Renjun moans into the kiss, smiling against Winwins lips. He loves kissing, but he anticipates the next steps even more. His happiness increases when Winwin pulls away. Then one second, two seconds, ten seconds and his lips never come.
Confusion takes over his face when he realizes that Winwin is now sitting up on the edge of the bed. He sits up too and reaches for the males back, only for Winwin to tense and move away. It's only a tiny movement, but it's so much considering the mood.
"What's wrong?"
"I don't want to do this anymore."
Questions after questions run through the smaller boys mind, all begging to be voiced but he settles on just one. "Why?"
Winwin sighs deeply, shoulders letting out a little shake as they slump down, showing Renjun just how heavily whatever's going on is weighing on him.
He finally looks at Renjun. "What am I to you?"
"What?"
"What am I to you? What are we?"
Renjun blinks, wondering where the male is going with this. "We're...we're best friends and we-we kiss and stuff. I thought you were okay with this. I wouldn't have let this keep going if I'd known you didn't like it."
"That's the thing", Winwin says, hating himself for what he's about to say. "I was okay with it. Or I tried to be. I just wanted you." Renjun stares at him, still not quite understanding. "Renjun, I don't want anybody else to be like this with you. I don't want anybody else to kiss you or touch you like I do. And I don't want you...to love anybody else. To fall in love with anyone else. I want you to fall in love with me."
Like a lightbulb, everything seems to click in Renjuns brain, shock taking over his features as he thinks about what's happening right now. What he knows is going to happen. Before he can help it, a tear escapes his eye. And then another and another.
He wipes them away, trying to keep control of himself. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
It breaks Winwins heart seeing the boy he loves crying and there's nothing more he wants to do than wrap Renjun in his arms and tell him it's okay but he's been ignoring his own feelings for too long. He's hurting too.
"I know you didn't know. Even Haechan said you're kind of an airhead."
"That idiot", Renjun says with a humorless laugh. But his lips quiver as he thinks about what's to come. "Are you gonna go away?"
Winwin lets out another sigh, rubbing his hand through his already messy hair, making it even worse, which, in Renjuns opinion, just makes him look hotter.
He doesn't have time to focus on that though as Winwin responds, "I don't want to. It seems impossible for me to stay away from you. Even if I wasn't in love with you, I still wouldn't want to stay away." Renjun cries even more at the direct admittance of Winwin being in love but Winwin isn't looking at him so he doesn't notice and continues. "I don't know what to do. I know this has to stop. I honestly shouldn't have let it happen in the first place but I did and that's on me. I'm not gonna leave but I think I need distance. For myself and you as well. You should be able to be with other people and date and kiss and fall in love without thinking about me. And I, as your best friend, want to support you. I still would be but I can't do much right now. Not when I'm still wishing the person you choose will be me."
"I don't deserve you." Winwin doesn't have a chance to respond before Renjun lunges at him and wraps his arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. It takes Winwin a moment to figure out what to do but he can't ignore the soft cries from Renjun or the fact he loves him. He wraps his arms around him and holds him right, savoring it before he won't be able to hug him like this again.
➳
Renjun sniffles before speaking. "Lele."
"Renjun, what's wrong?"
"I messed up. I barely even understand it but I know that I did. Why do I keep fucking up everything?"
"Are you in your apartment?"
Renjun sniffles again. "Yeah."
"Okay, I'm coming. Want me to bring anything or come straight to you?"
Renjun manages to giggle but just barely to say, "Since when do you do anything straight?"
"Good point but really?"
"I think I have ice cream. Yeah, I just need you and cuddles. Okay, maybe a box of tissues."
Chenle rushes to hall closet and plucks a brand new box of tissues right off the shelf. "Got tissues."
"Already?"
"Jisung cries during both sad and wholesome movies." It's not the complete reason but it is the truth.
"Oh. Wouldn't guess that of him."
"He's a bigger softie than he lets on." Chenle is about to continue on about his boyfriend before realizing that now is not the best time and snaps back to the point. "Anyways, I'm on my way. If you're hungry, order food or you can wait until I get there."
"Either way, I'm ordering a bucket of fried chicken and I'm not sharing."
"Yes, I'm aware. I'm coming, okay? I love you."
"I love you too", Renjun mumbles and mutters a small "bye" and hangs up.
Chenle drives as fast as he can while obeying all the driving laws. It's frustrating whenever a light is red but it doesn't take that long.
It takes a minute for Renjun to answer the door. Chenle only sees his flushed face for a second before the boy is hugging him, face presses against his chest as he cries.
"Oh, honey." The pinkette walks them further inside and shuts the door. He waits until they're sitting down, Renjun practically in his lap and asks, "What happened?"
Renjun sniffles as he pulls away, just wanting to know one thing. "Did you know that Winwin is in love with me?"
Haechan, Jaehyun, Kun
Winwin
Please tell me one of you is
available
And not in a terrible mental
state, I don't wanna make it
worse
Kun
What happened?
Jaehyun
I'm here too
Haechan
Me too
Winwin
I confessed to Renjun
I had to end our fwb thing
It wasn't a blow up but he did
start crying and I actually
struggled a lot to put myself first
and not tell him it was okay
I said I needed some distance
from him so I'm able to just be
a supportive best friend
I hate knowing he's hurting too
And I still selfishly and stupidly
have hope that he might realize
he feels the same way but I
it's not going to happen
Haechan
Oh God
Kun
Haechan???
Is everything okay???
Haechan
I'm just realizing how much
Jaemin probably understands
Winwin
He went through the same
thing with me
He's still kinda going through
the same thing, just differently
Jaehyun
Shit
Kun
Okay um Winwin, would you
like us to come to you?
And is all of us okay or just one
person?
Winwin
You guys can come to me
I don't really care how many
people I'm around
Kun
Noted
Now we can discuss this when
we get there but if you wanna
tell us now, what do you want
us to do when we get there?
Haechan
What would keep you
comfortable?
Winwin
I don't normally say this but I
really think that right now I
need a hug
Kun
We're coming to do exactly
that
We'll be right there
Winwin
Okay
➳
Jaemin takes a deep breath before sending the text.
Mom, Dad
Jaemin
I'm gonna talk to Grandma and
Grandpa today
His parents respond right away, making Jaemin wanna laugh as the lengths they're going to, to get back on his good side.
Mom
Okay we love you
Dad
We love you
Jaemin
I love you too but loving you
doesn't make me any less hurt
and upset with you
Mom
We know
Dad
We understand
Let us know if you need
anything
Jaemin leaves his parents on read, not wanting to take anymore time trying to communicate with them when he needs the energy to deal with something even worse.
He gets out of his car and walks up the familiar porch, absolutely despising all the memories that come to him upon seeing the house and even more, the people in it. He takes another breath and knocks on the door.
"Who is it?" His grandpa calls.
"It's me, Jaemin", he answers.
"Is that Jaemin?" He hears his grandma ask.
His grandpa responds to her right before swinging open the front door and breaking out into a smile.
"Jaemin!" He holds his arms out and slowly moves towards the boy. If he notices how loosely Jaemin hugs him, he pretends he doesn't notice and ushers him in. "Sit, sit, we were just about to have lunch."
"Oh, uh..." His protest dies in his throat as grandpa eagerly seats him at the table and sits down next to him at the head of the table.
"You're just in luck", his grandma says, smiling. "I'm making your favorite."
"Oh", Jaemin says again, smiling awkwardly.
"I know your mom makes it good but she did it learn it from the best." Jaemin doesn't even try responding, just watching his grandma plate the food and bring it to the table, along with silverware, one by one. "Oh, Jaemin, would you please pour the drinks?"
"Sure."
Within five minutes, Jaemin already finds himself way off-track and extremely confused at the attitude his grandparents are showing him.
"So, how ya been?" His grandpa asks, looking so happy Jaemin almost doesn't wanna answer.
"Actually, this is what I wanted to talk to you about and why I even came over here."
"Oh, right", his grandma speaks up. "That little fiasco from last time. Look, why don't we just put this behind us and you can make it up to us at the next party, hm?"
Jaemin shakes his head, having more strength to do that than say a word. But he manages to tell her, "No."
Like a record has been scratched, both adults stop what they're doing and look up at him, completely appalled. If Jaemin wasn't so nervous, he'd laugh.
"What?"
"I said no, Grandma. I didn't come here to make it up to you and forget about you what you did."
The womans mouth falls open. "What I did?" She looks at her husband. "Honey, will you tell me what I did?"
"Wait", Jaemin says. "I'm not done. Grandma, all my life, you've treated me like simply being a human would make me people hate me. That fear you instilled me made me be afraid of normal emotions and I've always felt the need to bend over backwards for others and do absolutely nothing for myself. I understand that you wanted me to grow up polite and have manners so people would like me and respect me but teaching me to be a doormat is not having people respect. You don't respect me. I did not mean for what happened on New Years to happen but it did and I'm not sorry."
"Jaemin!"
"All Jisung has ever done is try to get you both to respect me and not have me be afraid of people just thinking about me. Jisung has lost patience with you, and rightfully so. You both have never been nice to him and you clearly only tolerate him even when he used to speak to you much kinder. I have talked to my parents about you, especially you, Grandma and I think in the ten years or so, she's only spoken to you once. When I became an adult, I told my parents that I only want to see you once a year because of how you treat me and I told them that I will not show up if I don't have someone else with me. I'm not sure whether it's because my mom is used to you or they genuinely don't know, but my parents never seemed to understand the problem. That's why I blew up that day. And that blow up was long overdue. I love you both but if nothing ever changes with you two, I am limiting how much contact you have with me even more."
"Are you threatening us?"
"No, Grandma, this is called setting a boundary and telling you what will happen if you cross it."
"I don't like the way you're speaking to us."
Jaemin sighs. "I very much hate to say this, especially the way I'm about to, but sadly it is not my problem whether or not you choose to believe I am threatening you after already explaining what's actually going on. I'm going to be honest, I really don't like having this conversation and it's actually very hard for me but I'd like you to understand that I don't like how you treat me and I want a change."
"Jaemin, you know I'm not as bad as her", his grandpa says.
"Not doing anything makes you just as bad. You both equally lack respect for my best friend and feel you're entitled to it no mather how you act and whether it's you or Grandma, someone here is treating me a way I don't like and nothing is happening about it."
"Then what would you like us to do?"
"He doesn't want us to say anything to him anymore", his grandma says gloomily.
"Grandma-", Jaemin stops. "This is exactly one of the things I'm talking about. You're guilt-tripping me to get me to do what you want. And you always try to convince me you're being helpful and doing things for my own good, even when it's harmful to me. You confused me and I didn't know what to do because that's how manipulation works."
"We are not manipulating you!"
"You made me think my reality wasn't happening, that you weren't hurting me and that I was the one who didn't understand what was happening. You always said I misunderstood and I believed you 'cause I was ten!" Jaemin cries. "But you lied to me and tried to take back the things you said. I was a kid, I only knew to obey and not question you, even when I should have. Even now, you're gonna deny all this and tell me I'm making a big deal out of nothing." Jaemin takes another breath, trying to keep himself from breaking down right then and there. "I know you think I owe you an apology, but I don't. And I know other people think that and I have other people who know that. You owe me an apology. If you don't want to do that, then fine. But not admitting your wrongdoing and not taking responsibility for it is only going to hurt you. I'm tired of letting it hurt me."
Jaemins grandma gets up from the table. "I need to go lay down."
Anxiety fills Jaemin as he watches his grandpa, unhappily anticipating his disappearance as well.
The man sighs. "You couldn't have let us eat first?" Jaemin opens his mouth but his grandpa keeps talking. "I suppose it was too important. How about this? When you leave here, I'll talk to your grandma and see what she says. I'd like you come back here, Jaemin. We wanna keep seeing you but I know you don't wanna do that if we keep doing things to upset you...And your friends. Give us a chance to fix it and if we don't, then you can do whatever you want. You've always been able to do whatever you want but I'm sorry we convinced you that only had limited choices. You live for you, Jaemin. You don't live for me or your grandma or your parents or anybody else. I'm sorry it took so long for you to realize this so now that you do know, I hope you start."
Jaemin nods. "I'm sorry I ruined lunch."
Jaemins grandpa gives him a look. "You always apologize, don't ya?"
"Kind of."
"Then here's another piece of advice you already seemed to start on, stop being sorry."
➳
"Is Lele back?"
"Yes. He told me to tell you hi 'cause he's showering and then wanted to unpack. He might come in here later."
"I hope he does. I wanna see him."
"He probably wants to see you too", Jisung replies.
"Oh, Jisung, what did you and Mark do the other day? We still wanted to talk to you."
"I don't think he wanted to talk to us", Jiho mutters, loud enough for everyone else to hear.
Jisung rolls his eyes. "Of course you wanna make me the problem."
"Both of you, stop. Seriously Jisung, why'd you leave?"
Jisung could lie but he honestly doesn't give a shit anymore. He feels ready to confront his family. "'Cause I wanted to."
"See?" Jiho exclaims.
"Shut up, asshole."
"Jisung!" The male rolls his eyes again. "I'm not sure why you're being so rude-"
"Seriously?"
"Seriously! What is your problem?"
"Jisung", his dad speaks up. "If there's something we need to talk about, just say it."
"That's the problem! You never talk!"
"What?"
"Do you know what January eighteenth is?"
"What is that?"
Jisung's trying to play it cool but everything he's feeling comes rushing out at the realization that his family really doesn't remember.
"Mom, Dad", Jiho says. "That-that day. Where he was holding..."
Mias eyes widen in realization. "You mean that, Jisung?
"Yes!" He exclaims, getting more and more emotional. "Why'd you never talk about it? You never talk about anything!"
"I-I didn't think we needed to." Jisungs dad nods in agreement. "We took you to a therapist to talk about it there. I thought that was supposed to help you."
"It didn't. Nothing can fix people who don't love you."
"Jisung, what are you talking about?"
Andrew nudges his wife. "Maybe he's having a bad day."
"It's more than just a bad day!" He cries. "Why do you think that day even happened? And you didn't even say you love me. Neither of you did. You know what you did?" They stay quiet. "You made me apologize to Jiho and when he was still upset and scared of me, you let it be. You told me I shouldn't have done that. Did you ever even think about why the fuck I did that in the first place?"
"We know you were going through a hard time-"
"No, you don't." Jisung is full on crying now. "You don't know 'cause you didn't care to pay attention to me. You let Jiho do whatever he wanted. As long as he's happy, right? But he was hurting me! You all were. Nothing was valid if it wasn't Jihos feelings or your own. Who the fuck cares about my feelings, right? And the fucking stress and anxiety? It's not real. I was just being dramatic, right? You didn't even take me seriously until I threatened Jiho. And it wasn't about him! Do you understand that? It wasn't about him. It was about me. But you never let anything be about me."
"That's not true."
"I'm not stupid! I know when you're lying."
"Jisung, isn't one of the things...twisting things to make it worse than they are?"
Jisungs mouth falls open in disbelief. And then he yells, "IT'S THE TRUTH!"
The door bursts open and in comes a very angry Chenle. He places an arm around Jisung and flips off his family right before hanging up.
"Ji..."
Jisung turns his chest, clutching the fabric of his boyfriends shirt so tight his fists start to hurt. But he can't let go.
Chenle keeps quiet as he wraps his arms around Jisung as he leads him to the bed and slowly works them into a laying position and pulls the blanket over them, never letting go of Jisung.
"Lele..."
"Yes, my beautiful boy?"
"I want to smile at that but I don't feel like smiling."
Chenle kisses his forehead. "It's okay."
"I want Haechan and Jaemin but they're at work."
"I'll let them to know to come when they're done. Can you wait for them to finish?"
Jisung sniffles and nods, moving even closer to the male.
➳
Haechan hangs up the phone and goes to his manager. "I'm so sorry but I have a family emergency and need to leave right now."
"I'm sorry, is your family okay?"
"Right now, no."
His manager nods. "Okay, go take care of them. I hope they get better."
I hope they do too
Haechan smiles. "I will, thank you."
When Haechan arrives at Jisung and Chenles apartment, he sees Jaemins car is already there, which doesn't surprise him. He hurries to the door and immediate gets let in by Chenle. He goes to their room and finds Jaemin and Jisung with their foreheads pressed together, occasion rubbing their noses together while Jaemin quietly talks to him.
Silently, he joins them, on the other side of Jisung and holds onto his best friend arm, letting him know he's there.
"Lele", Jisung calls out to the male standing in the doorway.
"Hm?"
"Come here."
Jisung gets up and gestures for the pinkette to lay in between Jaemin and Haechan. Chenle gets confused until Jisung crawls up to lay on him, tucking his face into his chest. Above his arms, Chenle can feel Jaemin and Haechans as they hold onto his boyfriend, trying to give him as much support as possible.
All of them wish to erase Jisungs pain, but if they can't stop the things in his mind, they can at least deal with it with him.
Um okay so....maybe it's a little worse than I thought
But to be fair, I wrote last chapters author note before thinking of adding the Jisung part so I wasn't technically lying....
Are you okay?
A
nd question:
Does anybody else struggle with even simple/minimal tasks? I had four days and two hours to do one page of homework but it felt so overwhelming. And it's not that I don't have time, I do (I procrastinate but I still have time) but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Like it's not just me not wanting to do it (I mean I don't but), it's like it's so much and I'm not motivated to complete any of it
And that's me with dishes too. That's like my main chore but it's literally so hard to get myself to do it and one day, last month I didn't do it because it felt too overwhelming. It's all I had to do that day but it felt like too much, it felt I had 100 other things to do with it even though it was just the one.
It takes so much mental strength which u never even have. Me and laziness are very close friends and my family knows that but sometimes it's not just laziness and nobody understands that
I hope you're not struggling but if you are, I'm here for you and will provide you with extra love if you're not showing it to yourself
I love you
Not proofread❤️