this chapter contains slight references to sensitive contents, there will be a warning before and after the part so those who feel uncomfortable can skip it.
enjoy <3
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I came back to reality with a loud gasp, as if I had been drowning until that moment and finally was able to take a breath after reaching the surface. My heart was beating loudly in my chest, its sound filling my numb ears.
What was that all about? I couldn't truly comprehend what had just happened and what Meihui said seemed... cryptic. It was hard to understand the meaning behind her words, especially in a state like mine.
My shaky respiration slowly started to return to normal after a while, thanks to a few deep breaths and making sure I was holding myself to the ground of reality and not onto another mind dimension. Shortly after I opened my eyes again, the dark living room signalling time had passed by and the afternoon had become night, despite the feeling that time hadn't changed one bit.
His lying figure made me widen my eyes, and I moved closer to him to examine if he was okay. His breathing, or whatever was sustaining his soul, seemed regular, his chest slowly going up and down as his whole body appeared frozen, from the parts that were still visible and not transparent I could, at least, state that.
Minghao seemed to be in a deep sleep in fetal position, his hand still holding onto the picture from before. It reminded me of his younger version, who cried loudly in the silence of that dark place, and I hoped with all my heart he found peace at last. And maybe, he could have brought it to his present self whose soul was broken and still hurting.
Deep in thought, at first I didn't even notice the glowing blue light that mysteriously covered his whole body, making the glass-like limbs sparkle thanks to their reflections. His hair shone with tiny stars which floated around his head, before vanishing and leaving space for new ones.
I was frozen but in awe and confusion: everything happened so fast that my mind was still trying to find a logical path to follow in between dark messages left from his memories and unknown images that still lingered and kept on repeating in my head. Just rethinking what I had just experienced made my heart ache in pain and sorrow.
I did want to tell him the truth, at least the half of it that I knew, but it wasn't my right to do so. Only one person could do it, however, he didn't seem fully ready the last time I had met him: there was an indescribable feeling darkening his eyes, and his voice over the phone wasn't as clear as before; from our call I could hear that something was bothering him to the point of shedding a few tears, even struggling to talk.
He was his only family and Minghao was his only too.
I didn't have the right to unveil such things. I couldn't bring myself to fully commit to that huge responsibility that was Seojun's only.
I was no one compared to what they were to each other: to Seojun I was probably just someone who happened to live with the ghost of his son in his old apartment, which sounded crazy and out of the world thinking about it, and I happened to be stuck in a situation in which the Xu family and what seemed their agents were involved, willingly or not. To Minghao... who was I to him?
A friend? But we barely knew each other despite living together for months. An acquaintance? Most probably yes, and that was almost nothing compared to their bond. I wasn't anything too important to him, just someone who was helping him out and got drawn into his story.... I was a stranger.
My heart stung at that, watching him wasn't helping either as I realised I was only an outsider who needed to keep the necessary distance not to get too attached. Only a person who was giving a hand, that's who I was. That and nothing else.
It was probable he felt comfortable with me just because I could have been able to reach the truth he was seeking, he could have been feeling a connection with me just because I was the one who promised to stay by his side to find more about his past and about what had happened and that pact was the only reason we were staying beside each other.
I needed to realise whatever we had and whatever we were building together between us was going to end, sooner or later. Seeing his condition and his vanishing body was evident proof time was against him and us and the moment he would have disappeared completely was approaching too fast for my liking.
I pursued my lips in a thin line, feeling uneasy at those thoughts. I felt dizzy and my throat tightened as I gazed at his glowing figure once again.
I didn't want him to disappear like that, yet I couldn't do anything about it, it wasn't in my abilities to prevent that. I felt powerless and the unknown future that was approaching scared me.
Right now the only possible next actions were the ones that could let him have answers about his past. And fast.
I got up, glancing at him every now and then in case he came back to his senses, and reached for my bag for my phone. My fingers searched his number and before I knew it, I pressed the call button. Those annoying rings went on and on, but I was too set on our goal to back down now, I had to know and help him in a definite way, giving him the peace he deserved.
The first call reached no one but I had to try again. I waited, leaning on the table as I prayed Seojun would pick up. I let it ring until it reached the voicemail recording and I ended the call.
I huffed annoyed, ready to retry one last time. To my surprise, the screen of my phone lit up, and his name soon made its appearance.
With a lump in my throat, I answered, pressing my phone to my ear while keeping a low voice. "Hello?"
"Miss Y/N" His voice came out hoarse at first, soon returning to normal "Sorry I was sleeping and didn't have my phone at hand..." He did sound sleepy, but more than just simply woken up he sounded exhausted and all the energy had been muted from his tone. "Terribly sorry".
"No need to worry, I should apologise for calling unannounced" I quickly glanced at the clock on my wall, realising it wasn't even 8 pm and feeling sure he didn't seem the type of person who slept that early. "I was calling regarding Minghao, I have a lot more to talk about with you and I'm sure you could have some answers to give us this time". I said briefly, taking a seat at the table, looking at the sleeping figure on the floor.
"I-I see, then, in that case, we could-" He coughed hard before finishing what he was saying "We could meet somewhere, I will come to pick you up if it's okay for you? We should use some more private place to talk about this stuff".
"Tomorrow?" I was surprised he agreed to meet up so suddenly.
"Yes, that should work since I have the day free. I will send you the details of the place and time later once I finish some work" Another sore cough echoed followed by a brief silence. I was about to ask if he was okay but he beat me to it. "I... need to attend to a few things now, I will update you soon, Miss Y/N"
I felt like I needed him to tell me if he was sick, I didn't want him to force himself or overwork himself by adding our meeting on top of his work, yet he already wanted to end the call, not even letting me explain briefly what were the things I wanted to discuss.
"Okay, Seojun. That's okay." I replied conflicted "Please take care, I'll see you tomorrow then".
He hummed gently "Will do, Miss. You too, have a nice evening" and with that, the call ended leaving me sighing out loud. Things weren't getting any clearer and the feeling that I was missing out on something important from the general picture made me feel uneasy.
I pushed my thoughts aside as the blue light radiating from his body was now brighter than before, little sparks surrounding him while he got up slowly. I went up to him and crouched down so that I could look at him at eye level. "You okay? Did you see something new?" I asked.
He looked around at his vanishing body. "I feel okay but I am not, apparently" He met my eyes before continuing "I... saw my old memories from my childhood, I saw my trip to Jeju but a few parts were confused and blurry..." My heart stopped for a second thinking he might have relived the moment with Seojun he had on that vacation.
"I saw that holiday so briefly and too quickly, yet it made me feel content to see my mother and brother happy again after a long time" A soft smile appeared on his face. "Seojun was..." My chest was hurting from how much anxiety I was feeling. He looked lost in thought as he searched for meaning in what he had seen. "I am relieved we had someone so caring beside us during that time" I sucked a sharp breath after I dodged that bullet, but I could feel it would have come back at us later, once all would have come out.
I nodded my head. "He cared for you all, I saw a few parts of those memories too and I'm sure it was a great time between all of you together" My comment made him chuckle
gently under his breath as he nodded, hair bouncing.
I filled him in on what I had seen from our connection, leaving a few details out to prevent him from finding out the truth about his father, a task only Seojun could fulfil. With my explanation, he was slowly connecting what he had missed in his visions, silently glancing at the photo which was still held tight in his hands.
"I also met your mother and your younger self" I mentioned cautiously, managing every word as if I was walking on thin glass. "You were... your past self seemed very upset and heartbroken so I tried my best to console him before your mother appeared. She is beautiful"
I waited for him to say something, anything, and left him all the time he needed to think about what I said until then and what he saw in his memories. His grave expression was making me agitated since I didn't know what to expect.
"Now that I think about it..." He spoke up "I saw you there. I could only see you from afar. I was calling but you weren't replying, not even when you approached the young me. Realising I couldn't do anything to interact with you both I only watched behind that stupid wall that was separating us. I tried with all my might to break it or find a passage but nothing happened, not even when I hit it."
"I think... it might be because of my condition if we can call it that. I am a ghost and you are still alive, so that could be the reason for that barrier which doesn't let me interact with you directly in that place"
"Could it be more ... something that deals with emotions and thoughts? Some sort of mental place in which your feelings are involved?" I asked.
He shrugged, not knowing what to answer. "I honestly don't know, could be since it's a place that appears only when we have an interaction with my memories. It's strange though, I remember in the past I used it as some sort of coping mechanism where I could vent or just be alone with myself, I liked it when I was young, it was like creating my bubble out of this world in which I could find peace and calmness all the time...". He paused "Like when you want to be alone only with yourself, you create your own space in which you can rest. I was distancing myself from reality even for a few minutes just to find peace in that mind bubble"
As he said that, I realised it was indeed a space inside his soul where all the emotions he bottled up had been raging and roaming with no destination for years. It contained so much that he might not have even comprehended completely what kind of turmoil was in it. He was only adding new tiny areas of broken feelings to that infinite puzzle to find a sense to his past, to what happened to him before he turned into a ghost, to put a hold on the old pressure of memories.
He just said he created that bubble for only himself, so part of his mother was there too because he held her so dearly he let the memories of her through his barriers, just to hold onto them a little longer.
If that was how it was, then... Why and how did he let me through? Could he have let down his guard around his broken heart and his mind to let me enter his 'place'? But how could he have trusted me so much, I knew I was the only one he relied his hopes on to find the truth and to help him and that we had been living kind of together for a while, but we knew nothing about each other. He sure was someone special to me, however, I couldn't define that feeling.
He looked at me confused. "Sorry, I was just thinking. We have so many things to figure out..." I quickly answered before he could ask me directly if there was something wrong.
His expression told me he was unsure about my response, but seemed to accept it. "You're right and everything feels so unreachable..." He huffed out looking at his hands.
I waited for a short while before trying to bring back our conversation. "You said you saw me there. Anything else?".
I needed to know if he felt and experienced what I had, the loud noise, the pain, the wind and the darkness. The image of his scared young self crossed my mind for a split second, making my heart ache more only imagining how painful it must have been for a child that age. How much suffering he had to endure.
"I shouted and waved hoping you would notice, but I gave up and watched you from above, observing from the sky. I felt breathless as the me from the past cried, like a part of me had just shattered and got lost in the void"
"Then when you met my mother I... I didn't tell you this before, but when I met her for the first time in my dream, a strange light was going on and off in my chest, an orange flash that appeared this time too. It didn't hurt at first, but after a while when you were talking with her my chest started hurting very bad, a sharp pain stabbing me repeatedly. Last time it felt the same too but she was there to help that time, while now I was left alone, breathless holding my chest to suppress the suffering".
I looked at him, feeling bad for not having been able to help him or notice him. "I guess what you were feeling reflected on the change of atmosphere around me and your mother, like your emotions came to life and surrounded us"
He seemed shocked, his hand grazing softly on his chest area. "It... did?" I was sure he didn't notice at all what we were experiencing.
I nodded explaining what happened, the wind, the strange noises. I held back from giving him pieces of information about the things Meihui said to me, words I still had to comprehend myself, and the specific sounds and all the bad words, only saying they were loud and echoing everywhere. Minghao stayed silent while listening and after he heard what I had to say, placing a hand over his chest with eyes that looked like marbles.
It concerned me that he was not talking, yet I felt like he needed a moment to digest the new information and seeing his mother again, together with his young self. On top of that, him seeing me in his personal 'space' during our connection must have been strange.
That 'space' was difficult to explain or to even understand where it was in time and space, all seemed locked in time and Meihui said it was the safest place in his heart but... it felt like something more.
Something that only one can truly know and can enter, whatever that area is, living in ourselves.
"Then what do we do now?" He asked quietly, almost scared of knowing what would have come next. "I-I am disappearing and every time I think of the past I only meet pain and darkness. I don't know what to do" He shook, wrapping his arms around himself gently.
"I am meeting up with Seojun tomorrow, to talk about the things I found" I told him sincerely.
He was almost taken aback by the mention of that name. "Seojun as in... my past butler and my guardian?".
Now it was my turn to be confused since I didn't know Seojun became his actual guardian, a thing that he never mentioned before. I nodded "Yes, we've already met and talked a few times, about any clue or story of your past he could give, but..."
"But?"
I was about to say Seojun hadn't been completely truthful and honest with me, and with himself, hiding important things from Minghao. He could have met him since he told me he knew of this 'special condition of his' yet he never actually took the chance to ask me to meet his son directly. He never asked me to let him talk to him.
But at the same time, Minghao too could have asked me, or at least mention his guardian, and real father, at any time, asking how he was, if he was doing well and where was he. He never did.
"B-but we felt we needed to discuss more since he might remember more stuff as we talk face-to-face" I naturally explained, giving out a half-truth and a half-lie. "And maybe showing him these things might help him to recollect his memories."
Yet a part of me was scared to trigger something bad and traumatising in Seojun's heart. From my conversation with Meihui a little while ago, something horrible was definitely going on in the family and the kids were involved. Just that thought made me shiver and boil with anger and frustration, my assumption only pointing in one direction, a path I wouldn't wish for any person in their life.
What if he felt too overwhelmed talking about it? What if he didn't trust me enough to tell me certain things? I wasn't even that close with him but he told me he trusted me and I saw through his actions and him wanting to help his son how much he was willing to put his faith in me. It was reassuring to know I could trust a person like that too.
Just, the thought of why he relied on me like that still lingered in the back of my head. I knew there was no ill intention on his part, it only made me wonder, nothing more.
Minghao's eyes went back to the box which was in front of him, his hands tracing the pretty carving on the wooden surface. "Oh..." He tilted his head, not leaving for a second the box "I just got a memory of this object, I think I saw it somewhere, when I was little, in the villa I used to live in here in Korea, with my family. I am sure it was on my mother's vanity or somewhere else... being on her bedside table, she would often open it in secret to look through the stuff in it before closing it and going to bed"
"One day it was gone, I respected my mother's wish not to open it before but I liked tracing my fingers on the flower carvings since they were so well refined and looked like tiny stars. I couldn't find it anymore around the house, but I soon stopped searching for it thinking she might have stored it away" A half-smile danced on his features "Seeing it now... it's strange but also relieving, I am sure it was of great importance to her".
He looked at me before showing me a genuine smile. "Thank you for finding it. It makes me happy seeing this for some reason. It makes my heart ache less".
"I-I'm happy I could help you" I felt relief wash over me, the tension from before vanish when he said that.
After a short while, he placed it in my hands, gently. "I ask you to keep it safe, it's a precious object from my childhood and my mother was attached to it. Please cherish it as something of your own".
My heart fluttered as I looked from him to the wooden box that had just been put on my lap. That meant he truly trusted me, entrusting such an important thing to me made me feel very responsible, not only for the object itself but more for what was inside. He still hadn't looked at everything, the necklace, the letters...
"Are you sure?" I felt the need to make sure he made the right decision, opening its lid and peeking at the various objects. "Since it's so precious you should keep it somewhere you want and on top of that there is still something you haven't checked yet...".
He was silent, his eyes lost their vitality from before and were staring into space, vaguely and like glass. The blue light was still covering his figure but right then it became more strong and more vivid, which didn't go unnoticed. The sudden change in his mood made me realise I was already losing him again.
It seemed like he was returning to that place, that state of mind of conflicting emotions and memories buried under his sorrow.
He noticed my gaze, his eyes meeting mine "I'm fine. I just feel like I'm slowly being detached from myself... strange" He blankly stared first at me and then in front of him, the smile I saw until now was long gone and the joy in his eyes had vanished together with his mood.
I closed the box, putting it aside before scooting over to him, in an attempt of trying to bring his senses to the present him. "What does it mean? What do you feel?" Hopefully analysing his symptoms and focusing on those could make him come back more towards reality.
The answer didn't come immediately, his statue-like figure seemed frozen, slowly blinking and breathing. "I... feel like I'm watching myself... in that dark place from before. It feels cold and lonely, painful" The blue light was now emitting even more tiny sparkles that twinkled and danced around us. "I'm being dragged there... yet someone is there comforting me from my pain but at the same time pushing me away from that area and I..." He furrowed his eyebrows as if a thought crossed his mind. "I feel stuck in between... here and... there"
I immediately thought of Meihui, who was indeed in his mind-place taking care of his inner self. She seemed to have always been trying her best to give him the best reassurings, both in life and in death.
His figure started fading and disintegrating bit by bit in the air. Particles were coming off his body, disappearing shortly after and making space for even more forming.
I looked at him in panic, since there was nothing I could do if not talk.
He glanced at me, frantically reaching out his hands to search for me and that's when I noticed his eyes turned to a grey almost white pearly colour. "Y/N it's scary, it's so dark, I can't see... Y/N?..." He genuinely sounded and looked terrified, shivering with a quiet voice.
I held his hands, which were squeezing mine in fear. "Minghao I'm here, look we can touch again! Can you feel it?" I expectantly put some light pressure on his palm, hoping he would be able to feel it and make him focus on reality.
He was shaking and trembling. "Are you still there Y/N? It's so lonely here, so dark and silent, Y/N". He instinctively held onto me tightly.
I felt a weight in the pit of my stomach, so heavy I thought I was going to pass out. In such a short time he went from blind to deaf too because he was slowly disappearing, or because his condition was slowly worsening before my eyes. That dark place got the best of him right now when his mental state wasn't so stable yet.
I guided his hands on my shoulders, as I wrapped mine around his body, hugging him. Even though he couldn't probably realise it, I wanted to give him all the comfort and support I could, so that maybe, just maybe those tiny actions could help him cope with his sufferings and could buy him some more time before vanishing completely.
His body continued shaking but melted in my embrace, putting his arms around me delicately as his head rested on my shoulder. "It's so dark, I-I want to go back" His voice cracked, full of despair. "Y/N I'm scared, it's cold I don't want to go ...". He started crying, making my heart break into a million pieces.
I caressed his head with affection and as if I had in front of me his younger self, I patted his back just like I did before, hoping his mind would remember the gentle touch of his parents that comforted him when he was little.
His body now started to rapidly disintegrate in sparkles right before my eyes but he still held onto me with all the strength he had left, which wasn't much. "You're here with me, focus on that... please don't disappear like before, all those bad things are gone and are in the past..."
It hurts to know I can't do much about your suffering right now, forgive me.
Minghao seemed to struggle more every second that passed, until his arms unwrapped from around me and his hands let go of my shoulders, falling limp on the ground. I could feel him still 'breathing' slowly, as I continued to hold his exhausted body on me.
He continued to cry, too lost in wherever that was to come back. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." He started to repeat over and over again with a faint voice.
With that, nothing was left for me to hold on to, his figure vanished completely and I grasped the air.
I felt defeated once again, since not being able to get him out of it or convince his mind to calm down after all that time made me sad and mad. I had been trying so hard to stabilise his thoughts both in reality and in there, yet all my efforts seemed useless, I was met over and over again with a giant wall I couldn't destroy. At least by myself.
I was sure he had to make that step, regain himself from the past and move on slowly but steadily, so that he could let himself enjoy a newfound peace and let go of the sorrow which had been weighing him for all those years since he was a child.
I gently grazed the cover of the jewellery box and picked it up, placing it carefully on the table.
He wasn't even able to look at all the stuff inside it. But probably it's for the best, for now, seeing him so distressed was already enough and looking at the other things might have broken him completely.
I couldn't sleep a wink that night, I kept turning in my bed and my thoughts were on a rampage: what happened back there, all the questions I wanted to ask Meihui, Minghao's reaction and his disappearance once again. It made me feel empty and hopeless.
Seojun surprisingly sent me a text while I was having breakfast that morning, saying we should meet up at around 10, he would pick me up in his car and had already picked a place outside the city. I shortly answered him, agreeing with all of that, especially because I didn't want him to retract now that he had the initiative to contact me first to talk.
I took a big bag where I put the box in, making sure it wouldn't flip over or get scratched when moving, and got my personal one, stuffing my phone inside. I prepared myself, wearing something casual and somewhat elegant, but still comfy, and put on very little makeup.
I didn't truly want to get all ready, but it sure distracted me for a while and put at rest the thoughts inside my head that came back as soon as I found myself ready to go, standing in the living room.
I eyed the lilies, a few of them already drying out while the others were leaning all over the place, the grace they once had left their white petals. I caressed them gently, thinking about whatever might be happening to Minghao, shining with a faint blue light that soon disappeared.
In one way or another, he was always present in my thoughts, as I cared for him. The pain on his face distressed me so much, and the only thought of it made my heart clench in apprehension. Was he okay? Did he find a moment to rest since yesterday evening?
I turned away with my eyes closed, picking up the bags, and left the apartment, locking the door behind me. As much as I wanted to wait some more and stay there, I needed to get some fresh air to reorganise my thoughts.
I was early but staying inside only made me even more confused than I already was. I just wanted to talk to Seojun about everything that Minghao and I felt and saw when we connected, what was going on with him and how I can help him to placate his negative emotions. It was just too much to do alone and the fact I couldn't truly talk about it with someone close to me made me even more anxious since I couldn't possibly have a piece of reasonable advice.
A car came down the road, turning around the corner in my direction and I recognised his face once he got closer. He stopped beside the sidewalk, getting out. "Miss Y/N, you're early"
I smiled, bowing down to greet him. "Well, you're early too. I thought we had to meet in 10 minutes". I got closer, noticing his dark circles and how tired he looked; he wasn't even wearing his elegant clothes, a button-up shirt that was wrinkled around the arms and his hair was done more naturally.
He signalled me to get in, opening the door to the passenger seat for me. His hands were trembling as he held the handle and let me carefully in. I glanced at him as he returned to the driver's seat and seemed restless about something, tired and overall agitated.
The car ride was mostly silent, I was the one who tried to spark some casual conversation but I ended up only receiving short replies and brief smiles. I had actually never seen that side of him or him like that, just only the elegant, perfect gentleman that he used to be. It made me uneasy.
He drove for around thirty or forty minutes until the urban surroundings cleared out and we could see the sea in front of us, shining under the sun. Despite being the beginning of the year, seeing such a view almost felt like spring, yet the cold breeze that hit us when we got out brought me back to my senses and I tightened up the coat I was wearing.
"Shall we stop by this cafe? I'm a regular here and we can have a more private table where we can talk." He said, putting one gloved hand in the pocket of his jacket while he offered me his arm, gently letting mine rest on it.
I agreed silently because it seemed to be a better location to discuss in rather than the open.
The waiter inside immediately recognised Seojun, and escorted both of us to a more secluded area on the first floor, leaving us at our small round table which faced the beautiful sea-side view. My eyes were glued onto it, to distract my mind from what I had to say and what he might had to explain.
We silently took our seats, looking through the menu and ordering something to drink. Both of us were hesitantly waiting for one of us to start the conversation, to just talk. It had been quite a while since we had seen each other face to face, it wasn't weird at all, but from my perspective, there were still a lot of secrets and hidden things from the whole picture I wasn't involved in. And at the same time, there were so many questions I wanted to ask but I was scared he would retreat to his shell once more if I said something over the line.
Only after our drink had been served and the waiter left, he started talking. "I... I'm very sorry Y/N, it wasn't my intention to disappear like that and leave you hanging. I should have at least called or sent you a message, yet we were only able to hear briefly from each other during the holidays... I feel like I have to apologise" He suggested a bow with his head, which I immediately stopped gently.
"No need for that, you're always so thoughtful and very polite, this is nothing you have to apologise for. I guess we have both been busy with our things since we had our last call before the New Year that our minds needed some rest, from what we are trying to help with".
Seojun lowered his gaze to his drink, slowly nodding in agreement with what I had said. "Yeah, you're probably right" He paused, closing his eyes right before he rubbed them. "It has been hectic recently, my mind can't seem to catch a break recently and my nights are getting longer each day".
"Not sleeping well because of work?"
He snorted and paused without meeting my eyes and now playing with the cup in his hands. "You could say that..."
Then everything returned like when we had just sat, with no one talking, but with a certain tension in the air. He looked exhausted and less careful with his movement from our last meeting. If then he was always fixing his posture and his actions were composed and calculated, now he let himself arch his back a little over the table while resting his arms on it, his whole appearance made him look more natural and what seemed like his true self, rather than the image of the perfect butler I had previously met.
I glanced at him once more before breaking the silence. ''Seojun, we need to talk about Minghao''. I noticed his jaw clenching before he turned to look at me. ''Since the last time we met up, Minghao and I connected again and this time it was more powerful and confusing. I also found a few things that you might recognise.'' I turned around and got out from my extra bag the wooden box, carefully placing it in front of him. One thing at a time, I had to tell him what changed since we had last seen each other.
For a short while he froze, staring at it, and then he proceeded to hold it in his hands, caressing the top and the carvings. There was something in his gaze that wasn't there before: care, gentleness, love. ''Where did you find this?'' But his voice was tinted with a certain sadness, the type you can't describe and can't find a reason for, and at first I thought he was just mumbling between himself.
''I was looking around the bedroom for something that could help Minghao and when I reached my wardrobe I found it inside. At the back, there was some sort of wooden panel and behind there was a hole, that's where I found it; Minghao told me it was Meihui's so I thought you could tell me more about it''.
''About the box itself? Well...''
''That and what's inside'' I specified immediately.
Seojun looked surprised at my quick response and started to explain. ''It was Meihui's, yes. She saw this at a market on a trip we took together, in Jeju, years before she had Junseo and when we were still together; her attention kept going to it even if her gaze shifted between the myriad of wooden objects."
"I gifted it to her when she gave birth to Minghao, the month before I had a business meeting there and luckily they were still selling it. She kept on going on about how I didn't have to buy it for her since she already had enough gifts coming from me, but despite that her happiness was clear'' He smiled, putting a hand on the lid without opening it ''Meihui was so fond of it that she wouldn't let anyone touch it, not even her children, not even me. She once told me that she was storing her most precious memories and things in it. She was so secretive all the time when she was around it, no one could really understand the reason behind such behaviour, but I could see something was going on which I never fully comprehended though''.
It seemed strange how the woman who loved him was careful not only with the staff and the young children, but also around him.
''I guess now I should look inside?'' He peered at it, hesitating whether or not to actually do it.
I wanted to suggest if I could help to go through the stuff inside it, but a part of me yelled that he had to do it alone, for himself. And I did that: I sat and watched him slowly unsealing it, his hands taking hold of the photos placed inside.
There was some commotion in his gaze, a soft smile forming on his face. ''She was so free and joyous during that stay that I hoped with all my heart she would get better for the best. Her body was slowly recovering and the time spent with her children was giving her the mental strength she had forgotten a long time ago. It made me expect, but most importantly she started hoping again. There was the sparkle that had started to fade since her first son was born and was completely gone with her second one, but maybe we were too optimistic back then'' He gave me a sympathetic look, taking a deep breath.
I knew what he was referring to without him needing to explain. ''I think she still lived those days and her last years at her fullest knowing she had you by her side and two kids that brought her joy''.
''I hope so, it felt like all our worries were so far away and we could finally breathe. She wasn't controlled, and the kids weren't anxious but just full of vitality, I was content and at peace as if we had never been separated, as if all that had happened until that moment was just a bad dream. I would often look at them and feel in my heart that was all I had ever wished for, and I still want to protect that kind of happiness'' He wiped away a tear that had escaped his left eye, hiding his face by turning away from me. ''Ah... this is embarrassing. I'm sorry you have to see me like this, miss Y/N''.
I shook my head. ''No need to be embarrassed or sorry, it's normal to feel emotional over the past and the people you cherish the most'' My words seemed to put him at ease. ''I want you to take your time to go through the box and tell me if there is anything I must know''.
Seojun must have seen the hint of determination behind my words because he nodded in response, going back to the photos. He looked at the black and white photo, explaining the little girl in it was Meihui herself back in her hometown. He scrolled through all the photos from their trip to Jeju until he found himself in front of the square polaroid, the one I had seen before, with Minghao and Meihui.
The faint smile he had until that moment disappeared, and a lost and nostalgic expression took its place. He was so focused he didn't seem to notice his hunched back over the table, leaning on one side, or his hair being messed up by his fingers before said hand covered his chin, which rested on top of it. Without me having time to notice it, his tears spilt silently one after another. Seojun remained immobile like that, and only after a solid minute, he came back to his senses from his state and placed the photo down, wiping his face quickly.
''Seojun...''
''It's okay miss Y/N, you don't have to worry at all. I just need a second to recompose myself''. He tried to reassure me everything was fine but I could clearly see how distressed he was and how he just bottled everything inside without expressing what he was thinking. Just like a certain someone.
He fixed his shirt and pullover, clearing his throat: ''Sorry, I didn't know I would find such content in this box, and this photo...'' The last words came out almost choked, such emotions he was feeling.
I wished he would open up more to me, that he would share his emotions to lighten his heavy burden, but that wasn't the case. ''Seojun, take a moment if you need it...'' I told him but he just shook his head gently, his hand patting mine to tell me he wanted to go on.
''This was taken the day before she passed away'' I felt my chest tighten, understanding now why he had such a reaction, and the reason Minghao broke down the moment before we connected again. The thought of him vanishing in my arms made my heart sting and I hoped he would be okay once I returned home.
''She insisted on leaving Minghao be, as he climbed her bed in the hospital, while I insisted that he and I could sit in the chairs beside it. He wouldn't stop crying that night and seeing him peacefully resting in her fragile arms made me wonder once again if she would get better. She looked fine and was all smiles that night, despite the medicines she took''.
''But the next evening she wasn't. All went downhill too fast for my liking, it was like the world was collapsing on us and I couldn't do anything. And then I started thinking if I was too selfish to her, if I did something wrong that put her in more pain than she already was. She always told me there was this torment in her that wouldn't let her rest, that even after the most beautiful day would eat her inside''.
-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-
✧ Third person pov
TW !
Seojun loved her more than anything else and promised to always be by her side. Since he started to fall in love with her he prayed he would always see her smile, he patiently waited for the day to turn beautiful when she looked at him and only wanted the best for her being.
But he could see something changed in her after her whole life had been turned upside down.
The first signs he clearly took in were after Junseo was born: she was happy to finally see her first son healthy in her arms but she struggled to manage her emotions when the maids in charge during that period took him, growing him up until around one year old or so, and when the doctor said she couldn't take part of any ice skating competition and training for an undefined period of time, she seemed lost. Meihui had become more distracted and absorbed in her thoughts when she wasn't with Junseo, she was still herself but a part of her wasn't at the same time. They were living together, eating together and spending time together, but she was restricted to engage in any activity with him, the maids saying it was for her health and her recovery.
While fulfilling his chores as a butler, Seojun always tried to talk to her, remaining unfortunately formal and professional since there were often people around, or give her reassuring looks full of love from a distance, at which she would smile briefly but fondly so that no one could notice.
During those years she seemed okay and her state seemed to improve a lot, her body was reacting well and gaining strength while her moods appeared to return quite stable. But despite that she complained to Seojun about a void in her chest that was tormenting her, she struggled to explain it but soon dismissed it as tiredness and fatigue, saying she just needed some rest. Her heart filled with joy every time Junseo could spend time with her and when finally they were free to live freely together things started to look up again. She looked so graceful and her eyes showed the beautiful light Seojun treasured. Or so he thought.
She started taking antidepressants on top of her medicines and he noticed, once the day turned to evening, how her body was slowly giving out and her mind seemed elsewhere, far away from reality.
Meihui and Seojun were always together at every opportunity the head of the family was away and they were free to meet secretly. It was apparent she needed him a lot, as much as he did too, especially to support her mentally. She suffered living a life she didn't want, and Seojun suffered with and for her. They were slowly descending hand in hand the path of darkness from where Seojun was desperately trying to hold her back.
When Minghao was born, her body started to give out even more together with her mental health. She was an amazing and caring mother for both Junseo and Minghao, doing whatever she could not to let her fragilities show and reflect on them. Her only thought was to give her children the best memories of her and their times together since she didn't want them to remember her as sick or weak. Meihui strained herself carrying them in her arms or taking part in their activities, and, as a result, she struggled to hide her pain.
The medicines had become stronger around the time Minghao started elementary school and she often had to stay at a clinic or a hospital for check-ups and overnight monitoring. Seojun at first sneaked out alone to go stay with her for a few hours, and that's when her thoughts and feelings were shared with him for the first time through tears.
Her world had become dark, too dark for her liking and her thoughts were always all over the place, she blamed herself for not being strong enough and for not being able to heal fast for her kids. "I'm too tired, Seojun, I'm too tired of all of this" she started explaining to him.
He realized he was losing her fast, not only physically because of the cures and medicines, but also and especially mentally. Seojun had never thought her heart could hurt so much to that point. He had never imagined under a beautiful soul were growing such feelings of giving up and ending it. How did he not notice sooner?
She confided to him she was feeling reassured to have him beside the children, she felt that just like her he would have done his utmost to protect little Junseo and Minghao. And he did for sure. Yet Seojun felt deep down he hadn't been able to protect her and that him holding her back from that void added to the pain she was feeling.
He wondered every night if he was being selfish by doing so. His mind was always busy thinking that maybe, if he truly loved her so much, he had to let her go. He had her trust, her comfort and her heart. Then why was he unable to release her hand from his and to believe their love would have lasted even after she wasn't before his eyes anymore?
Meihui saw how restless he was, even if he wasn't declaring any of it through words. And she too felt guilty for not saying anything about it earlier, to put a stop to his turmoil. But her heart knew he would have understood sooner or later the answer to his questions. And he did, years later.
Seojun felt contrasting feelings for a long time after her death, he blamed himself but at the same time knew there was nothing more he could have done, and the only reassurance he had were her words that told him he did an amazing job every day and her whispered 'i love you's every time they spent the night together. His broken heart kept on healing while holding onto their promise to be always there for each other, to cherish and take care of their forbidden love.
At first he was convinced that as long as he could see her, their fondness for each other would keep on burning and shining, but when all changed and he lost her, he was disorientated, like a lonely man in the dark ocean with nothing around if not water. Now that his most bright star was gone, where was he supposed to go? What was he supposed to do?
He couldn't tell her how much he cared for her, or how much he loved her, he couldn't hold her hand when she needed him. He was a man with such a burning passion and feelings but without his person to share them with.
So, how was he going to show his love for her now that she wasn't there beside him anymore? Seojun asked himself those questions countless times, with no answers.
Then someone came to his rescue without him noticing it and his world started to become clearer and his mind was slowly acknowledging the truth to his question. On one side he had Junseo who, since he was older than his brother, could comprehend slightly better his emotions and their shared feelings, on the other he had young Minghao, whose curious eyes distracted him from the pain.
Seojun could look at the sky at that moment and feel a sense of relief in his heart he believed he would have never felt again. He understood that deep down, despite not having her around, he could see her in them, in their faces, in their laughs and their cries. He couldn't of course share his thoughts with them as he could do with Meihui, but just the sight of them in front of his eyes made the love he cherished bloom over again. Their love continued to live on.
The once never-ending days regained a new meaning for Seojun, and secretly, sincerely and wholeheartedly he found a new strength in himself and a new warmth in them.
He made a new promise, between himself and his late love.
''Until we meet again, whenever that day is, I will love them despite anything as much as I love you, my dear''.
-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-
TW end !
✧ Y/N pov
It was my turn now to wipe away the tears that trickled down my cheeks. My throat was tight with emotions I couldn't quite comprehend; hearing him talk about her and how fond he was of her filled my heart in a special way. I could understand in a way how he had felt at that moment. I had lost my father and it was very hard at first to adapt to life without him, my mind was always occupied by thoughts about him and our memories together. It was sure true that time healed my scars and now I look back with a new grown sense of my grief.
''I wonder what she was thinking when she was holding our son that night, when she knew her time was inevitably coming. Was she happy? Was she sad, angry, frustrated?'' He spoke, placing the photo in the pocket of his jacket, patting it. '' I could always tell what was going on in her head, but that day I wasn't sure, I couldn't quite say what her thoughts were about. Do I regret not saying anything more to her?'' It seemed like she was directing those words more to himself than to me ''My heart is healed now and the love we planted years ago is still blooming beautifully, so I hope she sees this''.
I smiled, holding his hand with extreme care and giving him a reassuring squeeze. ''I'm sure she feels it more than anything. Both yours and her sons' feelings''. He returned my squeeze with a firm grip.
Seeing him still lingering on those memories, I thought I would help him out with the rest of the things that were still inside the jewellery box. I reached for the letters, the three written pages, and the white envelope I didn't open last time. ''You should check these out, maybe something comes to your mind. Did you write them?'' I passed them to him and his eyes widened, brushing and analyzing the pages with extreme care.
''I didn't write them but Meihui did, that same night. After Minghao fell asleep and I managed to move him beside her without waking him up, she asked me for some paper and a pen. I gathered them and offered her the little wooden table provided beside the bed and, to my surprise, she silently started to write, sparing me only a few glances. She was struggling to hold the pen by herself and the ink kind of made a mess.'' He said remembering that day ''I offered to help her, but she didn't want to, saying that since she was writing in Chinese I wouldn't have been able to do much. I wondered why she wouldn't just write in Korean, but, well, the chance to ask her never came again''.
His gaze then met mine. I was waiting patiently to receive a positive answer from him that we could understand what was written in them.''Miss Y/N, I'm terribly sorry but I don't know Chinese, I only know a few words but nothing more.'' I sighed as he handed me the papers back, his own body sinking in hopelessness.
Maybe I had to ask Minghao to help me translate it, so we could discover their content, yet I immediately discarded that thought. What if it was something not intended to be read by him? Maybe Meihui wrote those to herself or to someone close? And I froze at the hypothesis of those pages containing sensitive content that could trigger Minghao. As much as I wanted to gather information about his past to help him regain control of his memories, I certainly didn't want him to disappear again like before or, worse, vanish completely. Plus, what if he got angry at me? Then what would we have done? I had to be careful.
I asked Seojun if he knew if Minghao or someone else knew Chinese. ''Minghao is good at speaking it but he never truly learned how to read it, or I'm sure he doesn't remember how to do it well with all the years that passed and with his passions changing. Junseo might actually be the one but...'' He paused pondering hard ''I'm not sure if I want to ask him directly, let alone confront him about those. I still do work for the family but it's hard for me to speak with him''.
Then what were we supposed to do at that moment? I could translate them by myself together with Seojun but it would have been impossible, since I didn't know how to write the language, and using a translator to analyze the letters from a photo was a gamble: yes, I would have it all translated, but I was sure the result wouldn't have been what I wanted and it would have definitely given me confusing sentences full of errors and wrong words, and the smudges and scribbles on the pages wouldn't have helped at all.
Asking someone was a risk too: I had those men in black still watching not only me but Seojun, most probably also the guys, and who knows who else they were controlling. That wasn't an option either. I didn't know Junseo personally and I had never met him. Seojun had a hard time talking to him from what he told me, maybe because of something between them or work-related.
We became silent, conflicted about what to do, and it was apparent neither of us had an idea of what to do with these letters. ''What about this? Oh...'' His eyes darted at the box, where the pendant was slightly shining under the lights of the cafe. He picked it up, eyes widening as if he had seen a ghost.
''Seojun? Is everything okay?'' I asked, curious about his reaction.
He let it slide between his fingers which traced the strange carving on the cube on the silver necklace, twirling it around as he observed it for a long time, without saying anything. ''I've seen a similar one before, it had the same pattern but was coming out of it'' I moved my gaze between his face and the object dangling between us two.
He furrowed his eyebrows as he thought hard about where he had seen it, and then something seemed to cross his mind. ''This was Meihui's, I am sure of it. I-I don't know what this is exactly but, I remember it'' He seemed half excited and half nervous about his discovery, probably content to have something of her to hold onto. ''She didn't wear it all the time, only on special occasions or on certain days. Just like the box, this seemed so extremely important to her that she wouldn't let anyone touch it and who knows where she stored it when she wasn't wearing it''.
His indications made me wonder what that pendant was, and if it was really just a regular necklace at all. Maybe something passed from generation to generation in her family? A simple decor to wear? But the carving seemed interesting and created for something more than just being a pattern on a jewel.
Seojun squeezed it in his palm, bringing his fist to his forehead, eyes closed in silence. ''She told me once, and I remember it so vividly as if it was yesterday, that this tiny object would have come in handy one day and I am still wondering what she meant with that'' He looked at it one last time and placed it on my palm, closing my fingers. ''I will try to remember where I have seen something similar and will do my research on it. In the meantime, I want you to treasure it, can you?''.
I felt the warmth of his skin melt away all my worries and only enforced my will to help. ''I will. I also promised Minghao to take care of the box, since it was so important to him and now to you too. Until we find the truth, I will keep it safe''.
He nodded his head seeing my determination. ''You remind me so much of her...'' He murmured as he relaxed on his seat, sipping the now cold drink we had ordered when we got here.
The pause in our conversation wasn't awkward at all and there was no tension whatsoever. It was purely meant to settle down all that we had discussed about and to think over the emotions that had emerged.
Despite not being able to find much out of those objects, I had a feeling we could still get something from them, but we needed Minghao, or someone else. He was my and our only option for now. He was his only option.
I stared at the box, caressing the flower carvings gently, hoping it would give me an idea of what to do. I had to find a way into his memories that wouldn't hurt him, but I knew, no matter how much I wished for it, he had to deal with his distress. Just, if there was another way, a secondary option we could use for the time being, which wouldn't involve his emotional state too deeply directly.
If not using his powers first-hand, what other option was there? I wasn't sure there was any, the type that didn't necessarily need him to see past memories and events through his energy. Simply thinking about something connected to him, like we used to do while we relied on his abilities, wouldn't have been strong enough without his presence there.
I just needed something with the same nature as him, something coming directly from him for it to have any power-like nature, whatever that was. Or maybe something Minghao had a connection with.
I noticed too late Seojun talking about something, completely missing the topic he was covering as I was too immersed in my thoughts. But my mind was too occupied to follow what he was saying, while looking outside. My hands carefully opened the jewellery box again, focusing on its content.
Then it struck me. The lilies, the necklace, and his diary could help us. Even the letters would have been useful.
Why didn't I think about it before? The flowers had indeed a faint trace of blue light, the one from his body.
Our eyes met and Seojun looked at me confused, becoming aware of how distracted I had been until that point.
No matter how unsure I was about the idea I had in mind, we could at least try it. "Seojun, I want to try something". Determination took a hold of me. "It might be a crazy idea and maybe pointless too, but I want to try it".
I couldn't hold on anymore, I felt like I had to do something right in that moment without wasting any more time thinking and scrambling about. Minghao was vanishing more every second that passed.
"Y/N, what is it?" His question came out so gently I thought I was dreaming. "What's going on? Did something happen?"
I began to question myself over and over again before speaking, wondering if what I was going to propose to him could have genuinely concerned him. Even scared him. But it was not the time to lose my will which was slowly building itself inside me, yet a part of me was nervous about whatever my decision would lead us to. All of us and not just me and Seojun.
"Y/N? Is something the matter?".
"I think I might have a way to search for more answers, directly from you and not just from Minghao. You might not remember everything connected with these objects and some memories of the past could be fogged so... I want you to see them and let me know if there is anything of importance that he, not only me, should know".
Seojun froze behind me, right as I said that. I noticed his conflicted expression. He didn't speak a word after my declaration and I thought that might have been the end of our conversation. Another abrupt halt.
Then he saw me again, eyes wrapping mine in a soft and warm embrace. It felt like my breath got stuck in my throat, strangling me on the spot. I sent a silent prayer his way, hoping we would have listened to what I had in mind. I had questions for him, I wanted to know about the past and Minghao.
"I don't know Y/N... How would you even do that? How would that be possible?''. The hesitation from his side was clear.
I straightened in my seat, gulping down the lump in my throat. ''I will explain everything to you on the way back. Let me try this and if at the end it's not doable then...''.
''Y/N, I-I don't understand, this is- ''.
''Seojun, please, trust me. Minghao doesn't have much more time to wait for answers''.