Monza is my home race but also my favorite track, known as "The temple of speed".
Being able to race here with a big team like RedBull was simply the best, even though the problems we were challenging in the past months.
RedBull is also known for its capacity of changing his driver in a matter of seconds, without caring too much, as if they are cards on a table. That's what happened to my two past teammates.
"They're not good enough and we want only the best." They kept repeating to me when I dared to ask about the other drivers, not that I cared too much- I mean, I needed to not be replaced as well- but it was weird to have a different mate by your side almost each month.
Alex Albon was chosen from the Junior Academy to join the team after his very good performance. He was their first choice, even before me, but he had some media problems to fix before being able to take part in the team.
Although all the changes, I was doing a quite good job, finishing at almost every race on the podium. Of course they wanted me to win, but sometimes we were forced to accept the lower steps.
Things with me got soon more complicated when Alex joined us.
He was treated in a different way and I couldn't understand why. After all they asked me to join them too, so what was the difference between us?
Oh, yes. I was a girl.
The relationship between me and the boss- Christian Horner- heated up when he started to ask me to let my teammate pass during a race, after I lead all the laps and fought for that result with all myself.
When it happened the first time, it was only a team order, so I obeyed.
The second time was strange , so I tried to find answers.
The third time started to annoy me so bad.
When it happened a fourth time, I totally lost my mind.
"It's unbelievable! Better: it' so unfair, guys! I raced so hard today, he can't pass now on the last lap and get the best."
"Kiara, kid, it's Horner here. I repeat it for the last time: let Alex pass. It's a team order."
"Oh really? Fuck the team orders then! If he really deserves this win, it's better if he starts driving faster."
This is just one of the many discussions that followed the last months.
Alex has always been a nice guy. He was so shy but also a bit funny. I couldn't say he was my best friend but he definitely wasn't my enemy. I didn't hate him and he didn't hate me. Basically the opposite of what the media thought and spread around, above all after the bad contacts we had in the last races.
"Wow, you managed to fuck up again, congratulations."
"What? Alex are you serious?"
"If you're not able to overtake, then don't do it!"
"You're saying I should slow down behind you and make the team loose? Good to know!"
"Guys, stop it. We will discuss it at the post-race briefing."
***
"You really think it is my fault Chris?"
"Kiara, don't raise your voice at me."
"Then stop judge me and be objective. It's clear to everyone that he did it on purpose. He didn't leave enough space to go to that turn and he crashed into me."
"Stop pointing your finger at him."
"You should do it too."
"You know what? I'm sick of you! You're being childish and stubborn and ruining the equilibrium of the team. I can't come over every weekend because you messed up. I'm tired. Be a good driver or you're out!"
"Listen to me now. If this is one of your mental trip to make me shut up about all this mess, I'm out."
"I asked you to stop it."
"And I asked you to stop pushing all the team against me for fuck's sake!"
"I see you're too angry right now. Go back to your room and we will see each other at the next GP."
"You can't be serious."
"Oh, kid, I deadly am."
"You know what? Fuck this. Fuck you and all of this shit. I'm sick of being your last wheel every fucking time. You're using me just to let him win but I'm not doing this anymore."
"Stop it before you regret it."
"I've just started. As you are so good at replacing drivers, then find another one- I'm done."
"Kiara, you have a contract-"
"Fuck the contract. I care about me and me only."
"Don't you dare."
I pulled away my shirt, remaining in just my sports bra in front of my boss and then I launched it at him.
"Try me."
After this, I missed two races. Apparently he didn't think I was being serious as he didn't call another driver to replace me but, unfortunately for him, I was so much. I've never regretted my actions even if I have to admit that I was a bit overreacting, maybe in a childish way. I was that done that I couldn't handle it anymore.
Then he decided to surprise me, in the real meaning of the word, coming to my house and apologizing, also in front of my parents. With his promises and convincing words, I decided to go back on my footsteps and finish my season.
Unfortunately my fate had something different in mind.
The free practices in Monza were as perfect as the atmosphere in the team. Everything was normal again and the last race they even let me win, without complaining over the radio.
I was ready for quali.
The car was feeling a bit strange but from the pit they gave me the all cleared to try a fast lap. So I did but clearly it wasn't the best idea.
With the first lap I noticed how difficult the car was to drive, above all in the corners because of the understeer, but I thought it was just my feeling.
I reached the finish line to start my real lap.
I pushed myself over the limits, trying to get the pole position but something was still wrong.
It all happened in a few seconds.
When I reached the Ascari hairpin turn, I completely lost the control.
The front tyres were going everywhere without caring about the steering wheel anymore.
I was going that fast that the impact was huge.
I found myself on the left side of my car, grasping on the hot asphalt.
When I reached the gravels, the car flipped so I was now upside down, with my neck pressed on the field.
Then I touched the barriers but it was not over.
Because of the grasp on the circuit, the car was on fire.
I couldn't breathe. I was stuck in my car, not able to move neither a finger. Around me there was just a mixed cloud of smoke and dust. I couldn't see anything. I heard over the radio my engineer screaming my name but I was in pure shock.
I don't remember what happened later because I fainted still in the car.
Having a bad crash is every driver's worst nightmare and I've had experienced it.