Chapter 34
I woke up with a wicked headache too early in the morning.
All the crying and worrying and freaking out had hurt me.
I felt exhausted and the pounding in my head really didn't help.
Lexi was still hugging me, still sleeping.
We were supposed to go to school, but I really didn't have it in me right now.
And I knew I didn't have anything too important to do at school today, so I could skip without getting into too much trouble.
So, I let myself fall back asleep, hoping the headache might be a little bit more bearable if I was more rested.
I woke up again to the sound of her alarm, my head still pounding, the sun coming through the cracks of her window blinds feeling like a personal attack.
Lexi turned off her alarm, and probably felt my flinching because she asked softly, "How are you feeling?"
"Like my head is about to explode," I admitted, not wanting to hid anything from her. I wasn't feeling good. I wasn't going to act like I was.
"Oh no. Bad headache?" Lexi asked, sitting up, her eyes worried.
"Yeah," I replied, rubbing my fingers on my temples, like that could change anything.
"Wait a second," my Pumpkin said, getting up.
I wanted to whine about her leaving the bed. Her warmth was comforting, and I felt safe in her arms.
She headed to the bathroom and came back quickly.
"Here," she said, giving me a bottle of my prescribed pills and a glass of water. I'd left medication for my headaches at her place in case something like this happened.
I was grateful for the foresight.
She came back in bed with me, and hugged me again.
"I think I'm going to skip school today," I mumbled, smothered into my girlfriend's arms.
I hated the fact that somehow, I felt so comfortable and safe in her arms, but I somehow unconsciously thought being with her could feel like being with Kendall.
Being with Lexi felt nothing like being with Kendall.
Maybe Doctor Boseman was completely wrong.
Or maybe I had absolutely no control over how my brain dealt with trauma.
The second option was pretty annoying.
"Do you want me to stay with you and play nurse?" she asked. I wasn't sure if she was joking about that last part or serious.
"No, you should go to school. I don't want your dad to scold me," I admitted.
"I'm sure he'd be okay with me missing a day of school," Lexi argued.
"But I wouldn't. Anyway, there's nothing much for you to do. I'll try to sleep it off," I said.
I didn't want her to have to take care of me all the time. She'd already done a lot. Sleeping more and the pills would help.
And being in my girlfriend's bed might help too.
"Should we call your doctor?" she asked.
"Not for this kind of headache," I told her, trying not to worry her.
This was definitely not the worst I had felt. I could bear it. I just didn't want to today.
Lexi stayed cuddled up with me for a few more minutes and after that started to get ready.
I held one of her pillows in my arms, snuggling my face against it.
I listened to the sound of the Graysons getting ready for their day. Any clinging sounds were a little grating for my ears, but otherwise there was something slightly comforting about being here in my girlfriend's bed, listening to her family go through their day normally.
When they were all gone, I fell back asleep and I woke up again around noon.
I was feeling a little better. I took another pill for my headache, and about an hour later, the pounding in my head had mostly subdued, so I got up and got changed, and headed downstairs.
Lexi had left a post-it on the fridge.
The sandwich in the fridge is for you.
Love,
Your Pumpkin.
I smiled at the note, taking it and keeping it in my pocket.
I grabbed the sandwich and ate it at the counter, with a glass of water, feeling better and better.
After I was done eating, there was only one thing I left to do now.
I took my phone out and texted Josh.
Are you home?
He replied one second later. Yes
He had probably been waiting for my text.
I'll be there in about fifteen minutes. I replied, and headed out.
I was back at Josh's place in record time.
Josh was waiting for me by the door when I got there, looking a little miserable.
Part of me was happy about it.
Another part of me thought I was being childish and an awful friend.
"Look, I'm going to try to not take this super personally, because I know some things are not only about me, but I do feel very hurt right now," I told him right off the bat.
"Therapy is definitely doing you some good in expressing your emotions."
I ignored his attempt at humour and told him, "We need to continue the Jayden used to love art conversation."
Josh look anything but comfortable at the moment. "I think it would be better to focus on Kendall is an awful human being first, like really get all our anger out."
I ignored his remark. We'd deal with the whole Kendall thing later. For now, I wanted to know more about my brother. "Do you have more drawing from Jayden?"
"Yes."
"How many?"
"A lot..." Josh admitted, and then sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Give me a sec, I'll take everything out."
He ran up back to his library, while I stayed in the living room.
"Did my parents know," I called out. He could hear me. The library was on a mezzanine floor.
"Yes," Josh replied.
"Why didn't they tell me?" I asked.
"I guess they knew it would hurt you."
"It hurt more to realize I didn't actually know my brother. I really feel like I know nothing."
"You were just a kid. A gullible kid at that. We could make you believe whatever we wanted," Josh replied, coming back down the stairs with five boxes pilled up in his arms. It was a miracle he wasn't tripping. "Here," he said, dropping them at my feet.
"Is this all of it?" I asked, a little incredulous.
How had I never noticed these?
"Most of it, yeah," Josh replied.
I put the boxes down and opened them. I started to look through the piles of drawings. I wasn't sure what I was trying to see, or what I wanted out of this.
Maybe I was trying to see my brother through his art. I'd always though that someone's soul showed through the art they created.
But the more I looked at what Jayden I created, I realized something.
This wasn't my brother's soul.
It was his heart.
Black cats. Josh smiling. The pond Josh and Jayden always liked to pretend they were fishing from. Green eyes with every expression they possibly could make. More cats. Josh sleeping. Hands painting, hands I could easily distinguish from the beauty spot on it. Abstract lines that would look like they were nothing, but I could see clear forms from them. Obvious hugging forms. Josh hanging from a tree. The tree house they had tried to build together. Josh's father as an ogre. Josh doing cartwheels. Even freaking dolphins. Josh everywhere.
I looked up from the drawings looking at my best friend in shock. "Josh..."
"What?" he asked.
"He loved you," I whispered, feeling like someone had just slapped me at the realization.
Josh frowned. "What?"
"He loved you. Jesus Christ," I said, flipping through the pages, like it could change what I was seeing, but it was so obvious.
How had I never known?
Because I had always convinced myself that they were like brothers and that was why they were so close?
"What are you even saying?"
"Look at these!" I said, shaking a bunch of abstract aquarelles that a hundred percent looked like their hands holding. It was their hand because there was Jay's bracelet and Josh's beauty spot.
"What about them?" Josh asked.
"It's all you! It's all about you," I said, taking out the ones of him just doing mundane things, like Jayden's eyes had always been on him taking every little detail about him.
"No, it's not," Josh replied, a little stubbornly.
"Good god..." I said. How could he not see? And then it hit me. "Wait? You loved him too."
"Put down the drawing Blake," Josh said, taking the aquarelle out of my hands.
Of course.
Everything suddenly made so much more sense.
The lying made sense. The drawing made sense. So many things, all of it finally fitting into a clear picture.
"And that's why you hate Kendall so much."
Josh glared at me. "I hate Kendall because she's an abuser, a manipulator and a generally awful human being."
"And she stole Jayden from you," I stated.
Josh rolled his eyes. "She didn't steal Jay from me."
I snorted. "Of course, because he loved you so much that no one could have taken him from you, regardless of who he was dating or not."
"He didn't love me, Blake," Josh whined.
Where were the drawings of Kendall then? Why was it only Josh if Jayden hadn't loved him?
There was no one from our family. There was nothing in these drawing that wasn't about him.
"Are you fucking blind? Did you keep all his drawing during all this time and not see? It's all over them," I said, trying to get him to see it too.
"It's not."
"Did he give you these? Or did you just get them from my parents?" I pressed.
"He used to give me all his art. He said I was the keeper of his art. He wanted me to keep them from you, so they needed to be out of your house. That's all."
He wasn't the keeper of his art. He was the keeper of his heart. That was my brother's heart, splatter all over the sheets of papers.
How could Josh not see it?
"Jesus, and you say I'm the dumb one?" I mumbled.
"What?"
"He wanted you to look at the drawings and the paintings! He wanted you to look at it and see."
"See what?"
How could I get him to take me seriously. Josh didn't like to be vulnerable. I knew this. So, I could be vulnerable first. I could give him something.
"I'm going to look at you in the eyes and I'm going to say it. I'm going to admit that Kendall abused me. I don't want to admit it, but it's true. It's true. I tried ignoring this for years, but I just wanted to protect myself. I'll admit to this. So, now it's your turn to admit you and Jay loved each other."
It looked like something inside of Josh broke at that moment. My almost-brother, that was so strong all the time. His eyes filled with tears.
We just stared at each other. Josh didn't say anything. Fighting off tears. "I loved him. I have no idea if he loved me," he whispered, like this was the hardest thing to admit.
He probably had never admitted this out loud before.
"That's why you've never dated anyone before... you're still in love with him. Fuck, I'm so blind," I scoffed, so so many things getting clear.
Josh sighed, smiling sadly. "You're not blind, I'm just really good at keeping the feelings bottled up."
That ought to be the understatement of the century.
"You really really loved him," I said. It was so clear in his face now that he wasn't actively trying to hide it.
"I lost my whole freaking heart when he died," Josh admitted, his eyes so goddamn sad.
"How could you just go through that without ever telling me?" I asked him.
He'd kept all of this and for what? What did he think would happen if he told me he had loved Jayden? That I would be mad? Love him less?
He should have told me.
"It was easier to deal with it by ignoring it," he admitted.
"Was it? Is it?" I asked him gently.
Josh chuckled, smiling through the tears. "No..."
"He loved you Josh. He loved you so much."
"Are you sure?"
These three words. Just these three words, and I could see all the hurt and the doubt he'd felt for all these years, never truly knowing, and always being convinced that he would never be able to get an answer because he'd lost Jayden.
Josh had given me so much over the year. Friendship. Brotherhood. Comfort.
This was the least I could give him.
"Jayden loved you Josh."
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Happy Let's-Prentend-It's-Still-MOnday-And-Act-Like-I-Didn't-Post-Too-Late my little Pumpkins! XD
Sorry, sorry. I had too much to do, and I wanted to go over this chapter again while taking my time because it's a very important chapter to me.
I really hope you enjoyed it. I felt like this was the best way for Blake to find out. For those of you that didn't read Weird and Weirder, I hope you enjoyed the shock. XD But honestly, I think everyone knew at this point, right?
These have been heavy chapters so far. Next week is still heavy. But hey, Lexi's birthday is soon, so we'll get back to light stuff, don't worry. ;P
Alright, back to some writing. See you guys next week! I love y'all! :D