It was more of a challenge to rise and dress in the morning. My feet drag but I cannot allow them to sink in or I will be stuck where I stand. Looking around most seem to be much the same as we gather around to say goodbye. Even with the anticipation and aid, we weren't prepared for this; we lost too many.
Scott, Barret, Dominic, and Luca stand near the edge while wolves gather near their fallen loved ones. Last time I was here for this, there was only one. One box covered in complete white cloth, only a few branches of juniper sat on top, Grams said its what he loved to smell when he sat out by the lake widdling away at the pieces of wood in his hands. Now we are surrounded by others. Each box different, a reflection of the life they had. Grams is empty. Her name is etched into her blankets corner, she has had it for a while. Waiting. I have to wipe my eye before the tear gets to fall. There weren't wild flowers to pick, most trees were bare. Everything around us is dead waiting for winter to blanket it as small soft snowflakes fall from time to time. Only my hand touches the top. Nothing was enough to lay ontop and send off with her. The things she's done in my life aren't shown in objects or flowers.
Dominic and Luca shift to stand in front of their pack that's been lost. I don't see many of theirs here amongst ours. Barrett says a few final words to Scott and his mother smoothes her hand up and down his back in comfort. He's known every life. Some from birth some more recently but every life lost to an alpha is taken in personally. It takes him a moment to address us as he takes a stand near the middle at the front. He looks at each one with an apology pressed into the roof of his mouth to show instead through his eyes. My fingers grip the blanket when he stops on me. This one he did know personally. I can't meet his eyes and I look down at the cloth beneath my hand and I have to open my mouth to breath in slowly. His voice isn't as booming as it normally is when he addresses a crowd. This is his first funeral like this. Only one has been preformed by him before this and Barrett took over half way because he faltered too much.
Glancing around Charles isn't anywhere to be found.
“It has been a great loss for us all with what had happened yesterday. Each of us feels the impact and the weight of this, somne more than others.” Scott starts his eulogy, pausing a moment as he swallows down and clasps his hands together in front of them when they start to tremor. “No words will make up for these lives. The fault rests on my shoulders and it will be something that I will always bare. My responsibility is to you and I failed by not taking better precautions to keep us all safe….”He talks on but part of me can't pay attention and my nails dig into the white cloth. Why did you have to go? Why did she take you? The pain in my chest gets too overwhelming to bare. I can feel Sophia wanting to come to me but I asked her for a moment alone. I don't want anyone near me. The thoughts start to roll into darkness one after the other as the cloth tears when my claws dig through it. They did this. Ran her out of her home and murdered her. Worthless. Cowardly. I can feel the edge of my wolf slipping in, my canines starting to push through before I stiffen when a small, soft floral breeze blows around me, kissing and storking against my cheek. "Grams," I wishper and I can feel it encase me in a tight squeezing embrace as it whispers back to me, "live my sweet little boy." There is no wiping these tears away from my eyes. My cheeks will stain with them for the rest of today and tomorrow. Pressing my hand to my chest when the warmth starts to lift, I’m not ready to let go when a small whimper slips out from me but I am hushed with a small, soothing and calming breath into my ear, blowing my hair from my face before it lifts away and I have to let her go completely. A current of wind blows through us all after her as it lifts up in front of Scott making him have to hold his jacket closed and we all look around dumbfounded by it.
Gatekeeper.
The boxes are lined in a row to burn while some are taken to be buried with trees to show the life that lived and died to live again in eternity. Grams is buried. Her tree will grow besides the tree already growing where Pops lay. I feel a hand touch my lower back and Sophia comes up beside me, leaning to my side. "Wanna talk?" She asks me but I shake my head. There is nothing more that can be said. Sophia kisses my arm before looking at the other tree. "You never showed me where he was buried." She says looking at it.
"I don't come here often, its not where I feel him." I tell her before looking at her, "and you never told me where your mom was buried. "
"Im not welcomed there." She tells me softly and my shoulders sag. I had no idea. Rubbing the back of my neck to the side its becoming awkward the silence that has fallen on us. "Soph, I didn't know."
She only nods and rubs her cheek to me, "I know. I don't like talking about it. She's buried in a cemetery for a church I’m not welcomed to go to." She says as she watches the trees branches swaying in the wind. "But I’m like you, she isn't there only her body is. I feel her around me and with me every day." Leaning down and kissing her forehead she reaches up and hugs me tightly, rubbing my shoulders. "I'm always going to be here with you whatever you need."
"Help me go through her house... I cant do that alone." I tell her honestly. Sophia looks up at me, holding my cheeks in her hands as she nods. "That one's a really hard one," she whispers as her eyes start to shine.
Walking inside the house its too empty. The scent of yesterday's burnt meal is lingering in the air and Sophia steps inside, starting to open all the windows to air out inside. "Do you want me to do her room, or you? I can open the window or I can leave it closed." She gives me the option and choices but I don't know yet how to answer the question. So I start with the basics, taking down pictures off the walls. She grabs a box from the pile that was brought here for me and opens it for storage before doing another, sorting them. "For things to keep, for things to donate to the others around." She says as she points at each before picking up the keep box and bringing it to me for me to put the pictures in. "I hated this school picture. I was 15 and starting to get into the weird phase before and after you get your wolf," I say before putting it in the box. "It was her favourite."
Sophia looks over it slowly before looking at me. “It was an important stage for her. My mom kept one of me preforming on a stage in the sixth grade. I was slunched over and my hair was puffy from her combing it out too much. I hated it." She tells me and I smile soft trying to picture it before she pushes the image to me and I start to laugh. "Braces?" I say raising my brow and she raises hers back "Emo hair?"
"Alright, alright," I chuckle before moving to the next set of pictures, telling her about each moment as I take them down and part of my heart starts to crack less and less and before I know it we have every picture in the box. Some of the hanging decore is put into the keep box while the rest is put to donate. Most of the things are magazines or things that could stay with this house. Sophia empties the jacket closet and the scent of her clothes spreads out through the air from them and I have to move myself to the kitchen. "Can we take it all?" I ask her and she stops to look at me before looking around the kitchen "table and all?" She asks me and I nod as my fingers rub my pants at my sides. "We will need more boxes but none of the food, we can eat what's in the fridge for the next day or two if there is any leftover but this food will be good for some of the folks around here, it wont transfer well otherwise." she says as she opens the fridge looking through it before taking out a butter container and opening it with a small soft smile. "Its soup " she laughs softly before making two bowls and we sit at the table to eat. I can't stop glancing at her empty seat and I savour the meal long past its been heated. It is now cold. "If she had a freezer and we got some freezer boxes we could take it with us." She offers but I decline the offer.
"No, you are right. I cant take it with me and eventually it just be gone. Let’s give it to Anna, she lost her mate and has two small pups at home. We will bring her all the food." I tell her as I finish the soup and bring the bowls to the sink. "I'm ready to do her room but I want the window to only be open a crack." I say as I keep my back to her. I hear the scrapping of the chair and her foot steps getting closer before her hands touch my hips and her forehead presses into my back. I didn't realize how tense I was getting until I feel my body starting to relax from her touch. "I'm alright," whispering low but Sophia’s arms wrap around me. "You tell yourself whatever you need to."
She takes my hand when I finish the bowls and she tugs me upstairs before I can change my mind. The scent hits me hard when I step in the room and I have to step back out again, breathing hard through my mouth while she walks inside and opens the window halfway, letting the fresh air in before closing it a little more. I still stand outside for a few more minutes before forcing myself to step inside. The smell of Grams will always be set into this room, it'll take all winter to air. "I don't know if I can do this," I tell her honestly and Sophia stays silent, waiting. "We can come back another day. We don't have to leave and go south just yet, take your time." She says with a slight smile and I try to give her one back but it falls too soon and I shake my head. "If I don't do it now I will only keep doing this." I tell her.
"I know HotShot. This is one of the hardest rooms," she speaks up but her voice starts to falter. Sophia knows too well what this is like. Grams had to do all this by herself when Pops died. The least I can do is this now for her. "Where is the best place to start?" I ask and she slowly moves to the closet to look through it. "We can start with clothes if you like or personal items like brushes, I'll go through her makeup and personal items." She gives directions as her back straightens and her shoulders roll back. Starting in the closet like told I bring a stack of hanging clothes to the bed. "I'm sure some of the older wolves could use some of this... Or the threft store in town." Mumbling more to myself than to her.
"There is a box by the bed. Anything you want to keep, leave on the bed." She instructs.
It's not a large stack, mostly her nicer dresses and two long coats. I find two plade button-up shirts from Pops and my heart stops. I never realized she kept these. Sitting on the bed my fingers grip the material. I remember her going through his belongings, she gave away lots of his things but kept what she felt was important. Looking over at the other shirt it sits inside a clear garment bag as a means to preserve it, for her to preserve him. I don't realize my hand is shaking until I feel Sophia's hand touch mine as she sits on the bed next to me. I open my mouth to speak but my tongue only tires to moisten my dry lips. "I get it," she whispers softly and her thumb moves back and forth soothingly. I thought I could hold this in but whatever dam I built up today is breaking again with the deep sob that slips out.
"I've never felt so alone," I finally get out as I breathe harshly, trying to regain control of my emotions. "They've always been there and then he was just gone. I never thought about how they wouldn't be around forever until he wasn't and now she's gone too. I didn't make enough time for them when I should of. It's not fair." Bunching the shirt in my hands hard I can feel my canines press into my lip and taste the copper on my tongue. They attacked her and died, I can't even take our the hurt or anger for this on anyone. She defended her life against them and they all lost.
"Cage, this isn’t because you weren't here. This is because some assholes wanted more than they deserved. They are to blame, not you," Sophia’s fingers move the hair out of my eyes and away from my face before running through it slowly. "I know this hurts. You are going to feel all those different emotions and I'm gonna be here however you need." Her fingers gently wipe my cheeks before she kisses it, lingering. "Take your time. We don't have to do this all at once because what people say about time healing and all these hallmark cards don't change how it really feels. Ten years I still feel it, I've just learned to get through the next day, then to the next week, the next month and year."
Her hand touches the shirt and my fingers slowly start to open again. "Keep the two shirts and pick out two of her dresses. The rest I will put in the box." She directs me before standing to go back to the dresser to finish. Looking over the clothes and inhaling deeply I can still smell her on them. Even this shirt I can smell the slight old and faint clinging scent of him on it. She must have kept it to comfort her through the years she had to be apart from him. Looking over at Sophia I don't know if I could do it. I know Grams and Pops story. They met young when he was down south at an exchange at Dusk Valley pack. He had to wait two years but they wrote to one another, he told me sometimes he would go crazy waiting for a letter to come in and she always made him wait too. A small smile creeps in as I think about the way she would smile at him, 'trust you'll get me back for it in the end.' Scanning the room I realize Grams had only been holding on for me to get to where I needed in life before she was no longer made to wait. All of it was for me. She didn't run when the wolves came. Didn't even try. She fought them, she defended her home, the one they built together and raised two pups in through different stages of their lives. Now she's gone back to be with him.
Nothing here matters for her any more.
Neatly folding the clothes and putting it in the box I open the bag and just as I thought, that old smell comes through. I can feel it press into my chest and shoulders as they feel like they are starting to cave in and I have to push back out against it as I remind myself to breath, remind myself it's time to let them both go. Whispering a low goodbye I fold it and stack it with the rest and I can almost feel a grip on my shoulder as I stand with the box in my hands to put next to Sophia, putting more clothing in it before closing it and the grip slowly lets go. "Are you sure?" She asks me quietly, looking at the box before looking at me and I nod my head, "yeah, they aren't here any more. It's like you said right? This isn't where I feel them, there is an old shoe box in the top of the closet I want to keep instead."
"Sentimental?" She hums, taking the box from me.
"Yeah, it is." Letting her take it before going to the closet, Pops workboots sit in the same place it always did my entire life. Every small thing that ever mattered to them is in here. "This is what I want to keep besides pictures and a few of his things. I rather focus on that and let Barrett and Lisa go through, they would know better who is in need of what than we do." I tell her before we both walk downstairs and she sets the box next to the wall, labelling it.
It doesn't take us long to finish and we pack the few boxes into my truck bed before getting back to the cabin. Wayne sits on the couch by the stove and he jumps and whirls around as we enter in the front door. "You sure you don't want to come with us Wayne instead of staying at your place alone?" Sophia tries to talk to him but Wayne looks away. They had talked at the medical wing but not long enough and we had to have a deep discussion about everything after things settled. He's been fairly silent since. Wayne fidgets and squirms like I am not use to seeing from him when she starts to frown. "I called Jax. I'm going to fly out to Cali in a few days and stay there for a while. I'm sorry Soph but this is a lot. I'm happy for you two I am. You have no idea how happy I am for you both but I can't stay home alone and I can't be around... Well.. You know..." He starts to mumble and guilt flows down off of him.
"It's alright Wayne you don't have to explain" telling him as we walk over to the couch and he slumps down on it, cuddling back into the wool blanket Nate brought for him.
"Does it make me a bad friend?" He asks with a slight concern. Clasping his shoulder he looks between me and Sophia. "I only bite a little," I tell him and he shrugs my hand away before shoving me slightly. "It's not funny."
"It doesn't make you a bad friend. If anyone should feel bad it's me, I wish I could of told you instead of you finding our like this. Unfortunately, we have to keep it a secrete." Telling him gently he nods his head as he glances up at me before looking at Sophia. "You upset I’m leaving you?"
Sophia sits next to him and puts her arms around him, hugging him tightly and he soon hugs her back putting his head on her’s as they curl into one another. "Keep in touch. We will let you know when the new house is ready and maybe when you're ready you can come visit?"
"You know I'll see you before all of that." He grins as he squeezes her more.
"I'll give you a ride to your house and to the airport, trust you’re safe Wayne but I’ll still go with you." I offer and he reaches over, pulling me into their hug against my protests. "We should cuddle for the night!" He exclaims and I have to squirm my way our of his grasp. "How about you two cuddle. I gotta unpack my truck and make sure our stuff is packed. I'm not tired."
Sophia looks at me and worry starts to drift off of her. 'I'm alright sweetheart. I promise. Enjoy him before you both separate.' Glancing at Wayne she has a pout to her lip as part of her heart sinks. She nods her head but keeps her eyes drift back to mine even when I kiss her before getting up and stepping outside. When I close the door Luca steps out of his truck. "Didn't wanna disturb y'all, We are heading outta here. Wanted to check on you before we left."
"We're all good. I'm done what I need to do. Gotta get Wayne to the airport in a few days then we will be down." I tell him and he looks slightly surprised as he leans over the back of my truck while I pull down the tailgate to get the boxes.
"I thought you guys would be down around thanksgiving or Christmas," he shrugs his shoulders when I given him a questioning look.
"I didn't realize you celebrated the human holidays," Ifting my brow bringing the first box to the porch and setting it by the door and he grabs the second. "We don't but she do, so when Sis around, we celebrate."
Rubbing my neck and glancing at the door I never stopped to think about that. More conversations to have, maybe on the long drive down. "It ain't all bad, gifts and food." He chuckles at me, "it's good you decided to come down but don't feel like you have to rush." He says as he tries to peek in the box.
Taking it from him and putting it on the first my hand lingers on it. "No, I'm good. Besides she would of been happy for me to make the move. She suggested I fill out to leave if things didn't go well anyways." Crossing my arms. "Want me to tell Sophia you stopped by?"
He waits a moment looking me over as his hands slide into his pockets. "Actually wondering how Waynes doing. Said he's going to the airport?"
"Yeah, he said something about going to California. He's scared, confused. Probably will take him some time to adjust and it to sink in fully about everything."
"Did you tell him about Conner?" He asks as his eyes get sharp and darken slightly.
Looking around I notice he's nowhere to be found and I haven't seen him since I beat the shit out of him. "No, I don't think now is the right time to throw that at him too."
"Good, Conner should tell him himself instead of hiding like a coward but Wayne does deserve to know. Nate makes a good point about letting it be Conner. I don't know what good it'll do if any at all but it ain't right what's happening and no, he's waiting well outside these pack lines for me to pick his ass up and bring him home. I outta leave him." Luca’s arms tighten as I see the tension in his jaw start before he slowly starts to loosen. This is a deep sore spot for him after experiencing it himself. "Wayne's a human. I know its weird coming from me but even if she was raised human and was 'human', Sophia never really was. Look at her, the connection she has with animals. You can't tell me some part of her hasn't always felt something, but Wayne, he's terrified of us."
"He deserves to know the truth and make that decision for himself," I tell him sternly, this isnt right to keep from him now that he's been brought into our world.
Luca leans back slightly and his shoulders roll with him , "I ain't disagreeing, all I'm saying is maybe we should think about what's best. Who know what telling him will do. Think on it Cage before you jump into other wolves mateships." Is all he says on the matter as he turns to leave, "I'll have a house all ready for y'all when you get down. Don't be strangers" he tells me as he tips his ball cap and gets in his truck.
Bringing the boxes in, Sophia and Wayne are already in the room sleeping as I set the boxes quietly into the closet. Watching them I can't help but to think maybe Luca and Nate have a point about Wayne and Conner. In any case it's not something to talk about now, I'll have to find a better time and way to break this to him. Maybe it's for the best they don't mate, Wayne deserves better than that. Let Conner be alone and miserable. Rubbing my face and grabbing a pair of sweats and a t-shirt to change in I slowly climb in the bed on the other side of Sophia to lay down. Let them sleep together, I'll be damned if I'm sleeping on the couch.