Aurora Walker
Present: June 9, 2020
I was just finishing up in the bathroom, hanging the towel up to dry on a rack as the tub drained when I heard the bedroom door shut.
"You were right, Thalia." I called out as I walked towards the room. "I needed tha—"
I stopped, frozen in my tracks as I made it into the bedroom. My breath caught in my throat and for a moment I questioned whether or not I had fallen asleep in the tub and was dreaming right now.
"Hi." Harry breathed out, his hand slipping from the doorknob.
"Hi." I said softly, my eyes meeting his.
Fresh bruises littered his face, dried blood etched onto his skin from small cuts. And then I looked down...
He wore a black button up, the material ripped and tattered in various places. His arm holding his scars had dried blood stained onto his skin, his scars having fresh cuts all along them.
"Harry—" My eyes flashed up to meet his again as I took a few steps towards him.
For the first time I saw his ability to hide all of his emotions falter for more than just a few seconds. His eyes shifted from mine and he stared down to the floor with a look of shame.
I closed the distance between us and reached a hand out towards his wounded arm. "Who did this to you?" I asked with a hitch in my voice as I searched over his face.
He looks so tired. His eyes were strained and bloodshot, dark circles underneath. He looked completely drained— as if there were nothing left in him. His skin was pale, his usual color replaced with a ghostly white that terrified me.
His bottom lip trembled, my heart breaking as I saw tears well up in his eyes. "I deserved it." He said softly, his voice cracking as he spoke. "I caused this."
I took a step towards him as he spoke, my body subconsciously pulling me towards him without thinking of it. I shouldn't be getting closer to him, I know that. But I couldn't help it. Seeing him like this and hearing the pain in his voice caused me to hurt in a way I couldn't describe.
"No." I said shaking my head as I stood in front of him. My hand moved under his chin to tilt his head up to look towards me. I rested both of my hands on his cheeks in a desperate attempt to show him any kind of physical connection that I could without seeming too overbearing. "You don't deserve this to be hurt like this. You deserve so much better than this."
"How can you say that?" His glossy eyes met mine, my heart falling to pieces as a tear rolled down his cheek. "You don't know the things I've done, Rori."
"I don't have to." I swallowed, trying to compose myself as I used the pad of my thumb to swipe away his tear. "I talked to Thalia... I know you've been through things— Things that I'll never be able to understand. But I do know that pain, grief, loss... They all change you. Sometimes not for the better, and sometimes they can cause us to lose sight of who we truly are. I know you're a good person, Harry. I see it in you everyday. But I think you let your past overshadow the person you are."
Harrys brows pinched together, "How can you say that? After everything I've done— After what I said to you."
Truth is, I know he's right. After everything he's done to me, everything he's said to me, I shouldn't be sitting here trying to make him feel better. I should be grabbing my things and finding a new room to sleep in without giving him a second thought.
Yet, here I am. My hands on his cheeks, telling him I know he's not a bad person.
I've truly lost my mind.
"Because I know you're sorry." I said cautiously with my eyes searching his. "I know you don't apologize, but I guess in a way you don't have to. I can see in your actions. The way you look at me after you say something, how you treat me... I can tell that you are." I shrugged. "In a way I guess I don't really need you to say it for me to get one."
It's selfish of me to be upset about it at this point. I know he doesn't do it, so I'd just be wasting my time in waiting to get one from him. I've learned to pick up on how he acts after he says things or does certain things to me.
He's the one who said that words don't mean shit, it's how people act that matter. So instead of apologizing he makes up for it in different ways.
For example, taking me to Josie's or helping me complete my bucket list.
Of course I'd like to hear an apology, but this is who he is. I can't expect him to change because of me. That's selfish on my part.
"I am though." He injected quickly.
"You're what?" I asked softly, my eyes still on his.
He took his bottoms lip between his teeth as he raised his hands up to mine. He rested them there for a second, my eyes roaming over his bruised and split knuckles before he slowly lowered them, pulling my hands down with his own.
"I don't know how to do this. I haven't done it in... years." His eyes searched mine as he spoke, the white of his eyes still glossy as if he were trying to hold back his tears still.
"Harry, it's okay—"
"I'm sorry." He blurted. "For everything I've done to you— everything you've been through because of me. I'm so fucking sorry for all of it."
His last word came out as a quiet sob as his eyes pinched together. My eyes widened in silent shock as he completely broke down in front of me. Harrys hands slipped from mine as he fell down to his knees in front of me, his body crumbling as his forehead fell against my lower stomach.
This is the first time that I have ever seen someone breakdown in this way. My body was momentarily stunned, though I'm sure it's mostly due to the fact of who it was that was crying. Seeing him like this hurt me. It made a lump swell up in my throat and tears form into my eyes at just the sound of him.
My hands came up to his hair, my fingers holding tightly to the back of his head as my own tears began to fall. Harrys arms came up to wrap around my lower waist, his face still buried into my stomach as I felt him shake in quiet cries against me.
The sound of his voice, the look on his face— He meant it. I can tell he did. There's no way that someone could fake how's he's acting, especially not someone who doesn't let emotions cloud his judgement.
Harry refuses to laugh or smile for the most part, so I believe that this is real. I don't think that he could fake something like this.
"It's okay." I said in truth, "I forgive you."
My words only seemed to hurt him further though. The shaking of his body against mine only breaking my heart all the more.
I slowly lowered myself down, my legs straddling his as I rested myself down on his knees. He moved his face to my chest making no attempt to move away from me so I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and pressed a few soft kisses onto the top of his head to try and calm him down as he allowed me to embrace him.
He usually only gets close to me when we're asleep. I've hugged him a few times but even then we keep our distance afterwards. So him allowing me to be close to him and try to comfort him in this way felt good.
"It's okay, baby." I murmured against him.
Harry let out another soft choked sound at my words, his arms gripping me tighter to hold me closer to him in a desperate cling.
"Say it again." He said softly, his words muffled from the way his face was pressed into me.
"Say what?" I questioned, one of my hands running through his hair to try and calm him down as much as I could.
I know he likes when I play with his hair. It made him smile the other morning when he woke up and he told me to keep doing it once I had stopped so I thought I'd give it a shot now. Plus, I don't really mind doing it. I think I could run my fingers through his hair for an entire day and still find a way to be enthralled by it.
"You called me baby." He whispered.
I felt a slight blush at his words. In truth I hadn't even noticed. I was so distracted in an attempt to calm him down that I didn't even realize what I had said to him. It just sort of came out naturally.
I pressed another soft kiss to his hair, mumbling, "Everything's going to be okay, baby... We'll be alright, I promise."
His body relaxed against me, a sigh coming from him as he turned his head so only his cheek was pressed against me. "Sounds so good when you say it."
"Yeah?" I smiled down at him.
"Yeah." He nodded softly, his eyes closed.
A small smile graced his lips, a smile that caused me to ache in a way I never felt before. I slipped my hand down from his hair and softly slid it down his cheek. My touch along with the simple word caused a toothy grin to force a dimple to pop out and crinkles to form next to his closed eyes.
I missed seeing his smile— Missed knowing I caused it.
If calling him baby is what made him smile like that, even during a moment like this, then I'd never stop saying it.
"Drove all night to get here." Harry said softly, his cheek still resting against me.
"You need to sleep." I said running my fingers through his hair once more before dropping my hand to rest on his shoulder. "Let's get you cleaned up so that you can get some rest, okay?"
Harry nodded, his head reluctantly lifting off of my chest looking down between us, very obviously avoiding eye contact with me. I moved my hands from around his neck, one hand reaching up to his cheek so I could rub my thumb along his soft skin.
"You can go sit on the bed and I'll come meet you over there." I suggested before pulling my hand away to stand up from where I sat on his legs.
He nodded so I quickly made my way to the bathroom and got a few rags out of the cabinet to wet them in the sink. I know it'd be easier for him to take a shower to wash everything off, but he can take a shower tomorrow after he's slept. He didn't sleep at all before the twelve hour drive here and I'm not so sure he got much sleep the night before that, if any at all.
He has to be exhausted.
I grabbed the cloths and headed back out towards the bedroom, Harry sitting on the bed now with his head bent down to look at the floor as he kicked off his boots.
I still hate those boots.
I made my way to stand in front of him, his head still bent down to look away from me as I took a step closer to him. I can tell he's uncomfortable, his guard going back up dangerously fast. How he was with me moments ago is something so far out of his comfort zone that I'm sure he even shocked himself.
I never thought I'd get an apology from Harry. But even more than that I never thought that I'd ever see him cry. Maybe it had something to do with his body being completely drained. It's hard to handle your emotions properly when you're tired. I'm sure even someone like Harry could have trouble at this point in his exhaustion.
I moved myself to step between his parted legs making the decision to lower myself down to my knees in front of him. His bed was fairly low to the ground so it wouldn't be hard to reach his face while sitting in front of him.
As I sat in front of him his eyes never moved from the spot he had been staring at. "Thalia came in here and talked to me for a while." I said softly while reaching up to start cleaning the small amounts to blood on his cheek.
"Yeah?"
My heart fluttered at the small sentence. It wasn't much but it was still him giving an effort to engage in a conversation.
"Mhm," I hummed. "She told me a lot of things."
"Like what?" He murmured.
"She talked about you guys, and told me how Niall and Millie became your step siblings..." I paused when his eyes finally moved up to look into mine. "She talked about Conner and Zayn too."
His face was unreadable as he spoke. "What did she say?"
"She told me they're you're half brothers." I started nervously as I cleaned a spot near his left eye. "And she told me why everyone hates Conner— apart from all of the obvious reasons."
"She did?" His expression dropped, one of worry forming.
"She also told me why he wants to kill you." My hand dropped down to my lap as I met his eyes again.
Harry swallowed, "I want to kill him too. Other than our father that's the only thing that we have in common."
"I'm glad that I'm finally getting answers... It's been a month of torture with all of these questions about Conner running through my head." I said as I took one of his hands in mine so that I could start cleaning the cuts on his knuckles. "But I didn't think that the answers I was looking for would leave me so... scared."
"Why are you scared?" His voice was lowered.
I chewed on my lip as I swiped softly along his injured skin. "The idea of you getting hurt— possibly dying, that scares me." I admitted. "Any of you. I don't want any of you to be hurt."
"Conner has been actively trying to get rid of me for ten years. If he was good at his work I would have been dead by now." He murmured. "You don't have to worry about us."
"Haven't you been trying to kill him for ten years too?" I asked in response.
"No." I heard a shift in his voice. "I only found out the truth of everything he did a year ago. At that point I had a job I had been working on for two years so I couldn't just drop everything and hunt him down— no matter how badly I wanted to."
"You worked on a job for two years?" I questioned, my brows scrunching together. "I thought your jobs were one night type things. Like the night we jumped on the trampoline you were only gone for a few hours."
"This was an important job." His tone was clipped as he spoke, clearly not wanting to further engage on the topic of that job.
As I finished with his hands I flicked my eyes up to his, "Do you want me to help with your scars?" Instantly I regret how I said that. "I mean— I'd like to, I just don't know if you want me to."
"I don't mind." Harry said brushing past it. "You can probably reach them better than I can."
I nodded, my hands frozen in my lap as he reached behind his head to grab ahold of the back of his shirt to pull it over his head. It was a button down but it was mostly ripped up anyway and I don't think he had the patience to unbutton it right now.
When he pulled his shoulder through, he inhaled sharply through his nose with a slight wince spreading across his face. Once the shirt was off he threw it down to the floor next to us and tilted his head back with his eyes closed. I could tell that moving like that caused him pain and I hated that there was nothing that I could do to stop what he was feeling.
It took everything in me to hold back tears as I looked over his body. The cuts and bruises were making my stomach hurt, my mind unable to process how much pain he must be in just sitting here talking to me.
"It's not as bad as it looks." He said quietly.
I shook my head as I slowly looked up to him again, his eyes now open and meeting mine. "For some reason I really doubt that."
"The cuts aren't deep." He held my gaze this time, no longer fidgeting or looking away from me. "They don't hurt much."
"Who would do something like this?" I finally pulled my eyes away from his face to start gently cleaning the cuts along each of his scars.
I was careful to be gentle, his cuts still being fresh. I didn't want to accidentally reopen them so I took my time and gently cleaned along them not caring that it took a while to get one spot clean.
"Something tells me you'd hate my father as much as I hate yours." Harry gave a halfhearted smile in an obvious attempt to lighten the mood, his response coming late as if he had to think about it for a while.
"Your dad did this to you?" My voice hardly came out, my eyes snapping wide.
My stomach dropped at the idea of someone's parent causing this type of pain the their child. I know my parents weren't out there winning any trophies on how they raised me, but I don't think even they could do something like this. How could some who helped bring you into the world literally reopen a wound like these?
"He does it as a reminder." Harrys voice was small as he spoke again.
"He's done this to you before?" I flashed my eyes back up to see Harry nodding. "Wha— Harry, that's not okay. This— No, this isn't right." I was growing angry now, my heart aching for him even more. "Why would he do this to you?"
"What all did Thalia tell you?" Was all he said in response, his voice still somber.
I shrugged, "I've pretty much told you everything that she said... She told me that she thought you died." I paused briefly to glance up at him before looking back down to his ribs. "The night—"
"The night my mum died." Harry interrupted, "The night that I got these scars."
"She didn't tell me anything about you really." I cleared up in order for him to know that we didn't just sit in here and discuss him. "She told me what happened to her that night, told me about your dad, cleared up a lot of the confusion I had with Conner and explained to me why this truly is a family."
I glanced up at him, his eyes meeting mine with a soft look that I couldn't read. The normal crease in his brows was relaxed, his eyes bloodshot from crying and the pure exhaustion that he must be feeling right now.
"This is a family." Harry echoed, his eyes flickering over mine. "You're a part of it now, and we protect our family."
"Harry, I—"
"No, Rori." Harry reached up and gently pushed my hand away from his ribs so that I was forced to give him my full attention. "I'm serious. Thalia, Millie, the guys— they all care about you, too. They all dropped everything and came here just as quickly as I did to keep you safe."
"None of you would have had to drop anything if I wouldn't—" I blew out a sharp breath, my eyes falling from his. "You wouldn't be hurt right now if it wasn't for me." My lip trembled at the thought of Harry being hurt because of my ignorance. "You and Niall talked to me that day, you both warned me. You gave me one rule. Don't come downstairs on Mondays before twelve. I was with you guys for a month before I completely fucked everything up. Millie and I were almost– Honestly I don't even knows what to think about what those guys were going to do to us... I've seen three men shot and killed in the last twenty four hours and on top of everything, you're hurt. I would never forgive myself if something happened to you or anyone else because of my stupidity."
"Hey," Harry slid down off of the edge of the bed to sit in front of me, each of his legs on either side of mine. "This isn't your fault." He motioned with one hand towards his bruises. "You can't blame yourself for what my father did." His fingers hooked under my chin to pull my eyes up to meet his. "Seriously, this was happening long before you came around. If you weren't here he would have found some other reason for it."
I swallowed harshly, my blurred vision focusing on his eyes as he held my gaze. My stomach flipped at how close we were, the intimacy of the situation causing my skin to prickle along with it.
"Why does he hurt you?" My voice came out in a small whisper, my chest tightening from the sadness I was feeling for both Harry and everyone else involved.
Harry took his bottom lip in between his teeth as he thought of a way to answer my question. The crease between his brows formed once more and I mentally scolded myself for making him stress again. His eyes were sad still, full of emotion, but the rest of his face stayed stoic.
"The night my mum died my father was out..." Harry started quietly, "I was supposed to be the man of the house. I was supposed to protect my mum and Thalia. It's my fault that she's dead and that that Thalia has to live with the memories of everything that happened that night." He swallowed, his eyes averting to the side so that he wasn't looking at me anymore. "There were so many people there. They came in so quietly— We had no idea what was happening."
I dropped the cloth I was gripping onto and reached out for his hand that was resting on one of his bent knees. His eyes flashed down to the contact and for a second I thought about pulling my hand away in fear that he'd recoil away from me.
But instead, his hand tightened, fingers gripping mine between his own.
"Conner was seventeen at the time." Harry started again. "In our families it's the age where your training has reached a peak, you've been training your entire life and seriously for the last five years, so you start working jobs." He slowly took in a deep breath, his eyes still on our interlocked hands. "His men attacked me. I fought back the best I could but there were so many of them. I had just started my intensive training that year and I was in over my head. They threw me out of my bedroom window and there was nothing I could do to stop it. My room was on the third floor of our house and it was the middle of the night in December. It was snowing... one one of the coldest nights that we had that year." The scars, the hypothermia, everything started to make sense to me now. "It was just around dawn when I finally woke up. I was so cold that I couldn't feel anything— I know that doesn't make sense but it's the only way that I can think of how to describe it. When I made it into the house I found Thalia and my mum on the stairs, each of them just as badly beaten as I had been."
My free hand came up to cover my mouth, a tear rolling down my cheek as I listened to him tell me about that night. I tried to keep myself composed but hearing him tell me the truth of what had happened was hurting me in a way I didn't think was possible.
"I didn't know the full extent of what happened that night until years later. Thalia had to live with it on her own for so long." His brows dropped again as he continued. "It's my fault. I know that it is, and so does my father. That's why he punishes me in this way. If I do something wrong he reopens the scars. He reminds me of the night that I lost everything."
"You were just a kid." I couldn't stop the words from tumbling from my lips, Harry's eyes glancing up to look at me. "Harry, you were thirteen. You can't blame yourself for what grown men did. You did everything that you could to protect your family. You have to know that."
His eyes grew glossy again, his cheeks turning a shade of pink as emotion took over his face once more. "Then why am I still here?"
"What?" My voice came out small as I questioned him. "What do you mean by that?"
"I'm not a good person, Rori. I have done so many things— Things that even you couldn't find a way to forgive me for." His eyes flashed up to mine. "My mum was different— she was perfect. So why did I live? It should have been me that night, not her."
My heart dropped. The pain in his voice, the look in his eyes, the way his words were so genuine. He truly believed that he should have died in place of his mother that night. He doesn't feel like he should be alive.
"Harry, please listen to me." I swallowed back my emotion and reach up my hand to cup his cheek, my heart fluttering when he subtly leaned his head deeper into my hold. "I've heard the way that you and Thalia talk about your mom and I can see how wonderful of a person she was. I know how much you both loved her and I promise you, she loved you just as much." My lip quivered as I saw his eyes gloss over again. "She was your mom, but Harry you and Thalia were her kids— Are her kids. I know that you feel like it should have been you, but there is not a single doubt in my mind that losing you would have destroyed her. Sometimes people make sacrifices for the people they love so that they can keep going— So that they can continue to live." My thumb slowly rubbed over his soft cheek as I took in a deep steadying breath. "So instead of blaming yourself and feeling guilty for being alive, live your life for her. Know that everyday her love for you and Thalia is something that will never go away. Live everyday in a way that honors her memory."
Harry shook his head, "She wouldn't be proud of me. I've become everything that she tried to keep me from being."
"I don't think that's true." I said softly. "I know that you think you're too far gone, that there's no point in trying anymore. I understand that... But it's not the truth. Myself and everyone else in this family can see it in you daily. The person you used to be is still in there, you just have to be willing to let go of who you've become."
"What if I cant?" He shifted his head to look up toward the ceiling, my hand dropping back down to my lap. "You say that you see the person I used to be? How can you even think that? The person I used to be died that night— died that night when I should have. There's nothing good left in me anymore."
"Thalia told me that this is the first time she's seen you smile everyday in an entire week since that night." I blurted out.
Harrys eyes flicked to mine quickly, a look of shock washing over him before composing it. He shrugged in a dissmive way, his eyes looking away from me again. "Maybe it's just because I've actually been sleeping. It's hard to force yourself to do anything when youre exhausted, even smile."
"So you're saying that you've been forcing youself to smile?" My stomach dropped again. "Your smile hasnt been real?"
Harry shook his head slowly. "I didn't say that."
"Then what are you saying?" I questioned him further.
He tilted his head back again, his eyes looking up to the sky light above his bed. The sun had started to rise now, I hadn't even realized until I followed his gaze. "I haven't slept in a long time." He mumbled out, "Can we just go to bed, please?"
I nodded in defeat, Harry clearly closing himself off again. "Yeah, I'll get the light."
Harry nodded as I lifted myself up to walk to the wall near the door to turn the light off. As I turned around I looked to the large glass wall showing the city and saw that it was now starting to bubble to life. Cars were littering every inch of the roads, people clustered on the sidewalks and even more lights than before came from every building.
I turned my head back towards the bed and saw Harry unbuttoning his jeans, my brows raising in surprise.
"Not sleeping in a pair of bloody jeans." He muttered as he kicked them off and left himself in just a pair of boxers.
I swallowed and had to quickly avert my eyes to anything other than his half naked body as I slowly made my way back towards the bed. I walked around to the side furtherest from the door and pulled the covers back to get into the bed beside Harry.
I pulled the comforter up to my chest and turned on my side to face him, his eyes watching me from where he lay already facing me. As I settled in beside him his eyes shut and I laid there for a few moments just watching him in the light of the early morning. The soft light coming in from the rising sun casting small shadows across his face, his closed eyes making him look peaceful.
The next words that he spoke turned the air from a heavy vibe back down to one of tranquillity. It made it peaceful and allowed me to finally close my eyes, a small smile on my lips as I started to fall asleep.
"I haven't had to force myself to smile in a month."
//
an:
i'll go back & re-edit this when i have time!
hope you enjoy tho <3
see you tuesday!! i think you'll all like the next chapter...