It's a known fact that thinking is dangerous. Thinking can be good. But it can also be the worst thing you do. Even worse depending on your circumstance. For Haechan, thinking after any sort of conflict is the worse possible thing can do.
But how do you turn off your thoughts?
How do you turn off your feelings? The scenes stuck in your head, playing over and over again as the words tattoo themselves across your heart.
And in them, the pain.
If you're already miserable and crying as much as you possibly can, you don't think it can get much worse. But then something makes you remember that everything, no matter what it is, can always get worse.
I deserve this
If I'd been nicer to that boy about that game in second grade and thought his feelings
If I had a better attitude
If I wasn't so sassy
If I knew how to joke without being mean
If I hadn't gotten upset over that game in first grade and made that girl cry
If I hadn't been such a jerk in fourth and fifth grade
If I hated called the boy an asshole in sixth grade
If I wasn't so sarcastic
If I didn't try to use Jisung
If I was nicer to my siblings
If I never overreacted about the computer in the library with my dad
If I was friendlier
If I was nicer to Jisung when we met
If I hadn't been mean to Jaemin
If I was nicer to Jeno
If I hadn't hurt people
If I was better
Maybe none of this would've happened if I was better
I deserve this
Haechan truly doesn't know how much pain he's supposed to take, how many times he's supposed to feel a piece of his heart break off and disintegrate. He's always thought he deserves this, even before he was made to feel like things were always his fault, but how long does it take to make up for it? Sometimes he wonders if this really is worth everything he's caused. Everyone says it's not, but he can't tell.
He admits he's better, but how much more is he supposed to improve?
Tears rush down his face, blurring his eyesight while all these thoughts became a jumbled mess in his mind.
He wants to text Jisung, but he knows that no one will ever make him feel better right now besides Jaemin. Haechan wants him to take his time, he does, but he hates that it means staying away from him. He knows it's his own fault, he's been thinking since that day Jaemin was led out of his apartment, and temporarily, his life.
When he can get enough control over himself to be able to see his phone screen (decently enough), he texts Jisung.
Cookie🍪
Cookie🍪
Jisung
Jisung
Hi my Cookie
Cookie🍪
I can't do this
I didn't mean to hurt Jaemin. I know
it's my fault but how long do I have
to pay for it?
I miss him
I miss him more than I've ever missed
someone and I wish he would come
back
I'm sorry for everything I ever did, I
just want to hug him again
Jisung panics at the texts, them being a clear indicator of his friends mental state. Since he can only do one thing at a time, he chooses to text Haechan first. Unfortunately, he's not sure he's gonna help.
Jisung
You don't have to pay for it
You didn't mean to and that's enough
Jaemin will come back
Cookie🍪
What if he doesn't?
I'm not a good person
I've been so horrible, made so
many mistakes
Jisung
Do you think I'm a good person?
Cookie🍪
Of course I do
Jisung
I've beat people up, made them bleed,
and wanted them in the hospital, I shut
out one of the people that means the
world to me, I wasn't all that nice to
Jeno and Mark when I first got to know them, I literally almost played with someone's feelings for my own benefit
and completely dismissed how much it would hurt him
And I did that someone I love more
than anything
Do you still think I'm a good person?
Cookie🍪
I didn't know all of that
But I don't think you're a bad
person
Jisung
Then why do you treat yourself as
if you are?
Why are you so convinced you
deserve this?
Cookie🍪
Cause if I didn't, why am I
experiencing all this pain?
I must've did something
If the same bad situation keeps
happening, aren't you supposed
to consider that maybe you're
the problem?
Jisung
Can I ask you a question?
Cookie🍪
Sure
Jisung
Are you sure you don't wanna see a
therapist?
I know things got better when you
moved out but that only did so much
And you're in charge of you so you
don't have to worry about your mom
any more
Cookie🍪
Sometimes I think about it
But I don't always need it
Jisung
What about texting therapy?
Cookie🍪
That was my first thought
But Jisung, do you remember
your reasons for wanting to
stop therapy?
Jisung
Yes but which reason are you
referring to?
Cookie🍪
Dependency
And I can manage
Not well but I can do it
My want for a therapist went
down by a lot when I got
away
But I might look into it if I really
think I should
Can you promise me something?
Jisung
What?
Cookie🍪
That you'll think about it too
I know you don't want to and
that's okay but please promise
that you won't ignore yourself
Jisung
Okay, I promise
Cookie🍪
Hey my love....
Jisung
Yes Cookie?
Cookie🍪
Can we call or something?
If you're not busy
Jisung
Of course
➳
"How are you so good at this?" Jaemin asks, trying to look up at Jungwoo.
"Videos. I find them interesting and I think makeup is pretty. I would've told you that sooner but I don't think there's ever been a reason to bring it up."
"It wouldn't have been because of me", Jaemin says quietly, eyes shifting down to his lap. "I was careful."
Jungwoo gently lifts his chin and slight squishes his cheeks. "Now you can relax a little bit, hm?"
"Just a little."
"How's it going?"
"I can't not think about him. It becomes the most obvious when I try to hangout with more than one person and neither of us are able to ignore the presence missing. I won't even do some things because he's supposed to be with us. Why does this feel like a breakup?"
"Breaks do not equal breakups."
Jaemin nods softly. "Haechan screamed about that once. Everyone in his book was stupid and made him angry."
"Stupidity would make people angry. Anything else?"
"I made a list. It's of...everything that hurt. I responded to some of them, just trying to get my feelings out. Sometimes, I still think it's weird."
"What is?"
"That I like Haechan. Well, am in love with him. He's great, but I started liking him before all of this so I don't know why."
Jungwoo doesn't respond right away, not sure what to say or if Jaemin is even finished with the thought. When a minute passes, he decides to speak. "Is there more to that?"
"What do you mean?"
"What made you decide to mention that it's weird you're in love with him? Besides normal confusion. I think whatever you're talking about, you're bringing up for a reason."
"I don't know", Jaemin admits honestly. "I think there is something but I don't know what or why."
Jungwoo thinks on it for a little longer, eventually coming up with theories, none he wants to mention to Jaemin right now. His friend is already thinking so much, he doesn't wanna add on by possibilities.
Jungwoo finishes off by applying lipstick to the boys lips and then applies gloss once the lipstick dries. He smiles at his pretty friend, also admiring his work.
"Done!"
Jaemin smiles at his reflection and then turns to face Jungwoo. "Thank you."
"You're so cute. Anytime, boo."
"What are you gonna wear?"
"What's wrong with this?"
"Woo", Jaemin says sternly.
"Yes, yes, I have to put in effort, I know."
"At least don't wear sweats."
"What if I looked cute in sweats?"
"You don't look bad right now. Just...match my level of...attire. I don't know how to say that."
"Can I ruffle your hair?" Jaemin nods and tilts his head forward so Jungwoo can gently ruffle his hair. He kisses the top of his head before telling him,"I won't take too long."
Jisung❤️
Jisung❤️
Hi Loveeeee
Jaemin
Hi Jisung
Jisung❤️
How are you?
And what are you doing?
Jaemin
I'm alright. I'm currently waiting
for Jungwoo to get dressed so we
can go on a "date"
He did my makeup
Jisung❤️
I didn't know he could do
makeup
Jaemin
Me either
How are you?
And what are you doing?
Jisung❤️
I'm alright, just thinking
Okay, can I ask you a question?
Jaemin
What?
Jisung❤️
Please share your honest opinion
so nothing like "if you want to/if
you think so". I wanna know what
YOU think
Jaemin
Okay
Jisung❤️
Does it seem like I should start
seeing a therapist again?
I don't exactly want to and I
don't think there's anything
different with me but I've just
been thinking about it lately
Jaemin
Ji, there's not really way a way to
"seem" like you need a therapist. I
know we all think of it based on the
severity of our struggles but we all
need therapy at one point or another
for one reason or anything
And to my knowledge, there's been
nothing that's made me wanna suggest
you going again but I do think that if anyone else has said or you even think
you do then maybe you should
Jisung❤️
That makes sense
It's just so hard
I hated depending on my
therapist and there were times
when I felt like she was judging
me and we'd make plans and I'd
try but I couldn't stick to
everything
I felt like I was failing at therapy
Jaemin
Sungie, no. You weren't failing at
therapy. I'm not sure how you do that
actually, but I know you weren't doing
that. You were trying. Everything you
do is you trying and you should be so
proud of yourself for that like I'm
proud. Things are hard for you so of
course it's gonna take time for you to
be able to do things the way you were recommended to. I'm sorry your
therapist made you feel like she was judging but I don't think everyone
would do that and there are different
kinds of therapy if you didn't like that
one
I'll aways be here for you. I love you
so much
Jisung❤️
Thank you, I needed that
I'll always be here for you as
well and I love you so much too,
Love
➳
"You never know how much you love somebody until theyre gone."
But I know now, Haechan thinks. So can't he come back?
He continues hurting himself with the quotes, making himself feel even more guilt.
He can't believe there was ever a time he didn't want Jaemin in his life. But he got karma because it's so fucking painful without him.
And maybe these quotes are right, maybe he really didn't think he would lose Jaemin. Which would, once again, serve him right.
God, he just wishes he could make it up.
He can't control his feelings and he can't magically be in love with Jaemin, but maybe if he'd shown love more, if he'd realized, if he'd tried harder, if he did everything he should've done the first time, maybe they wouldn't be on a break right now.
There's not much of a limit to the things Haechan would do for Jaemin to come back and for things to be okay.
His ridiculing thoughts come back and he lets them. He lets them take over his mind and sink him into the negativity everyone hates about him so much.
You should've paid attention to him in high school
Maybe if you'd realized your feelings sooner, this wouldn't have happened
Maybe if you weren't so caught up on messing with Jisung, you wouldn't noticed him instead
You don't deserve to have him love you
You don't deserve to be loved
"Stop", he says aloud in between sobs.
But the thoughts don't stop. They never really do. They only take pauses and breaks before they start all over again, running for twenty-four hours every single day. The only difference is that the thoughts aren't always the same. As the male gets older and more things happen, more possibilities and more truths appear blending the old with the new, nothing ever truly disappearing.
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
It's in this moment that Haechan realizes exactly how much he has to apologize for. And probably the closest he's ever been to understanding how Jaemin feels whenever he apologizes for anything. And then he wonders.
Does Jaemin feel all this guilt?
Does he always feel this responsibility?
Is he always this worried?
Does he feel trapped in his mistakes and the thought that he can never fix it?
If Jaemin does feel those things, it doesn't make sense.
I should be the one constantly apologizing, not him
I should be the one hurting over someone not loving me the same way, not him
Haechan wishes it was him. He wishes he could remove all of Jaemins pain, even if he kept his. He'd continue to crush his own heart if it meant that no one else had to be hurt.
Because he can't punish himself enough, he looks through his phone for every trace of Jaemin he has. Every picture, every video, and every text. His heart feels like it's being strangled as he struggles to breath calmly through his wailing. The constant tears blue his vision, leading him to drop his phone to the floor as he slumps to the ground and continues giving up a tear for every piece of his heart that's shattering.
He misses Jaemin, he misses him so much.
And if he can't have him, he doesn't wanna be alone. But Jisung feels too far and he's probably too busy, same as Taeil. Same as anyone. It feels so lonely, so fucking lonely.
He howls out in desolation, wishing someone, anyone, would come rescue him from his thoughts. Even if he doesn't deserve it, he wishes someone would pretend to love him.
Jaemin, Jisung, I miss you
I miss you
Come to me, please
Sorrow overwhelms him, eventually lulling him to sleep, leave him passed out on his living room floor.
➳
"Jisung-"
"How could I have done that?"
"Jisung-"
"I've never felt so horrible."
"Jisung", Chenle says, trying to catch his pacing boyfriend and stop him from further panicking. "You're with him now. He's not mad."
"No, he probably is."
"Jisung-"
"He went through some of the hardest times of his life alone, Lele!" Jisung bursts out, tears springing to his eyes. "I was never there to help him. It's so fucking hard to help yourself. I promised him that I'll always be there for him, but I still can't do that!"
"Yes, you can", The pinkette says sternly, looking into his boyfriends eyes. "He's not alone. The fact that you're like this shows how determined you are to be there with him. You had no way of knowing what the hell was happening before you went there, okay? Like I don't always know what's happening with you before it starts showing on the outside. Jisung, anyone in the world can see how much you love him. That's all he ever wants you to do, love him. Please stop freaking out, especially when he hasn't said anything to you."
Jisung nods. "You're right."
"Now, go lay down and cuddle him before he does find something to be upset about."
Jisung mirrors his boyfriends smile and disappears back into the room where his best friend is sound asleep, drowning underneath the covers. He slides in next to him and pulls the boy against his chest. Seeming to be just as asleep as before, Haechans hands move up to grasp the front of his best friends shirt, confirming that Jisung won't go anywhere.
Chenle watches them from the doorway, finding them adorable, but also feeling worried.
Ten
Chenle
Hey
Ten
Hey Lele
How are you?
Chenle
Uh, mostly fine. I just wanna see
something so can you please put
me in a gc with you, Jungwoo, and
whoever else knows about the
situation?
Ten
That would be just me and
Jungwoo basically
Hold on
Ten, Unknown
Ten
Woo, this is Chenle
I assume he's gonna ask about
Jaemin
Jungwoo
Oh okay
Hi Chenle
Cheble
Hi
So I'm wondering how Jaemin is
Tbh I'm really worried about Haechan
and Jaemin may not be having the best
time either and I'd never wanna rush
them but I do think that the sooner they talk the better
At least for one of their sakes
Jungwoo
He doesn't talk about it too
much
Or if he does, he instantly wants
a distraction afterwards
When he's not with Jisung, he's
with one of us
Ten
He's a little closer to Kun, Yangyang,
and Darci because it's normal to
see one of them if he's with me at
the shop or we're just out somewhere
He seems more comfortable with, um,
something so I think he has a little
more self-love but with Haechan and
things that bother him, I have no idea
He misses him a lot and he wants to
see him, he's just waiting to be ready
Chenle
So you have no idea whether he's
closer to being ready or not?
Jungwoo
I think a big part of it is him
trying to convince himself to
be okay with Haechans
feelings towards him
He never wanted a break or
anything that's happening, but he
just couldn't deal with it and he
wants to make sure they can fully
resolve the situation, even if that
means that nothing really changes
Chenle
Oh okay
Thank you
Ten
Of course
Woo
^
➳
"Lele!"
"Hi, Baby", Chenle says, smiling into the hug.
"I feel like it's been forever since I've seen you."
"I know, I'm sorry. I picked up some extra shifts at work. Jisung visits when he can but it's boring. Until he's about to punch someone."
"Does he ever say anything to anyone?"
"Whenever anyone says anything, he'll start talking about a date or planning our wedding. It's hilarious."
Jaemin chuckles. "Jisung is funny."
"I suppose we're perfect for each other 'cause I'm not much better when someone tries to flirt with him. He sits behind the bar with me and whenever someone starts flirting, I'll sit on his lap while working on drinks."
"I bet Jisung loves it."
"He always smiles when I do something like that."
This was so hard
I'm sure it's not that great but STILL
Difficultly level: 100/10
Included in that difficulty, let's pretend this story has a sensible timeline
Because it doesn't anymore
I tried