"I thought I would be fine after everything was finally over. Once court was over, once Hoseok was placed in an institution, and once I finally moved away from Busan." She swallowed her thick saliva, her foot tapping restlessly above the lavish wooden floor. "The thing is, everything is perfect. My life is finally normal, it's just wanted I wanted. But, I can't stop dreaming about that night. I can't stop dreaming of him."
Nali narrowed her eyes, listening to Seren's confession.
"Sorry... I mean... Hoseok. I can't stop dreaming about Hoseok." Seren corrected herself, shaking her head. "It still feels weird to say his name, even after almost two years."
Seren never considered therapy for her problems. She didn't want therapy, but Jimin encouraged her to start going to sessions, he claimed she needed to talk to somebody that could help her with her issue.
"It's gonna take some time, everything is. Getting used to saying his name, getting over what happened to you. You went through something very traumatic, it won't go away easily in just two years." Nali insisted, readjusting in her seat. "What exactly do you dream about?"
"It always starts the same. It's me and him, like normal. Like nothing happened, like he never let Jack take over. It's us having normal conversations, on a normal date, but it's always at the old bar I used to work at." Seren recalled, vividly remembering each dream she's ever had about Hoseok.
"Then, all of a sudden, I'm back at the park... deep in the park. And he's above me again, except he's Jack. And he's stabbing me. I can never understand why it's always so vivid, and so specific."
Nali nodded slowly, carefully analyzing Seren's nightmare with taut eyes that made Seren slightly adjust her posture.
"That could just mean that you're not over what happened to you. If in these nightmares you are scared, and you feel the way you felt two years ago, you haven't healed from what happened. Which, is understandable, don't think you should have grown from this in such little time."
Seren toyed with her fingers, hating how she still wasn't over what Hoseok did to her, even after she had moved away from her old home.
From the place where it all started.
"How has your love life been?" Nali changed the subject, seeing Seren was left silent.
"It's been... I've been trying to see new people. Well, just one person in particular, actually. He's been so patient with me, so loving and caring. I almost feel guilty for not being able to show that back to him sometimes." Seren revealed, rubbing away the chills that formed on her arm. "Somedays, I'm good to love him, and do the things couples do like go out on romantic dates. But, sometimes, there are days where I can't. Where I'm stuck in the past, where I think all this will fade from me one day, and I'm left alone."
"And you said your parents were also absent in your life, right?" Nail recalled, her finger tapping her crossed knee.
She nodded. "Yeah."
"I do think that this behavior has to do with Hoseok, but I also think it has to do with that. You never had your parents, but even after this tragic event happened to you, your parents still weren't there for you. You could convince yourself that you don't care and that you simply don't need them, but at the back of your mind, it hurts you. You needed them, and they weren't there. It's okay to admit that."
"I think it's just enhanced ever since you were in the hospital, so it now shows up in your love life." She finished, pushing her glasses up further against her nose.
"So, you don't think it has to do with Hoseok, or Jack?" Seren asked, her eyebrows pinching together.
"No, I do think it has to do with that. I also just think it has to do with your parents as well." She cleared her throat.
Her approach made sense to Seren. It was true, she even admitted that to Yoongi the first night they stayed with her in the hospital. She was hurt that her parents never took the time or ever cared to go and visit her while she stayed in the hospital.
And even when she was discharged, and sold Jiwo's home, they never invited her to stay at their house. They were disappointed, or at least Jimin said they seemed that way when he told them what happened to her.
How they knew she was destined for such a crappy life like that.
When Jimin told her what they said, she never wanted to hear from them or hear of them. She then decided to move out to Seoul with Yoongi, Namjoon even tagged along, they were living out the life they wanted when they were in high school. Except, they were living on the same floor of the same apartment building.
"How is your career going?" She asked more questions.
"The one thing in my life that I'm most proud of, it's great." Seren finally cracked a smile, her beating heart warming up the rest of her body. "I found a place to work at quickly in Seoul, and I love it. I love helping others heal through plants, and nature. It's beautiful."
"Why don't you treat this like you're healing a patient?" Nali suggested. "Have you been planting like you said you would?"
Her smile quickly withered, pinching her lips in disappointment. "No. I just haven't found the time."
"We always have time for things, Seren. We make time." She instructed. "Just like we make time for the people in our lives, we have to make time for ourselves, make time for selfcare."
"I actually used to do that often with my friend. We would have these cleansing days, it was very healing." She took defiant contentment in that memory, wishing they could do those things again.
"Why don't you do that now?" She continued to ask.
"I don't know. I guess we both became busy, we haven't remembered enough to speak about it again." Seren said woefully, missing the old times, somehow.
"Why don't you bring it up to them? Next time we have another session, I want to hear everything about the time you spent with them." She requested, smiling. "Tell me about how you feel when you look at your body in the mirror?"
Her heart sunk, her teeth clamping against her bottom lip. "When I used to look at those scars, I just saw how Jack left them on my body to leave his mark on me. How ugly they were, and how gross it was to look at my body without clothes on."
The first year after everything happened, she refused to ever look at herself in a mirror without a shirt on. She refused to even touch them, hating the feeling and texture they had. When she first started her sessions, that was her first task, embracing what happened to her, to finally look in a mirror in nothing but a bra, and touch the scars.
Seren thought she would hate every minute of it, she thought she would always be disgusted by the rugged feel they had.
But, once she finally did it, it passed. She didn't feel scared, nor was she repulsed. She was grateful. Grateful that she was still there, standing in front of a mirror, doing what she never thought she would do.
"Now, it's like I don't even notice them. I touch my stomach and chest like nothing is there, and I don't mind not wearing a shirt around my apartment." She stated proudly.
"That's great. I think it's a big step since we've started our sessions, I'm sure you never thought you'd be so comfortable with yourself." Nali encouraged, nodding her head. "Now, I want you to do three things for me. One of which I think you may find difficult, but I think it could help you heal from what you're going through."
Seren nodded instantly. "I don't care what it is, I just want to get better."
Nali's red lips pulled into a smile. "First, I want you to meet up with your friend and have a cleanse, like before. Then, I want you to make time for yourself, plant something, just one small flower into a pot for your home."
"Okay, they sound easy enough." Seren agreed, not finding where she would have an issue with the two tasks Nali gave her. "I can do that."
"Right. Then, I want you to visit Hoseok." She requested effortlessly, readjusting her frames.
Seren felt her lips separate, caught off guard by her sudden request.
"W-Wait, you want me to go to the-"
"I want you to visit the Psychiatric hospital they have Hoseok in, and I want you to have a look around." She finished, rubbing lint off her black slacks.
"H-How is that gonna help me? I think not seeing him would help, seeing him would just put him more into my mind." She disputed, feeling the warmth of her fury heat up her body.
"That's what you think, but facing the issue is what's going to help you, it's just like the scars on your body, you faced them and it helped you." Nali explained her reasoning. "I don't want you to interact with him, just go inconspicuously, and watch from afar. Analyze him, see how he's doing. Ask the doctors about him."
Her jaw clenched, keeping herself from telling her therapist something she would regret. Nali was licensed, she knew what she was doing, if she suggested something to Seren that she thought could help would work, could work, wouldn't it?
It caught Seren by surprise, the last thing she expected to hear at the end of her session was finding out she had to visit her attempted murderer.
"How... how is this going to help me?" Seren questioned, her nails digging into her palm. "This is far more extreme than facing my scars. I don't get how seeing my attempted murderer is going to help me, would that not traumatize me further?"
"Yes, I could see that you would doubt this. But, it's a mere suggestion, Seren. If you don't think you're ready, you don't have to. As I said before, I wouldn't want you to interact with him, I would just want you to observe him, it may put an end to your night terrors if you face your fear. This would help you grow from it." Nali explained further, her body language was the opposite of Seren's.
Her tense shoulders slackened, realizing that being upset wouldn't change Nali's suggestion. She would just be wasting her time and energy on maintaining her frustration.
It was better if she kept her distance from him, the last thing she wanted to do was converse with him as if nothing happened, and he wasn't in the mental institution for multiple murders and attempted murder.
"Alright, I'll do the first two." Seren agreed, taking a deep breath in. "But, I don't know about the last. I guess I will see how I feel once I think about it more."
"That's all I ask, that you truly consider it. As long as you do the first two, I think you can still get over these night terrors." Nali nodded, the corner of her lip rising.
"Okay, thank you, Nali. I'll see you our next session." Seren grabbed her purse rising from the sofa.
"Take care, Seren." She called out to her as she reached for the exit.
She walked across the lobby, sorting her thoughts about how she felt about Nali's views on visiting Hoseok.
The last time Seren saw him was in the courtroom where she gave her statement, she wasn't even there when they sentenced him, and he gave his last statement. It was too much to revisit, and she was over the publicity. Tired of being the girl that survived Jack's murderous attempt, tired of being labeled as the girlfriend to a lunatic.
However, at the same time, Nali was right. What if all she needed to do was visit Hoseok and finally gain some closure for her vivid nightmares to finally stop?
Nobody knew the torment and suffering that came with her nightmares, the explicit feeling of fear pooling in her eyes as the same feeling of hopelessness drowned her thoughts, finding no escape from Jack.
If this visit could help her, she would do it.
***
Seren kept her eyes on the building in front of her, her fingers tapping at a furious beat against the steering wheel in her hands, her mind racing through thousands of doubts and rue.
Was she making a bad decision?
Sitting in her car, in front of the same building that Hoseok was sentenced to for life after he was found guilty of his odious crimes, watching the trees sway in the croon motion that the wind blew.
"You don't have to do this, you know." Yoongi's lilted voice chimed from beside her.
She turned to look at him, her lips pressed together in uncertainty. "It's been two months since my therapist suggested I come here... I feel like I should do it if it means it will help me."
"I know, and I support you on this. But, you just seem uncertain, and I don't want you to regret this." Yoongi murmured in his methodical voice. "What do you plan on doing when you see him? What do you want to see from him?"
She exhaled through her nose, staring down at the center console to gather her thoughts. "Honestly... I hope he's better. I know what he did to me is unforgivable, but it would be great if he shows signs of recovery, not so he could walk the streets among us, but so he could have a chance at living a normal life."
She then glanced at Yoongi. "Does that vindicate my visit?"
"You don't need to justify your reasoning for being here, you don't even need validation from someone else... even a therapist." He slightly chuckled, making her laugh as well. "I think if you're ready to see him, then okay, that's reason enough."
Seren smiled, reaching over to grab his hand. "You know, Jimin also said something along those lines. And so did Namjoon, before we left." It sparked confidence in her that her friends and younger brother supported her regardless of what asinine decision she made.
She was glad that she didn't have to justify her reasoning to them, they would already be so supportive.
"I'm just glad that you guys support me, even if my decision seems so dumb." Seren intertwined her fingers with Yoongi's.
"It's not dumb, especially not if it could help you... I hate seeing you wake up scared, I feel like I can't do anything to help." He said, his voice tainted with worry.
"You just being there to hold me really does enough, Yoongi." She reassured softly, caressing his wintry skin.
"I'm glad I help in some way, then." His shoulders imperceptibly slackened, mollified by her voice. "Let's go, I can wait for you in the lobby if you'd want me to. I don't want to distract you from this."
She agreed to his suggestion. "I would want you by my side, but I feel like I have to do it alone. It would help if you stayed in the lobby, give me some peace of mind."
They both exited the car, Seren holding onto Yoongi's hand with a myriad of emphasis, afraid to let go of him. She thought she needed him most at that very moment, his presence alone gave her the confidence she needed to get things over with, to finally heal and move on to the next set of chapters of her life.
Yoongi opened the door for her, stepping inside. The subtle scent of potpourri hit her nostrils, along with the warm temperature to fight the bitter cold from the outside.
The shivers in her body waned, instantly comforted by the warm setting in the peaceful lobby.
"Hi, how can I help you?" The woman at the front desk caught their wandering eyes.
Yoongi placed his hand on the small of her back, gently driving her forward.
"Hi, um, I'm actually here to see a patient." Seren answered, placing her hands above the desk.
"Great, what is the patients name?" She asked, typing away on her computer.
"Hoseok... Jung Hoseok." Seren stated, toying with her lip ring.
"Alright, Jung Hoseok," she muttered, searching through the files on her computer. "Doesn't look like you have an appointment, do you?" She asked, looking up at Seren.
"Uh, no. Do I need one?" Seren asked, her confidence ebbed.
"Oh, no. I just asked because I didn't see your name pop up on the roster. You don't need one, I just want you to sign in for me, please." She requested, pushing a clipboard near her with a sheet of a checklist clipped on it.
Seren grabbed a pen from the cupholder, writing down her name, the time she entered the building, and who she was seeing.
Yoongi kept his hand above her back, periodically rubbing her to let her know that he was there. She always admired his sweet gestures, and how altruistic he was when it came to her times of distress.
"Does he often get visitors?" Seren asked, putting the pen down.
The woman grabbed the clipboard, copying down her name to write her a visitor's pass. "Honestly, no. None that I have seen. Though, when he was first sent here, many journalists and newscasts tried coming to interview him, but we denied their visits."
"Wow, so nobody has ever come to see him since those times?" She asked, almost feeling sorry for Hoseok.
"Nope, not that I know of." She said, handing Seren her visitor's pass. "And this is just so they don't mix you up with any of the patients here, we kind of run a tight ship around here."
Seren smiled a smile that did not reach her eyes, still clung to how he got no visitors from the day he started living in the institution. Who could blame them? Nobody desired to see a man that was sentenced to a psychiatric hospital due to multiple murders, people must have been too afraid to even consider visiting him.
"Alright, I'll go get you someone that will take you to him, I will be right back." She smiled once more before she was off into the door behind her.
"Don't feel bad, Seren." Yoongi whispered under his breath.
"I... I didn't feel bad." She lied turning to him.
He raised his eyebrows, seeing right through her. "Could you for one second not be so concerned about the well-being of others? Especially to him, he doesn't deserve it."
"I know... I do feel a bit guilty." Seren admitted in a whisper.
Yoongi kissed her forehead. "Just remember why you came, okay? This is for you, it's to help you heal." He established, holding onto her elbows.
She nodded. "Yes, I remember."
The door behind the desk opened, revealing the same receptionists from before. "Alright, I called someone over, his name's Isamu, he'll take you around."
Just as she finished her statement, the door to the right of them opened, revealing a taller male with short black hair.
He wore a small smile, nodding to the receptionist. "I'll take them, Peng."
"Oh, it's just going to be Seren for today." Peng informed, her hand motioning to Seren to Join Isamu.
Isamu widened the door for her.
Seren turned to Yoongi, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. "Wait for me, please."
"I'm not going anywhere." Yoongi reassured quietly, watching Seren leave with Isamu.
She gave him one last wave before the door automatically shut behind her, taking her to a new setting of the place.
It was an open space, people dressed in blue scrubs walked around the area with items in their hands. She almost didn't notice the security guard that stood beside the door until Isamu greeted him as a typical friend would.
There were a few round tables, and people dressed in robes and slippers sat peacefully, their eyes were either wandering just like Seren's or focused on one particular thing.
She guessed those were the patients, assuming the large room they were in was likely the main room where patients were able to roam under scrutiny by passing nurses and security. It was well-lit, with large windows providing them with the light of the yard outside.
"Are you a family member of Hoseok?" Isamu randomly asked, leading her into a new part of the building, turning a corner into a hallway with rooms placed on all sides.
She tried looking into the windows, but the speed Isamu had set made it almost impossible for her to have a proper look around the facility.
"Uh, no. We were friends." She partly lied, watching more men and women dressed in white speed down past them.
They were clad in the same attire as Isamu, plain white scrubs.
She wondered what the difference in colors meant.
"Does he stay in one of these rooms?" Seren asked, her eyes scanning the gray doors they passed.
"There are different levels for what the patients are here for. So, he's a bit further down these halls." He informed, nodding to another receptionist.
After passing the first set of rooms, there was a large common area with a reception desk in the middle. Restrooms for men and women were on opposite ends, along with another security guard that stood beside an exit door that likely led to the same yard that she saw outside in the main room past the lobby.
The place seemed to be structured and under careful scrutiny.
"Really?" Seren asked. "Is it to keep them organized, or what?"
"To keep some patients feeling safer, and to also keep things organized, of course." He stated, taking her into a new hallway that looked identical to the one they were just in.
If she was walking alone, she would have thought she was walking into an endless loop, the setting and rooms were all so similar.
"When Hoseok first arrived, we actually placed him further down. Many of the patients didn't feel safe with him here, so we took the extra step into making sure he wouldn't try anything." Isamu continued to speak, his speed gradually decreasing, putting Seren at ease.
"Did he try anything?" Seren asked.
He shook his head. "No, actually. He's been doing quite fine. He's been going to see the psychiatrist we have here, and he even takes his meds like he's supposed to... which many patients forget to do."
For some reason, there was the slightest spec of hope that lit her thrumming heart aflame. She was almost pleased to hear that he was recovering nicely, it was all she wanted for him.
"What about Jack?" She wondered.
"So, Hoseok actually is diagnosed with a split personality disorder. We give him treatment for that, and we also provide him with medication for it."
Seren was taken aback, her eyes widening. "Wow, split personality disorder? Do you guys know how many he has?"
"He has about five... including his own." Isamu recited, having such a shrewd answer to every question Seren had. "We treat many patients here with that disorder, not many are like that. You know, how Hoseok was. It's just a way they react to trauma they may have faced as children."
Seren hadn't even considered Hoseok to have split personality disorder, she wondered if Hoseok knew that himself, and just chose to hide that from her.
"Wow... I had no idea." She mumbled.
"Yeah, some are very similar to each other, but some can be distinct as well." Isamu said, and she was surprised that he even heard her speak.
She looked down at the checkered floor pattern below her, her fingers caught at the ends of her hair as she quietly thought to herself.
Isamu suddenly stopped in front of a singular gray door, peeping inside the clear window.
His eyebrows pierced in confusion, mumbling to himself.
He walked over to the desk in the main room.
"Soomin, where's Hoseok?" Isamu asked the woman at the front desk.
"Oh, he was cleaning the old library with Daewon." She informed, clicking against the mouse.
"How long ago was that?" Isamu continued to ask.
"Probably about twenty minutes ago, they should be back soon. Daewon said it would take them like thirty minutes." Soomin placed a fist beneath her chin. "Why? Was he needed for talk therapy?"
"No, he has a visitor." He informed, signaling to Seren who stood patiently behind him.
Her eyebrows rose, surprised. "Oh, I didn't see that on his schedule today, did she have an appointment?"
"Peng said no." He responded.
"Alright, well Seren," Soomin read her visitors pass pasted onto her chest, "Isamu will take you back to the main room, near the lobby, and we can bring Hoseok over to you after he's come back." She smiled at Seren. "Is that okay with you?"
"Um, yes. That's fine." She was already exhausted from the long walk and now she had to repeat the same steps as before.
"Alright, sorry about that." Isamu apologized, rubbing his lips together. "Why don't we walk back?"
"I'll let Daewon know he has a visitor," Soomin informed, reaching for her walkie that was beside her monitor.
Seren followed in silence this time, too busy plunging into her thoughts rather than strike up a conversion with Isamu. Her therapist told her she didn't have to interact with Hoseok, but on the way to Busan, she decided that she would.
She wanted to hear how things were and how he was being treated, from himself, not from his doctor. The one possibility that worried her was how he would take her visit. Which personality of his would she be greeting? Would her unforeseen visit trigger something in him?
It all sent her into a spiral of doubts, worried she may upset him.
"You can wait at any table, I'll go get him myself. Soomin already channeled Daewon." Isamu stated, leaving Seren at the entrance of the main room.
"Oh, okay. Thank you." She said lastly before Isamu took down the same hallway.
Seren sighed to herself, studying the main room once like before.
There were a bit more patients this time, people in normal clothes sitting across and abreast from the patients in pajamas. Seren chose to sit near the windows in the far corner of the room, keeping her front to the area where Isamu dropped her off.
She scrolled through her phone, answering the messages she had missed from Yoongi.
Yoongi 💗
Did you see him?
Seren
No, he wasn't in his room. The guy brought me back
to the main room that's just behind the door where you're at.
Yoongi 💗
You're gonna wait for him?
Seren
Yeah, it shouldn't be long.
Thank you for waiting, Yoongi.
Yoongi 💗
Of course, no worries.
Be safe.
She smiled at his message.
She set her phone down when she heard a familiar voice omit from the hallway.
She heard Isuma, but she also heard another voice tagging along with him.
She hugged her purse into her chest with her left arm, waiting for the moment Hoseok walked through the entrance.
Waiting for the moment she never thought she would ever experience under her own willingness again.
Isamu was the first to notice her, smiling. "She's right over there." He told Hoseok.
Hoseok's eyes scanned the room, looking for the person that Isamu was staring at.
Once they landed on Seren, his once parted lips shut, and his stare went cold. Seren stiffened in her seat, her lips pressed into a firm line at his sudden change in appearance.
Isamu mumbled something to Hoseok, waving to Seren before he walked down the opposite hallway.
Seren studied his attire, which was nothing but a large plain black shirt and pants. His hair was the same as it was when he had court, short with two strands touching his forehead, the sides were kept tamed as if he somehow was given haircuts in there.
With meticulous and sudden steps, he approached her table.
She almost thought he was going to turn back around when Isamu brought him, contempt with her and the nerve she had to show up to his new home.
But, when she saw the corner of his lip slightly twitch into a small smile, she was relieved.
Relieved that her appearance didn't damage him, or trigger him in any kind of way.
He sat across from her, his dark brown eyes gleaming. "Sen?" Her name left his lips a question, as if he was dreaming, couldn't believe that she was actually visiting him.
His simple nickname brought back a flood of innocent memories.
Seren blinked them away, not wanting to deal with tears of nostalgia at that moment.
"Hi, Hoseok." She greeted quietly, placing a piece of her hair behind her ear.
His lips parted like he wanted to say something, but he was left speechless.
"I-I'm sorry..." He shook his head, shutting his eyes for a brief moment. "I just never thought I'd see you again... not after court." His adam's apple bobbled, nervously swallowing down his thick saliva. "Not after what I did to you."
Seren felt the same.
But, the odd thing was that when he approached her table and invited himself to sit right in front of her, she didn't have an ounce of fear in her body.
She was nervous, yes.
Not fearful for her life, though.
Perhaps it had to the with the fact that they were in public, that there were cameras watching their every move, or maybe the fact that there was a security guard patrolling the area.
Whatever it was, Seren hoped it lingered, needing the courage to converse with him.
She fixed her posture, bringing herself closer to the table with more confidence possessing her body. "I never thought I'd see you again either, Hoseok."
End.