All cuddled up on Chenles couch with his best friends arms around him, holding him tight, Mark finally allows himself to answer the males question. "What happened?"
"It hurts", he mumbles, lips trembling. He turns and tucks his head into Chenles neck, apparently not prepared to answer at all.
Chenle kisses the top of his head. "Whenever you're ready, okay, Cutie?"
Mark nods against him, no intention of speaking about it anytime soon. Instead he says, "Your hair is still throwing me off."
The male laughs and plays with a strand of his recently-dyed silver hair. "It throws me off too sometimes. The first day after I got it, I got really confused as to why my hair wasn't pink."
Mark laughs. "Of course you'd do that." He nuzzles up against his best friend, wanting to be as close as he can get, feeling comfortable.
"You're so cute, Mark."
"You too."
Chenle kisses his forehead and continues to gently run his hand up and down Marks back, knowing it eases him. It's really cute how all Marks down since he started the action is inch closer to him.
"I love you", he murmurs, so quietly Mark doesn't hear it. It's okay though. Mark not hearing it doesn't make it any less true. What was meant to be a passing thought has a lightbulb go off in the silvery-haired males mind. "Cutie?" He asks tentatively, peeking at Marks cute face.
"Hm?"
"Can I ask you a question?"
Mark sighs. "It's about why I'm here, isn't it?"
"I don't have to ask", he tells him softly.
"Go ahead."
"Do you think love only exists if you can see it? Or, you know, hear it?"
"What?"
"If I only ever showed love to you and said nice things but never said the phrase 'I love you', would you know that I love you?"
Mark shakes his head. "I tried to be okay with that before. But people not telling me they love me directly goes beyond more than them just not saying it that way."
"Jeno, Haechan, and Jaemin tell you they love you, don't they? And Jaemin is falling in love?"
"Mhm."
"Is only one of them or is it all of them? Why does it hurt?"
"I'm afraid they love each other more", Mark mumbles too quiet for his friend to hear.
"What?"
"I'm afraid they love each other more and I'm just there and I'm always gonna be last."
"Oh, Cutie", Chenle says softly, now cupping Marks face and getting a good luck at his sad, pouty face. "I don't think they love each other more."
"I don't wanna think that either but what if it's true?"
"What if it's not?"
"Haechan's gonna make it official with Jeno, did you know that?"
"Yeah."
"I'm scared they're not gonna love me as much as I will. I wanna think it's different but", Mark gulps, letting his tears fall. "It was supposed be different last time. And they all never mean to do it on purpose either, it just happens when I start falling and they won't!" He takes a breath. "I know Jaemin said he's falling too but he wants Jeno. I'm not even gonna mention him with Haechan, we knew he was in love."
"Cutie", Chenle says, starting to work something out in his mind. "You love of all three of them, right? And the others are the same, having feelings for all three of you?"
"Le, you know this."
"I do. But if you know this, why do you think they won't have room to love you? They already made room, since they met you. What makes you think that them loving each other means they don't love you? That's not what you agreed to."
"I know", Mark whines. "I'm just so scared. And I was overthinking earlier a-and with Anna...Anna-you know." Chenle nods. "I was overthinking before we broke up to you. 'Cause she was showing it but I'm sure she didn't mean to. But I got the feeling that something was wrong and it was and with Darci...I knew his feelings weren't the same. I'd say something and he'd laugh it off and say someone less and I don't think he wanted me to notice but he looked guilty. Even Ten looked at me with sympathy and I was really fucking confused then, but no, it's because everyone could tell how I felt and that I'd never get those same feelings back. This is the first time I actually admitted I'm falling in love but what if that just causes more damage? I've never showed my feelings and had it go well and I know they're my boyfriends too but I still feel like I'm competing and if I am, I know I'm going to lose."
➳
It's been five days since that conversation and since then, Jeno, Jaemin, and Haechan haven't heard from Mark. Of course they tried contacting him, even going to his apartment, but he was hardly ever there and if he was, he didn't answer. None of them knew what going on, what was happening while a wall was between them. If they did, they'd see Mark balling eyes out, wishing they could come in without him letting them in. They'd see how much Mark wanted them and how scared he was, how strong his thoughts and fears had a hold on him.
They knew he went to Chenle and Johnny and Jaehyun, they spoke to everyone they know Mark would go to but they were always told the same thing,"he's not here" or "he needs space". It was devastating. None of them wanted to be apart from each other and even though Haechan, Jaemin, and Jeno were together, it wasn't the same. It was never the same with one of them missing.
As it turns out, it's not only those three that Mark's been avoiding.
Chenle lets out a sigh as he stares down at the text.
Darci
Darci
Is Mark mad at me????
➳
"Is Mark mad at me?" Is the first thing Darci asks.
"Erm, not exactly. Maybe. Okay, let me back up. He's not mad at current you."
Darci's face dims to one of hurt and worry. "It's about what happened before?"
"Kind of. Marks just in his head and fucking terrified, obviously. He's letting his fear control him and he's not talking to you 'cause he's remembering the past and letting them bother him now."
Darci groans. "Shit." He looks up at Chenle. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Probably not. Every once in a while, especially when he gets like this, I ask about you and he's basically been saying the same thing. He knows you weren't meant for each other, he's glad you're happy and in love with someone else, he doesn't want you back, but it would've been nice you loved him. We both know you didn't mean to but your relationship just added onto his pain and with Mark seeing Annalise not long ago-"
"He what?" Chenles mouth falls open. "That bitch is here? Did she speak to him? Oh my God."
"Yeah, um, she said hi, but Mark couldn't handle it and Jeno was left to talk to her and she said something about she didn't think he'd react like that and that it's been years."
"I'll kill her."
"Don't worry, Jeno already told her to stay away from him."
"Why didn't she do that in the first place? Doesn't she know how much she hurt Mark?" Darci frowns. "And I hurt him right after her..." He groans again. "Fuck."
"He's more upset that he was hurt, not that it was you."
"That doesn't make me feel any better", Darci mumbles. "I never wanted to hurt him. I always told how stupid Annalise was for dumping him. I got him to trust me and then re-shattered his heart into bits."
"Darci, calm down."
"How can I? I'm just as much of a villain in his story as Annabitch and Mark won't even paint me like that."
"One, Annabitch is funny and I'd steal it if I didn't love referring to her like she's Voldemort."
"That's a good one", Darci agrees halfheartedly.
"Darce...", Chenle says, eyes softening. "He's not upset with you, okay? If he was, he wouldn't be friends. You know that. He needed time after the breakup and when he felt okay, he wanted to go back to being friends. He did it 'cause he wanted to. I, honestly, told him it was a bad idea. I was kinda livid after you broke up."
Darci chuckles. "He told me."
"Yeah. Mark was insistent about not losing you. He got over it, that's why he can do all this friendly shit with you. Kudos to him, I would never."
"Yeah but isn't your ex an asshole?"
"Yeah, but even if he wasn't, I would never." Darci gives him a look. "Okay, maybe I would."
"You so would."
"That's besides the point."
"Will he be okay?" Darci asks softly. "It's okay if we need to stop being friends. I want him to stop hurting."
"He wants to be friends. So if after this, you speak to him and start spewing this nonsense and make him think you don't wanna be friends, I'mma beat your ass."
"I'm not too worried."
"Jisung will beat Ems ass and then we'll beat yours together."
"I think we can avoid that."
Chenle grins, leaning back against his chair. "Good."
"I love your hair by the way."
"Thank you."
➳
Jaehyuns eyes flick over his two best friends cuddled up together, Mark resting on Johnny. He watches his Johnny fiddles with a few thin strands of hair and every once in a kiss, kisses Marks face. It's completely normal, they all do it, but this time Jaehyun notices how fond Johnny looks.
Did he look at me that way?
How did I not notice this before?
Seriously how? The love is practically written all over Johnnys face.
"How's you and Dakoda he asks?"
"We're fine", Johnny answers, not taking his eyes off Mark. "We hangout sometimes and she flirts with me but lately, she's been busy with Renjun."
Oh yeah
Jaehyun hums.
"Mark, do you wanna lay down?" Johnny asks.
Mark hugs Johnny. "I'm not doing shit if you're not with me."
The two laugh. "Okay, well, do you wanna move?"
"I'm perfectly fine with you as my pillow."
Johnny kisses his head. "Okay. We're right here. Sleep if you want to."
"I will", Mark mumbles. "I love you guys."
"We love you too."
Within ten minutes, Mark is fast asleep on Johnny, keeping a death grip on his shirt like he knows he'd try to move.
"You really love him", Jaehyun says, watching Johnny with Mark.
"Of course I do. I love both of you."
"How long did you...", Jaehyun shakes his head. "Nevermind."
Johnny looks over at his friend. "How long was I in love?"
He nods, awkwardly, avoiding his eyes. "Yeah."
"A few years. Same with you." They make eye contact and then Johnny goes back to looking at Mark, caressing his hair to keep asleep. "I assumed it would be unrequited. He was head over heels for...her." Jaehyun nods. "And then there was that break. I had no hope then, I just wanted him to feel better. I wished it was me but who wouldn't when they feel that way. And then there was this one day, that party."
Jaehyun gulps at remembrance of the party. Without Johnny explaining, he knows what he's talking about. "Yeah, that party." If Johnny notices his behavior, he ignores it and keeps talking.
"I wasn't really expecting you two to makeout. I didn't know you thought about Mark like that."
"It was a one-time thing."
Johnny laughs softly, the ease surrounding him contradicting Jaehyuns discomfort. "Of course it was. But yeah, that was my last straw with him. That and Lele mentioning a blind date. I knew he'd never see me as anything more. And it's okay. I love Mark so much and if I had the chance to be his, I'd probably take it. But until recently, I never wanted one or the other, I wanted both of you."
"Right."
"Why are you being so awkward? I'm the one spilling my heart out."
"I feel bad, Johnny."
"Well stop it."
"How do you expect me to-" He stops short when Mark stirs in his sleep, moving over and further snuggling against Johnny. He starts over again, speaking quieter. "How do you expect me to not feel bad?"
"You're my best friend. All I expect from you is to be my best friend and love me this way. Don't stress yourself over feelings you can't help. I said the same thing to Mark. If he's okay, then you can be okay too."
Jaehyun nods. "Okay."
"Good. Now, be a good best friend and buy us food."
Jaehyun rolls his eyes but gets up anyway. "What do you want?"
"Get something from that barbecue place a few blocks away."
"The brick one?"
"Yeah."
"Alright, I'll be back." Johnny smiles sweetly as Jaehyun places a kiss on his and Marks forehead. "I love you guys."
"We love you too, honey."
Jaehyun rolls his eyes again, a playful smile on his face. He carefully gets his shoes on and makes his way out. When the door clicks shut, Mark moves.
"What was that?" He mumbles, too tired to be worried about it.
"Jae's going to get us food."
"Where from?"
"The barbecue place we like."
"Good. And if he even joking comes back with any pizza, let's lock him out."
Johnny chuckles. "Good plan."
Tennn<3, Wooooo<3
Wooooo<3
How the fuck do you figure out
if you're self-aware or just
delusional?
Jaemin
Context would be a good place
to start
Tennn<3
I already told him the answer
but he didn't believe me and
went to ask Kun for advice
I take it he didn't help
Wooooo<3
He told me not to worry and to
let things play out
It's good advice but it's not good
advice for right now
Jaemin
CONTEXT
WHY ARE WE POSSIBLY
DELUSIONAL??
Wooooo<3
I think Sungchan either already
does have a crush on me or is
developing one
Which could be either a really
good or really bad thing
Jaemin
If you think he has a crush on
you, he probably does
And I'm saying that cause you
never assume anyone has any
interest in you so he's probably
being obvious
And you don't know how you
feel about him?
Wooooo<3
Nope
The only recognizable feelings
I have for him are how I feel
about you
Adorable
Pretty smile
Cute when he laughs
Okay with hugging
Tennn<3
So you feel nothing for him?
Wooooo<3
Right now I don't
But what if I never feel anything
for him and he starts actually
liking me?
I never agreed to break hearts
Not like this anyways
Tennn<3
PLEASE
NO OVERTHINKING
I might actually stab myself with
a needle
Nvm I'm gonna stab KUN with a
needle
Jaemin
Ten you cannot stab Kun with
a needle
Or anything else
Or harm him at all
In any way, shape, or form
I swear Yangyang said he talked
to you about this
Tennn<3
We did talk
I said I threaten people because
it's fun and I'm not gonna stop
and he gave up :))))
Very productive
Wooooo<3
Guys I'm still worried
Tennn<3
Do Renjun and Shotaro do and
eat cake
Apparently it's very helpful
Jaemin
I agree with that
Wooooo<3
So I definitely shouldn't do
research on romantic feelings
right?
Jaemin
NO!!!!!!
Tennn<3
NO!!!
Wooooo<3
Alright alright, I'll get cake
Unknown
Unknown
Hopefully this is Jaemin cause
if it's not, this is embarrassing
It's Winwin and Haechan gave
me your number to talk to you
Jaemin
You're at the right person
I'll gladly talk to you but
Haechan-oh nevermind he told
me now
Not really but kinda
Ohhhh this about Renjunnnn
Winwin
Yeah
I'm actually not sure what he
wants me to get out of this but
he insisted I talk to you so
Jaemin
Okay well can I ask questions?
Winwin
Yeah I don't really care
I basically said all this to a
group of people I didn't know
so you're not any different
Jaemin
Was Haechan in that group of
people?
Wait
The Christmas party
Winwin
Yeah
Someone, I think it was Jaehyun
said us talking outside felt like a
support group and we exchanged
numbers cause why not
And now we're here
Jaemin
I'm mostly just shocked Haechan
is apart of your support group
Winwin
He started it
Jaemin
WHAT
➳
"What do I do, Doyo?"
Doyoung sighs. "You can just wait. Mark's not facing you guys 'cause he's not ready. Battling the thoughts in your mind is one of the most difficult things we do. If you text him, make you sure you mention how much you love him. There's a liar in his head telling him that the love you three have for him is made up."
"How do I prove it's not? I wanna see him. We all do."
"Like, I said, just do what you can in your time apart. I think he needs transparency. Which would probably make all of you uncomfortable but it's beneficial. Think of it like this, Mark needs to know it's safe to love you three. To let his love go as deep as it can go. He's holding himself back but he's under the impression he can scare you away." Doyoung sighs again, not wanting to say this next part. "He's also under the impression he has to earn your love and compete for it."
Jenos eyebrows furrow together in confusion. "What?"
"He thinks you three will love each other more than him, that if you fall in love, there's less love for him. He thinks he has to fight his way into the relationship 'cause he's too scared to let himself think you want him there and that you'll keep him."
Jeno runs a hand through his hair and groans. "Fuck."
Doyoung pulls Jeno into his arms, not wanting him to be too stressed out. "Just keep doing what you're doing, he'll realize eventually."
"When?" Jeno says, his voice breaking as tears threaten to fall. "It's been so long."
"It'll be okay", Doyoung says, holding Jeno as he cries.
I hope
➳
"You're clearly punishing yourself."
"Clearly" was an understatement. Renjun looked like hell and him living in candyland while working didn't make his case any better.
"So?"
Shotaro rolls his eyes. "So you need to stop. You don't have to act like you killed someone 'cause you didn't return a guys feelings."
"He's not just some guy", Renjun says. "He's our best friend."
"Yeah, did you kill him?"
"I don't feel like doing this, Taro."
"And I don't feel like watching you live like a child without adult supervision."
"You don't get it, Taro, this makes me feel more than guilt. It hurts me but I know I can't say it. I know I don't want Winwin the way he wants me."
"Are you sure?"
Renjun turns to face the male in confused exasperation. "What?"
"Are you sure you don't like Winwin?"
"No, I'm just struggling with the fact that he's not mine."
"He's still your best friend. What makes him different than all those other flings?"
"The fact that he's more", Renjun mumbles, continuing to push the fabric through the machine.
"I said forget about him being your best friend."
"I know Winwin, okay?" Renjun exclaims, facing him, fabric forgotten. "I know so much about him and they're all good things. I know he deserves the entire goddamn universe and I wish I could give it to him but our feelings aren't the same. If I liked him—no, if I loved him, we'd be together right now, instead of apart. If I loved him, I would've told him that and we wouldn't have only ever been friends with benefits." Renjuns voice becomes shaky, so overwhelmed with emotion. "If I loved him, I would tell him every chance I get. I would say it when he wasn't even doing anything. When he's sitting on couch just waiting for me to watch TV with him. I would say it when he smiles, when I see him and when I leave. I would hold his face and pour out my feelings, tell him how much he means to me and flirt with him to make him blush because it's cute. If I loved him, I would hold his hand or have my arm around his waist 'cause I'd want everyone to know he's mine. That we're each others. If I loved him, I would do everything for him. If I loved him...I'd never fuck it up this much."
Shotaro backhugs Renjun, hating how much pain both of his friends are in. Sure, Renjun just told him what would happen if he loved Winwin back, but something tells him it's more than something Renjun just imagined to explain his point. He spoke like he knows it, feels it, all the love he'd give Winwin if he was permitted to.
"Shouldn't you try?" He asks.
"I ruined everything, Taro."
"Who said you can't fix it?"
➳
"I'm gonna go insane", Jeno says. "I might actually drive my head into the wall."
"Same", Haechan agrees.
"We just have to wait", Jaemin says, knowing it doesn't help them at all.
The sound of the door opening and shutting gets their attention. Jisung takes one look at their faces and his mood deflates. "Stop looking so depressed, you're making me sad."
"We are sad."
"I know but you don't have to spend your days like this."
"How would you feel if Lele went two weeks without talking to you?"
Jisung rolls his eyes at Jeno. "You act like you don't know that trying to hate me was his way of avoiding me. He was scared too and he almost pulled away so many times. When he agreed to dating me, he almost took it back."
Jenos eyes widen. "What?"
"You didn't know?"
"If he didn't, he didn't say it like that."
"Well yeah, that happened. The point is that he was fucking terrified and after realizing that all I'm ever gonna do is love him, he started to relax. Mark needs time to realize that your love is limitless."
"I wish he could realize it sooner."
➳
"Lele, we gotta do something."
"Context please?"
"Well, first, I need to kiss you hello." The two share a kiss and then Jisung says, "We gotta do something about our best friends. I saw Jaemin, Haechan, and Jeno today and they look like they're mourning. Okay, they're just as bad as Mark."
Chenle sighs. "I know but Mark's not ready."
"What if he spoke to Haechan? The mention of him wanting to ask out Jeno is what started this, right?"
"Yeah, but..."
"Okay, let's tell him about it and see."
I don't know if this'll work
➳
Haechan sits on Chenle and Jisungs couch, back straight and hands on his knees while his fingers drum on them nervously.
"How long, Lele?"
"I don't know", Chenle says, looking at his phone, opening up to his messages with Mark, his most recent one on delivered.
Jisung sighs and runs a hand through his hair. "He's not chickening out, is he?"
"I don't know", Chenle groans. "He said he was nervous but he probably should talk to him. I don't know why he's not here."
"I'm gonna go talk to Haechan."
Chenle stays in the room, staring at his phone, wanting to hear from his best friend.
Ten minutes later, he does.
"I should've known he wouldn't want to speak with me", Haechan mutters.
"It's not like that", Chenle tries.
"Yes, it is. I was too blind to realize I was bothering him until it was too late."
"Don't blame yourself for this."
"Am I not the reason Mark is speaking to me, Jaemin, and Jeno right now?"
"He's just worried", Chenle tells him softly. "He doesn't wanna get hurt."
"They'd never hurt him though", Jisung says. "All they do is show him love, right? He just has to trust them."
"Yes, bud you know it's not easy."
"They would never do what Darci and Annalise did. Doesn't he know that?'
"He wants to believe it, trust me. He does."
"Wouldn't it help if he actually spoke to Haechan?"
"I know, Ji, I know. It's just hard you don't have good experiences."
"Well what can they do make him understand that they only wanna give him good experiences? And please don't say-"
"Time."
Jisung groans. "Hasn't he had enough time already? It's only make everyone worse."
"No, Jisung, it's okay", Haechan tells him, placing his hand on Jisungs.
"It's not okay! You're all hurting and Mark isn't helping himself!"
"Him getting space is helping."
"How?"
And that's when the fight starts. The two get so caught up in it that they completely forget their friend on the couch watching them, increasingly growing more and more panicked at their loud voices. They keep going, his guilt growing more and more.
I'm ruining everything
I ruin everything
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" He cries, shutting them up. "It's my fault, I'm sorry!"
The couple stares at him. "What do you mean it's your fault? What are you talking about?"
"You're fighting because of me."
Chenle exchanges a confused look with Jisung. "No, we're not. I'm fighting with Jisung because he's not being understanding."
"He's defending me. This whole situation has to do with me."
The two males standing look at each other again, having a silent conversation, worry reflected in their eyes. When they turn back to Haechan, they're shocked to see his bad his state has gotten in less than a minute. Tears are streaming down his face, lips quivering, whole body shaking, and he won't look up.
"Cookie", Jisung says gently. "Our fight isn't about you."
"Stop lying!" Haechan exclaims. "I know when something is my fault! It usually is."
"What?" Chenle asks in confusion.
Why on Earth does he thinks it's usually his fault?
"I'm a problem, okay? I'm sorry. Please stop fighting, yelling, and blaming each other. Blame me."
"You're not a problem."
"I am!" Haechans lips quiver even more. "I always 'cause trouble for people. I don't mean to." Quieter, he repeats, "I didn't mean to."
Jisung and Chenles hearts break as they look at Haechan. Neither have ever seen him look so sad, so small, and sound so weak. Not even during that break with Jaemin. This is worse. Much worse.
They sit on the couch, on both sides of Haechan. The brunet links their arms together, keeping Chenle and Jisung close.
"Cookie...", Jisung starts, voice light and airy.
Afraid of what he's gonna say, Haechan repeats, "I'm really sorry." Hopefully, if he apologizes enough, it'll fix things.
Though he's not sure they ever do.
➳
"They did what?" Jaemin shouts, looking very, very angry.
"Princess", Jeno says. "Let's not kill anyone."
"Oh, we're hurting someone", he says, dragging Jeno towards the door.
Shit
➳
"Get the fuck away, get the fuck away right now!" Jeno panics into his phone.
Chenle shares a look with Jisung. "What?"
"There is a very angry princess coming to you right now and he looks like he really wants to punch something."
'What?' Jisung mouths.
Chenle ignores him and asks, "Will a punching bag help?"
"What?"
"Shh!" Jisung holds his hands up in surrender and goes back to living room where Haechan is.
Realizing Jisung is back, Haechan opens his blanket and gets pulled into Jisungs arms. Jisung presses a few kisses to his forehead, then his cheeks.
"Jaemin and Jeno are coming."
"Oh, yay."
Haechan adjusts his position against Jisung, accepting his affection like he didn't cause him distress. While Jisung's just thinking I'm sorry
I love you and I'm so sorry
A little while later, Jaemin and Jeno get there. Haechan goes barreling at them, obliviously saving his friends from Jaemins wrath.
"I thought of something", he says against Jaemins chest a couple minutes later.
"What?" Jaemin asks, holding his face while Jeno peeks over his shoulder from where he's backhugging him.
"We need to show Mark we love him and I think I know what will prove that. We have to make it official so he knows we're falling just as hard."
"Princess, tune out." As soon as Jeno moves back, Jaemin puts his lips by Haechans ear to whisper, "What about Jeno?"
Haechan grins. "We just have to keep him distracted."
Chapter one hundred next chapter!!!
Gonna be brutally honest, the hardest scene in the whole chapter was Haechan with ChenJi. That hit a little bit too close to home lmao. Me to myself: You're making your problems into a joke again
I think now is also a really good time to say I'm sorry...But I TOLD YOU I WOULD FIX IT!! And I intend to do just that
Mark to Jeno, Jaemin, and Haechan:
And here's a little something for you
I LOVE YOUUUUU
ⁱ'ˡˡ ᶠⁱˣ ⁱᵗ, ⁱ ᵖʳᵒᵐⁱˢᵉ
Not proofread❤️