SIMPHIWE SHANDU THE HUSBAND
CHAPTER 38
SIMPHIWE
The house looks and feels so quiet. The kids are in daycare. I had no other option. The situation I am currently in is straining all of my energy and time away. I am not in the mood for anything, and I will certainly will not like my kids to see me in this state. I just get easily irritated. Once I get irritated, I just lash out any how – I am trying to avoid all of that. I just want to have a peace of mind so that I could think, Will be fetching them on the weekend, hopefully by then my mind and soul would have rested to be in a better position.
“Nozi.” The television is on, but she is not in sight. I switch it off and look around the house. She told me that she wanted bread and bananas – and that is exactly what I bought her. She can’t demand things and later vanishes into thin air. I place the bananas on top of the coffee table. Something in me summons me to check the bedrooms from upstairs. The guestroom is empty, the kids' room is also empty. That means one thing, she is in her master bedroom. I know very well she dislikes the two bedrooms from downstairs. I also do, no doubt about that. I open the door and find her sleeping peacefully. Finding someone worth waking up to is better than looking for someone to sleep with. I kiss her forehead and smile. I can’t believe she is here with me again. Lord knows how much this woman means to me. I play with my wedding band with mixed emotions taking in. I just wish that the baby she is carrying was mine. But it's okay, we will figure it out along the way. Hopefully we will have one of our own in the future. I was told by my sister that the first child Nozi gets to conceive will never be mine and indeed it truly happened. And for that, I only have myself to blame and not anyone else. I take time looking at her and something is just off about her. When asleep – she is a heavy breather, and she gets to move a lot in her sleep. Her breathing patten is not normal. I place my finger underneath her nose and there is that faint breath. I feel my heart striking abnormally making my body weaken.
“Nozi!” I shake her in panic. A bottle drops on the floor - I feel my bladder getting full instantly. She can't do this to me, not when my life is starting to make sense because of her presence. I scoop her into my arms in a bridal style. She is just...
“Nozi, you know how to make me sweat!” I need to take her to the hospital before it's too late.
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They have been busy with her for almost an hour now. I cannot take the long wait. It’s just them getting to drain the dosage out of her system. I would have done it myself, but I couldn’t risk it – she is not alone, she has a little human being inside of her. I just want to know how she is doing. Two nurses walked past me...
“Excuse me. Are the doctors done with my wife?” They look at each other and frown. I shouldn’t have asked. They are just useless.
“No sir.” Useless bunch of nurses. Aren't they supposed to see who comes and goes. Who gets to be admitted. I see the doctor making his way towards me. He stands in front of me, and I just know what is next.
“How is she?” I cut him with all the formalities. I know that us doctors can waste one's time. He smiles. But I did not return one. Smiling for me is far from being visible.
“I forget that you are a doctor yourself.”
“How is she?’ The wait is killing me. I just want to know her state. What really happened to her to drink the whole bottle?
“She overdosed on painkillers. Luckily it did not harm the baby. The baby is alive and still very much active with a very strong heartbeat.” he taps on my shoulder. I sigh in relief. I don’t imagine anything happening to Nozi and the baby. This baby means so much to her. If she loses it, she would be torn apart. She would have been destroyed completely. She will just give up on life. “Was she trying to kill herself?? No matter how bad the situation is Noi would never consider taking her own life. This is defiantly farfetched to believe.
“Did she say why though?” I am sure there is a story behind it.
“She told us herself that she was having a headache, so she overdosed.” exactly! I know my Nozi will never do such! “I believe you should book her for counselling. She is not mentally okay, and she is pregnant...” Who is he now? My spokesperson. Nozi does not need any counselling. Girl is a solder, and she will survive this.
“Can I go see her?”
“Yes, but just for a little while. She needs rest.”
“Nozi.” I find her asleep with her body facing the wall. I sigh sitting on the chair that is beside the bed. “Do not ever scare me like that. You know I almost died.” She turns to face me with her puffy eyes. She is still crying.
“I just wanted to take the pain away. Why is it so hard to get rid of the pain I am feeling in my chest? Why am I feeling this way, Simphiwe?” She is way too emotional. I stand up and sit on the bed beside her.
“I know that you feel like God has forsaken you which is not the case here. Everything happens for a reason Dali. You go through certain phasis in life to get to reach that peaceful life. I am to be blamed for what you are going through.”
“I can't lose the only man that has ever loved me for who I am and what I am. Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.” She sniffs.
“I know that what people say - you'll get over it. I'd say it, too. But I know it's not true. Oh, you'll be happy again, never fear. But you won't forget. Every time you fall in love it will be because something in the man reminds you of him.” A little pinch of hurt I am feeling I don’t even know what the hell I was saying until I said the last part.
“When it's gone, I will know what a gift love was. So, I will go back and fight to keep it. Everyone keeps telling me that time heals all wounds, but no one can tell me what I’m supposed to do right now. Right now, I can’t eat. Right now, I still hear his voice and sense his presence even though I know he’s not here with me. What will it be if he truly departs from this world and gets to leave me behind. Right now, all I seem to do is cry. I know all about time and wounds healing, but even if I had all the time in the world, I still don’t know what to do with all this hurt right now. There is an ocean of silence between us… and I am drowning in it.” She sniffs but eventually lets it all out. I am lost for words. I was a true jerk to make another man to make her feel this way, feel loved and appreciated. A tear escapes my eye. I close my eyes and look up at the ceiling.
“I am so sorry.” That is all I could mutter. I am hurt that I failed to love her right! I wrap my arms around her neck and place her head on my chest. Her cries pierce right through my heart. I hate myself that I cannot take the pain she is feeling.
“Askies Dali wami.” That is all I can offer. The emotional support. Her cries are something that I cannot take honestly. She has suffered a lot because of me and now this...
Finally, she gets to sleep. After that whole emotional stage, she put me through, she has finally managed to come down. I untangle myself from her and get off the bed carefully not waking her up. I kiss her lips and step out. I need some time alone without Nozi and the kids. I wish I could smoke something that would make me high and forget the moment pf hurt that I am in. It hurts to see her cry for another man – a man that has been doing right by her. I remember this one time when I was going through a phase of depression. I failed all the modules, and it was the hardest time of my life. I ended up finding comfort in drugs but luckily Nozi was there to hold my hand throughout the process before I even became a junkie. That woman put up a lot for me. She was there through it, fail without fail and not for once has she ever judged me because of my past. It's time I returned the favor. I want to make her happy and wipe all the pain away from her - that’s if she allows me to.
“Stressful day?” asks a lady who was standing beside me. The smell of cigarettes is making me so eager to try it out once more. Just to have that puff. I don't want to go through that memory lane.
“Yea.” I see her smile.
“Handsome men don’t stress. Your eyes are so damn swollen. Have you been crying?” Ow I see where all of this is heading. If I was the old Simphiwe, trust me I would have given her my attention.
“I guess I have to go back.” I turn to leave.
“We can hang out some time later on.” she screams. Some women really have no shame. “I am a married man, and I am very much happy.” I shouted back. I want to see her for the last time before I get to go see Jele. I just want to have a word with him. All of this feels like a horror movie. A movie that I do not see myself as a starring in. I look at her, she is in deep sleep. My heart is still aching in pain for her and for myself. For the child she is caring and for the kids that I have abounded.
They are still busy with Jele will have to wait for the doctors to be done so that I can have a word with him.
JELE
I slowly open my eyes. Everything is just dark. All I can see is those blurry shadows. If I knew that my life would have turned out this way, I would have ended it way too quickly to avoid the pain. It’s just too much for me.
“No change.” Says the doctor. I can hear voices. All I want now is to lay to rest. Rest peacefully. The pain is not worth it. The pain is too much, and I cannot take it any longer. I sometimes wish that by tomorrow I do not get to wake up. It saddens me to see Nozi hurt in this manner. Whereas I am unable to comfort her at all. I am unable to do anything for her. I am just a bedridden zombie that gets to be turned aside. How I hated that life. I can only talk within myself, ask myself questions and get to answer them myself. Sighs...
“We will have to drain the water in his lungs to have him breathe properly.” The idea of people thinking on your behalf. That pipe is painful itself. At this moment I do not want anything coming close to me. This oxygen is one thing that I can manage with it until God decides otherwise about my life.
“Hmmm.” I make contact by blinking rapidly. I don’t want it!
“I think he is trying to communicate with us.”
“Are you in pain?” he asks, coming closer to inspect my eyes. I shake my head no. I try lifting my hand up, but it just falls back down. The powerless in me. Once upon a time there was a masculine Jele who loved being a doctor and who was very much in love with a woman called Nozi. Feels like all of this is a dream that is being shut down and shattered. What was his purpose in life again?
“What do you need?” I sigh in annoyance. The pain of not being understood. Now I understand the patients I use to treat. This is how they felt. Hopeless and useless.
“No draining.” I force my voice out making my chest to wheeze painfully. I cough up blood.
“You don’t want no draining?” he asks. Finally, he gets to understand my language. Again, I shake my head no. They look at each other and talk amongst themselves in a whisper. I will never agree to whatever they are insinuating. All I want is a peaceful sleep. No one will ever understand the position I am in. I know my ancestors are waiting for me on the other side of the world. Where I will watch over the woman I love. They both walk out, and I am left to think about my current situation. Nozi hasn’t come in today and I don’t know if she will come through. I just keep checking the door – hoping that I see her tall self-walking through that door. I feel sleep taking over but I fight. I want Nozi to find me awake so she can tell me how her day has been. I want to hear her ugly cries and how much she misses me. I miss her much more than anyone can imagine. My eyelids are failing to do anything at this moment. Hopefully, by the time I get to wake up she will be here next to me...
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Waking up I find Simphiwe sitting next to the chair opposite him. He looks drained and tired. I smile, Nozi has him by her toes. She can be extra at times but that is just something that makes her stand out even more. I clear my throat to get his attention. He tilts his head to look at me. His eyes are bloody shot red. This is the look I was not expecting. My throat suddenly feels dry and hurts even more.
“Wh... what happened?” I am surprised with myself that my voice finally came out through those shooting pains.
“Nothing. I am just tired.” He is hiding something.
“Then why are y... you here?”
“Just to check up on you.” The response was way too quick. Very suspicious if you ask me.
“How is Nozi doing?” I searched for his reaction, but his face hardened.
“She is doing good. Just giving me a hard time.” He takes a deep breath and stands up.
“Why now?”
“Huh.” I am lost.
“Why are you letting me be with Nozi after you have taken her away from me? Why are you so keen and eager for me to have her again whereas she can get to date which ever man she chooses?”
“I believe everyone deserves a second change. Life is all about second chances. Not in every single aspect, of course, but we’re often granted a re-do without even realizing it. The truth is, some of us are given a lot more but instead of being grateful, we feel entitled. We take people for granted and become hateful when they finally refuse to forgive our mistakes over and over again. We’re only human, right? Every make mistake at some point. But when someone decides to forgive you and gives you another chance, you should grab it with both hands — because you might not get a third one. And another thing – it's better to pursue the devil you know than the devil you do not know. That is all I can say.” That speech just made me tired and begging for sleep again. The twist and turns I am having now are making me emotional. I wish I could take a deep breath and relax my muscles, but I cannot. It hurts the core.
“Just take care of her. I trust you with her.” I say closing my eyes. “When you leave here, pass by my house. There is a brown envelope underneath the mattress. I want you to have that and I believe you will use it wisely.”
“Okay.” I can feel his eyes on me. I too want to rest. Whatever emotional phase he is in – he shall overpower it on his own. I have way too much to handle at the moment. Footsteps fading. I slowly open my blurry vision and I can see his shadow disappearing along the corridors. Now I am left to think again!