This book is being rewritten under a new title "Silently Drowning", although nothing is happening to this book or the series that goes with it, I do suggest reading the rewritten version.
Alessia Ferrari
"You got lucky Alessia." I wouldn't call it luck. More like a nightmare that I'd prefer to wake up from. Something tells me this is very real though and no matter how hard I close my eyes or pinch my fingers I will be stuck sitting on this bed staring at some women in a lab coat - of whom I still don't know the name of, maybe she told me but I was too busy spiraling down the thoughts of 'oh shit how much do they know?'
Maybe I didn't think this through.
I don't regret trying to take my life, I regret failing, and maybe I regret hurting Manny. He's sensitive anyway, I know this, not that there's anything wrong with that, I actually love it when men are capable of putting aside society's expectations and show how they actually feel.
It's actually a sad reality, so many men deem natural things such as crying as 'weak', I actually think the strongest thing you can do is show emotions, it's far too easy to just shut everything off.
"-So now that we got that out of the way I need to let Mr. Ferrari in before we can continue this conversation." It was then that I realized how I was once again so lost in thought that I didn't even realize she was speaking.
"Wait, why?" I question, still trying to let my brain clear from the fog that overtook it just an hour prior.
"You are still a minor and I legally can not go over a treatment plan without your guardian present or consent from your guardian to continue. I was informed that your guardian is now your grandfather so he needs to be in the room before we can continue."
I let out a long sigh before speaking again. "Alright." I say dramatically.
I don't want to have to see the look of disappointment swirl in my Nonno's eyes.
It only took a few seconds before the doctor emerged through the door with my grandfather trailing behind her.
"Can we please get the room to ourselves?" The doctor asks Manny who is still laying his head on my shoulder.
"He stays." I reply sternly as I reassuringly grip my best friend's hand.
I know it may be confusing as to why I'm reassuring him and not the other way around. In the end, he would have been the one most hurt if I would have succeeded, it's not like I'd grieve myself, I didn't feel anything while unconscious while Manny felt just about every emotion you can think of given the situation.
My Nonno looks over at me and analyzes my face for a few seconds, "he stays" he repeats while giving a small nod urging the doctor to get on with what she wanted to say.
"Very well, now normally with cases of possible suicide attempts we put the patient on a forty-eight hour hold, if we evaluate the patient, in this case being Alessia Ferrari, is not a harm to herself or anyone else then we can simply discharge her. We also have impatient facilities-" She begins to explain.
"Absolutely not." I interrupt while tightening my grip on Manny. My biggest mistake was thinking I could leave him, I didn't realize it before but I now know he needs me just as much as I need him and the way his eyes shut tightly at the thought of me agreeing just proves that. Although Manny wouldn't for a second stop me if that's what I wanted.
"Alessia-" Nonno says, except his usual cold tone was replaced with the sound of pure desperation.
"I said no." Leaving no room for argument. I've heard enough of impatient facilities to know I don't want to go to one. There's the rare stories of the patients coming out in recovery but more times than not I read about people coming out in an even worse head space than they went in with. I don't care if I need to fight my brother myself, I'd rather die than be sent away.
Okay maybe I shouldn't say that while I sit on a hospital bed after a suicide attempt.
"Can we have a moment alone?" Lorenzo's ice cold tone breaks the tension in the room as he stands by the doorway.
Why the hell is he in here?
Almost like my grandfather could read my mind he spoke, "Why the fuck are you in here Lorenzo, this is a private conversation."
"I just want to talk with my sister."
"Can't it wait, the doctor is in the middle of speaking."
"It's no problem really, I have a few consults to attend to so I will be back to check where we are regarding this conversation in about thirty minutes." She says as she steps out of the room.
"See... Now can I speak with my sister?" Lorenzo continues to nag, he's not going to shut up until I talk to him.
"Nonno, I'm hungry... Can you pretty please get me something to eat?" I ask while attempting the best puppy-dog eyes I can muster.
He looked at me for a split second before replying with a quick "fine" and then he too walked out of the room.
"He's not leaving," I say while I point to the boy who had fallen asleep on my shoulder with my fingers running through his hair.
I've come to realize I love him. Not in some weird 'I fell in love with my gay best friend' way, the care I have for Manny is almost like I would have for a younger sibling, even if he is only a few months younger. The kind of care I so desperately wanted from my own brothers.
"He can stay-" Lorenzo reassures "the kid must be exhausted, I doubt he slept much for the last week or so, every time your door opened he jumped in front of you and wouldn't let anyone near you. It took his uncle pulling him away and holding him back so your doctor could run tests." He chucked at the memory before speaking once again. "He really cares for you, you know?"
"I know." I whisper, a faint smile gracing my lips.
"I'm sorry." He breaks the silence.
"For what?" I questioned.
"All this shit."
"And what is 'all this shit'?" I continue to press.
Maybe I'm being dramatic but I wanted him to say it, I needed him to say it. Saying 'I'm sorry' won't change what happened but it really doesn't do anything if you can't even admit what you did wrong.
It won't take anything back but at least taking accountability is a start.
"Are we really doing this? You know what happened, I don't want to say it."
More like he doesn't want to admit he fucked up.
"And you think I did?" I whisper-yelled, trying my best not to wake my best friend who's still sleeping peacefully.
"You know that's not what I meant."
"Get out."
"Alessia-"
"Lorenzo, I'm tired and I don't want to deal with this conversation so please just get out." I almost plead.
"Fine-" He puts his hands up in surrender. "I'll come back later and we can discuss what to do after you're discharged."
**
Four days later
We did in fact not talk later because I felt like being a petty bitch and made him talk to me through Manny.
Manny thought it was hilarious, Lorenzo... not so much but I'm at this point where I don't care what he thinks.
You can only push someone so much before they give up. I gave up on him caring a long time ago so I'm not sure how to react to this concerning big brother act.
After two hours of going back and forth we finally some-what agreed on therapy twice a week. By somewhat I do mean I shut down the idea immediately and Manny practically begged me to agree.
He was exhausted and on the brink of tears due to a nightmare he had only a few moments prior to that conversation so I couldn't possibly say no to him.
I was discharged last night and now live with my grandfather.
Nonno bought a house in the same neighborhood as Manny which I like. The house feels more like a home rather than a museum, just like I once wished for.
Niccolò oddly enough has been hanging around me these last few days. I do mean around me not near me, something about Manny slapping him then threatening to castrate him. I don't know but either way my twin is creepily watching me from dark corners, I think I'd prefer if he just left entirely.
I actually think he's been staying in one of the guest rooms.
The house has four bedrooms.
Nonno's, mine, and two guest rooms.
I genuinely believe Niccolò and Luca have been staying here as well since I see them so much.
Manny had been sleeping in my room, almost like he's afraid to leave me alone. I basically had to beg him to let me pee unsupervised.
Romeo stops by after work every day with food except he's always in a rush. Something about a man-child being incapable of taking his medications without being told to do so.
Honestly, I have no clue what he was on about, maybe he was just ranting about one of his patients or something.
I saw Matteo yesterday. He baked me brownies... My lesson? Matteo can do many things - baking is not one of them.
Alessandro also checks in on me occasionally but he doesn't hover, which I actually appreciate. I love Manny and I know he cares and I know he's scared, but I also feel suffocated and the only thing I'm looking forward to with this therapy session, to get away from all of them for a moment.
Lorenzo? Yeah I haven't seen him nor have I heard a peep from him.
Not even a 'hey, you alive?' text. Not that I'm complaining, other than my other brothers rushing in and out of the house constantly it's been relatively peaceful.
I'm just not looking forward to the moment I have to face life again, I have quite enjoyed this little bubble I have created for myself.
**
"Okay and how did your brother choosing to ignore you make you feel?" my therapist asked, I think her name is Faith, I made it a point that I didn't want a man so we compromised.
I know it's just basic questions that she has to ask for her notes or whatever but it still feels stupid. Oh yeah, I was just raped frequently for four years, beat to the point of losing consciousness, found comfort in my own blood, and tried to end my life.
Life is peachy, how's the kids?
[Words: 1824]
[Edited: August 2, 2023]