𝐘/𝐍 𝐏𝐎𝐕
THERE WAS one bed. One fucking bed. "I can sleep on the floor." I blurted out. In hindsight, sharing a bed with someone wasn't that big of a deal. However, it was a pretty big deal when you have the world's biggest crush on the person you're sharing it with and they don't even know. I felt like it was crossing some sort of moral line.
"What? I'm not letting you sleep on the floor Y/n. We can just share the bed, it's not that big of a deal." Emily said quietly as she walked to the right side of the bed and put her stuff down. If I wasn't so panicked I would have realized that Emily's words were more to calm herself down than to calm me down. I took a deep breath and tried to collect my nerves. It was one night. If she doesn't have a problem with it I shouldn't either. Right?
"You better not be a kicker," Emily said with a small smile as she met my gaze, instantly calming my nerves. It's like she always knew exactly what to say. It was also another reminder that I'm making a much bigger deal out of this than I should be.
"And you better not be a cover hog," I said with a small laugh and she joined me.
"You can go shower first," Emily said to me. I nodded as I grabbed my stuff and headed to the bathroom. I turned the shower on and watched as steam filled the bathroom. The silence and heat lead my mind to wander. This was the first time today I allowed myself to be alone with my thoughts.
I got into the shower and immediately sat on the ground as the hot water ran down my entire body. I pulled my legs to my chest and held them as tight as possible. My mind was racing. Not just with Emily and the bed, but with everything. With coming back home.
I hadn't been back to Pittsburgh in years. I thought that if I stayed away, all the bad memories could just be locked here. I could move on with my life and my past would stay away from me.
But as I sit here, burning water pounding on my body, I can't help but let old memories flood into my mind. It was as if I opened a drawing bridge and all the memories were rushing out. Painful memories. Memories that I try to forget.
Although, my mind seems to fixate on one memory in particular. A memory that has haunted me for over a decade. A memory I am reminded of every time I look in a mirror. A memory that slowly destroys me every time I let myself think about it.
"Y/n, are you okay?" Emily asked as she knocked on the door, pulling me out of my thoughts. I looked down at my hands and saw that they had turned all wrinkly. How long had I been sitting here?
"Yeah, I'm fine. I'll be out in a second." I called out, easily able to mask my emotions. I quickly washed my hair and body before getting out. I pulled on a sweatshirt and a pair of shorts that had seemingly shrunk since the last time I wore them.
I eventually made my way out of the bathroom and saw Emily on the bed reading. When she heard me she looked up from her book. "You okay?" She asked as she put her book down. On any other day, I would have freaked out that Emily seemed to care enough to ask how I was, but not today. I was too drained to even realize the significance of it.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Why?" I asked as I crossed my arms. Which I immediately regretted because any profiler would know that crossing your arms is literally withholding behavior. Not to my surprise I could see Emily instantly profiling me. "You were in the shower for an hour and a half." She said raising her eyebrows.
"I uh- I just like taking long showers," I said, never breaking eye contact with her. I knew if I looked down she would profile it. Emily looked at me skeptically and it took everything in me not to break eye contact. She gave me a small nod before grabbing her stuff and heading into the bathroom. Thank God.
Once I heard the door close I immediately sank into bed. This day had been so long and draining. I pulled the covers over me and laid my head on the pillow. I would read for a bit but my body had other ideas. The stress and exhaustion from today must have caught up with me because as soon as my head hit the pillow I was out.
𝐄𝐌𝐈𝐋𝐘 𝐏𝐎𝐕
I walked out of the bathroom and found Y/n already asleep and I immediately exhaled a breath of relief. This would be so much easier if we didn't have to interact. I quietly got into the bed next to her trying not to wake her. Not to my surprise she didn't stir. She may be the hardest sleeper I've ever met.
It was strange to be next to her like this. I had no idea what came over me when I said we could share the bed. In all honesty, I was going to offer to sleep on the floor. But it was just one night and people shared beds all the time. It didn't have to mean anything.
Although as I look down at her, I realize this does mean something. It means everything. I leaned my head against the wall and cursed my heart for putting me in this situation. I definitely would not be sleeping tonight.
I pulled my book off the nightstand and tried to read but my thoughts kept going back to her. I was worried about her. She seemed off the entire day, which was to be expected because she was coming back home. I know that it's in the BAU's unspoken rule book to not profile our teammates, but I couldn't help it.
Although, you don't need to be a profiler to realize that taking an hour-and-a-half-long shower obviously means someone isn't okay. I've noticed that she can easily mask her emotions around others. She puts up a front to hide whatever is underneath. Not that I have any room to judge, I hide behind my cold-hearted mask just to hide something even worse.
I felt Y/n shift beside me as she rolled over. I looked down at her peacefully sleeping and saw a strand of hair had fallen onto her face. Without even thinking I gently brushed the piece of hair behind her ear. Her face was soft as my hands grazed against it. My heart began to flutter just from the light contact. I immediately jerked my hand back after realizing what I had done. I felt my face burning. Why did that feel so natural? It was like I'd done it a million times before.
I shook my head and quietly got out of bed to head to the bathroom and wash my face. What is wrong with me? I thought as I looked at myself in the mirror. I leaned against the counter, lost in thought.
All of a sudden I heard a gut-wrenching scream coming from the other side of the bathroom door. It was as if time slowed down as I bolted out of the bathroom. My first thought was that someone had broken into the room but I ruled that out when I didn't see anyone.
I quickly ran over to Y/n as she screamed again. The terror in her voice made my heart shatter. It wasn't until I got closer that I saw her eyes were still closed. She was breathing heavily and her whole body was shaking.
A night terror. She was having a night terror.
I couldn't do anything but stand there helplessly and watch Y/n suffer. I knew that waking her up would only make it worse. I knelt down by the side of her bed and watched her carefully to make sure she didn't accidentally injure herself. "I'm sorry." She said quietly and then repeated over and over again. "Im sorry, I'm sorry, Im sorry....." Her voice sounded pained. At first, I didn't realize she was still in the night terror but as her body began to shake more I knew she wasn't out of the clear yet. I didn't think it was possible for my heart to feel this much pain, but the more she kept talking the more pained I felt.
I sat on the ground watching her for another five minutes. I wanted more than anything to take her pain away but I knew I couldn't. All of a sudden Y/n sat up with a jolt. She was breathing heavily as she looked around the room frantically. I knew better than to make any sudden movements so I slowly stood up. "You're okay Y/n. It's me, Emily. You just had a night terror." I said softly as I sat on the bed next to her. She didn't say anything but I could see her breath starting to even out. I watched as she closed her eyes again, probably trying to ground herself.
"I'm sorry if I woke you up." She said quietly after a couple of minutes. She was wringing her hands together. It made my heart sink that after everything that had happened she was apologizing to me. "Hey, look at me, y/n," I said softly. She slowly brought her gaze up to me. "No apologies needed, I was still awake," I said softly. She nodded and returned her gaze back to the floor. I wish I could just see inside her brain to know what she was thinking.
We were silent for another minute. "Do you want to talk about it?" I asked. I waited for her response but it didn't come. "I get them all the time too," I said quietly, surprising myself that I was admitting this out loud. But I wanted to make her feel like she wasn't alone.
All of a sudden I felt her grab my hand, although she was still staring at the ground. Her hand was so soft...
I realized that this was her way of telling me to continue talking without actually saying it.
"Everyone on the team gets them. I mean it makes sense with what we do. We're surrounded by death and pain every single day so it's bound to take its toll. I guess I'm trying to say that this doesn't make you weak, if anything, it's a testament to how much you've had to overcome." I said softly. When she didn't respond I took it as a sign to keep talking.
"I know it's hard to talk about because when you talk about it, it makes it real. But, I promise talking to someone will make you feel so much better. Nothing good comes from bottling up everything." I continued. I knew it was good advice because I've had similar conversations with Rossi. Although, I'm probably the world's biggest hypocrite because I would rather gouge my eyes out than talk about my feelings.
"I'm not saying you have to talk to me, but I am always here to listen," I said softly squeezing her hand. We were silent for another minute, just sitting on the bed, hand in hand.
"I haven't had one in years," Y/n said quietly, breaking the silence. "But it was the same one. The same one since I first started getting them." She finally looked up at me and I gave her a small nod to let her know she could talk as long as she wanted. I was honestly surprised that she was opening up to me. But now that I knew she trusted me, I'm going to make sure no one ever hurts again. No one.
"I know I told you that my mom had some problems with alcohol, but she wasn't always like that. She was a pretty good mom in the beginning." Y/n said softly.
"My dad left before my little sister was born. So it was just my mom, me, and my little sister Lexi." Y/n continued.
Memories started to rush back into my head. The picture with her sister. The way Y/n ran off after talking about her. I didn't want to make any assumptions but I'm guessing this story had a bad ending.
"My mom was a nurse at the hospital so she worked a lot just to keep a roof over our heads. She was gone all the time so I was always watching Lexi. I didn't mind though, she was only a year younger than me so we were really close. With my mom being gone all the time, I made it my responsibility to be there for Lexi. I helped with her homework, made dinner for us, got her to soccer practice, and made sure she went to bed every night." She said. She paused for a moment before she continued again.
"One night when I was nine and Lexi was eight we were driving home from a movie. My mom had just worked a 48-hour shift and it was raining really hard. She must have either fallen asleep or lost control of the car because it ran off the road and hit a tree. My mom was knocked unconscious and I had a broken arm and minor concussion." Y/n said so quietly I could barely hear her. My heart sank but I knew she was nowhere close to being done with her story. I squeezed her hand softly because it was the only way I could think of to comfort her.
"Lexi took the brunt of the crash. She was sitting in the middle seat because she wanted me to braid her hair. When we hit the tree she was thrown out the front window. After my brain had processed what happened I immediately ran out of the car despite the pain I was in and found her a couple of feet away from the car. When I saw her on the ground there was so much blood I didn't even recognize her." Y/n said her voice quivering.
"All I remember is pulling her into my arms and screaming for help. I was holding onto her so tightly because I didn't want to let her go. I guess a part of me already knew she was gone but I didn't want to believe that. Eventually, a car saw us and they called 911. When the medics came they practically had to pry Lexi out of my arms. I remember screaming at them to let me hold her one more time because I knew I would never be able to do it again." Y/n said as she squeezed her eyes shut as if she was trying to get the memory out of her head.
"Later on they told me she died on impact so she didn't suffer. But I'll never be able to get the image of her dead body out of my head. That's what I see every time I have a night terror. I see Lexi's dead body on the ground and I'm held back by some imaginary force so I can't hold her. It's like I'm stuck in my body and all I can do is scream about how sorry I am. I apologize for letting her sit in the middle seat. I apologize for begging my mom to take us to the movies when I knew she was tired. I apologize for not being able to save her." Y/n said as tears rolled down her cheek.
I immediately pulled her into my arms and I felt her wrap her arms around my back tightly. She leaned her head into the crook of my neck and I felt her let out a muffled sob. I whisper sweet nothing in her ear trying to calm her down to the best of my abilities. I couldn't even process what she had told me. I couldn't even describe the pain I felt for her.
After a couple of minutes of me consoling her in my arms, I felt her pull back. She wiped the remaining tears away from her face and looked up at me. "I kind of drenched your shirt." She said with a sniffle. "It's okay, Y/n," I said with a small smile. She looked at me with a sad smile.
"I didn't mean to dump all of that on you. I just started talking and everything just came out." Y/n said quickly.
"I told you I would listen to whatever you had to say, Y/n," I said quietly. I had been through enough trauma to know that apologizing for what happened to her wouldn't make her feel better.
"I know, but I don't want you to think that I can't do my job because of this. I've been going to therapy ever since it happened. Lots of therapy, like an unreasonable amount. Like, I don't even know how my mother afforded it amount. I usually don't break down like this but I guess coming back home triggered something-" Y/n rambled on nervously and slightly embarrassed.
"Y/n, slow down. You're one of the best profilers I've ever seen and that's saying a lot. What you went through was awful and I know nothing I can say will change that. But you are so strong, Y/n. Do you hear me?" I said grabbing her hand. She squeezed my hand in response.
"You think I'm a good profiler?" She asked with a small smile after a while. I couldn't help but laugh.
"Don't make me repeat it or I'll take it back," I said. This caused her to laugh as she wiped away the stray tears that were still falling down her face.
We sat there in silence for another minute, simply just taking in each other's company.
"Get some sleep, we have an early flight tomorrow," I said softly. Y/n nodded and gave me a small smile before getting back under the covers and laying down. I stood up and got on my side of the bed.
I turned the lamp off and finally got under covers. I heard Y/n shift in the bed. "Thank you, Emily. For everything" She said so softly I almost didn't hear it.
"Anytime," I whispered back.
I laid still for an hour not wanting to fall asleep until I heard Y/n breathe evening out. Once I knew she was asleep I tried closing my eyes.
All of a sudden I felt the bed shift as Y/n rolled over and nuzzled her face softly into my neck as she pressed her body closer to mine. I froze for a moment not knowing what to do. There was no way I was going to wake her up after everything that just happened.
After a while, I felt my body relax as it was overcome by exhaustion. I rested my cheek against the top of Y/n's head and for the first time in years, I fell asleep peacefully.
A/N: Sorry guys, I had to give yall some trauma, it wouldn't be a real criminal minds fanfic without it 😭
At least Emily was there to comfort yall 😏