Chaeyoung always hated parties. She hated the loud, revel music. She hated the pretentious smiles and the people walking in every which way.
She wouldn't be in one if it wasn't for Lisa and her demanding line of work that requires her to show up.
Chaeyoung pushed her way through the sea of people, looking for her wife that had disappeared the second they stepped foot on the venue.
And there she found her, standing by the balcony railings, smoking.
Chaeyoung slowly walked up to the woman. She was filled with immense fear but she knew she had to tell her before the night ends.. before the alcohol leaves her system and she's back to her cowardly old self when the sun is up.
She dreaded telling her the truth because once she finds out.. when she finally knows everything, it's over.
"Lisa." She felt the pieces of her heart come apart as she uttered her name. Probably because she knows that it's gonna be the last time she would ever call her name. One thing she's certain about is that after tonight, Lisa will never want to speak to her again.
The woman quickly flicked the cigarette off and turned around, greeting her with a wide smile.
How could you smile like that? She thought. She didn't deserve it, not after what she did.
"We need to talk." Chaeyoung spoke again, eyes never leaving the latter as her smile slowly disappeared.
"Is this about us?" Lisa asks, her face remained stolid as if she had already anticipated what was gonna happen.
There, that's the look that I deserve.
Chaeyoung looks away and mumbled with a trembling voice, "I want a divorce."
She had thought about it a lot. Lost count of how many times she had said the words in her head over and over again. Practicing and memorizing how she would say it so it wouldn't hurt-but now that the words are out, she had realized that it didn't prepare her for the real thing.
What was she supposed to say after that? Lisa was waiting and all she could offer is the agonizing silence and a mind that had gone completely blank.
"Why?" The pain in Lisa's voice never missed her ear.
How could it? It was evident. She didn't need to look at her to know because it was all that she felt when Lisa asked that one word question. If anything, she owes her this-to stop pretending like the pain isn't there, like it's not always been there.
"Can we talk somewhere else?" She hesitated, it wasn't the right time to be asking such a thing but then again, they weren't in the right place to be talking about something personal.
"Do you wanna go home?" Lisa offered with a soft tone, it shattered her heart even more that she could only nod as a reply.
Chaeyoung wondered how she could be so composed when they both know that she's falling apart on the inside. She can't blame her though, because if she was in Lisa's place she too wouldn't want to show her vulnerable side to someone that is causing the pain.
Lisa has always been a finer actor than her. She could be going through an entire day of existential crisis or crippling anxiety and no one would know, not even her, until Lisa decides to tell her. She's the hardest to read while Chaeyoung is an open book, vocal and succinct. It didn't come as a surprise that she would be the one to say it first, to approach the topic of divorcing.
The drive to their house was slow and excruciating.
Lisa's eyes remained glued to the road. She kept quiet even when her mind was swarming with millions of questions. It doesn't help that Chaeyoung couldn't stay still in her seat. She could feel her deep glances pressing in on her, taking the very little air she had.
It's suffocating.
Breathe. Even the voices in her head were Chaeyoung's, soothing her.. and somehow, abating the storm within.
Deep breaths, Lisa. She obeyed, letting the air out slowly through her mouth.
That's it. She gripped the steering wheel, feeling her fingers tremble until it grew numb.
You're doing great, my love.
Lisa felt her eyes begin to water. She wanted to swerve out of the freeway and scream. Just scream the life and love out of her, until her throat burns and her lungs burst and her heart stops beating.
Until everything inside her shuts down, leaving her on the ground, unfeeling. Maybe then the pain will go away.
Chaeyoung was the first to go out of the car. If it wasn't for the impending doom that was waiting inside the house, Lisa would have laughed at how Chaeyoung practically jumped off her Rover. She always struggled climbing down, cursing as she walks to the front door.
But all Lisa could do now was hold back a sob at the memory.
Memories.
Fuck.
"FUCK!" She screamed, punching the steering wheel over and over and forgetting the fact that her wife could hear her through the thin walls separating their living room and garage.
Chaeyoung was waiting but certainly not for her to come home.
Calm down, you fucking loser. She tells herself inwardly.
You won't raise your voice and you will not lay a finger on her. You will listen to whatever she has to say and you will make it right even if it's the last thing you do for her. She lets out a deep breath, wiped the tears off her cheeks and smiled at the rear view mirror.
She finally walks inside, taking in the sight of their living room filled with pictures and her wife's paintings-the attestation to the life they have built together.. now crumbling apart with only a piece of paper to hold it together.
"I'm here." She heard her say from the kitchen.
Lisa dragged herself across the room, feeling her steps grow heavier as she approached the kitchen, where Chaeyoung sat by the counter and on top of it were neatly organized papers, something that Lisa recognized in an instant.
She had it all prepared.
She..
Lisa wanted to run by her side and drop to her knees if Chaeyoung demands, anything and everything there is to do to make her stay.
But if she had gone through lengths to even prepare the divorce papers then she's certain that Chaeyoung had made up her mind.
"Sit, please." Chaeyoung mumbled, patting the chair beside her.
"I think I'll just stand." She declined in a mellow tone, even gave her a soft smile. Lisa stood by the sink, facing her.
"I'm sorry, Lisa." It was the first thing that came out of her wife's lips.
"What did I do?" It came to her attention that whenever they argued and fought, it was mostly because of her or her work, so to ask Chaeyoung that seemed like the right thing to do.
The latter shook her head, her eyes never left the papers. "Not you. Me."
Chaeyoung tried hard to muster all the courage left in her to look Lisa in the eyes as she continued.
"I did something. I-" She stops to swallow back the tears.
Lisa leaned on against the marbled counter, feeling her strength slowly drain away.
"I'm having an affair."
"With who?" Lisa managed to ask, amazed at her own volition.
"A woman from one of my exhibits. She's a painter." Chaeyoung answered, her attention averted back to the papers.
"Just like you."
"Just like me.."
Lisa dragged her eyes away from her wife and stared at the floor. "What's her name?"
"Lisa, I don't think-" The question caught Chaeyoung by surprise but before she could protest, Lisa cuts her off.
"I'm not gonna beat her up or anything, Chae. I just want to know." Lisa assured her, not that she needed to.
Chaeyoung knows she would never do anything like that.
"I want to know what she's like-not to feel superior if she doesn't have this or that. Not to make myself feel better when you leave me for her."
Lisa's own words tasted bitter in her mouth, but it was the truth and it needed to be said.
"I just need to know three things; how she made you fall in love, if she makes you happy and if she's capable of making you feel that way for the rest of your life. I don't know, maybe I can pick up a trick or two." Lisa lets out a bitter chuckle, "Chae, please tell me."
Chaeyoung fidgets in her seat, contemplating.
"Her name is Jisoo and I think.." She raised her head to look at Lisa only to find that she was already staring. "I think she's my soulmate."
Lisa smiled.
She gave her wife the warmest smile, like the words didn't cut through her bones, like it didn't pierce her heart and ended her life.
Chaeyoung is her soulmate, but it turns out she wasn't hers.
Where do I go from here, Chae?
That's it.
She lost.
But it wasn't just Chaeyoung.
She lost her best friend. She lost Chaeyoung's friends that became hers. She lost Chaeyoung's family that became her second home.
Fuck, even the cats and dogs.. and the fish, and the other one that Chaeyoung insisted be buried in their backyard and not flushed down the toilet.
Even the succulent that her wife managed to kill..
This was her entire life, it's gone and it hurts.
But knowing that her wife found someone that will make her the happiest, compensates for all the pain. It should, it must.
There's only one room for being miserable and it's not gonna be Chaeyoung.
Make it right even if it's the last thing I do.
Lisa closed the gap between them and leveled their faces as she said, "Thank you for giving me the life that I've always dreamed of, Chae."
"Lisa, I'm s-" Lisa cuts her off again.
"No, baby, you've said everything there is to say and don't ever apologize for falling in love." She placed a hand to her cheeks delicately, memorizing everything about her even her moles and the scar under her brow. "I understand, and I'll be fine. Don't worry about me."
Chaeyoung pulled her into a tight embrace, her own hands instinctively wrapping over her wife. She planted a soft kiss on the top of her head as she reached out for the pen and without reading the contents, signed her name at the bottom.
"You better make me your maid of honor or I will be storming through the church, yelling stop the wedding." Lisa quipped, earning a giggle and a light back slap from Chaeyoung.
"You know I love you, right?" Chaeyoung mumbled in her arms.
"I love you too, Chae." An automatic reply as they both pulled away.
Chaeyoung's face was wet and red from crying and Lisa teases her about it.
"Now stay here and I'll go." Lisa says with finality, planting a quick kiss at the back of Chaeyoung's hand.
She took a step back and gave herself the liberty to memorize the scene where Chaeyoung sits by the counter, greeting her with a smile every night when she comes home.. because it's gonna be the last time that she does.