Featured Lyrics:
I might forget to turn out all the lights
But you take care of me when I have to leave at dawn
I might sleep in past all my alarms
But you take care of us when I make it tough because
Was I fearless at seventeen years old
Or was I faking it, I was just a kid leavin' home
Now I get scared for reasons I don't know
Is it just because I ain't tough enough to be alone?
It takes all that I got not to fuck this up
So won't you let me know if I'm not alone
And I like what we got but I'm scared of what it's not
So won't you let me know if I'm not alone
Leaning on you
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
It was the early mid-March morning when you slammed open Eren's bedroom door to find him passed out and drooling. You had spent the night at the Jaeger home after a particularly late book club meeting. It had been a while since the last time you tagged along with your mom and you didn't want to waste the opportunity to continue patching things up with Eren. You were thankful that when you called him to say you were coming over, he didn't hide his excitement. It felt like you had been rehabilitated, feeling your lungs ache from the laughter you shared throughout the evening.
The sun hadn't fully risen when you opened your eyes the next morning as you stretched wide across the couch. You had the worn-down duvet spread across your body as you pulled it up higher, giving the sheets a sniff. Even though the stuffing had stiffened up and some of the seams were frayed, the smell of the laundry detergent Carla reminded you of blanket forts and movie marathons.
You knew that Eren was a particularly loud person in the morning. He would always bang his elbows or sing in the shower or knock something over as he got ready for work. You would always complain that on the nights you stayed over, his noisy habits would wake you up. That continual pattern eventually trained your circadian rhythm to expect Eren's morning routine.
Your eyes had calmly opened after just a few hours of sleep and you smiled as balance came back into your life. Your moment of peace was promptly cut short with one glance at the clock. You shot up, recalling that Eren had work and the lack of banging and singing didn't bode well in Eren's favour. . It was the only reason why you didn't stay up until 3 A.M. helping him set up an email account on the Jaeger family's new computer.
"Eren! Get up!" you shouted in the doorway. "You're going to be late!"
In a scramble, Eren's body contorted in a way that got him tangled up in his own blanket. "Eughlah..." he groaned, his eyes darted to the clock. "EUGHLAH!" In his half-awoken stature, Eren got up to reveal his exposed torso and thighs. You barely reacted to seeing him half-naked. It was a sight that you were used to seeing. Most nights, he would start off fully clothed but would strip one piece off at a time to cool down in the middle of his sleep.
You found that your eyes were trailing along the contours of his chest and along his collarbone as a hot blush flickered across your cheeks. You were thankful that the sun hadn't fully risen yet or else he would see you staring at him. Like a zombie, Eren hobbled to the door frame where you stood and leaned in close to your face with his eyes closed. It gave you an opportunity to stare at his soft hair that was growing past his chin now and his nose that crinkled from his wincing eyes. He reached an arm out, caging you in and you hoped that he couldn't hear your breath waver.
"Close your eyes," he muttered with a low raspy tone as he leaned in close.
You did so without thinking, feeling unnecessarily nervous at his close proximity.
You saw a flash of red flicker across your closed eyelids, indicating that the lights had been turned on. When you opened your eyes Eren had already turned around to throw a pair of sweatpants on and a hoodie. Eren's eyes were narrowed and tired as he walked past you, turning on the basement lights to walk across the common area to the bathroom where he turned the lights on again to brush his teeth. Without much thought, you followed to wait for him in the common area of the basement near the bottom of the stairs.
When he finished, he hobbled towards you again and wordlessly gave you a hug. You could hear him inhale a deep breath in the crook of your neck, enrapturing your scent and your embrace. He placed his large hands on the top of your head, giving you a small smile before walking up the stairs. He didn't hide his fatigue as he wobbled up the stairs and off to work. You stood frozen in your spot, still feeling the pressure of his arms around your body. You could hear the sound of his truck engine sputtering to a start, snapping you out of your paralysis and giving you a chance to finally breathe. Your knees felt weak as you flicked off every light he left on.
The lingering infatuation you held onto felt scary and too familiar. The comfort you felt in Eren was where you felt most at home. You were ready to settle and continue your lives as they always had been and yet you couldn't deny the little sparks that still danced in his eyes. You did your best to fan away those feelings, for fear of messing up your already fragile relationship. Despite your efforts, those little sparks seemed to grow the more you resisted.
You suddenly felt tired from the constant thoughts that plagued your mind as you flopped back into bed to catch up on more sleep.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
You sat across from Eren in the busy lunch room students loudly discussed their spring break plans. It was the last day before the week-long break from school and you were feeling just as much excitement. You didn't have any particular plans yet besides Eren's upcoming birthday. He was always lazy with planning his own events, but you continued to probe him anyways.
"Do you wanna catch a movie? Or we could go out to eat at your favourite restaurant?" You poked at his side, trying to coax even the smallest part of his mind to make a plan. "It sounds like everyone's going out of town so it's just you and me here."
"Why do you always want to leave?" Eren asked, looking down at his lunch tray.
You were shocked at his question as you backed down. "What? It's not that I want to leave. I just want to make sure that you have a good time."
Eren finally looked up from his tray and bore deeply into your eyes. The sounds of the lunch room faded away as he sustained the connection between the two of you. "Just spending time with you is enough for me. We don't have to do anything special." You backed down, feeling foolish from your senseless persistence. Eren noticed your downtrodden expression and laughed, gently landing an open palm on the top of your head. "Okay, okay, listen, my mom wants to use my birthday as an excuse to have a giant party for the book club...and it sounds like my dad and brother are coming home."
You perked up at the sound of the Jaeger family plans and Eren rolled his eyes with a subtle smirk.
"I knew that the idea of Zeke would make you want to come."
You raised your eyebrows at his proposition, nearly choking on the food you were just biting onto. Wordlessly, you gave him a smack on his side as he let out a cackle. You were out of breath by the time you were able to properly swallow. "That's not true!"
"I know you have a thing for blondes."
"Okay, that was a low blow."
Eren paused and cocked his head to the side, trying to read your expression. "Is it not true? You have a track record. Blonde, smart, clean-cut dudes."
You rolled your eyes, feeling embarrassed by Eren's unfortunately accurate reading of you. "You should get a haircut soon," you deflected. "Or at least brush it if you're going to grow it out. You look like you haven't been home for years."
Eren ruffled his hair, messing up the tangles in his hair even further. "What do you think of my look now?"
You stared at him, grazing your eyes over his facial features. You noticed how his green-eyes were still round and open with the amazement of a child. His nose sat perfectly in the middle of his face, right above the inklings of stubble on his upper lip. Your eyes rested on Eren's lips which were slightly parted and glistening from the chapstick he haphazardly applied a while ago. The memory of him eating your cherry chapstick as a five-year-old made you snicker suddenly into your hands.
"You look like how you've always looked," you finally admitted, still taking in the view.
Eren raised an eyebrow at you with an amused smile and leaned back in his chair. You watched as he had a silent moment to himself, and you wondered if there was a memory that sparked in his mind. You figured that by the way he quietly laughed to himself, a twitch in the left corner of his lip, he remembered something good.
He suddenly looked up from his isolation and you weren't embarrassed to be caught staring. "I'm not with Hitch, by the way. Never was."
You felt like a rug had been pulled from underneath you as you felt your breath halter for just a moment. You were paralyzed by Eren's sudden confession, unsure why he decided to bring it up. You weren't sure how to respond, but you were thankful that Eren had more to say to fill in the silence.
"It was all fake anyways, there was nothing between us."
Eren looked back at you and showed you the same expression he gave that night in his basement before the Winter Ball. You could recall the tall moonlit shadows, the sinking of the decades-old couch, the fragrance of the running load of laundry, the hum of the furnace turning on, and the way your tongue sat unable to speak in your mouth. It all felt raw and recent. Everything you felt was hidden away and frozen by the time the snow fell. Facing Eren, months after it happened, you felt yourself melting and actually feeling that freedom you've been searching for.
You had no idea how long you were sitting in your memory by the time Eren spoke again. In reality, it was only just a few seconds of enduring the pain like a flash flood.
"I think I was just scared of being alone."
You paused, taking in the words he was saying and having them weigh heavily on your chest. "Why were you scared?"
Eren smirked again, looking down and tracing the patterns on the picnic table. You could tell he was running everything he wanted to say in the back of his mind. "I dunno, seventeen years old and I'm tired of being alone. I'm not tough enough for that." Eren let a cynical laugh out as he avoided your gaze.
You placed a hand on top of him that laid in a fist on the table. "You're not alone, you have me. We have each other."
Eren shook his head and gave you a downturned smile. There was nothing more you wanted than to read his mind. The words he withheld, the thoughts that plagued him, the wishes kept to himself. You wanted to know what they were.
Eren started to pile the remains of his lunch and cleaned up the space around him and you followed suit. He paused to let out a sigh. Then, he turned to you and erased any sign of doubt from his face. The walls he built were towering again, but somewhere deep within them, you could tell there was just a moment of regret in his eyes. "You better get to class."
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
It was finally the end of the day and the energy from lunch hour had boiled over by the time the school door's floodgates were open. You sat at the kitchen island that looked towards where Eren boiled a pot of ramen for the both of you.
"Armin tried to add me in the chatrooms," you groaned, burying your head in your hands. Armin mostly avoided you, but you put in the extra effort to completely cut him out as best as you could. "I guess he still has my email."
Eren smirked as he evenly served up the soup into two bowls. "Gross."
"I don't think I'll be ready for a relationship again any time soon." Eren had placed a bowl in front of you as he stood and ate on the other side of the island.
Eren laughed as he slurped up his noodles. "Heh, I agree with you. The mess afterwards is so bad."
"Do you remember your first girlfriend and how much you cried when you broke up with her?" You began to tease. "What was her name again? She had the black hair and the pigtails. Mina?" You laid on the cheesy voice a little thick, trying to get a reaction out of him. "Now you don't even give a shit after Hitch dumped you.."
Eren reached across the island to push you slightly, his annoyed expression hiding a secret smile. "Yeah...Mina was nice but flakey. She just followed me around and never made any decisions for herself." Eren paused and you wondered what memories were flickering in his mind. "Hitch on the other hand was also flakey, but she never reached out and expected me to want to stick around. She dumped me because I didn't pay enough attention to her. Seems counterintuitive to me."
"Sounds like you always choose the unreliable ones," you laugh, swirling the noodles in your bowl.
Eren rest his head on his hand so he could tilt in close, "That's why I have you to lean on."
You felt flustered at his words and instinctually pushed his eyes away with a palm against his cheek. "Shut up." You could feel his lips curl towards a smile as he moved your hand away. "I'm just being a good friend."
"I'm being honest!" Eren said with an exasperated laugh. "I notice all the little things you do for me. I don't take them for granted. Besides, no one can tolerate me as long as you can."
You rolled your eyes at his cheesy words. "I think I'm the one who leans on you. I can't even remember all the times you've been there for me."
Eren glanced over your face, tracing your eyes and trailing his gaze halfway to your lips. His suddenly serious expression made you fidget on your barstool. Your relationship with Eren had crawled its way back to comfortable. It was best that you allowed yourself time to heal and that you gave Eren the same treatment. Whether he agreed with it or not, you had yet to have that discussion.
"I'm...I'm glad we're friends," he said, fixing his face and flashing you a teasing smile. It was some kind of closure that sat right in the middle. Eren suddenly stood up and stretched his arms with a yawn. The bottom hem of his shirt lifted to expose the skin underneath. You couldn't deny the blush that spread as you took a peak. "You're sleeping here tonight, right? Mom's already laid out a blanket for you."
You had to distract yourself from the bubbling frustration inside of you, whether or not you realized it. You got up to help Eren clean up the dishes and you could feel the heat from his body whenever he got too close. When you both finished, he led you to the basement and you stood at the base of the stairs, contemplating your feelings.
Eren stepped into his room and called out, "Want some clothes?"
"Um, sure!" The more you tried to calm your heart, the harder it pounded.
When Eren exited his room, he walked past you and began to sort through the VHS collection on the shelves. "You can just grab whatever from my drawers."
Inside Eren's room, you felt comfortable, you felt safe, and yet something inside you couldn't let you rest. You could tell that something was stirring inside Eren, noticing the lingering gazes as he passed you in the common area outside. You rummaged through his clothes to find something to wear. As you draped his shirt over your shoulders and pulled his sweatpants up your legs, you felt the same sensation of a comforting hug. You didn't even realize the tension you held in your body before you felt yourself physically relaxing.
When you rejoined Eren on the couch, you sat on the other side away from him. You didn't want him to notice the way you were trembling or how loudly your heart was beating. You didn't want him to notice the frustration that you held against yourself. It was taking your absolute best to tread over the treacherous waters. One wrong move and everything you had built up with Eren would fuck up. In your panic, you couldn't see a single correct move to keep the both of you safe.
You recalled once again the night that sent you on the current path you were on. You've felt this feeling before. It wasn't jealousy or hurt, but it was that unfamiliar longing for a missed opportunity. During that night, the wrong decision was placed in your hands and you weren't able to process your feelings. Now, there was no threat of a third party, it was both of your hearts getting in the way.
In the subtle contortions of his face, you read that Eren sensed everything you hid or Eren was feeling exactly the same way you did. "How...are you feeling?" he asked, trying to dig deeper.
There were many ways you could answer his question but none of them could comprehend the never-ending whirlwind you felt in your mind. You uttered, feeling your mouth dry up. "I feel happy. I'm glad we're friends."
Eren's eyes darted away, as he nodded slowly, battling his own mental storm.
All your misplaced emotions and misplaced opportunities tugged at you until there was nothing left but the root of your pain.
You had felt this feeling before, you were in love.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
Author's Note:
Happy New Year!!!
I hope you're all having a wonderful beginning to 2023. I guess the best way to do that is to experience fictional heartbreak! There is way more coming and I cannot wait to continue this journey with you.
Thank you for all the views, saves, and amazing comments you leave. I love seeing your reactions and your thoughts, it honestly gives me so much serotonin that I need in these dark winter times lmao
You will be hearing from me again soon!
-zel