The morning light of the sun's bright beams shone through my window, softly blinding me as my eyes began to blink open.
I stared blankly at the glaring red numbers before me at the side of my bed, seeing them screaming at me that it was almost 6am in the morning.
I huffed, annoyed that it was so bloody early.
My body was exhausted, yet my mind was wide awake, buzzing with everything that I had learned in the last 24 hours.
I had questions that needed answering immediately, and yet I couldn't move.
I didn't want to move.
I felt safe in my confinement of Harry's arms and my duvet, and the thought of having to leave my little safe haven that Harry had built for me was hard enough as it was- but I knew I had to face the music and leave this bedroom one way or another.
Peeling myself away from Harry's comfortable, yet highly tight limbs after he had held me all night long, I managed to quietly get myself ready by pulling on some fresh underwear and my jogging bottoms that had been left on the floor from the night before previously.
Making a quick escape to the bathroom, I did my business on the toilet and washed my hands, before splashing my tired face with freezing cold water (that would hopefully ease the painful bags under my eyes).
Next, I brushed my teeth in a manner that made me look like I was barely breathing let alone alive, before scraping my hair back with a head band.
I wanted my hair completely off my face, because I wanted Gran to know how much damage had been inflicted on me because of the lies and deceit that had been bestowed onto me.
Re-entering my bedroom, I made sure Harry was still fast asleep and blew him a kiss goodbye, not wanting to wake him from his slumber.
He was gone to the world, his arms now wrapped around my pillow (I guess that was my substitute) as he laid in a foetal position, his legs curled and his back arched inwards.
I smiled at him, my eyes flicking to his face before I grabbed my phone and shut the door to the bedroom quietly, careful not to disturb him.
Harry was exhausted too, and after being with me all night and comforting me as I pretty much spent the whole of last night crying, he needed as much rest and sleep as possible before our drive back home to London.
I tried to contain the sounds within my throat, focusing on my breathing and emotions, whilst I stared down at my feet while walking downstairs.
The floorboards were creaking beneath me as I heard the television blaring lowly from the kitchen.
It dawned on me suddenly that I wasn't the only one awake in the household, and knowing that Harry was asleep in my room there was only one other person it could have been.
I contemplated turning back and running to my bedroom because I wasn't ready for the face off with my Gran just yet.
I was still so raw and traumatised by what I had found out, and I didn't want to hurt her with my anger.
In retrospect, even though she had lied to me, she had been hurt too and I knew that deep down.
She had lost her daughter and her grandson in the space of a month, and the only thing she had left of my mother was me.
So I wanted to take it easy on her, but I was so conflicted- and still so angry.
I just didn't know what to do with myself.
"Isabelle?"
I froze at the top of the stairs, hearing my name fall from her shaky, yet nervous voice.
Don't turn around, don't turn around.
"I've just put the kettle on, love. Would you like one?" She nervously asked, just as I eventually turned and gazed at her from over my shoulder.
She looked... broken, to say the least.
Her hair was a mess, she looked like she had slept roughly the same amount as me and she wasn't even dressed yet- which wasn't Gran at all.
"I can make you breakfast too if you like?" She offered feebly, "I can get you some toast, jam and butter.... or I can make your favourite, cheese on toast? Anything you want, would you like that?"
Truthfully, I was feeling too sick to eat, but this was clearly her way of making it up to me, to try and make amends.
And if making me breakfast and a cup of tea was the start of that, then who was I to stop her?
I still loved her regardless and she was important to me, she was still my grandmother at the end of the day and I still had a lot to learn about responsibility I guess.
Being a adult often meant that you had to make hard hitting decisions- even if I was furious with her regarding the total secrecy surrounding this family.
So I found myself nodding, agreeing to her offer, sucking up and swallowing my pride in order to make her feel better... and myself, I guess.
She smiled brightly at me, pleasantly surprised by my agreement of her offer.
"Will Harry be joining us?" She asked, and I shook my head, unable to talk just yet; "Right, okay." She smiled softly at me, "I was hoping he wouldn't, not for a while anyway... I think we need that time alone, don't we? I'll set the table up then. Breakfast will be ready in fifteen minutes." She responded, before nodding courteously and flapping off into the front room.
I stood there for a second, chewing on my lip when I heard a creak behind me.
My eyes focusing on a half naked Harry (he was wearing underwear) standing in the doorway, I couldn't help but smile at him as I took in his dishevelled hair.
His sleepy state was adorable and after releasing a half lazy yawn, Harry leaned against the door frame of my bedroom.
"I'm so proud of you, Izzy."
"Why?" I asked, confused by his appraisal of me.
"Because you're being the bigger person. You're already being what your parents knew you would be- strong." He said quietly, "Last night was hard, but you're dealing with it already, not shutting her out or anyone else out for that matter. You really are strong."
"I don't feel very strong." I admitted.
"Probably not right now, no, but you will be after all of this. You'll be stronger than ever." Harry said softly, his eyes flicking up to meet my own; "She loves you, so go easy on her... try not to get too angry."
"Understatement of the century..." I muttered.
"Izzy, it's hard for her too. Don't forget, she had to bury her own child." He whispered gently, "I don't want to hurt you when I say this, but you of all people should know what a loss of a child is like. You're both in this, you've both been hurt, lost something valuable to you and secrets have unravelled... but you two are more alike and similar than you realise. You have a lot in common, Iz."
I chewed on my lip, removing my eyes from his face as I leaned against the wall for support.
I knew he was right, because all through my childhood I knew the loss of my mother had hit my Gran really hard.
So I couldn't imagine what it must have been like for her, as a mother, when she found out that her baby had been brutally attacked and then chose to die afterwards.
No mother should ever go through that.
Granted, I had no control over losing Oscar, but then neither had Gran with my mother.
"Just goin' for a wee..." Harry said, catching me out of my thoughts; "And then I'm going back to bed, so I'll leave you to it. You know where I am if and when you want me... Just listen babe, listen to each other and continue being strong."
"Harry?"
"Hm?"
"Thank you." I swallowed, "Thank you for being my rock. I love you."
Harry smiled sleepily, his beautiful face becoming more accentuated because of the perfect structure of his defined jaw and dimples.
"I love you too." he replied, before slinking off towards the bathroom, my eyes firmly glued at the way his bum wiggled; "Stop staring at me, woman."
I smirked, unable not too, turning on the spot to walk back down the stairs as I heard the bathroom door close behind me.
As I walked, my hand holding onto the bannister, it suddenly dawned on me that I probably wouldn't be half the woman that I was today if it hadn't been for Harry.
He had changed me, mostly for the better.
If I didn't have him beside me during this current nightmare that I was going through, God only knows how I would have handled this predicament without him.
Actually, God knows where I'd be without him full stop.
Slowly moving from the bottom of the stairs and into the front room, I marvelled at how clean everything was.
I knew Gran was really house proud, but everything seemed much more cleaner... it was as if she had nothing better to do and had cleaned simply to keep her mind occupied while I had been locked upstairs with Harry and my father's letter.
Can I even call him that now?
Is he my father?
The radio was playing quietly in the corner, and as I turned to enter the kitchen; I noticed a distinct smell of burning... like, insanely bad toast-burning smelling.
The table had been set just like Gran had said it would be and I noticed that there were two cups on the counter ready for the boiled water to be added in.
On the side, was her favourite marmalade, jam and butter, along with the cheese that Gran had obviously grated for me just before hand.
I quickly ran to the toaster, pulling out the plug and waving my hand excessively over the top of the toaster, hoping to minimise the stench of burning toast in the air.
I frowned, noticing that the dial was only on number 3, which is what both Gran and I used on the toaster- but it wasn't hot enough to make it burn that much.
Delicately using my fingertips, I hissed loudly as I picked at the charcoal toast, throwing it to one side after it burned into my skin lightly.
"Gran?" I called out, turning to my side to see where the bloody hell she was; "You must have pressed the toaster down again, you've burned the bloody toast now." I muttered playfully, tutting as I walked towards the bread bin; "Will have to put another-"
I froze.
"Isabelle."
I stood still, my eyes locked on her, hearing the croak in her voice.
"Isabelle." She repeated.
I snapped out of it immediately and rushed to her side on the floor, my knees skimming across the cold, hard tiles.
Panic immediately rode over me.
My heart was racing and I couldn't for the life of me understand why she was on the floor in the first place.
My mind became consumed with thoughts that she had fallen over and that this was the start of the beginning- those little accidents and falls that would deem her unsafe; and how she couldn't be left alone in her own house anymore.
In that split second, I knew that I would have to take her to hospital and get her seen too.
I also knew that I wouldn't be able to just leave her here after this, so she would have to come back to London with Harry and I.
She had no choice on the matter, she was the only family I had left (apart from Ryan) and the only blood relative that I knew and felt safe with, despite the fact she had lied to me for almost 22 years.
But none of that didn't matter now, she needed me- just as much as I needed her.
I gazed at her, seeing how pasty white her skin was, small beads of sweat gathering at different spots on her forehead.
Deep down I knew it was something much more than this, because this was no fall or accident.
Still, I swallowed deeply and refused to believe that something sinister was going on.
"I'm sorry." Gran rasped, her chest rattling with heaves that was making it difficult for her breathe properly; "I'm sorry for it all-"
I shook my head, defiantly.
This was not happening, she was not doing this to me, no fucking way.
We had so much more to discuss, so much to talk about and so much forgiveness to be handed out as we spoke about everything concerning the secrecy in our family.
We still had so much to do.
"No, no you don't- none of that, you're going to be fine and-" I trembled, my hand grasping at hers; "You need to get up off the floor, I'll call Harry and-"
"Isabelle." she firmly said once again.
Her voice commanded for my attention, telling me to shut up and listen to her.
"I'm not going anywhere with you, sweetheart. I'm sorry. I don't know... what's really happening... but, I- it's not good, I know that much."
"Gran- please-"
She tugged at my hand, making me lean closer towards her.
Ducking my head, I heaved into her as she stroked my face, her delicate fingers brushing through my hair as she took another deep, long breath.
"I just wanted what was best for you-" she stammered, "And I know you're angry with me... but I really need you to know that I'm sorry, darling."
I cried, unable to stop the emotion building up in my throat and chest from bursting out.
"You're fine, you're going to be fine-" I argued tearfully, "Harry will get you to hospital and the doctors will take care of you, and then you can come home with us, we have plenty of room-"
She took my hand, interrupting me as she squeezed my fingers tightly.
"Harry will do no such thing." She whispered breathlessly, "He loves you, so very much... and I know how much you love him too. Be happy, Isabelle."
I choked.
Why was she saying goodbye?
"Don't." I begged her tearfully, "Please- I need you, I can't do any of this without you- you're all I have left-"
Gran smiled weakly, her breaths becoming hollow.
"You're stronger than you think. Definitely your mother's daughter."
"Gran..."
"Don't let what's happened control the rest of your life..." she whispered in little gasps, "Live and be happy. Do me proud, like you've always done-"
"You can't do this!" I argued tearfully, reaching to get up from my knees on the floor; "I'm calling for an ambulance-"
I pulled away from her, grabbing at my phone that was buried deep in my pocket.
"Let me go, love." She whispered, "I'm ready-"
"I'm not." I cracked, my tears bubbling and pouring out of me, my fingers scrambling over the numbers on my screen; "I'm not ready to let you go-"
"You've always been ready." she smiled weakly, the numbers 999 glaring back at me, "You have Harry now, he's your family... he'll take care of you, and you will take care of him-"
I shook my head defiantly again, clicking the button to call for the emergency services.
"Gran, you're not going anywhere. You're not, I need you here, you can't leave me too- I won't let you-"
"Not leaving sweetheart, I'll always be here." She spoke softly, her eyes moving to the side of the kitchen, focusing into mid air; "Your mother's waiting for me... they all are. Everyone."
"Stop talking like that! You're going into hospital and we'll find out what's wrong, and the doctors will be able to help you and-" I paused momentarily, hearing the voice of the operator coming through; "H-h-hello, yes I need an ambulance please- I need one as soon as possible-"
"Isabelle..." Gran rasped out again, as the woman operator began asking me questions regarding Gran's state of health; "I love you..."
"I don't know, she was making breakfast and then when I came downstairs, I found her on the floor and- she- she-"
"Okay, calm down love, can you give me your name, the patient's name, her date of birth, any allergies and health problems that our paramedics can be made aware of just in case please?"
I nodded, somehow listing the necessary information that she needed to build up Gran's medical record.
"And is there anyone with you both now, Isabelle?" She asked.
"My boyfriend, he's upstairs and-"
"Will you be able to get him?" She interrupted.
"Why? What for?"
"Just so you're not alone when the paramedics arrive and do their work lovely, that's all. It's nice to have someone there for support while all of that is going on, especially as we don't know what the exact underlying problem is just yet-"
I nodded, even though she couldn't see me.
Turning around on the spot, I noticed that Gran was literally failing by the minute and whatever it was that was happening inside of her right now, was making her weaker and diminishing her life force by the second.
Horror stilled in my expression, I let the phone drop to the kitchen counter as I rushed to her side, watching her contently.
Her voice was grave but sweet, my hand now clutched around hers as I tried to make her comfortable by lifting her head onto my lap.
My heart was clenching, my chest tightening, my shaking hands stroking her face as I gazed down at her tearfully.
I knew what was happening deep down, and even though I had tried to fight it earlier, what was happening was inevitable.
She looked so beautiful and old, and the more she was giving up, the more I could see just how much life had affected her.
I laughed tearfully, seeing her dyed hair that was used to cover up her greys, and the way her cheeks hung loosely the more she began to relax.
Her thin lips were pressed together, and the lines of her journey through life became more evident on her face.
Yet she was still so perfect, so beautiful and she was everything that I wanted to be when I was her age.
Still, as I watched her, I couldn't scream, I couldn't cry out, I couldn't do anything.
I just sat with her, watching her as she gazed up at me, smiling ever so softly as she took her last breath right before my very eyes... and her chest stilled beneath me.
And right there and then, my whole world had ended once again.
The inextinguishable feeling of pain, heartbreak and devastation suddenly flooded itself back into my life once again.
I felt grateful that I was sitting down... I was sure my legs would have given away otherwise.
I did the only thing I could think of, that deemed fit enough for her, for me, for us.
Our final goodbye for the one person who had brought me up, given me everything that she could have and had tried her best to keep me safe from emotional harm all of her life.
I closed her eyes and kissed her forehead, feeling utterly numb, the tears softly running down my face.
"You're all together, now." I whispered through my racket of gentle sobs; "Say hi to mum and dad for me, and Oscar too... yeah?"
And then I wailed.
***
I stared at the wall, feeling utterly emotionless.
How much more could I handle, honestly?
How was it possible for so much to change in the space of a few days?
I had been given the God's honest truth in the form of my letter from dad, lies were uncovered and my heritage discovered, the truth about Ryan's adoption was revealed and when I felt ready enough to face Gran and take all of this on head first with her, my world was ripped and torn apart in the process once again.
And now, I was completely and utterly done with everything.
An aneurysm, they said, is what finally took Gran.
Without realising, she had been suffering with a bulge or a 'pocketing' on the wall lining of a vessel commonly occurred in the blood vessels at the base of the septum, or within the aorta; or so the doctor said.
I wasn't paying much attention, but when the doctors returned to Harry and I in the family room, they explained that ventricular aneurysms are the most common type of aneurysms of the heart, occurring most often following either a stroke or a heart attack.
One doctor though, had stuck around and gave us both a bit more knowledge regarding the whole aneurysm thing... and whereas I had only listened to half a conversation, Harry seemed to be taking it all in and soaking up everything like a sponge.
"Ventricular aneurysms are usually complications resulting from a heart attack mostly, and judging that your grandmother had one roughly ten years ago Miss Thomas, her heart muscle had partially died during the attack."
I said nothing, I just kept my tired, exhausted eyes on the wall before me.
Harry's hand was tightly wrapped around mine, resting perfectly just above my thigh, my mind running off into the danger zone of endless thoughts and questions of 'why' and 'what if'.
Why had this happened?
Why now?
Why didn't it happen sooner or later?
What if Gran had more secrets to tell?
What if she had more information about Ryan and how I could get his address?
Why had this happened today, of all the days to die, why today?
I felt like I was endlessly drowning in a pool of heartache, and at one point it even crossed my mind if I was meant to just live my life in misery, anger and devastation, because it had been all that I had ever known in my 21 years of life.
But then there was Harry, the one beacon of light I had left and the one person who had brought me back to life.
I wasn't so sure if he could do it again.
"Afterwards, a layer of muscle may survive, but with being severely weakened from a heart attack, it starts to become an aneurysm and the blood may flow into the surrounding dead muscle and inflate the weakened flap of muscle into a bubble- which later bursts, which I'm sorry to say, is what happened to your grandmother."
Once again, I said nothing, I just stared into space and wondered how long this was going to take.
I had a million and one things to do, like calling the undertaker, I had to make a start on the funeral arrangements, I had to find the deed papers to mum and dad's resting place that were now officially in my name after Gran's passing (seeing as she was going to be cremated and put in the family plot- that much I knew) and I had to message Ryan too, he deserved to know... and then there was Phoebe, I had to call all of Gran's friends, the announcement in the paper-
"Izzy." Harry's voice came loudly, knocking me out of my thoughts; "You okay, baby?"
I quickly nodded, not wanting to worry him any further.
Harry seemed to accept my so called reassurance and turned back to face the doctor.
"Why wasn't anything done to stop this?" Harry asked, almost barking at the doctor in reply and interrupting my thought process; "For the last ten years, couldn't something have been done to prevent this from happening?"
Good question, I thought.
"Unless Mrs Thomas had been in any sort of pain, we wouldn't have known any different Mr-"
"Styles." Harry finished, "But please, call me Harry." He offered, "And I'm not family, I'm her-"
"He is." I corrected him, our fingers locking tighter; "He's all the family I have left, now."
Harry smiled softly at me, appreciating the gesture.
The doctor smiled politely.
"Like I said, unless Mrs Thomas reported any pain or symptoms that would be similar to an aneurysm, none of us would have known that this was going to happen. Ventricular aneurysms usually grow at a very slow pace, but can still pose problems overtime. Usually this type of aneurysm grows in the left ventricle and this bubble had the potential to block blood flow to the body, and thus limit the patient's stamina... has she been under any sort of stress, at all?"
Harry's eyes instantly flickered over to me.
"There's been some, um, family issues..." He explained, to which the doctor nodded in response.
"That may have been the cause to make the bubble burst- stress is a huge factor in these things and it maybe the reason why Mrs Thomas deteriorated quickly after the actual burst happened-"
I stared at the doctor, his words hitting me like a speeding train and truck combined.
"This is my fault." I whispered, the guilt filling me up; "This is all my fault-"
"No it isn't." Harry insisted, before twisting to face the doctor; "She's upset, she doesn't know what she's saying- there's been some unresolved family issues and-"
"It's all my fault. I caused this. I caused her distress-"
"What's happened has been a terrible shock, Miss Thomas- it's perfectly natural to feel this way, but honestly, there was nothing-"
"You said stress is a huge factor, and I had stressed her out completely- before she gave us the letter, remember?" I shot at Harry, "We had that argument and- I wouldn't speak to her, I blocked her out, wouldn't let her come to my room-"
"Izzy, this is not your fault." Harry insisted, "You didn't know this was going to happen, and neither did she, we couldn't have foreseen this, baby. And you were angry, you were entitled to be angry... and she gave you the space you wanted too, remember-"
"It's all my fault. I killed her, Harry." I trembled, my stomach twisting and turning in a motion that was making me feel sick; "My actions caused her to die- I'm so unbelievably selfish, if I hadn't have reacted that way then she'd still be here-"
"But we don't know that for sure-" Harry said gently, "Tell her doc, please-"
"Look, everyone is upset." The doctor said slowly, "Why don't you both go home and come back tomorrow, you've had a hell of a shock Miss Thomas and it'll do you the world of good if you go home and get yourself together."
"And what am I supposed to do then, hm? Just sit in silence? How am I supposed to go back to the house that she passed away in and stay in there until I leave to go back to my own home?"
He was only trying to help, but I couldn't help myself.
"We don't have to go back there, Iz- I can get a hotel, we can stay elsewhere for the night if you want too?" Harry offered, twisting his body to completely face me; "Whatever you want babe, I'll do it. I'll make it happen."
"Just do what feels right for you, Miss Thomas. There's no rush when it comes to grief... take every day in your own stride and just do things in your own time." The doctor replied, "And please, if you need anything at all, my colleagues and I will be glad to assist you."
I nodded, unable to say anything else.
"Thank you," Harry murmured, standing up to shake his hand, "Thank you for everything. We really do appreciate it."
"Just doing my job." The doctor smiled, "I'll see you both tomorrow. I'll have the medical certificate ready then too, as you'll need that to register the death. Have you thought about the funeral arrangements as of yet?"
I shook my head.
"It's a bit soon for all of that, isn't it?" Harry questioned, "She's not long passed, shouldn't we let her get her head around this first-"
"The busier she is, the better it'll be in the long run." The doctor replied, "It's also worth looking into how the funeral will be funded, Miss Thomas."
"How'd you mean?" I asked, frowning; "I don't understand-"
"Well, the funeral can be paid for from a financial scheme the person had, for example maybe your grandmother had a pre-paid funeral plan or insurance policy?"
"I wouldn't know-" I stammered, "She never told me about that kind of stuff-"
"Or if not, perhaps money from the person's estate, or savings maybe? Or failing that, I'm sure the entire family will be able to help fund the funeral." He said, before he nodded courteously and leaving Harry and I alone in the family room.
His words cut through me like a knife.
The entire family.
I bit my lip, unable to suppress the tears that were forcing their way through.
My entire family was Harry now, he was all I had left in the world; and even though Ryan was my brother, I couldn't expect him to put a penny towards the arrangements after what had happened to him.
Not that I could blame him at all.
I couldn't even expect him to come for the funeral, seeing as we had never even met nor did he know Gran what so ever.
To him, she was nothing but a stranger... he had every right to turn her away just like our father had turned him away.
But I had hope, at least.
A girl could have a bit of hope, couldn't she?
Maybe this is what we needed to reunite, a reason, and maybe this is what Gran had wanted for us finally, after all of these years... to be brought back together in the midst of loss and heartbreak, which had separated us in the first place.
Ironic, really.
"You don't have to worry about a thing," Harry said quietly, "What's mine is yours and what's yours is mine, you know that Izzy... if there's no insurance or anything like that, you know you don't have to worry about a thing. I'll take care of everything. I promise."
I revelled in his touch, feeling his warmth radiate as he moved closer towards me, hands stroking at my neck as he pulled me closer, our foreheads eventually balancing against one another's.
"Thank you, Harry. Thank you."
He said nothing, his mouth just slightly twitching into a smile before we kissed gently, locked away privately in the safe confinement of the family room at the hospital.
"Anytime, baby. Come on, let's get you out of here, Iz."