Featured Lyrics:
Did I drive you away?
I know what you'll say,
"Oh, sing one you know."
But I promise you this,
I'll always look out for you.
Yeah, that's what I'll do.
My heart is yours,
It's you that I hold on to,
Yeah that's what I do.
And I know, I was wrong,
But I won't let you down,
Oh, yeah, I will, yes I will.
I saw sparks.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
You threw Eren into your tent to get changed into some of the spare clothing you had. Thankfully you always brought a variety of sizes when camping so your clothes should hopefully fit him. The snow was falling heavier now but you decided to put on a fire to hopefully warm up and get some food going. You tried to stay outwardly calm, but the shock of seeing Eren was still getting to you.
He unzipped the tent and was bundled up in multiple layers with the same blanket from earlier wrapped around his shoulders.
"I hope you were able to find something that fits," you muttered, adding another log to the flames.
Eren shuffled over and plopped himself by the warmth. "Half of the clothes you had were mine anyways."
You turned on the portable gas pot and emptied a can of soup, placed a pot of water on top of the flames, and stood up a pair of hotdogs on sticks by the fire.
Eren didn't speak whilst you got food ready, he just watched you silently. He knew just as well that you were on edge from the events just a few minutes ago. Just a few short moments later, you poured half of the soup into a thermos, steeped a bag of tea, and handed Eren a warm hotdog on a stick. You ate in silence, letting the sounds of the forest falling asleep consume your senses.
You couldn't take the quiet any longer. Although you had enjoyed it for the past week, the answers that you were searching for were right where Eren sat.
"Why are you here?" you asked plainly, trying to gain warmth from the tea in your hands.
"I'm here to see you," was all Eren said. "And to get you to come back home."
"You could've waited a few more days. I was probably going to come back soon anyways."
Eren shook his head, "Armin couldn't wait."
Instinctually, you rolled your eyes and huffed. The walls of peace you had built up were knocked down in a matter of minutes. "Armin has Annie."
"You've got it wrong, it's Annie who has Armin," Eren said, looking at you directly on the other side of the smoke. You couldn't fully comprehend the words he was saying. "He told me what happened so you don't need to relive it."
"Yeah, thanks. I've got that covered," you scoffed. The scene of the two of them together played plenty in your mind, you didn't need any help remembering it.
Eren stood and shuffled his seat to sit next to you."I think you should give him another chance, Y/N. Annie isn't a good person."
"Then why was he so excited when she was going to move back?" You felt tears coming back, and that old familiar feeling in your chest. "Why did he kiss her so easily?"
Eren turned and looked at you deeply, his words were serious and clear. "You remember that summer camp most of us went to when we were kids? I never talked about it because of how awful it was. She's why I didn't go to the party." You watched as Eren picked at his styrofoam cup, poking holes into it as he spoke. "Annie saw me as an easy target back then I guess. The worst was when she convinced me that Armin was stuck in the river. When I went to try and save him, to try and prove that I wasn't weak, I got caught up in the current. Thankfully, Mikasa was there and helped me. I'll never be able to fully repay her for that."
"I'm...I'm sorry that happened to you," was all you could croak out. The story was a secret Eren had held onto for years.
"Annie kissed Armin because she's not a good person," Eren repeated. He sat up and took a long sip of his tea. It was like he was trying to indoctrinate you. "If you come back, at least try to talk to him. I know how happy he made you."
"I'm not sure..."
"Look-" he said, seriously, "If you can still talk to me after kissing Hitch, why is it different for Armin after kissing Annie? Why can you forgive me so easily when it's even harder for you to forgive him?"
You weren't sure where his point was going so you waited for him to continue.
"It's because you really care about him a lot. Right? It hurts more to see the person you like kissing someone else."
It was another few moments of silence as you pondered what Eren said. It felt like Eren was putting words in your mouth, but you did resonate with some of what he was saying. Seeing Eren kiss Hitch stung in a different way, that felt predictable. Seeing Armin kiss Annie was painful, that was unexpected. The reality was that you had to eventually get closure from Armin. Whether that conversation would end in forgiveness or not was still up in the air.
"How's Hitch?" you asked, wanting to change the subject.
"She's fine," was all Eren said.
He wasn't giving you much else to work with. If Eren was going to place you in the hot seat, you might as well return the favour. "Last I saw, it seemed like you were coming back from a date."
"Oh, yeah we were."
"Are you together?"
"Maybe, I dunno."
Eren clearly didn't want to talk about Hitch and your fatigue was catching up to you. Letting out a big yawn, you got up and stretched.
"Let's go to sleep," you said. Eren didn't show any signs of protest.
You took the remaining tea and dumped the contents on the fire, dousing the flames and darkening the area. The sparks of the flames died down, revealing the cloud-covered sky. Even though you couldn't see any stars, the bright reflection of the moonlit your campsite and you could see Eren was watching you carefully.
You held out a hand and pulled him out of his seat, pulling him into a hug. You could barely get your arms around his torso from how many layers he was wearing. The smell of his shampoo and cologne filled your nose and made you smile. Feeling his arms around you was a feeling you missed. His scent was comforting and familiar.
Your tent was a little cramped with all the paddings and sleeping bags creating a cushion but there was enough room for the both of you to lay next to each other.
You tucked into your own sleeping bag. Thankfully you had a set that Eren could wiggle into his own. After he laid down, you took a large blanket and covered both of you together. You snuggled closer to him, feeling your shared body heat. Wordlessly, he wrapped an arm around you. You did your best to try and tangle your legs together, despite being restrained by the sleeping bags. The comfort of having him close was addicting.
"At least it's warmer with someone else here," you whispered, feeling the steady rise and fall of his chest against your head.
"Do you regret kissing me, Y/N?" Eren asked, out of the blue. You didn't even have to think of your answer as you shook your head. "Good, me neither." He pulled you in even closer and you wondered what was going through his mind.
For the first time in a week, you fell asleep instantly, feeling warm and safe.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
You woke up the next morning, with the tent bright from the dissipated light that spread across the canvas. You heard the sound of a crackling fire just outside and realized that Eren wasn't by your side.
"Sounds like you're awake," you heard his voice say. "I got some oatmeal ready."
You felt fully awake but dreamy. You had to admit that you had a hard time sleeping most nights. You would feel the slightest chill in your bones, making you restless. Despite the panic of seeing Eren suddenly, you felt calmer than ever.
You unzipped the tent door and smiled at the first sight you saw. Eren had the pot on the fire with a spoon sticking out of it. The beige oats were nearly overcooked, but it was warm and comforting.
Eren had his own bowl that was half eaten and he had a scowl on his face. "Is this what you've been eating the past week? Oatmeal and hotdogs?"
You rolled your eyes and gingerly ate the oatmeal. You had to admit, you were getting tired of the bland flavour. "Listen, groceries are expensive. I'm just eating whatever I could grab before I left home."
Eren rolled his eyes and placed his bowl on the ground. "It's Christmas, we should have a proper meal tonight."
You raise an eyebrow at him. "We?"
"What? My truck is absolutely busted, I'm not going anywhere you're not going."
You had to shake your head. Of course, that damn truck. "Good riddance, I can't believe that thing didn't kill you earlier. You're lucky it was me that ran into you and not a bear."
Eren shuddered at the thought. "I still don't get why you like camping in the winter. Everything you want to see - which you could fully see in the summer, by the way - is covered in snow."
"There's just a certain amount of magic in the winter."
"Fine, why don't you show me what's so amazing about the mountains in the winter and in return, we have an actual meal tonight for Christmas."Eren stood, showing his determination. "Maybe you'll convince me to join you next time."
"Eren, I come to these alone for a reason."
"Isn't it better when someone is with you, though?"
You paused at his words. It did spark a new feeling in you. It made your heart swell and your smile grow. It was nice having someone there to pull you out of isolation. Especially if that person was your best friend.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
You and Eren cleaned up your campsite, locked the tent and piled into your car. The snowfall wasn't nearly as bad as your mom was making it out to be. The first place you decided to show Eren was a lake to skate on. You figured bringing him on a hike wouldn't be the smartest move since he was mostly underdressed.
The lake was nested between a large mountain range that angled in a way that just invited you to it. You were surprised that it wasn't as busy as it usually would be. Maybe, the upcoming holiday had more people staying at home. It didn't take long for you and Eren to lace up your rented skates and hobble onto the rough ice. Eren held your hands like a child as you skate backwards, leading him along. Every once in a while, he would lose his footing and let out a high-pitched scream. You kept your grip firm, making sure that he wouldn't fall.
"O-okay! I think I'm getting the h-hang of it!" he cheered after you let him go for just a moment.
"Yes! You're doing it! Just kinda push yourself towards me."You waited for him about five feet away, not resisting your laughter as you watched him inch toward you.
Eren glided for just a few seconds before catching his skate on a chunk of ice, sending him forward and landing on you. You felt yourself losing your footing and slipping. By some miracle, you managed to regain your balance, saving both you and Eren from a concussion.
"That was terrifying," Eren said wordlessly, gripping your arms tighter now.
"But isn't the view beautiful?" you said, looking away and out towards the snowy mountains.
Eren sighed and looked out. "It's like the world is frozen in time when you see it all icy like this."Hearing Eren's words you felt that feeling again, that feeling of seeing sparks twinkle in Eren's eyes. That feeling of your heart growing bigger in your chest.
"Maybe that's why I like coming here so much. Time just stops. It gives me time to think."
"Life is moving pretty fast these days," Eren says, quietly. You glanced up to see his big eyes looking out into the landscape.
"There aren't any mountains by Marley University," you said suddenly.
Eren pulled away, to get a better look at your face. "Maybe you shouldn't go then."
"You know I've wanted to go there since I was a kid," you said quietly. It had been a while since the two of you talked about the future.
"If I can beat you back to the rental booth, then you gotta promise me that you'll stay in Paradis," Eren didn't even fully finish his sentence before he gave you a light shove, giving him a head start back to the ground. Thankfully he didn't develop speed skating skills in the twenty minutes you spent on the ice.
As you handily passed Eren, you yelled, "I'll wait for you in the car, loser! It'll be nice and warm by the time you get there!"
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
Eren looked out the gondola window as your little booth climbed higher up the mountain, riding along a cable suspended in the air. He showed his innocence again as he pressed his palms against the glass, fogging his view.
"I think you're starting to convince me," he said, not taking his eyes away from the view. "I just want to fly out there and see what's on the other side of the mountains."
You just laughed at him, enjoying his reaction more than anything. The gondola ride was a short trip to a chalet at the peak. You knew that Eren loved being in the sky, feeling the freedom of the fresh air. When you made it to the top, you jumped out of the little car and led Eren to a boardwalk that gave the full view of the valley. You could see the whole town of Dauper from up there.
"Turn around so I can get a picture of you!" you told Eren as he looked over the railing, wanting to drink in the sights. You had to move him yourself just to get his face in your camera's viewfinder.
Eren smiled, throwing his arms in the air like he was flying. You clicked the shutter just in time to capture the child-like glee on his face."Ahh!!! I'm on top of the world!" he cheered, getting some looks from other tourists. He walked over and took the camera from you. "Alright, your turn."
You posed with a nice smile, waiting for Eren to capture the moment. He just stared at you through the viewfinder, taking a long time to press the shutter. "What are you waiting for?"
Eren was silent for a moment before clearing his voice. "Ahem, um, ahh..." He took the camera away from his face and looked at you. "You should do something exciting! Put your hands up, do a jump?"
You rolled your eyes and let out a quiet "Yay!" as you jumped in the air.
"Sorry. I missed it."
With another jump, you cheered, "Woo!"
"No, yeah. I just can't get the timing right. Do it again."
You just gave him an exasperated laugh, "Eren!"
You heard the shutter click. "Alright, there we go. That was a good one."He lifted his head from the viewfinder and smiled. As he walked closer to you, he held out the camera. "I can't wait until you develop them."
His gloved hand grazed over yours and you felt sparks in your nerves climb up your arm and into your heart. That feeling of simple love and joy you had around Eren came back as you looked at him. "We should try to take one together," you said, standing next to him and extending your arm out, pointing the camera in your direction. He had to lean in closer to your face to try and fit in the frame with you. You had no idea if the angle of your arm was going to capture you, Eren, or even the mountains. "Alright, 3-2-1!"
You heard the crunch of snow behind you as someone walked closer. "Would you two like me to take your picture?"
Turning around, you saw an older gentleman had walked up to Eren after watching your attempt. Before you could answer, Eren did, "Of course, we would love that. Thank you, sir."
Wordlessly, you gave the man your camera and Eren wrapped his arm around your shoulder as you snaked your hand around his waist. You waited for the man to click for the picture.
"You're a lovely couple," the man said. He turned to Eren with a wink, "You should kiss her in this next one."
You felt Eren stiffen in your arm and he looked down at you. "Oh, uh, we're not-"
Your body moved before your mind could think as you pulled on Eren's arm which was closer to you. Eren's eyebrows raised at your movements but he followed you easily. Without much hesitation, you reached up and gave Eren a small kiss on the cheek.
When you pulled away, Eren looked at you with wide eyes. He whispered to you so quietly that it seemed more like a thought. "Y/N, you shouldn't..."
The sound of his words snapped you back into reality and out of your haze. You pulled away and apologized quietly to your best friend. "I'm suddenly feeling pretty cold. We should head down the gondola soon." You walked towards the man, taking the camera back. "Thank you, sir, for taking our pictures."
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
The streets of Dauper were surprisingly quiet for a Christmas evening. The twinkling street lights dazzled you as you walked beside Eren.
"We should probably call home. Especially you," you said, punching him in the arm. "Your mom is probably worried sick about you."
Eren followed you to the town hall and to the same phone booth you used. He slid some coins into the machine and dialled home.
"Heyyyy mom..." he said sheepishly. You could hear her raised voice on the other side. You were pleased that Carla could still talk some sense into her son. "I'm with her right now. She's standing next to me."
Eren moved the phone near your face and you spoke into the receiver. "Hi, Carla, Merry Christmas!" You could only hear her faintly return the greeting.
"Yes, we're safe. Gonna call Y/N's mom soon too...Okay, love you."
You crossed your arms as you got ready to call your own home. "You're not gonna tell her about your truck?"
Eren chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck. "Heh, yeah...that's a problem for another time."He waited patiently for you by a rack that held brochures of different business and tourist spots in the area.
Your conversation with your mom was a short one. "Merry Christmas, Mom. Yeah, don't worry, I'm not alone anymore. Eren's with me."You kept stealing glances at Eren as he was preoccupied with the stand. There was something in the way he carefully eyed the pamphlets, running his fingers across a few that gave you butterflies. By the time you hung up, Eren had a brochure in his hands, thumbing through the different restaurants in the town.
Eren placed the brochure back on the rack and turned to you. "So, it looks like everything is closed early because of the holiday. Except for the Chinese restaurant attached to the hotel."
You felt your stomach grumbling, Chinese food sounded better than oatmeal and hotdogs. You took Eren's hand and placed it inside your jacket pocket. His fingers felt cold but felt right in your palm as you pressed your palms together. You weren't sure the reason why you wanted to hold his hand, but the comfort was nice. "Alright, let's start walking."
As you made your way down the quiet street, the soft lights of Christmas decorations and street lamps lit your way. Shops were decorated with flannel and tinsel, whilst some played Christmas music out the door. Since it was getting late in the day, shopkeepers were locking up displays and closing up.
You and Eren walked in comfortable silence as the sounds of the small town grew quiet. At the end of a street, you took a slight turn to the left to find a small hotel. When you walked in, the fluorescent lights flickered and the small radio played static on the desk.
"Um, hello," Eren said to the clerk. She looked up from her magazine and popped the bubble gum that she chewed in her mouth. When she didn't reply, Eren continued. "Table for two please."
She didn't say anything as the chair scraped against the yellowing linoleum. The menus were lazily picked up and she walked past a door, expecting you two to follow her. There was one other family, an older woman, and a child doing what looked like homework. They each looked up from their tables to watch you and Eren sit down before turning back to what they were doing. The lighting was almost too bright and the air felt a little dusty, but the food on the menu made your mouth water all the same.
You and Eren took a few moments to decide on what to order before the same woman came back. She didn't even write down your choices, it seemed like she had them memorized instantly.
"Hotel guests?"
"Oh! No, we're not," you said, glancing at Eren.
"Discount if guest," she said. her tone made it sound like it was supposed to be obvious.
Eren glanced back at you and said, "It would be nice for you to sleep in a proper bed tonight. I can cover it, think of it as my Christmas gift to you."
You had to think. Over a week of half crying and half sleeping in the snow took a toll on your body. You looked at Eren as he waited for your answer. Even in the bright florescent lighting, you could see the sparks that floated around his head, making you feel that familiar feeling. It wasn't from the idea of sleeping in a hotel; it wasn't from sharing the same bed; it wasn't from anything spectacular or extraordinary. You saw sparks around Eren every time he loved you quietly and every time you loved him loudly. When you thought about it, that was all the time.
You looked at the woman and she named a decent price for one night. It was a splurge that was impulsive but felt right at the time. When she finished, you nodded. "Okay, we'll take a room."
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
With your bellies full and your heart even fuller, you followed Eren up a creaky staircase and down a dim hallway. The hotel wasn't the most luxurious building, but it was warm and felt like home. You were excited to get in the shower, in a proper bed, and not sleep in your winter jacket.
When you opened the door, there was just a single queen-sized bed with red flannel sheets. You felt apologetic towards Eren for forgetting to ask for two beds.
You turned back to him, rubbing the back of your neck. "I didn't realize that she would put us in a room with a single bed."
Eren walked past you and sat at the edge of the bed with a smile. "It's pretty cozy here; I like the decorations." There were kitschy figurines that you could buy at a souvenir shop and paintings that you recognized as some of the sights in the area.
There was an undeniable tension in the air as Eren settled himself, taking off his clothes to get more comfortable. Your mind played images of all things you had done today. Every once in a while you felt those old butterflies come to life, almost as if those sparks had relit a fire within you.
Before Eren could get a chance to ask why you just stood and stared at him in silence, you stepped into the bathroom. Flicking on the light, you called out, "I haven't had a shower in like a week. So I'm gonna hop in first if you don't mind."
"Mhm, no worries. I'm just gonna see what's on the TV."
You stripped the layers of your body, feeling the relief of the weight off your shoulders. For the first time in a while, you didn't have to be bundled up. You stepped into the shower, letting the hot steam open you up. It didn't take long for your mind to begin to wander. You had to tackle how you were feeling.
You thought of Eren and the love you felt for him was undeniable. Those sparks made you feel like you were on fire. You thought of the possibility of being with Eren and the risks it would entail. He had given you many chances to be with him. It was always you who chose the other path. The love you felt was affectionate and familiar. However, the idea of falling in love with Eren was one you were scared to admit.
All the wandering and confusion were getting to be too much for you. As you turned off the shower, you thought, 'Maybe I'll ask him about it tonight.'
You wrapped the towel around your hair and put on the same t-shirt and sweatpants you had on earlier since your clothing was back at the campsite. You were feeling incredibly nervous and shaky at the duality of your mind. You wanted answers, but it was going to take a lot out of you to ask them.
Eren was tucked in bed with the bedsheets pulled up to his chin. He had his head propped up so he could watch the reruns on cable television. He looked so incredibly cozy and inviting, and you found yourself just staring at him at the foot of the bed.
When you entered his field of vision, he sat up, looking awkward and nervous himself. "You're back," he blurted, sitting up quickly from the bed. His comment felt like it was laced with subtext and hidden meanings.
You wanted to get the awkward tension out of the air. "Eren, do you still love me? I pushed you away, didn't I?"
You could tell that Eren heard your voice, but he turned his eyes back to the television. "Hey, you should watch this episode. I know you know the show," he said, trying to distract you from your question.
You stepped over to the TV and turned it off. The only sounds were from the furnace and your deep breathing. He didn't say anything about your actions, he just watched you carefully. Without hesitation, you asked again, "Eren, do you still love me?"
He sat up taller in his spot but didn't move closer. "You know I love you."
"Are you still in love with me?"
The air suddenly felt cold and stale as you stood at the foot of the bed. The lights were off which made it hard to see him. The street lights from outside casted long shadows of your body against the wall.
It was just a subtle change in words that caused such a change in his reaction. You could hear Eren sigh, "You know I can't answer that. Armin would-"
You cut off his words. "If I didn't let you down and went with you to the Winter Ball, would you still be in love with me?"
"You know how I feel about you, Y/N. Don't make me say it out loud." Eren was starting to close off and you could feel him shrinking away. "I can't do that to Armin."
"I think I might be-"
"No, stop," Eren stopped you in your tracks. "Armin is good for you. You should stay with him and just talk. I promised I'd bring you back."
Even in the dark as Eren closed himself off from you, you could see the sparks dancing around his body. It made you drawn to him in a way that you didn't feel around Armin.
You nodded slowly, unsure what to do with yourself. You felt tired like you were hanging by a thread all day. After a beat, you walked to the open side of the bed to lay down, facing away from Eren. The bed was soft but you felt more uncomfortable than you had the whole week. Being around Eren sent your emotions from one end of the spectrum to the other.
"We should head back home tomorrow," was all he said before you drifted away, clutching the aching in your heart.
Maybe the sparks Eren saw in you had died.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
Author's Note:
Extra long chapter 10 in celebration! This one hurt me, so I hope you feel the same. LOL Maybe one day they will be on the same page. </3 This song has always been more heartbreaking for me than a love song, what do you think?
Thank you for all the support on my story so far! I appreciate all the votes, saves, comments, or even the silent reads. I've been getting a lot of AOT news in my feed lately and it's making me SO excited for Part 3. I really don't want it to end T_T
Btw, would you guys be interested in reading an AOT Band Camp!AU? 😆 As a former band nerd, its just straight up wish fulfilment. I also already have everyone sorted into their instrument groups. Soooo lemme know if you'd wanna see it. It would be more crack and a break from all this angst for me lol
Here are some pictures of the IRL places that inspired this chapter! (All from Google)
Lake Louise Skating, Banff Gondola, Downtown Banff.