling nervous and yet generally happy whenever I'm talking to him but it's the kind of feeling that I want. When I'm with him, I'm not worrying about anything even knowing the fact that he hated me for the longest time that I've known him.
The truth is, it felt gut-wrenching that things got ruined because of my own doing. How difficult could it be for me to step in and tell my friends to stay the fuck away from the guy that I like?
I'm not quite really a chain-smoker myself. I only learned smoking because of my mom but I really began smoking when I became friends with Nixon and Darren. Usually I'm more than satisfied with one or two sticks of cigarette a day but the anxiety that I'm having right now just forced me to have my third stick.
By the time I got relatively bored sitting on my spot by this old dilapidated bus, I decided to climb above the roof of the building. This whole abandoned factory and its surroundings had a lot of hiding spot and that's most definitely one of the reason why teenagers like me loves to hang out here. There's plenty of spaces to hide and do their own stuff.
When I finally reached the roof, I was more than surprised to see two boys kissing each other. I don't know why I'm surprised, perhaps it's because I haven't seen two guys kissing each other with my own eyes apart from me actually kissing Jordi. I instantly recognized one of them but I just forgot his name. They were both momentarily startled when they saw me but then they both ignored my presence and resumed their intimate interaction with each other's mouth.
I went straight the very edge and sat with both of my feet hanging. There's really not much to be seen from up here. Yes, you could see how big the whole sky is but the view below wasn't as pleasing. It's just an empty lot with a bunch of abandoned vehicles. It looked like a graveyard for cars who stopped working and some other stuff that people don't want to have anymore.
I laid and the sky looked bigger than before. The clouds were covering the sun and I ended up thinking about Jordi once again. I don't know if he likes hanging out in places like this because I don't really have that much money to be able to afford a nice dinner or to even bring him to the mall and whatnot. Now that Hector's gone for a while, I'm going to have to find a way to earn some cash. Hector's usually my source of income which was the one downside of him going away. While he's a horrible asshole, he's not really that selfish when it comes to giving me my share of the deal. He gives me enough tip that I'm able to afford lunch at school and sometimes buy me some nice things every once in a while.
With the serene view of the white clouds sluggishly moving above the blanket of the sky, I ended up thinking maybe I could still repair my relationship with Jordi. Perhaps, the mirror's not really that broken. I know it was already broken to begin with but this new relationship that I'm trying to forge was entirely new and I'm going to fix it before it shatters into smithereens. It might have a small scratch on its surface but it's not broken to the point where I can't put it back to pieces. I could still apologize to Jordi.
Before I know it, I was already climbing down the roof leaving the two guys having their own private moment. I wouldn't say I'm jealous of them kissing and intimately caressing each other but it made me feel thirsty for such attention.
After a while, I found myself walking towards Jordi's house. I could still remember the way and within half an hour, I managed to reach their neighborhood. Once I got to their house, I immediately found Jordi's mom jumping out of her car.
"Hi Mrs. Adkins!!!" I waved at her with such a bright disposition. "Good afternoon!"
"Oh, hello there, Xavier!" She waved back. "How are you doing?"
"I-I'm doing well, thank you for asking. Is Jordi home?"
"Probably. I just arrived from the store. Oh, since you're here, would you mind being a good boy and help me out?"
"Sure, Mrs. Adkins."
Jordi's mom strutted in her six-inch platform heels and went straight to the back of her car. She grabbed the lightest bag and then I grabbed some of the heavier ones. It seemed to me that Mrs. Adkins just bought a whole month supply of groceries.
"Thank you, Xavier. You're a good boy."
I followed Mrs. Adkins as she entered the front door. I was initially shy to enter but then I remembered I truly needed to apologize to Jordi and this seemed to be the perfect timing. I know it doesn't feel right to just show up here unannounced but I'm desperate.
"Hey, Jordi! Would you mind helping us with the groceries?" Mrs. Adkins uttered as my eyes eventually saw Jordi sitting on the couch just about to shove a spoonful of ice cream in his mouth.
Jordi immediately got up and inched his way straight towards me. "Xavier, what the fuck are you doing here?" He kept his voice down to a whispering level but I could really tell how pissed he was about my unannounced presence.
"I-I came here to talk to you and then I saw your mom and she asked me to carry the groceries."
I followed Mrs. Adkins towards the kitchen and laid what I carried on the table. After that, I quickly followed Jordi towards the garage. "I'm really sorry for showing up unannounced." I began knowing it in myself that I have to start the conversation immediately.
"Yeah, you're already here. It's not like I'm going to shoo you away like a fucking rooster." Jordi replied and I noticed he's not planning on looking at me in the eye.
"Look, Jordi. I'm really sorry. I just came here to apologize about what happened earlier." I inched my way closer to him but I was greatly annoyed when he stepped away almost immediately.
"Yeah, yeah. Tell me whatever you want to tell."
Jordi was clearly ignoring me and I had to follow him inside. I wouldn't let this day end without having any sort of progress.
"Look at you boys, you look cute together. You look like brothers! Now I'm really thinking of having another baby." Mrs. Adkins cooed.
"Eww, mom. You're already forty-two." Jordi replied grossed out by her mom's latter statement. I don't even notice that Jordi's mom's forty-two with her appearance. She looked pretty young.
"Na-ah, that doesn't have anything to do with having a baby. I'm still far from having my menopause. My womb's still very much capable of bearing another child. And you Jordi, you are sexist for saying that. You need to stop thinking that women should stop having a baby past forty." Mrs. Adkins went on and she was mostly right about it. She could still bear a child if she wanted to and I'm going to support her. Jordi's an only child and his parents seemed exceedingly capable and loving enough to bring another child in this cruel world. If she's my mom, I'd most definitely be okay with it.
"Okay, mom. I'm sorry. I just can't imagine having a little brother or sister that's almost eighteen years younger than me."
"What about you, Xavier? What do you think?"
I was shocked to be asked about it but I thought maybe I'd put my two cents. "Uhm, I think you have all the right to decide for yourself, Mrs. Adkins. And you look like you're only thirty."
"Thank you, Xavier."
Jordi looked at me and I thought he's going to say something but he just grabbed me by the arm and the next thing I know; he was already pulling me until we got inside his room.
"Okay, we're alone now." Jordi uttered and as I looked around his bedroom, a quick flashback of our first intimate encounter flashed right before my eyes.