SIMPHIWE SHANDU THE HUSBAND
CHAPTER 45
SIMPHIWE
I fought every tooth and nail to keep them both alive. I took a huge risk in keeping the baby. I know if I had decided and thought of Nozi alone it would have sounded selfish. Couldn't bear the thought of her hating me for the worst. I am always at the hospital hoping for her to wake up anytime. I am always hoping for miracles these days. But none ever get fulfilled. The doctors even decided to do a c-section on her while she is still in a coma. Again, I declined. I want Nozi to be wide awake when the baby gets delivered. I have lost so much weight that most of the clothes do not fit me that well. I am losing myself along the line – but never neglect my kids. The cash I have is running out and I will be insolvent soon. I cannot touch what Jele gave me without Nozi’s approval. She will probably think I wanted Jele to departure so that I could misuse it. That is just not the plan at all. All I want is for Nozi to wake up and for the baby to be well.
“Today she seems much better compared to other days. I applaud the liver you have. You have a strong sense of humor and you do not give up easily.” The doctor says.
“I have no choice.” He nods his head and checks on her BP. My hand is always entwined with hers. I am afraid that if I get to let go of her hand, she will die on me. What would my life be without her? Empty for so many reasons. When we resist our fears or any emotion for that matter, we gain momentum. But that is not the point at the moment. Marital vows - sighs. It's what I am holding on to. We promised to love each other in sickness and health, if we both shall live through the good and the bad times. The day we made those vows, it was unfathomable to think that there could be a time when one of us might no longer be alive. And that thought alone scares me to death. I have heart palpitations thinking of the possibilities of ending up alone. It is not unreasonable to worry as we get older. Sooner or later, we shall have to accept that one of us might leave this world sooner than one expected. It can be especially difficult for couples who have been together for decades to imagine the prospect of ever having to live alone. And it makes sense for a woman whose life partner is a male life partner to fear he will die before her. I kiss the back of her hand and smile emotionally.
“I have lost before, and I do not believe in losing again. Many people have lost before, and so many have learned to love again. To heal. To move forward. I want that so badly but with you, and I am working on achieving that every day. I know I have no right to ask, but please, please be patient with me. I am healing my mind while trying to find myself again. I am healing the way I think its best – with you by my side. I am healing from the shock and total despair. But you, you are healing my heart. Seeing your face alone heals me to the best. And it might take time for you to trust that. It might take time for you to believe that something good can happen to us. I am not going to push, but I will be here with you step by step regardless of the situation.” I speak. I do not know how to do this, But I need to go pick my kids up from the daycare. Maybe being around them will ease me from the depression and anxiety I'm in. Whole four months and there has not been any change. I walk out with a heavy heart. I take time collecting myself in the car before I get to drive out. Tears just falling one after another. I am hurting and it hurts. I haven't seen my family in ages, and no one cares if I am surviving or not. I have learnt to live without them. I take a deep breath.
“Zuri, please not my remote.” I swear this child knows how to keep me on my toes. She just smiles and says nothing. Again, how did Nozi keep up with all of this? I have no idea. I look at Fihliwe sitting on the floor playing with her toys and I just smile. As much as my life took another turn – my kids will always be the best. The doorbells ring. I assume it’s the nanny. She sometimes comes around to wash the kids' clothing and do their hair. I am grateful for her. I learnt the hard way – having a stay in nanny will never be a good thing for me. I am still fighting my demons. I open the door and find Bagqibile standing outside with Sizile. She looks different.
“Wow.” She does really look cute. I haven't seen my daughter in months, but I do call from time to time just to check up on her. She gaps when her eyes trail down to my body.
“You have lost weight.” She says out of shock. I stepped aside and let her in.
“Yes, the stress I am under in.” I say. She takes a deep breath and sits on the couch opposite me.
“Whatever it is, I hope you heal and move on from it.” she tells me making me frown. “The main reason for me being here is that I want you to look after Sizile for me. I have a date and her nanny is not around. So...”
“You have a date?”
“Yes,” she smiles. I am happy for her
“I really need to see this man that is making my baby mama glow this much.”
“It’s too soon.” Look at her blushing.
“All in all, I am happy for you. Go out there and live a little. Know how it feels like to be loved genuinely by a man that only belongs to you. But just make sure that you are dating a man that will love Sizile like his own since I do not live with her.” I say. I do not trust any male near my female kids.
“Will keep that in mind.” She looks at the wristwatch and stands up. “I should get going.” I led her to the door. The first time me and Bagqibile get to be in one room and get to have a conversation without throwing a fit. I smile. She has grown and I like the new her. Hopefully this man will help her take her claws off me. I do not see myself going back to square one. I sit on the couch and look at my girls. Lord really blessed me, but I so wish that one of them belonged to Nozi. My phone chimes talking me out of my thoughts. It’s an international number.
“I need a place to stay. Can you please lend me one of your bedrooms.” There is only one person who would ask for a room and that is Masindi. Why does she not go to her parents' house. My mind is occupied with everything. I will not text back. Lord knows I do not want any entanglements right now. I just want to live a peaceful life without any drama lurking around. I must resist and fight temptations from afar. Maybe a reply will do. Make her aware that I will not be able to help her with anything. She has a home after all.
“Sorry, house is filled with kids. No space.” I click on send. She reads immediately and then starts typing. I click on the exit button. I do not want to hear her response. It was right and fine the time she had communication with Nozi. I didn’t have to deal with her. Lord knows how I wish I could just change my life and remove every wrong turn, but I can't. I must face all the consequences of the outcome. I look at my watch, the nanny is a bit late today. I am not too sure whether my sleepiness will hold on. I am extremely tired. I just need to take a nap for an hour or two then go back to the hospital. That is where my life has been lately.
After an hour of waiting the nanny finally pulls through. She started in town to do grocery shopping. I understood. I have been dozing off on the couch and later get startled by the kid's noise.
“I just need to take a nap before going to the hospital. Will you manage with the little one added.” I point out Sizile.
“Not at all. Your kids do not bother me at all.” I nodded my head and ran up the stairs. My eyes drifted to sleep the minute they closed.
I find myself walking in a place filled with white mist. The passage has no ending, and I am beginning to be afraid. My heart is beating rapidly that I fail to control my breathing. A white door opens and all I can see is green grass filled with birds. Everything is just pure and white. I smile looking around. The fruits here look juicy and very big. I should bring Nozi here for a vacation. I know she will like it; she loves peaceful places.
“It’s good to know that you think about her all the time.” I get startled by a voice I know but I can’t tell who. I turn around only to find Jele grinning like a stupid man.
“Why do you like to always follow me around?” I ask with this urge to roll my eyes.
“No, this time it’s the other way around. You followed me to my safe place.”
“Where is your beard?” I ask. I remember how much he loved his bare. Always neatly trimmed.
“Story for another day. You don’t know where you are, right?” Is that a historical question.
“Dah, we are in South Africa.” I say. He laughs showing off his super white teeth.
“Still stupid I see. Can we sit down and have a real talk.” For once I am not fighting him. I see a woman walking towards us with a baby warped in a blue blanket. She smiles and stands Infront of me.
“This is my gift to you. You know that sometimes we come into the world to serve a purpose. My purpose was to mend Your broken marriage with Nozi. I know you did not divorce her.” I swallow and look on the side. “Which is a good thing. That woman loves you through back and front. I am happy to see a change in you. He stands up and takes the baby from the woman and hands it to me.
“This is my mother by the way.” The woman turns back to leave without waiting for me to even greet her.
“She’s beautiful.” I speak.
“And old enough to be your mother.” We look at each other and both laugh.
“Take care of Nozi your big head.” He hits the back of my head and just disappears right Infront of my eyes. Everything becomes white again. I feel like the ground is swallowing me. The baby has disappeared from my hands, and I am now holding a blue fluffy blanket. I fell into a river trying to swim myself out. I find myself floating.
“Simphiwe!” a cold splash lands on my face. I wake up panting wet from head to toe. I stand up and look around. I am in my bedroom. I look at the nanny holding a jar.
“Did you just pour water on me?” I ask. I do not remember permitting her to enter my bedroom.
“Yes, you have been sleeping since yesterday. What was I supposed to do?” she screams out loud and throws the jar to my chest. I sink on the bed. I feel tired. Shoulders heavy. Did I sleep for that long?
“Maka Sizi came by and fetched her.” She tells me but my mind is just stuck on the weird dream I had. Jele? We buried him months ago. Infact, we cremated him and that is what he wanted. A small intimate ceremony with just of his dew coworkers. His ashes are in the guest room that Nozi used to occupy. That is what was written in that stupid document. I get to burn his fucken entire body and save his fucken ashes, for what I have no idea. I live with a ghost. No wonder I just dreamt about it. The nanny walks out and tells to take a shower while she makes food for me. I do as told. The blanket he gave me? Maybe Nozi is having a male child. I swallow a bitter pill. It hurts that I failed to give her what she wanted the most. I let the hot water run through my entire body. If my skin peels off - I don't care. Maybe it's just what I need. After a long time standing in the water, I finally got out. I feel a bit lighter in every way. My shoulders no longer hurt. I find the bedding changed. Guess the nanny did the changing. I slip into conformable clothes and go down the stairs. Indeed, my food is in the microwave. Nothing special. Just and English breakfast. She knows her way around the kitchen, but I prefer Nozi’s cooking far better than anyone’s. That woman is a beast in the kitchen.
“I’ll be in the hospital if you need me.” I say already on my way out. I hate that I must leave my kids behind and go spend a lot in the hospital. I am not complaining. I know that it will be all worth it in the end. I need to pass by my parents' house. I just want to see them. I want to know what they never visited me while I was in prison. Why did they never come while I was in hospital. I park outside the gate. The gate is wide open and looks like everyone is here. I make my way in and the first person I see is my stepsister. I don’t know how to feel about this.
“Buti.” She is already hovering over me with her tight hugs. I pretend to smile. I don’t want her to feel awkward. I hugged her back.
“Kiddo.” That is how Nozi used to call her.
“Where is Malumekazi?” I swallow.
“She is at home.” I lie. She nods her head and smiles. She lets go of my waist and hip hop towards my car. These selfies will get these kids killed one day. Who breaks their leg when taking a selfie. These mouths turn into an O pouty way, something I cannot describe. I feel sorry for my car – honestly. I make my way to the house, and everyone is there. I stand by the door and watch them while they are having a blast of laughter. My father's eyes land on me. I am smiling not because I am seeing them. But I am smiling because I am hurt.
“Son.” The whole room becomes silent. I look at my mother who has abounded me when I needed her the most. I feel a lump stuck in my throat. My vision gets blurry. So, all this while, while I was suffering, they were busy here having the best tele show of their lives. I shake my head in disappointment. I have no words to describe how I feel at the moment. I walk out and say nothing. I am beyond hurt at this point. The amount of pain I am feeling is...
“Simphiwe!” that is my mother screaming her lungs out. I don't turn. She can now walk but she never bothered to come see me in hospital. I just want to be out of here. I now regret setting foot in the house in the first place. My car is just parked outside, I reverse and drive straight to the hospital. I want to see Nozi. She will heal my heart for the better - that I know. I can’t control my tears from falling. I park at the side of the road and let it all out. I am crying because I need a break from my life. I deserve to be happy to like every other married couple! I get it, I brought this upon myself, and I have no one to blame but this big head of mine. But when will I ever catch a break! I bang the steering wheel with my head and let out the excruciating cry. Maybe I will feel better.