Jaemin knew it would be torture. He'd tried so hard to prepare himself, convince himself that it's what he needs, and he agrees, it is. But not talking to Haechan is so much worse than he imagined. It feels like he's traded one pain for other.
I miss you
He wants to text Haechan, apologize for cutting off contact and make him feel bad, he wants to hug him and kiss him and just be with him forever. He wishes it could be that simple. He knows it's not.
Jisung❤️, Tennn<3, Wooooo<3
Jaemin
What do I do?
Wooooo<3
How wrong would I be for
assuming who this is about?
Jaemin
Not wrong at all
I miss him
I miss him so much
He probably hates me
Jisung❤️
He does not
He couldn't
Jaemin
He used to
Jisung❤️
That was never hate
Jaemin
Doesn't matter what it was, he didn't
like me then and he probably doesn't
like me now
Jisung❤️
Why are you so convinced he
doesn't love you?
Jaemin
Cause this entire thing is hard to believe
To be honest, his feelings about me
make more sense than any of yours
Him not liking me and finding my people-pleasing and sensitivity inconvenient is probably the most
normal way you could react to me
And fine, he loves me now
But WHY?
I just don't understand any of this
Tennn<3
Jaemin, who the hell convinced
you you're hard to love?
Jaemin
I don't know
I can't win
Not trying to make people happy and preserve their feelings makes me
hard to like but then doing that also
makes me hard to like cause I'm too
hard to deal with
Wooooo<3
Can I say something you might
not like?
Jaemin
Go ahead
Wooooo<3
I think you should take more time
before you do anything about
anybody but especially Haechan
I think you have pent up anger
towards him and it's making it
hard for you to believe what's
happening because you didn't get
along that well then
You have so much love to give but
you don't give any of it to yourself
I'm sure you'll still be wanting
your feelings reciprocated but it
will be easier if you actually value
yourself and understand that you're
worthy of someone being in love
with you
Without using someone else's
feelings as your only proof
Tennn<3
He's right, baby
You're only gonna feel worse if
you keep relying on other people's
feelings about you
And it's not healthy
It's okay to miss Haechan but you
have to remind yourself that
you're doing this for you
And that's the most important thing
You are so loved and none of that is
changing
Jaemin
What am I supposed to do when
I wanna be around him?
When I keep torturing myself with
the drawing or the mini flowers or
the fucking kisses when I'm not
around jar
I want HIM
Maybe I didn't let go of the past but
I still want Haechan and it hurts
almost as much as this does
Jisung❤️
Be honest, if you spoke to Haechan
about how you're feeling, do you
think you'd be okay?
Do you trust that you won't be
anticipating validation from him?
Would you still be able to take
time for yourself afterwards?
I'm not trying to make things hard
for you, I just want you to actually
think about be considerate to your
own feelings
Jaemin
I don't know
Erm not really
I don't know again
Jisung❤️
Those aren't great answers, baby
Jaemin
I know
It's just so hard for me
I don't even know how to help myself
Jisung❤️
It's okay
Let's just take this one step at a
time
What would you the most right now?
Jaemin
A distraction from my problems
Jisung❤️l
We'll put that to the side
The other option?
Jaemin
I don't think I can talk to Haechan
without wanting to quit this break
And I don't know how to love myself
Jisung❤️
Jisung❤️
Do they know that you crossdress?
Jaemin
No
Jisung❤️
Do you ever wear your clothes
out in public?
Jaemin
Rarely
And it's never anything too obvious
Jisung❤️
What about makeup?
Jaemin
I never wear it in public, if freaks me
out
Jisung❤️
But do you feel good when you
dress up?
Jaemin
Yeah...
Jisung❤️
Then I think you should do it
more
You don't have to go out if it makes
you uncomfortable but just try
getting dressed up and admire
yourself
And me and Lele both know so
you can always come here in
whatever you want
Jaemin
I'm gonna tell Ten and Jungwoo
Jisung❤️
Baby, are you sure?
Jaemin
Being myself will probably help
And I want more people to do that
with
If I can
Jisung❤️
Okay
I'm here
Jisung❤️, Tennn<3, Wooooo<3
Jaemin
I crossdress
And wear makeup
Tennn<3
Is that what you were worried
about Taeil telling us?
Jaemin
Yeah...
Wooooo<3
You're always accepted and loved
by us
The clothes you wear or the product
on your face doesn't change that
None of our reasons for loving you
have anything to do with your
appearance
We love you for you
Tennn<3
Please don't ever feel like you
should yourself from us
And honestly, baby, we really don't
give a fuck
Jaemin
I love you guys
Tennn<3
I love you too
Wooooo<3
I love you too
Jisung❤️
I love you
Jaemin
Can any of you hangout?
Right now, I really think I just need
to be with someone I love
Tennn<3
You can visit me at the tattoo
shop
Jaemin
Isn't Kun there?
Tennn<3
Yeah but I can talk to him for
you if you want
Jaemin
Please do
"Hey, Kun?" Ten asks
"Yeah?"
"If I came in here wearing a skirt and glittery eyeshadow, how would you react?"
"Do you plan on doing that?" Ten doesn't answer, just waiting for his respond. "Wait, are you trying to see how Yangyang would feel or something? 'Cause he already thinks you're pretty and I'm sure a skirt and eyeshadow would only emphasize that?"
"Goddammit, Kunnie, I'm asking if you'd be disgusted with me!"
Kun gives the male a weird look. "No, why would I?"
"Because some people think clothes and makeup have a gender."
"You really think I'm one of those people?"
"Just making sure. Anyways, it's not about me. My friend is coming to visit and the last thing he needs is to deal with an asshole. And I told him I'd talk to you."
"Which friend?"
Ten hesitates before occupying himself with his phone as he says, "Uh, you'll see."
➳
"You couldn't have told me it was Jaemin?"
Ten gestures to the male. "You see him now, don't you?"
Kun rolls his eyes before facing Jaemin and smiling at him. "You look gorgeous, Jaemin."
Jaemin blushes. "Oh, uh, thank you."
"Ever think about getting tattoos?"
"Yeah, I'm just scared of the pain."
"Oh, I see."
Ten raises an eyebrow at Kun. "Is that the best you can do?"
"What?"
"Jaemin, baby, have guy eaten dinner?"
"Not yet."
"Were you gonna have ramen again?"
"Probably. Or just order something, I don't really feel like cooking today."
"We'll order something. It's Kuns turn to pay."
Kun sighs but nods. "It is. By the way, I have no problem with it, I just hate Ten being smug."
Ten smiles at him. "Too bad."
Something behind Kun catches his eye. Jaemin starts to panic when he sees a figure approach the door. The door chimes as Yangyang walks in.
His eyes widen at the sight of Jaemin in black turtleneck with a necklace over the collar underneath a cream-colored leather jacket and tucked into a plaid bodycon skirt with black tights underneath, wearing tall grey boots. As he gets closer, his notices his makeup, finding the glittery peach eyeshadow, black eyeliner, and shiny pink lipgloss wonderful on him.
Jaemin starts to calm down when Yangyang smiles instead of look disgusted.
"Jaemin, you look amazing!" He doesn't hide his relief, having felt so stressed by the potential situation. Yangyang seems to get it as his mouth falls into an 'O' shape. "You thought my reaction would be worse, didn't you?"
"You can't really trust people not to have a bad reaction to things like this", Jaemin mutters.
"You're unfortunately right. But don't worry about me, I just think you look great. And I'm used to seeing a male wear feminine things. You know, Renjun?" Jaemin nods. "His closet is full of, like, crop tops and skirts and dresses and he's a stylist so he's really good at makeup. He, um, designs stuff too. I don't know if you saw but he made Chenle and Jisung pink bodysuits."
"Both of them?"
Yangyang nods.
Jaemin immediately goes on his phone and starts texting Jisung.
Jisung❤️
Jaemin
So I hear Renjun made you and Lele
pink bodysuits
Jisung❤️
How on Earth do you know that?
Jaemin
I have my ways
So...
Did you take a picture?
Jisung❤️
Are you with Ten?
Jaemin
Yes
Jisung❤️
Then you can't see right now
Jaemin
Fineeee
But you have to show me
Jisung❤️
Not looking forward to it
You'll see why
Jaemin
What's so bad about it?
➳
My Love #1
My Love #1
Cookie
Haechan
Yeah?
My Love #1
I have an...update
Haechan
Okay
My Love #1
Jaemin misses you and he wants to
talk to you but there's more going
on with him
You know how Jaemin would call
himself something like a
people-pleasing freak?
Haechan
I don't like where this is going
My Love #1
He calls himself that because he
doesn't like himself, he measures
his worth by other peoples
feelings and opinions towards him
Me, Jungwoo, and Ten told him to
take time to love himself
Speaking to you will be part of his
healing process but he doesn't think
he can do it right now because he
misses you too much
Haechan
I miss him too but I'm glad he's gonna
take time to care for himself. I didn't
realize he doesn't love himself and I'm
sure I didn't make it better
When he's ready, I wanna talk to him
too and apologize for how I was
before, he deserves that
My Love #1
How are you feeling right now?
Haechan
Remorseful. I wanna hug Jaemin and
try to make him feel how much I love
him. I wish I could return the same
love he has for me but I'm not there
yet
My Love #1
Are you still being yourself up
over that?
Haechan
It's more about me hurting him in
any way than that particular way
My Love #1
Got it
Have you hung out with Doyoung
anymore?
Haechan
I text him at least
I had a video call with him and Johnny
the other not
Doyoung yelled at Johnny to stop being
shy or he'd give him something to be
worried about
My Love #1
He's funny
I'm (lightly) suffering so much. I have something similar to an ear infection (I saw a doctor, he prescribed me medicine dw) and so I lost a lot of hearing in my right ear and so when people talk to me, it's so difficult sometimes. Like I've experienced this a couple of times but it's a lot more because of this that like sometimes when someone talks to me, I literally cannot focus or understand what they're saying. Like it's like I have to work double-time to comprehend a basic sentence and it's so frustrating and embarrassing because I don't wanna say "what?" 5,000 times. Like I'll be using 100% of my concentration and still end up with a 0% idea of what they're saying to me. Like WHY??!!
Ngl I'm a little unmotivated and like lacking ideas for this so like...please share with the class
I think I previously said I have a plan and I do, don't get me wrong, butttt I feel like it's missing something that I'm just not coming up with
OH I JUST GOT REMINDED OF SOMETHING, I'LL SHOW YOU AFTER THIS
SPOILERRRRRRR
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.. .--- -...-..-.. ---..-. -.........
..-... Guess the rest of it
I know at least one of you will understand that. Enjoy :)
I LOVE YOU
Not proofread❤️