"Igavehimahandjobinthepoolandlefthimthere—" The words tumbled from Aviva's lips in one breathless amalgamation.
"You what!?" Saoirse, utterly gob-smacked, fell back in her seat. Aviva understood that very little could put the producer in such a state. She would've felt honored she'd been the one to initiate it if she weren't so embarrassed.
"I don't know! It just happened!" Aviva cried, punishing a pink cushion with a vice-like grip. "Do you know what it feels like to constantly get so close to something you want only to have it taken away at the last second? Whenever I think we're getting somewhere, he stops, or there's a challenge, or someone interrupts us. And then he has to go around with his stupid, beautiful face and his perfect fucking muscles and that annoyingly gorgeous smile." The pillow swelled from the pressure in her hands. In this rollercoaster of an experience, Aviva was fighting to maintain control where little was to be had. "God, he's been messing with my head, and I was just – I was so – frustrated! I wanted him to feel it."
The producer's eyes remained wide, mouth hanging open in disbelief.
Aviva loosened her hold on the pillow. "He probably thinks I'm a sadistic freak or something..." After a momentary pause, her face morphed into one of shock as the cushion fell to the floor. The weighty consequences of her actions were starting to settle on her shoulders, "Alfie...Oh my God, Saoirse, I'm a terrible person!"
Returning to the present, Saoirse blew a few ginger strands out of her face, clutching the tops of her thighs. "No, Aviva, you're not."
"But – but I cheated. I'm a cheater, Saoirse! I'm no better than Suresh!"
Saoirse snapped to attention. "Hey!" She wagged a reprimanding finger. "Don't you ever compare yourself to that dickhead again, you hear me?"
"But—"
"Ah!" Saoirse held her palm in front of Aviva's face, "You will not."
Aviva pinched her lips together, a solemn nod the only evidence of her half-hearted agreement.
"You already spoke to Alfie about the status of your relationship, so you shouldn't feel guilty. But I still have...so many questions." Saoirse peeled her glasses away from her face and tiredly rubbed her nose bridge, "I'll start with one, though – why is it so hard for you to just tell Finn how you feel?"
For all her many talents, Aviva had come to discover that she possessed a particular affinity for overcomplicating a situation. Telling Finn could potentially absolve her from the torturous limbo she'd landed herself in. But she had so many doubts. In herself. In him.
"I'm scared..." Aviva whispered, strained and quiet.
"Of what?"
"Pain? Heartbreak? Looking like an emotional cow on television, though I'm pretty sure I've done that already." Aviva slumped down, body caving forward, "I mean, what if he's just playing the game? What if it doesn't work out? I don't think I can handle it..."
"Aviva, why did you come on this show?" Saoirse asked.
Aviva thought briefly. "To move on from Suresh. And maybe make some money...?"
"Right. Okay, I'm going to throw something out there that you might not like, but hear me out first, alright?"
"...Alright..." Aviva said warily.
Saoirse linked her fingers together, resting them beneath her chin, "In the time I've known you so far, you've constantly talked about being afraid. About finding it hard to trust others. I know you want to move on from Suresh, but do you think that maybe one of the reasons why you can't seem to move forward is because you're still stuck in the past?"
"Well, I wouldn't be if you all didn't let him on the show, would I?" Aviva scoffed.
"No, no, that's not what I meant. You said that after you learned about the cheating, you never heard from Suresh. He left you without any further explanation, and you had to fill in the gaps yourself."
When Aviva threw Suresh out of her flat that night, she wanted nothing to do with him. It wasn't until she'd eaten an entire pint of ice cream and finished another box of tissues that she started obsessively checking her phone. When she heard nothing, she figured he just didn't care about her as much as she did him.
"What's your point?"
"My point is that you've not received closure. It wasn't the cleanest break, and I'm sure you've spent a lot of time wondering what happened. And now that you're here with him again, it's all come flooding back, and you're trying to pretend you're fine. But Aviva, it's okay not to be fine. You deserve to officially close out that last door."
Aviva chewed her lip, picking at non-existent fuzz on her shorts. Saoirse rolled her eyes and moved to sit beside her on the wicker chair. A cozy fit but a surprisingly welcome one. The redhead continued, "You're also coloring every person you meet with the same brush. Finn is not Suresh. Yes, he's made some questionable choices within the last few weeks. And he really needs to sort out his priorities. And I'm pretty sure he—"
"Okay, okay!" Aviva shook her head dismissively, "So I need to talk to Suresh instead of Finn, then?" she questioned.
"I think it'll be good for you, and you don't even have to forgive him. Though you should still talk to Finn at some point. This lack of communication is driving your shippers insane."
"At least someone's rooting for us..." Aviva mumbled.
"The fan edits are mental," Saoirse nudged the girl beside her, "Hey, you're a tough girl, and you're going to figure it out, alright?"
Aviva smiled slightly, nudging her back, "I can't believe you just therapized me."
Saoirse chuckled wryly, "I should start charging by the hour."
The two women chatted for a little longer before it was time for them both to leave. Overwhelmed with emotion, Aviva spun on her heels and threw her arms around Saoirse. The producer froze, body stiff as she took a moment to process what had just happened. It didn't take her long to return the gesture, wrapping her arms around Aviva's back and giving her a gentle squeeze.
"Thank you." Aviva whispered against the woman's shoulder, "This show would be absolutely, fucking bleak without you."
"Glad I could help..." They stepped away from one another before Saoirse spoke again, "You know, you're not so bad for a contestant."
Aviva laughed, "And you're not so bad for a producer."
Aviva thought that if there was one bright spot that shined through her experience so far, she was glad it was finding a friend in Saoirse.
"Looks like your life-changing starts now." Saoirse motioned with her chin toward the garden. Aviva turned her head to see Suresh taking up residence on one of the daybeds, likely seeking shelter from the sweltering heat.
Aviva's cheeks ballooned as she blew out a sharp breath of air, "Alright. Let's get some closure."
_____________________________
The bedroom greeted the two islanders with a blast of refreshingly cool air. Aviva sat down on her bed, flicking her hair over her shoulders. She chewed the inside of her cheek as Suresh closed the door and followed behind her.
He sat on the bed across from her, posture as lax as ever. "I'm really glad you came to me. I've actually been thinking of you a lot; I just didn't think you wanted me around anymore."
I don't.
"Yeah, well, I think there are some things we need to talk about." Aviva pulled her legs up under her and shifted, trying to find some comfort in the awkward quiet that fell over them, "It's not really something I like to think about but, that night—when everything ended—what happened?"
Suresh brushed an onyx lock of hair from his forehead, "You mean when you left me in my pants on the street?" He asked pettily.
Aviva stared at him blankly. It seemed like a fitting response at the time.
He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment to collect his thoughts, "I called for an uber. Lots of catcalling and all that while I was waiting. Not that I blamed them or anything." He added the last bit with a cocky flash of his teeth, "Anyway, I got home, and I just drank all the lager in my fridge. It was pretty grim."
"Why didn't you ever call? Or text? Or come by? You just...disappeared..."
Suresh's fingers clenched the bed sheets, "You threw me out, Aviva! You were pretty fucking clear about wanting to be alone." He sighed, his calm demeanor crumbling by the second, "When things ended between us, I didn't know what to do with myself. It's not like I didn't want to call or see you. I just didn't know how to. And I never could understand how you could end everything so easily. I know I cheated and that...that I fucked up. But I thought we were stronger, and maybe we could've—"
Indignation welled inside her, "How I ended everything? You thought we were stronger? You broke my trust and my heart, Suresh! What was I supposed to do?"
Suresh flung his hands out in front of him, shock and frustration evident as he sputtered out a response, "B-but you made it so final! One mistake, Aviva! I made one mistake, and you just—you just—"
"You were slipping away from me!" Aviva shouted back to break his tirade. Suresh froze, hackles lowering at the sound of her voice. She took a breath and looked down, playing with the pads of her fingers, "...I didn't know how to keep you. I thought, maybe it's me? Maybe I'm the problem...and then...then you..." Tears pooled in the corner of her eyes. She thought she was over this. "We weren't strong enough, Suresh. Things were breaking long before and we were just biding our time..." Suresh leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, head hanging low.
"You never apologized." She whispered. Suresh looked up at that, face contorting in shame. "When I asked you what happened. You never apologized." Aviva quickly swiped away a fallen tear. "'She's just some girl', 'we were drunk', 'it didn't mean anything'." She sniffled loudly before continuing, "You were so selfish; you couldn't take responsibility for what you did. To this day, you can't even own your shit."
Aviva dabbed her wet eyes with her wrist, "I know I didn't listen. I didn't let you share your side of things, and for that, I am sorry. I guess I was so afraid of the truth that I couldn't bear being around you."
"Aviva..." Suresh slowly moved to sit beside her.
"It wasn't even about her. It was about me...and what I thought I didn't do. But I was so caught up in my own story of a future together that I didn't even realize you weren't reading the same book." She laughed bitterly as tears continued to fall down her cheeks.
It had been a while since Suresh held her hand sincerely. His palm was soft and tender as he cradled her delicate fingers in his. "Aviva...it was never anything you did. I'd never been in a serious relationship before, and everything between us happened so fast. At some point, it felt like too much for me. I freaked out...I took it out on you and...I made some horrible, horrible mistakes."
Aviva wiped her face again, catching more tears on her dampened sleeve, "We were fighting loads. It was like something switched in your brain..."
"Nothing changed. I knew deep down I still wanted those things. But we had that fight, and I drank and drank and drank thinking it would make me feel better. And then, well, you know what happened next..."
"But if you wanted the same things, why? Why did you sleep with her? Why did you have to flirt with her?"
Suresh buried his head in his hands, "I wish I could say I knew why...I really do. But I don't. I just know that night, I was feeling sorry for myself, and she was just there."
Aviva's eyes burned as a fresh batch of hot tears pooled in their corners. For so long, she agonized over the reasons why she'd forced him into another woman's bed. But there wasn't really a reason other than his immaturity and lack of commitment. So why did she still feel like shit?
"So you couldn't stand being around me so much that you just...did it?" Aviva's voice sounded thin and weary as tears spilled over her cheeks.
"It wasn't you. It was me. I know that sounds cliché and twat-ish, but I swear. I was pissed at myself for not being where you needed me to be. I thought I needed to be away from you and clear my head, and I just wound up making it worse. You did nothing wrong, Aviva. The only thing you did was love me, and I'm the one that was too afraid to deserve it. I ruined it, and I hurt you. I really, really hurt you. I'm sorry I was scared. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry..." He squeezed her hand tightly, "I know a million apologies will never take back the things I did, and I know you're still hurting, but I'm not afraid anymore."
Aviva pulled her hand from his grasp, shaking her head, "Suresh, no. No."
Suresh turned to face her fully, appealing to her further, "I had so much time to realize where I went wrong and I just want another chance to show you how much I do care about you. How much I still love you..."
It was far too late. Hearing him explain his side of things, allowing herself to speak her feelings to him aloud, proved to be as cathartic as Saoirse promised. It still hurt to think that their love was over, but it only meant that Aviva could finally start something new. No more thinking about what she did or didn't do. No more wondering why. This was officially the end of their story.
"I loved you; maybe a part of me always will, but it's time now for both of us to really move on...and if you love me like you say you do...then you'll let me go..."
Suresh's eyes were rimmed with tears, "One more chance, Aviva...please?"
Aviva placed a gentle hand on the curve of his cheek, staring into his watery eyes. "No more chances. No more flirting. We're finished. Let's be happy now, okay?"
Suresh leaned into her touch, eyes fanning closed. He pressed his forehead against hers. This is what a real goodbye felt like. And it hurt almost as much as it did the first time. "...I love you so much..."
"I know." Aviva answered.
"Wooo!!! Party time in thirty minut—ooooooh? What's going on in here, then?" The two exes separated abruptly at the sound of Kat's voice. Aviva scrubbed away the evidence of the previous conversation from her face with the back of her hands. "Declarations of love? Touching and sitting all close? Color me intrigued. I wonder what Alfie and Arlo will think about all this..." She tapped a manicured fingernail against her chin.
Aviva jumped off the bed, "Kat, it's not what it looks like. We were just having a chat."
Suresh remained silent, trying to covertly brush away a few fallen tears.
"Hmm...you two seemed very cozy. Pretty sure it looked exactly like I was thinking." Kat shrugged nonchalantly before sauntering out of the room. Aviva spared one final look at Suresh before dashing out the door after the nosy islander.
"Kat! Kat, wait!"
This was going to be bad. Really bad.