Featured Lyrics:
(this is one of my all time favourite songs)
Waiting down at the station
I don't remember
I think it was late then
Standing, always so quiet
We're like elevators
Filled up with strangers
No sound, no Hallelujahs
Still I was praying on the train ride home
If I can't get the things I want
If I can't get the things I want
Just give me what I need
Our words fill up the pages
Fill up the days with songs for the ages
Still those vows that we all speak
We break them like concrete and just make our words cheap
I want someone to grow with
Songs I can sing to and a family to cling to
But if I can't get the things I want
If I can't get the things I want
Just give me what I need
Just give me what I need
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
Chapter 18 & 19 - Double Update!
Fifteen Years Ago
Eren rested on the hip of his mother as they stood and watched the passengers board the large boat on the dock. It was going to be another long while before Eren would see his father again. It had gotten to the point where the occasional three-week visit back home was stranger than the regularly occurring three-week work trip. Eren barely knew the man, but there was always a piece of him that would wither away whenever they said goodbye.
Zeke stood next to Eren's mother with his arms crossed and a deep furrow etched in his forehead. Eren knew that his brother had gone through this same scene many more times than he had. It seemed like it never got easier. The small family never left the railing until the boat was too small on the other side of the horizon.
Eren realized that his mother stopped crying the more times she said goodbye. He also realized that they stopped when Zeke started to live with them.
"Well boys," she sighed, turning away from the docks to face her sons. "We still have enough time to get some food or go to the beach before our scheduled train ride home."
"Beach! Beach!" Eren cheered, reaching his small hands back to where he saw his father disappear. "Beach with brother!"
Zeke had been going through some growing pains upon moving to Paradis to live with his dad's second wife and son when his mother passed away. Why did he have to leave his home only to have his father dump him behind? He would have been happy staying with the neighbours, at least that old man would play baseball with him.
The insistent whining of the toddler next to him was bothering his ears. "EUGH! Shut up! I'm not your full brother. I'm your half-brother."
"Zeke, don't talk that way," their mother gently scolded. "We're still a family." She resisted the urge to steal her own boat and chase down her husband herself. "Let's go to the beach. It's still warm enough outside." Knowing that the last thing a teenage boy would want is to be seen holding his stepmother's hand, she still reached out for him anyways. To her surprise, he took it, albeit just by the fingertips.
It was only enough time for the small family to walk a few steps back and forth across the beach. Carla let her youngest son run ahead by just a few steps, as he enjoyed himself picking up shells and pieces of sand. Zeke trailed behind them, his hands deep in his pockets.
"You know," she began, addressing the other son but still looking ahead. At the sound of his mother's voice, Eren looked up from his collection and ran back to her to hug her legs. "Sometimes we're just like elevators."
"Huh, what is that supposed to mean," Zeke scoffed, kicking the sand below him.
She was stopped now, fully turning to face him. "People come and go in our lives. Sometimes they're strangers, sometimes they're the people we love the most. Sometimes they're people that we want, sometimes they're people we need."
Zeke stood there pouting, not fully understanding the weight of her words. "Why would I let the people I like leave? It only hurts."
Carla smiled and picked up Eren, resting him on her hip. She took a few steps closer to the older son and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. She knew that this was a comfortable boundary for her to touch him. Whenever Zeke was ready for more, she made sure he knew to let her know.
"It's the same reason why we open up our walls and let people come inside in the first place. Just like elevators, every floor is a change in our lives. Change can be hard on the heart. It's thanks to those changes in people that teach us how to deal with being hurt and how to heal.
Carla let a moment pass by, leaving the words she said for just a moment to percolate in both sons' young minds. "Alright let's get to the station-" She felt her breath cut off from her chest as the young man who was already growing taller than she was wrapped his arms around her and his baby brother.
Eren couldn't remember the exact words his mother said, but the feeling of the sand, the water, and the setting sun were lodged in his mind. Above all, he could remember how it felt to love and be loved by the first people he let in and out of his heart.
Present Day
You could still feel your hands trembling as you sat next to Eren, looking out into the vast ocean whilst you shoved a sandwich into your mouth. You didn't feel nervous, you just felt surprised at his not-so-subtle actions.
"We should go for a walk," Eren said suddenly, already helping with the cleanup. "We have a bit of time before we should head back home for my mom's party."
You nodded, assisting him with reloading the bag of any leftovers and containers and piling the trash in a neat pile to be disposed of soon. It was just past noon, and many of the beachgoers were coming back to the shorefront to enjoy the rest of the warm day. You were thankful that your day started early, as to avoid the rush.
The walk by Eren's side was nearly silent, save for typical noise pollution. You couldn't bring yourself to say what you wanted every time his hand would brush against the back of yours. You couldn't help to steal glances at his introspective face, only to find him already looking your way. You couldn't help but want him in a new way you'd only just accepted. Whether or not you needed him in that way, you were still unsure.
When you reached the end of the beach, there were steps that led up to the boardwalk that connected to the large boat docking area. There were some private boats sprinkled around, but the main view was a large ferry. Passengers were getting ready to depart, lining up under a sign that read "EXPRESS FERRY TO MARLEY".
It was your first time making the connection that in just five months, summer would end and you would be one of those passengers.
"Eren!" you said excitedly, tugging on his arm. "I've never actually seen what the ferries to Marley look like. They're huge!"
The man next to you wasn't as thrilled. "Yeah, I guess they are. They look smaller when you're further away."
"I'm already so nervous to get on one." You were walking towards a set of stairs that left the beach onto the boardwalk. "I've never been on a boat like that before."
"Is that what you want?" Eren asked, not following you.
You stopped mid-step, scared of the tone he used for his question. "What do you mean?" you asked, genuinely curious like you didn't have an answer for him just yet.
"I'm asking if that-" he repeats, extending a finger towards the docks. "-is what you want. To leave, to follow your dream."
"Um, yeah...it is what I want," you answered, your voice growing quieter. It was nearly instinctual, that had always been your answer.
Eren continued, "Is it what you need?"
You furrowed your eyebrows at him. "Is that not the same thing?"
He sighed and shook his head. When he raised his eyes, you noticed he looked past you again. "Not always."
Ten Years Ago
Eren watched Zeke hug his mother so tightly, he thought she would break right then and there. The older of the two brothers had grown much taller now, beginning his life as a young man. He had luggage full of everything a new university student moving into the dorms would need.
When Zeke finally released, Carla caressed the sides of his hair down. "Now, do you have everything? Your ticket? Your passport?"
"Yes, yes, Carla. Dad said he'll pick me up on the other side."
"Very good. You tell that father of yours to call every once in a while. And the same goes for you, don't forget!"
"I promise! Now, I have to go, the ferry is gonna leave!" Zeke bent down, putting the extra bags he held on the ground, and squared up his eyes with his younger brother. "Don't look so upset, Eren. You've gotta take care of Mom, okay?"
Eren had a deep scowl on his face, one so deep that an eight-year-old would already be at risk to develop wrinkles. "Dad promised he would call but he never does."
Zeke's eyes softened at the sight of the tears welling up in his younger brother's eyes. Before any could spill out, he pulled Eren in close and gave him a lasting hug. It was cut just a second too soon as the horn blared out, signalling the last call.
"Okay, now I really have to go!" Zeke quickly picked up all his belongings and began to sprint down the boardwalk. The even smaller family didn't travel as far down towards the dock as to not stress Carla's health further than necessary. With one last turnaround, Zeke called out, "Bye Carla, bye Eren!"
They couldn't wait as long to watch the ferry disappear since the ocean air was getting rapidly cold but they stayed long enough to see the sunset. The big boat didn't seem as scary if you stayed further away. Eren wanted to drape his sweater around his mother's shoulders as his older brother would, but he knew he was still too small.
The mother and son sat on the station bench and waited for the earliest train to return them home.
Eren hugged his knees, brows still furrowed and heart still unsettled.
"Do you miss him already?"
"No."
Carla laughed at his curt answer and wrapped a loving arm around him. She felt the warmth of her son as he snuggled close to her.
It wasn't long until Eren muttered, "He's never gonna call. He's just like Dad."
"Well, sometimes people use their words to protect themselves," Carla explained. "They say what they don't mean."
"That's stupid."
"There are also people like you-" she continues, tapping a gentle finger on the button of his red nose. "-who use their words to protect others. You're just like me."
Eren couldn't help but smile. In his eyes, there was no better person to compare himself to.
"But-" she said, her voice a little more serious, "-when we protect others, we might forget to protect ourselves."
Eren's smile faded. Even in his childlike mind, he could recognize parts of himself that he gave away too easily. "What can I do then? How do I protect others and myself?"
Carla sighed, already seeing the burden her young son placed upon himself. "You remember that there is a difference between the things you want, and the things you need. If you can remember that, then hopefully you can keep your head on straight." When Carla looked down, she could see the gears turning in Eren's mind. "If that's too much, then you can remember the most important thing in life is both"
Eren took a second to think of an example. The first that came to mind were toys or VHS tapes or being with his friends. "Tell me what I'm allowed to want and need, Mom."
Carla placed a hand on the back of the boy's head and hugged him again, "It's love, Eren."
Present Day
The atmosphere had soured ever-so-slightly, and you regretted bringing up the topic of moving away. The conversation never ended pleasantly, always resulting in an uncomfortable crawl back to normalcy. You were thankful that it was just time to head back home to the family party that awaited the two of you. A change in topic couldn't come sooner enough.
The walk back was nearly dead silent, even the sounds of your footsteps seemed too loud. It was only a few long minutes before the train arrived and in silence, you both sat in your seats. Your knuckles were white as you gripped the fabric near your thighs, desperately wanting to fix the atmosphere between the two of you.
"What is it that you want, Eren?" you asked after a few minutes of steady train travel. You turned to look at him and continued. "You asked me what I want, so now it's your turn. What do you want? From me? For yourself?" you asked, almost in an unfair way. If the roles were reversed, you weren't sure what your answer would be. The question was so open-ended that there was never going to be a right answer. You hung your head, feeling tired from what felt like months or years of uncertainty. "It's your birthday, after all, maybe I can grant you a wish.
Eren took a long time to answer, you weren't sure if it was because he had a hard time thinking of a response, or if it was because he was filtering his thoughts. Admittedly, it had been a while since you asked Eren about his goals or what his plans were. Things were always changing.
"If you don't have one that's-"
"I have lots of things I want actually," he suddenly said. He didn't look at you as he spoke. "I want to grow into a better person, maybe someone to grow with. I want to feel so happy that I'm not embarrassed to sing. I want a family to know they can rely on me and that I'll have them to cling onto." Eren stopped for a moment, letting his thoughts drift away. "I dunno, it's all pretty words. They don't mean anything."
You could only respond by softening your eyes and feeling your heart latch onto those pretty words he said. He didn't have to say the words outright, but you could feel the loneliness lacing his breath. There were times you could tell he held his words back. It was a strategy that worked to protect him and to protect those around him. As time went on, the line between those two blurred into complacency. That upset you more than his stubbornness.
Eren looked at you and sighed at the pitiful expression you had painted so clearly. He tried to save face by giving you a sad smile and gently resting his open palm on the top of your head. "You don't have to get me those things for my birthday," he said, half-jokingly. "I already have all the things I need."
You bore into him, not letting his gaze slip away. "Eren...there's nothing wrong with needing the things you want." You took the hand that he had on your head and tickled his palm before lacing your fingers together. "They can be the same thing. You don't have to sacrifice one or the other." Your other hand reached up to cusp his hand, holding it close to your chest. "Especially when that thing is love."
Eren tore his eyes away from yours from the stinging tears that pooled, already overflowing. You only saw his sorrow for a moment before he tilted his head into the crook of your shoulder. You had only seen Eren sob in front of you after very specific incidents. Usually, he would sob when his mother was hospitalized. More often than that, he would sob after a train ride home from the beach.
Five Years Ago
Eren stood on the train station platform where he saw the strangers in medical masks guide his mother's wheelchair towards the ambulance. He was thankful that she was able to stay conscious the whole train ride over. Seeing the same green eyes that he had reflected back at him, reminded him to stay grounded and to stay happy for her sake. By the time the smallest family made it to the beach train station, there was staff already prepared to take her away. All organized by Grisha Jaeger himself. It was the least he could do for his wife. It was going to be two months of the summer in Marley to use their more advanced medical research to better her condition.
There was no one to hug Eren as resisted taking any steps further to follow. It was the same scene, over and over. He recalled the look on Zeke's face when his brother was the age he was now, thirteen, and sending their father away on another work trip. No matter how many times you say goodbye, no matter how far away you stood from the dock, it never got easier.
"Oh, Eren, I don't want to leave...but I need to get better...for you." His mother's voice still resonated in his ears despite the blood rushing away from his extremities and senses. That was right, he couldn't be selfish at a time like this.
It was hard to peel himself off the train station bench. Waiting for him on the other side was the conveniently timed summer camp. His family would have never gotten away with leaving a young teenager alone for two months. At least this way there was some kind of institution to keep an eye on him.
Finding a seat alone on the train, Eren nearly broke his neck as he tried to keep his eyes on the boat. It wasn't long until the tracks whisked him farther away.
Present Day
Eren didn't say another word as his silent sobs eventually turned into deep breathing and eyes that looked tired even when closed. You let him rest on your shoulder, as his hand held a tight grip around yours. Even unconscious, Eren couldn't let you go.
Seeing his vulnerability made your heart patter in your chest, and you hoped it wouldn't wake him. You had no intention of making him emotional with the words you said, but whatever Eren had been holding onto finally manifested in his breakdown. The meditative quality of the train sounds made you realize that you never followed your own advice.
There was only one way to explain the way you felt and there was only one person you had to tell.
Despite the tired aching in your head and chest, you stayed awake to be hypnotized by the speeding scenery. You hadn't realized that you were just staring out the window for the full ride. When the train lurched to a stop at the station, you stood and tried to shake Eren awake. His eyes were puffy, and you wondered if he was crying in his sleep.
He followed you silently into the station platform and you felt like your feet were nailed to the ground. The other passengers and the train itself had already left by the time you could feel your mind and body connect again.
"Eren," you whispered, tugging on the hand that had been glued to you. You could feel that your palms were extremely sweaty, but nonetheless, you didn't let go. You took a deep breath and used your free hand to return his eyes to you. He didn't show one sign of resistance. "There's only one way I can say this for you to understand so I need you to listen up."
You couldn't tell if the shaking was coming from you or from him.
"I want you, Eren. Fuck it, I need you, Eren," you blurted out, not controlling your own sobbing. "I know you said that they're different, but there's no way you can feel one way without the other. I love you so much."
Eren didn't waste a single moment to enrapture you in a hug that you'd never felt before. Most times, you would feel him smother you to the point of near suffocation. In this moment, you felt like you couldn't breathe any easier.
One Day Ago
Eren bolted his feet to the ground and wrapped his arms around you, doing his best to keep you from slipping away. He stood on the train station platform that led from the suburbs to the beach station. There was no sight of any boat. This goodbye would be too hard to muster.
"I want you to stay," he begged you. "I need you to stay."
He could feel your hands pressing against his chest, trying to be free. The last thing he wanted was to clip your wings. It felt like he was moving in slow motion as he opened his arms to let you go.
"Sorry, Eren," you said. The sound of your voice echoed endlessly in his mind, nearly suffocating him with noise. "Those aren't mutually exclusive."
Eren felt like his hands were a thousand pounds, unable to lift them again. "I'm not going to keep you here with me if that's what you want."
In a blink, you had teleported away from him. Out of his reach, you stood at the doorway of the train. "This is what I need. It's time to say goodbye."
Eren watched as the train pulled you away from him, leaving him and his lack of a family in a vortex of a black abyss. Feeling the suffocation of the open space, Eren lunged himself upwards to wake up breathless and sweaty in his bedroom.
He looked around, feeling the bedsheets below him and the solid chest that held him together.
"Thank god that was a dream..." he muttered, rubbing his knuckle against his eyes. Despite the relief of reality, Eren could still feel the absence of you in his arms. He had concluded his dream was telling him it was nearly time to say goodbye again.
It was already late by the time he sat at the family computer, purchased two round-trip train tickets, and dialled your number. You were so quick to answer that he still hadn't caught his breath. When you accepted his invitation, he spent the rest of the night worrying about his clothes and hair and worrying about all the things did and did not want to remember.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
Author's Note:
T_T
I dunno if you agree with me, but this was one of my favourite chapters to write as of recently. The Jaeger family is just so ASDFHJ I really hope you enjoyed the double update!
I really hope you enjoyed these two new chapters! I'm exploring different points of views, let me know what you think! If you need any clarification or want to discuss, please leave a comment! I'm sure there is something confusing that I did lol
Let me just say, I'm really looking forward to the next chapter.
-zel