"Okay, has anyone even seen Winwin?" Shotaro asks. "Besides Sungchan. They practically share apartments."
Hendery, Xiaojun, and Yangyang shake their heads, making their white-haired friend sigh.
Xiaojun turns his attention to Yangyang. "Yang, how's you and Ten?"
"Oh, we're good." At that, the three males roll their eyes. "What?"
"You always say that. Tell us something interesting. When's your next date?"
"Whenever we want."
"I hope you're not a bottom 'cause I'm about to kick your ass."
Xiaojun snorts. "You think between him and Ten, Yang's the top?"
"What? I can top." Yangyang looks at Hendery. "And why do you wanna kick my ass?"
"'Cause you never talk about Ten. You say vague shit and act like that means we know how you feel."
"Yeah", Shotaro agrees. "I mean you used to talk more before you were dating but that was when-" He stops short, realizing the reason. "Oh."
Yangyang nods in annoyance. "Yeah."
"What?" When no one looks at Xiaojun, he rolls his eyes. "Don't tell me this is because of me."
"Well-", Hendery says, earning a smack from Shotaro. "Ow!"
While they go back to silence, Xiaojun racks his brain for the reason why Yangyang won't talk about Ten. And when he comes up with an answer, he is beyond annoyed. "Don't tell me this about my lack of a relationship with Kun."
"I don't wanna be make you sad, Xiao", Yangyang says softly.
"I'm not going to break because you're in a happy relationship. What kind of ass do you take me for?"
"We don't take you for an ass."
"Okay. And I'm completely fine knowing one of my best friends is in a happy relationship. Winwin is too. You can't protect us from sadness if we were to feel that way and I don't feel sad. Please talk about Ten."
"But it probably doesn't help that he's Kuns friend."
"Yangyang, for the love of God, please talk about your boyfriend!" Xiaojun snaps, making everyone freeze and then break out laughing.
Yangyang nods. "Sure."
➳
"How are you?"
"I-I'm good", Sungchan answers.
"Are you nervous?"
Sungchans cheeks go red at the question, just making Jungwoo smile at how cute he looks. "A little bit."
"That's fine. It just means we need to hangout enough where you don't nervous with me anymore."
"I'm fine with that. I'm normally better in social situations. But I'm also not completely used to new people. I used to get really anxious in social situations. I probably would now too but I don't really go places without my friends."
"Ah", Jungwoo says, nodding in understanding. "I don't really like going anywhere without Ten, Kun, or Jaemin. But that's just because I'm not always super friendly. It just depends on where I'm at."
Sungchan chuckles. "You remind me of Shotaro. He'll go somewhere and just stand there and judge everybody. He only becomes talkative when it's someone he knows and he'll, like, talk to a stranger, but it depends on his mood."
"So, what, are you the sunshine of your group? They all give off, no offense to them, bitchy, asshole vibes. You know if they're not being friendly."
"Me, Yangyang, Xiaojun, and Hendery are the nicest. Winwin is pretty nice too but he kinda just stares, looks bored, and doesn't talk if he doesn't feel like it. Taro is, I guess, selectively nice. Renjun is really nice too but that change in an instant." Feeling a little more comfortable and just wanting to say something, he asks, "What about Kun, Ten, and Jaemin?"
"They're all pretty nice. Ten is sassy. Him and Renjun are like the same person."
Sungchan laughs. "Yeah, Renjun told me about that. He came to me all grumpy because he couldn't scare Ten."
"Okay, be honest, can he scare anyone?"
"That's how he gets you."
"Fair enough. That's how Jaemin is. Don't get me wrong, he's super sweet and like the nicest person ever but when he's angry, he's like, ready to kill someone. And me and him always tell Ten that we'll handle it if someone hurts him."
"It probably would be concerning if he got angry if he's not normally that way."
Jungwoo nods and takes a sip of his drink. "So what's your favorite thing from here?"
"I think I've tried everything on the menu. Most of it's pretty good but I always seem to get a cheese danish, striped fudge cookie, and whatever drink I feel like. If my energy is low and I'm having a meh day, I'll get coffee or something that looks pretty so I'll feel better."
"And it helps?"
Sungchan nods. "Yangyang—his mom's a therapist and so he learns some stuff and tells us and told me that if I wanted a mood booster, to find someone to appreciate. So if day feels dull or I'm just having a bad day, I find something pretty to look at and it makes me feel better. One time, I was with my friends and I told them I need something pretty to look at so they call got up and stood in front of me in a funny pose. It made me laugh so he did make me feel better. Could also just be them."
"That's cute. Who are you the closest to? Renjun?"
"Him and Winwin. Those two are like my parents. I'm close with everyone though. Xiaojun, I actually met first."
"I would not have guessed that."
"Really?"
"I don't know, why. How did you meet?"
"Oh, um", Sungchan blushes. "I used to dance at this studio and Xiaojun worked there and I kept bumping into him. One time, literally."
"Honestly, I would bump into him too. I can be a mess."
"You seem fine to me." As soon as the words are out of Sungchans mouth, his blush deepens, making Jungwoo laugh.
"Thank you."
"Yeah, and we kinda found everyone else together but Xiaojun was way more awkward. Then we got drunk and he was fine then. A bit embarrassed but fine."
➳
Mark turns his phone off and places it face down with a sigh.
It shouldn't bother me that much
He knows he shouldn't mind, that he agreed, and even volunteered them to make individual progress, whatever that be. He knows it doesn't matter how much progress they make with each other, but yet again, he still feels like he's behind.
He has an official boyfriend but he has one instead of three.
Mark doesn't Haechan and Jeno to rush, he'd always assumed he'd get with Jaemin first anyways, but why does it feel like they're all moving on with their feelings and he's chasing after them? Even Jaemin and Jeno will become official at the rate they're going. He can see it, how happy they make each other. Jaemin told him he makes him happy and he believes it but do Haechan and Jeno make him happy?
Jaemin and Haechan were destined to be together, him and Jeno knew that from the moment they realized their feelings are mutual. Jaemin can love him, can be falling in love with him, but he's sure he feels more for Haechan. He sees the way Jeno is just falling in a bottomless pit for the two males.
He probably doesn't like me that much
Mark grips onto a pen, squeezing it, debating on breaking it. He wants these thoughts gone, he knows his insecurities are talking, his fear.
But last time he gave into fear, he was right.
He was always right.
And he hated it. How he could practically see the amount of love his exes had for him and how it was always less than his. He didn't mean to come off intense, he just couldn't control it. How do you control your feelings and how much you like someone when that's what you were granted permission to do?
Jeno told Mark he wouldn't get scared away by his feelings, that he'd reciprocate them. He said he wouldn't leave. Jaemin said he wouldn't leave too.
Why does them strengthening their relationships with someone else make that seem like a lie?
Mark groans. "You're overthinking", he mumbles.
They chose you, they want you, they're dating you, they chose you
Of course. He doesn't believe it.
➳
"What the hell are you so happy about?"
Haechan continues to smile. "Nothing."
"Doesn't seem like nothing, Sweetheart."
Haechan doesn't say anything and just kisses his cheek. "You'll find out soon enough."
"Is that doubling as a threat?"
"I won't tell you you're wrong."
"Yeah, but am I right? Is it something you and Princess are doing? No, it must be all three of you."
"You think Mark gets in on our evil schemes?"
"So you're admitting you have evil schemes?"
"Of course I do", Haechan replies, sweetly with obvious underlying menace. "But if you do everything right, you won't be a victim."
"Somehow I don't feel better."
Haechan laughs and continues clinging onto Jenos arms as they enter the restaurant. It's quiet, dimly lit, with mahogany picnic tables, with hanging lights all over the ceiling, one over the middle of each table. To counteract all the reddish-brown color, the back wall is team with a few chalk-like drawings on the menu board.
"Do me a favor and describe a few things for me, no questions asked", Haechan says when they're sitting down with their food.
Jeno raises an eyebrow. "Why?"
"Jeno", Haechan groans. "I said no questions."
"Sorry Sweetheart, ask away."
"Okay, good. And even if I asked you this before, tell me again. Describe your dream date, things make you feel nothing but loved, your favorite types of gifts, your favorite place to be kissed, and things that make you happy."
"Are you planning something?"
"Keep it up and I won't plan you something ever."
Jeno laughs and holds his hand up in surrender. "Okay! Um, my dream date." Haechan grins, getting one hundred times more interested when Jeno blushes. "Um, I definitely want something romantic. Like if it looks like something out of a movie, I won't mind that. Uh, okay, I kind of like the idea of being serenaded. Maybe by a beach."
"Roses too?" Jeno gives him a look. "What? You like flowers, don't you? No, yeah you do. Sam gave you a bouquet. You know, just give me her number."
"You want Sams number...to ask her about flowers...for me?"
"Yeah, what's the problem?"
"Uh, nothing I guess."
I just wasn't expecting this much care for me
Jenos too lost in shock to notice when Haechan is down copying the number into his phone until he says, "Her contact name still makes me laugh."
"Sometimes, I look at it and laugh."
"Do you know what you are in her phone?"
"Right bestie, wrong boyfriend."
Haechan bursts out laughing, an incredulous look on his face. "What?"
"I'm not joking", Jeno says with a laugh. "She showed me after she changed it."
"I love her for that. Anyways", Haechan says, bringing them back to the point. And their food. "Tell me things that make you feel nothing but loved."
It's scary for Jeno, but he wouldn't be himself if he didn't lean in with a grin and say, "You."
Haechan smiles in embarrassment. He doesn't let it last though as he leans over the table kisses Jeno, a fond look in his eyes. "Same here."
➳
Favorite Person☺️
Mark
LELE
Favorite Person☺️
CUTIE
Mark
Please tell me you're alone or
at least available
Favorite Person☺️
WHAT HAPPENED
Mark
Self-induced code red
Favorite Person☺️
Come here right now
You know what I always forget to think about?
How empty I'm gonna feel when this is done. Like I get so happy writing this book and absolutely adore it (it's why it's my priority) so what happens when it's over? I get the feeling of an accomplishment, yeah, but I'm definitely gonna feel sad
That's for another month though 'cause it's not this one
Oh my God...what if I finish this next month?
Holy shit holy shit I actually might oh my God oh my wow jeez this is a lot
ANYWAYS
How we feeling? Not about what I said above, I mean this chapter
I feel like I'm missing something, like I left out an important detail somewhere here...oh well, I'll figure it out later and incorporate it then
I LOVE YOU
Not proofread('Cause I should be sleeping...as if that's the only reason)❤️
Having a complicated relationship with a parent is so confusing 'cause like, there's trauma and people don't like being treated badly, in a way that makes them feel unloved, ignored and/or dismissed but then their parents could very well be suffering their own parental trauma too and it can make you sympathize but you know it's still not right so you're just conflicted. My mom is toxic and I very much dislike how she treats me but I know some of this comes from my grandparents, I've experienced it too, so I know my mom didn't have the best people raise her but I don't like what she's done to me and I love her very much, which sometimes makes me angry at myself, and on multiple occasions, I'd decided that once I move out, that's it from me. No-contact but then when I get reminded that my mom is a hurt child too, I feel bad and think maybe I'm being too harsh on my mom but I don't know how to heal when there's nothing helping me. It's just this tiring fight where I think I have a solution and then doubt myself because I still sometimes can't tell the difference between being selfish and loving myself and helping myself