This book is being rewritten under a new title "Silently Drowning", although nothing is happening to this book or the series that goes with it, I do suggest reading the rewritten version.
Alessia Ferrari
I'll be okay.
Is that what you want me to say?
One day the darkness that surrounds Alessia Ferrari would just be gone like it never existed in the first place.
That would make you happy right?
Truth is the darkness never really goes away, not completely that is.
The scars you can't see are the hardest to heal.
The day the imaginary darkness goes away is the day Alessia Ferrari ceases to exist.
Maybe that's not all that bad.
Now I'm here, sneaking out of my room in the middle of the night to get some food because the last thing I would want is to faint during the concert tomorrow.
That doesn't sound like a very fun experience for anyone.
"Why does it look like you're trying to commit a heist in your own house?"
Dammit Alessandro.
Wait... Alessandro? When was the last time he spoke to me... Weird.
"Just g-" I tried to explain but he quickly interrupted me.
"I heard about your little fiasco with Jas." Ah yes the fiasco that never fucking happened. What's the point in even attempting to defend myself when the great Jasper has already spoken. When he realized I wasn't going to respond he spoke once more, "I will ask you one more time, why does it look like you are trying to commit a heist in your own house?"
"I was just getting something to eat." I respond in a soft tone.
"That involves sneaking around like you are planning on robbing the place? What if one of the new guards thought you were an intruder?"
"If the guards weren't informed who lives here then you and Lorenzo need to do a better job when hiring staff." I responded.
Alessandro just takes a deep breath before dramatically exhaling, "alright, you have a point. Go get something to eat and then get back to your room. It's already getting late and you have school in the morning."
I reply with a quick 'okay' before limping down the staircase and into the kitchen. I really didn't want to stay out here longer than necessary after that encounter, quickly grabbing a random protein bar and speedily walked back into my room and sat on the bed.
Just as I was about to open the bar I accidentally glanced at the calories.
Two hundred and fifty, the bar is small.
It's not worth it.
Tossing it into a random drawer then laying back on my bed as I stared at the ceiling wondering why I can't even be good enough for me let alone other people.
Eventually I fell into a not so peaceful sleep on an empty stomach.
**
Did I eat this morning? Nope.
Should I have? Most definitely.
Will I regret that later? Probably. I think I was just a bit too busy trying not to fall out of my bedroom window to sneak off to school without the worry of running into somebody I happen to share blood with.
Isn't that sad? Sneaking out to go to hell, I mean school.
I won't dwell on shit that doesn't seem to be changing anytime soon.
It's a waste of the very little energy I still have.
I walked to school like I usually do and upon entering the whispering begins, just like it has ever since Tiara and Niccolò decided the hallway was the best place to discuss how much of an awful human being I am.
I walk to my locker with my head down only to be greeted by a very concerned looking Manny.
This dude is everywhere.
"Hey Alessia."
"Uh hi?" Why does he keep talking to me? That's not something that happens around here, and yet for some reason he is annoyingly persistent.
"How are you?"
"I'm fine. How are you?" He just nods, almost like he doesn't entirely believe me.
"I'm doing well, thank you for asking." He replies with a light smile and I couldn't help but smile slightly in return.
All of a sudden I got incredibly dizzy, leaning against the lockers for support, Manny grabbed my hand and I didn't even flinch at the unexpected interaction, I was too focused on trying to stop the room from spinning.
"Alessia, are you sure you're okay?"
"Just a bit dizzy, I'll be fine." I almost whisper.
"When was the last time you ate?" He questions, still not letting go of my hand.
"This morning." I lied, he just sighed in response, again as if he didn't believe a word coming out of my mouth.
"I have a few granola bars in my bag, do you want one?" He asks.
"I'll be fine." I repeat the same phrase like a broken record. The amount of times I say the word 'fine'.... It's really starting to not sound like a word anymore, but it's fine.
See my point?
"You have that concert tonight right?" I just nod, "Well you need to make sure you have the energy to perform."
I hate that he's right.
"Okay." I whisper as he hands me one of the snacks.
**
"So now we will be moving on to the next assignment for the semester, it's a partner project and before you ask, no you will not be choosing your partner, you will be working with the person directly next to you.
So first turn to page forty-seven and read the second passage while I explain what this unit's project entails.
Firstly you will study the passage that I had told you to scan over, along with the passage at the top of page forty-eight, and then I want you to pick a character from the passage that shows similar characteristics to your partner, how are they similar and why?
The questions you would need to answer are on the back, make sure you work together, you have three weeks to get this assignment completely finished. You are dismissed, I'll see you guys tomorrow."
If this was a movie I'd say this whole assignment bs was cliché as fuck but it's not a movie nor is Manny a love interest that has some weird obsession with me that the audience seems to find cute. I say it's all creepy and toxic as hell but whatever.
"I'll see you tonight Alessia."
He is still hell bent on showing up to that?
Why?
My brothers don't, granted I don't think they even know since we don't talk but if they did they would all be too busy anyway.
What's the point?
**
"Okay everyone, I think we are finally ready to blow the roof off this place!" Mrs. Reignoff attempts to give one of her pep talks but I think she forgets this is just a high school choir in a high school gymnasium.
Let's get this show on the road.
Music has always been my safe place, it doesn't matter how much anxiety I have, that doesn't seem to exist when I'm on stage.
The people watching or listening don't really know you, they don't know your story, they don't know the thoughts that run through your brain, when you are performing it's the one time you can just let go of everything and be true to yourself.
When I'm performing I'm not Alessia, the girl whose twin hates her and brothers don't acknowledge her existence.
When I'm performing I'm not Alessia, the girl who gets repeatedly assaulted by her brother's best friend or the girl that allows her brother's girlfriend to slap her around in fear that her brothers would hate her even more if she even thought about fighting back.
When I'm performing I'm Alessia Fiorella Ferarri.
Daughter of Aurora and Massimo Ferrari.
The two people who loved her more than life itself, and when they loved, they loved so deeply that even death couldn't pull them apart.
When I'm performing I'm finally free.
"Holy shit, that was incredible."
Oh he was very serious about being here. I have never been more confused about anyone in my life.
"Uh thanks?"
"No seriously, I'm gonna start calling you Angel."
"My name is Alessia?" I respond, but it comes out more like a question.
"No shit but you have the voice of an angel so..."
"Alessia!" I heard the familiar cold voice yell from across the gymnasium, Manny for some reason took a step in front of me, blocking me from the view of the elder.
"Nonno!" I shout excitedly as the older man kneels down on one knee with his arms open. Ignoring the confused look Manny is sending me.
[grandpa]
I couldn't help but throw myself into his warm yet welcoming embrace. When was the last time I got a hug?
Jasper.
It was probably Jasper.
I grimace at the thought.
"What are you doing here?" I mumble as I try to stop myself from wincing when he tightens his hold on me.
"Did you really think I was going to miss my favorite nipote di nonni sing her little heart out?"
[granddaughter]
"I'm your only granddaughter" I respond "wait how did you even know I had a performance tonight?" I add when I realize the predicament we seem to be in, how does he know if my brothers don't even know?
"I may or may not have threatened a few members of staff to inform me when concerts or events were approaching because your dimwitted brothers don't tell me anything."
"So... This seems like a family thing... I should go." Manny suddenly says from behind us — I honestly forgot he was there... Oops.
"Oh, Manny this is my Nonno — Um my Grandfather... Francesco Ferrari, Nonno this is Manny... A friend... Sort of. You know what, that's a long story. Somebody should write the book."
**
A/N:
The whole Anxiety doesn't exist on stage thing is so damn relatable to me. I used to have anxiety attacks when too many people stared at me while walking around school.
Yet when I was performing in Choir or Band none of that seemed to matter, I'd have full blown 'I'm going to die' attacks prior but once I was on stage it seemed to just vanish.
[Words: 1670]
[Edited: July 23, 2023]