"Nonna, how many times do I have to tell you that I can't eat lasagna before the race?"
"Which race?"
Oh my God. Be patient, she's your old grandma after all.
"No worries nonna, I'm gonna eat Kiara's piece."
And there he was, my cousin, ready to eat everything on the table.
"Since when you don't eat, huh? You look like you just exited prison." I took joke of him and his hungriness.
"Shut up!"
"Please, close your mouth when you chew."
Bleah, he was disgusting but also my biggest supporter.
Stef and I started racing on karts when we were younger- he was 11 and I was 10. We were looking for some activities to do during our summer break, as our parents had to work almost all days and the school was over. Out of nowhere we found this kind of summer camp, close to our homes, where we could spend two weeks on the Mugello track, between karts and small helmets. We were already big fans of racing cars but that was the event that made us fall in love with karting ourselves.
Then we started to practice in a small kart team. In a few months we got some better, getting the chance of racing in our city and then region. Growing up, he decided to quit to focusing on school and other hobbies while I kept going increasing my passion and talent.
When I was 14, I got the second place in the European kart Championship and P3 in the World's one. It was a big success from me, in fact it gave me the opportunity to get promoted to Formula 4 with the Mercedes Junior Academy, after Toto Wolff himself noticed me at one of the last race of the championship, took in Germany.
Since my first race in F4, my family has never left me alone, from my parents to the youngest cousin that desperately looked for an autograph from his idols, that sometimes showed up in the smaller categories as guests.
Now that I was in F1 everything was a bit more complicated: my parents had their job, my cousins and friends their studies, so I was traveling all around the world, mostly alone, while they kept trying their best to support me nevertheless.
This race weekend was in Monza, so almost all of my family was there for me. These past days have been so hard for me. I wasn't able to get any sleep because of the amount of anxiety and nightmares I was having at night. I completely lost the sense of hungriness because of the constant nauseous feeling in my stomach at the only thought of going back on that track.
I was nervous. Too much nervous.
Coming back in Monza meant that I would have to face all my fears, worries, memories and demons from the accident. The bad crash I had in 2019 while racing in F2 happened here, in Italy, at my home race.
After the big lunch at my grandma's with the rest of the family, I jumped back in my car with some of my cousins that insisted to come with me at the track, as it was Thursday and they could have finally the chance to meet all the drivers.
"Wait! Before going out, you have to promise me that you will not mess up everything, ok? You can't go around and doing whatever you want. You will stay with Susanne and follow her directions, nothing more. Was I clear?" I asked once in the car, looking at them through the mirror.
"Yes sir!" They answered in unison like a bunch of idiots.
"Good, now take your VIP passes and disappear from my sight." They celebrated like little kids even if they were all older than me.
"Hi team. Sorry for being late but, you know, when nonna makes lasagna, you can't just say no."
They greeted me and laughed at my stupid apologies. Then Fred walked up to me.
"Hey, lasagna, huh?" His furrowed brows made me suddenly a bit nervous. It was race weekend and I had just admitted to have had one of the most caloric food of the Italian culture.
"I swear, I just had a bite and nothing more!" I said, pulling the hands in the air as a sing of giving up.
"Don't worry, as long as you don't break the car in half."
I loved Fred's sense of humor.
"Listen, I wanted to talk to you a second. Shall we?" He asked, suggesting me to a bit further in the paddock to be able to talk. "Kiara, we've known each other for a while now, so I got the chance to see how much you're stressed about this race, but you really don't have to, ok?"
Thanks for the reminding, Fred.
"You did a great job in the last races, considering the car you have and the fact that you missed the track for two years. You're talented, Kiara, never forget it or dare to doubt it. The whole team believes in you." He patted my back before leaving me with my eyes a bit wet of tears.
"Can you show us to Hamilton?" One of my cousins asked me as soon as I got back in the hospitality.
"Oh, mamma mia. Matteo, go away!"
"Uff, you're so boring." He murmured.
I left the bags in my room and quickly changed my T-shirt, to wear the polo team wear. Before going out, I checked one last time my phone to see if I got any new texts but nothing.
Lando has been acting a bit strange lately, he seemed... distant. Our last date was perfect, I had no idea of what could have happened in the meanwhile.
"Hey honey, how you doin' today? Ready for some media?" Suz reached me with her strong American accent.
"Well, if ready means that I'm about to break down, then yes, I am." I said, trying to break some tension with my usual auto-irony.
Something was going on as also my manager seemed a bit down. What the hell was happening?
"Listen Kiara. I've talked to a few people, including your therapist and parents. Franz and I think it will be good for you to go on a track walk with the others before really getting in the car."
I gasped only at the idea.
"I've already told Franz, last time we talked, that I'm not doing this." My stubbornness spoke for me.
"Please Kiara, think about it. It's for your best. It's better if you try the field by foot before than by car."
I felt my eyes watering. All the flashbacks from the accident, played in front of me. Chills spread through my body, reaching every fibers of muscles. Saying that I was scared was an understatement. But I got what she was trying to tell me.
I brushed both of my hands on my face, drying my eyes and trying to release some stress. After a few minutes I tried to spoke again but it was like the voice was stuck at the knot in the middle of the throat. It took a few sips from my water bottle to be able to say something again.
"I need Hannah, at least on FaceTime. I want my parents by my side, both of them. You and Mike will come too. I'm not doing this without all of you, I- I can't do this." I pulled my walls down, hugging Susanne so tight that I heard her gasping for air.
"Don't worry, girl. We all got your back, we won't leave you. Not again." She whispered the last two words, as if she was talking more to herself than to me.
I waited more than an hour for everyone to be on track. We actually had to ask FIA for a kind of special permission for my parents, as normal people can't take part to the usual team walk. Before going downstairs, I fixed myself a little in front of the mirror, trying to hide my puffy eyes behind some sunglasses. However it was useless, because when I reached the ground floor, everyone from the team was there, there for me. All the mechanics, engineers, all the guys from the media team, Pierre and his trainer, of course Suz, Mike and my parents as I asked before. Surprisingly also Mick was there, with his team shirt catching the other's attention. Then I spotted Franz and Horner too, next to my cousins, that for once looked serious.
"Hannah is on the phone already. I asked the photographers to leave you alone so there are no paparazzi or hidden cameras anywhere close."
Wow, she really thought of everything.
My mom came to me and hugged me, caressing my face gently, with all the sweetness that only a mother could have. "You can do it, piccola. I know you will."
And with that, we started our march from the pitlane, as if we were starting the GP. Everyone was chatting around with each other and also with me, trying to make me relax a bit, making me laugh at funny comments or silly jokes but it was almost impossible.
We were alone, like Suz said. The sun was going down slowly but the air around us was still warm. My hands were shaking and all sweaty. My heart was beating fast against my ribcage. The closer I got to that turn, the quicker my heartbeat became.
As we got to the Ascari corner, I felt the breathe being stuck in my throat. Everyone was now silent, as nobody had the courage to say something anymore.
I kept walking alone, in front of the others, with some sort of unusual braveness. Hannah was giving me a speech through the phone, but stopped when she saw me walking to the gravels. I put my sunglasses off my nose, up to my head. My arms were alongside my torso. My legs were shaking so bad that for an instant I thought I was about to fall. I stopped moving when I reached the exact point where my car finished his course after the crash, straight into the barriers.
I still didn't know why, but I felt the need, almost the urge, to sit there and then lay down.
After a time that looked like it lasted an eternity, everyone followed my example, positioning themselves next to me. Exactly in the same position I was, under the car number 21 in that Grand Prix.
I was silently crying and I stopped only when I realized what I was doing, actually what we were all doing. I got my head a bit up to have a perfect look on the others and I couldn't stop myself from smiling. In a few seconds the smile turned into chuckles and then loud laughs.
I felt an immediate force trough my veins. Remembering of the terrible position I found myself in that race, made me smile for the first time ever.
I was alive, I was fine, still on my own legs, surrounding by people who supported me and loved me no matter what, now in a F1 team, ready to finish a freaking season.
Everyone around me, still a bit confused about my reaction, started applauding at me out of nowhere.
I got up and so did they, cheering and screaming my name, celebrating me as if I've just won the championship, smiling proudly at the big step I've just taken in the long journey of recovering.
Here I was, where everything stopped two years ago, ready for my rise up.