Featured Lyrics:
Secret heart, what are you made of?
What are you so afraid of?
Could it be three simple words
Or the fear of being overheard?
What's wrong? Let him in on your secret heart
Secret heart, why so mysterious?
Why so sacred, why so serious?
Maybe you're just acting tough
Maybe you're just not man enough
What's wrong? Let him in on your secret heart
This very secret, that you're trying to conceal
Is the very same one that you're dying to reveal
Go tell him how you feel
Secret heart, come out and share it
This loneliness, few can bear it
Could it have something to do with
Admitting that you just can't go through it alone?
Let him in on your secret heart
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
It was the early morning, when you stood in the mirror, brushing down the skirt of a dress that draped close to the ground. Spring break was fully underway and the weather was getting much warmer. The sun rose earlier and the rain fell a little harder. Most of the morning was spent taking too long to debate outfits, hairstyles, and makeup for your morning with Eren for his birthday. You usually wouldn't pay much attention to your appearance around Eren, but you found yourself going over every detail, wondering what he would think.
It had only been a few days since you settled with the restlessness in your heart and the secret you carried with you. Although you had come to terms with falling in love with your best friend, there was a matter of keeping it as tightly to your chest as possible. The running you had done your whole life finally slowed down and rested in your desire to be with your best friend. The reality scared you and made you wonder just how long you've felt this way. There was nothing more you wanted than to avoid destroying your eighteen years of friendship.
You came down the stairs to continue preparing for the day. You had a backpack of food for snacks and lunch, blankets, sunscreen, and anything else you would need for a day at the beach. As you packed things away, you recalled Eren's phone call late last night.
"Y/N! Let's go to the beach before my mom's party. That's what I want for my birthday." His voice was almost panicked and frantic, his panting breath came through clearly on the receiver.
You were nearly speechless, feeling a pang in your heart that tugged at it until you were raw. "Oh! Um, okay!"
"Good! I already bought the train tickets," he said hastily, tripping over his own words. There was a beat of silence as you held the clunky phone to your ear, twisting the cable around in your finger. "Um, okay, I'll pick you up early tomorrow morning. You better go to sleep soon."
You had a small smile yourself as you tried to contain the excitement you had. 'We're just two friends going to the beach for his birthday that's all.'
"What are you smiling about?" a voice questioned, from behind you.
Nearly dropping the bottles of lemonade, you felt your soul expel itself from your body. You snapped your head to see Eren standing in your kitchen, his flowery shirt unbuttoned, revealing a white t-shirt underneath it. He wore a pair of khaki shorts and a simple baseball hat covering the top of his messy hair. Your mom probably let him in while you were upstairs. You felt a blush spread across your cheeks, seeing him dressed this way and you did your best to hide it by turning back to your bag.
"I'm just excited about your birthday, that's all," you said, struggling to carry the load.
You could tell that Eren was watching you closely and looking over the flowy dress you chose that had a pattern of small flowers. He grabbed the heavy bag out of your hands and slung it easily on his shoulder. "I've never seen this dress before."
The both of you began to exit towards the front door, making final checks before leaving. "My mom's boyfriend got it for me."
Eren loaded the bag on the bench between the two of you in his truck. He was avoiding your gaze just as much as you were. "It looks nice on you."
Maybe a version of you would have punched him in the arm and felt shy from his compliment. Instead, it made you smile, grateful you made the right clothing decision this morning. "Thank you. You look nice too."
The drive to the train station wasn't very far from your home. Eren parked his pickup truck in the parking lot and led you toward the booth. You were pretty impressed by Eren as he led you through the busy train station, holding your hand so as to not lose you. You had to admit, even in those little moments, you were seeing him more as a man than the annoying brat you grew up with.
It was either the constant sounds of the rattling train tracks or vibrations of the seat or the early morning start that made you feel tired. You sat between the window and Eren, clinging to the smaller purse in front of you. The forested scenery passed you by quickly, transporting you from the suburbs to the rural areas outside of town. You felt Eren shift in his seat next to you, reaching over with the arm close to the aisle and tilting your head onto his shoulder. "You look tired, you can use my shoulder if you want."
Your heartbeat was deafening for your ears, growing louder than the sounds of the train, as you snuggled closer to him. The scent of his shampoo and cologne comforted you to fall asleep. Just as you felt yourself losing consciousness, you felt Eren's head tilt to rest on yours.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
Eren opened his eyes to the feeling of his body jolting forward from the train breaks. In a nearly instinctual way, he held his arm out in front of you to catch you from falling. Seeing your eyes flutter open, trailing up his arm and up to his eyes caused the corner of his lip to turn up ever so slightly. You still had a sleepy gaze in your eyes before Eren turned away, his heart racing faster than he could think. "We're here," was all he said before standing and picking up the bag of supplies.
Eren waited for you in the aisle as you did one last check of the seats. He was thankful that you were facing away from him as he traced the outlines of your dress as you bent over. The images he conjured of you flooded his mind and he was just as quick to shake those thoughts away. At that moment, you were with him. Your presence was enough to keep him from getting lost in the memories.
The moment you both stepped onto the platform and into the fresh air, the smell of salt water and greasy food stalls danced around. The sounds of beachgoers and crashing waves filled Eren's ears to the point where he could barely hear you.
From where Eren stood, he could see the sparkling water and grabbed your hand to pull you along, not wanting to waste any second. He had come here a few times before and the view was just as mesmerizing. Placing both his hand on the railing that looked over the sandy beach, Eren closed his eyes and felt the ocean breeze and warm sun against his skin. Bit by bit, Eren felt himself healing and remembering the pure joy of past dreams and friendship.
Ten Years Ago
"I'm gonna cross that ocean and go to Marley U!" you declared, pointing a finger past the horizon and out of view. The six friends sat around a campfire after a long day at the beach. Eren could remember the sand embedded between toes, hair hardened by the salt water, skin tanned and lathered in sunscreen. In the distance, both Eren and your mothers circled around their own campfire to supervise the birthday party. You continued, "Zeke says that's the best place to go."
The current conversation revolved around what dreams everyone had. Sasha wanted to try a meal from every country but was worried about her family's farm. Jean wanted to be an artist but was told to provide a comfortable life for his future wife and children. Your friends cheered in excitement for you, impressed by your desire to make goals so far in the future. Eren couldn't be any more silent. He held his knees to his chest and looked past you, trying to see what you did, trying to see what would make you want to leave him too.
"That's your dream?" he asked so quietly, it could barely be heard over the crackling fire. He didn't look at you, still glaring into the dark abyss that was the ocean as you bore down at him.
"In all the books I've read, they say going to university is how you can be as successful as possible," you defended. "That's how you can be as free as you want."
Eren's eyes continued to be lost in the darkness before him as he kept his eyes still. "On the other side of the sea...is freedom?"
He couldn't understand the breaking in his heart at the idea of freedom and the ocean that seemed to be the only barrier. He wanted to believe that on the other side was the freedom everyone longed for. His father, his brother, and his best friend could see that freedom meant leaving him behind. In Eren's eyes, whatever lay past the horizon were only enemies.
Present Day
By the time Eren came down from his high, he glanced down at you. Your eyes didn't trace the horizon line or the clouds that were in the sky. They rested on him, reading his expression like an open book. The way the wind gently brushed your hair and the way your skin glistened in the sunlight all fed into his desire to touch you, to run his fingers through your hair and across every curve on your body. He could have sworn he'd seen a faint light twinkle in your eyes.
Eren had come here a few times before and had grown to associate the beach with a certain feeling. He only wanted to remember the good parts. For his eighteenth birthday, all Eren wanted was to remember what it felt like to be happy. The crashing waves, the tickling sand, and the bright sun, all contributed to the way he felt at the beach.
Despite the pounding in his chest and the shaking of his hands, your smile melted him. In his eyes, you were that gentle wave that washed away any lingering anxieties. You were the sand that remained in his clothes days later. You were a warm sunrise that hugged and warmed him in the morning. It was only when he stood there on the boardwalk that he realized the person next to him made him feel the same way he did whilst at his favourite place.
Eren's face couldn't hide the secret he kept in his heart. It wasn't one that didn't manifest from a single moment or from a passing glance. It grew from all the small and big things you've done to keep him from floating away. It had been years, nearly decades, of this constant aching in his chest. The undeniable loneliness he felt was almost unbearable but lifelong heartbreak made it difficult to admit that it was hard to go through everything alone. He was used to this.
He had felt this feeling before, he was in love.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
As the day went on, Eren's presence felt just as uneasy as it ever had been. It didn't help that you were consistently bumbling over your words and actions. You noticed that every time you would look at him, his eyes would dart away and he would get lost in his thoughts, making you feel insecure and embarrassed. You wanted to make sure he was having a good time, it was his birthday after all. He followed you quietly on the beach as you scoured for a place to lay your blankets and enjoy lunch. It didn't take that long to find a clear area just a few steps away from the water, but not close enough to get splashed.
He helped you lay the blanket down evenly and you didn't waste one moment spreading out across it with a loud stretch. You kept your eyes closed so as to not be blinded by the sun, but you still could feel Eren sit down next to you.
"It's nice to finally relax, isn't it?" you said, squinting an eye open at him. You realized that you were laying in the shadow of Eren's body as he blocked your eyes from the sun behind him. He kept his gaze down at you and nodded without saying much. Feeling uncomfortable, you sat up and rummaged around in your bag. "We should have some lunch."
In your bag, you had a pair of sandwiches, bottles of lemonade, cut-up fruit, and a bag of chips to share. With every item you pulled out, Eren's eyes grew wider and wider. You couldn't help but laugh as he took a sandwich from your hands, analyzing each layer.
"I can't believe you did all this, you're seriously the best," Eren exclaimed, giving you a grateful grin.
You gave him a sly smile, excited for your next surprise. At the bottom of the pile, protected by the hard plastic that contained it, were a small cupcake and a single candle. Trying to be as discreet as possible, you lit the candle inside the bag, lifted it slowly to reveal it, and began to sing. "Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you!"
Eren was already groaning, albeit with a smile and a bubbling laugh on his face, before you could fully finish the song. "Are you serious, right now?"
"Happy birthday, dear Erennnn!" you sang over his protests, dragging out the last bit of his name out. "Happy birthday, to you~!" You gestured with the small cupcake in front of his face. He took a moment to himself to think of a wish and just a moment later, he cupped the back of your hands and brought them closer to his face. You felt the nerve endings on your fingertips flare up as he pursed his lips to blow out the candle.
Eren looked past the cupcake and locked eyes with you. For once, you didn't feel shy or have the reactionary urge to turn away. Instead, you looked back at him, urging him with your eyes to pull you even closer. Just once, you wanted to see if he felt the same way you did.
Keeping his eye contact, Eren took one of his hands and removed the candle whilst the other led you towards him. You felt your arms being pulled and by the time they were fully extended, Eren lowered his head and parted his lips to take a bite of the cupcake out of your palm. You felt shivers crawl up your back at the sight of his tongue running across his bottom lip to clean up the crumbs.
"It's delicious, thank you," he whispered.
"I baked it just for you."
"You should get a taste of what you've made."
You felt your blood rushing away from your senses, making your sense of hearing fade away. Eren spoke so quietly that even his deep voice was fuzzy. Eren took his free hand, delicately picking up the other half of the dessert whilst leaving some crumbs in your palm.
Eren didn't look away as he gently fed you and you felt a pang in your stomach as he watched you lick your own lips with a swallow. With your hand that still rested in his, he kissed your open palm to clean up the crumbs.
You watched the sight with shaking eyes as every kiss fed into the restless feeling between your thighs.
"I'm sorry," Eren muttered, lifting his head to let your hand go. "I just wanted more."
You felt like your skin had been lit up, feeling every sensation that grazed across it. You could feel every grain of sand, every spray of the ocean, every beam of the sun. Amidst all of that, you could feel Eren trembling. You worried over the pink glow on his skin. Maybe he was burning just as much as you were.
Author's Note:
Thank you for reading chapter 18! I cannot fully express just how much fun I am having writing this story. This is a special double update because it's best if these two are paired together. <3
I hope you enjoy it! Please don't forget to vote, comment, or share. Your engagement means the world to me!
-zel