"Allow us to start over, Baby. Let us make everything right." – Jeon Jungkook
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Silence engulfs the two of you as Jungkook walks with you on his back. Your heart is peaceful in contrast with his erratic drumming. His is nervous, perhaps still with the guilt of their doing, but yours is like the retreating waves at the shore. Maybe because you had dozed off for a bit and is still so sleepy. You feel so tired and defeated, beaten up once again with the unfairness of life.
One thing just comes into mind. Is this really unfair? Isn't it life has finally given you what you have been wanting?
You want to think more of that... but again... you are tired. So, you allow yourself to close your mind and look at your past. Like an old movie reeling, you painstakingly watch on the shadows of your closed lids. Static lines crack through the scenes, but it is still clear, like a memory that persistently peeks through your waking dreams.
Once there was a time when you were physically and mentally hurt by your first adopted parents, but you had quickly considered it as them loving you differently. Being too young, you didn't consider it wrong. You thought that it was okay as long as they want you in their home. It took you time to realize that they were abusive when a concerned social worker pointed it out and took you out from their place. You can remember the little you, thrashing, not wanting to be apart from that cruel couple, afraid that no one would want you anymore. You were right though. No one had ever considered adopting you after that. They were your first and your last. After all, no one wants a girl that was older than the rest of the orphans.
It was not the only time when you were treated unfair and different. The scholarship you worked on fell out of your hands and was given to another, only because the other had a connection in the administration. It felt wrong but you still congratulated the person with sincerity. You easily gave in and tried to finish your study with working in different jobs on different shifts. Not sleeping enough and not eating enough were difficult but you accepted it. You only thought that it was necessary for you to thrive harder. That life was just unfair, and you couldn't do anything about it.
You easily swayed to the words of apologies. You easily forgive yet you never forget. All those failures only pile up inside the box in your heart's core. It only opens when another thing is yet to be tucked underneath it. It always reminds you that in this life, there is nothing that you can do but keep them. You only thought that they would only slow you down to chase to something you think you deserve if you let it freely afloat on your thoughts.
The constant chasing has been exhausting. Knowing that you would eventually fall has been heartbreaking. You knew that life would always find ways to fuck you up. You wanted to give up. You considered ending everything with a rope or with cuts on your wrists. But it would mean a surrender. It would mean that whatever you had been doing were just meaningless endeavors. So, you still continue.
This. The thing that is happening right now is another thing to tuck inside the box. Are you quick to forgive? No. Who says about forgiving? You just accept what had been happening. Besides, what to do with all of this? Escape and continue running to an exhausting tomorrow? To chase what? There is nothing more to do but to be with your soulmates. If proven they are wrong, maybe it's time to truly give up, waste all the moments of courage and diminish everything. There is nothing more worthwhile anyway. You are so over trying alone... again.
"We're here." Jungkook's hush whisper fishes you back to the present. You almost dozed off again. Slowly, you open your eyes. Your lashes flutter with confusion. You expect that Jungkook would bring you to the same room of the same hotel, however, you are in different place. It's a mansion, a few blocks away from the resort that you were staying. You noticed it yesterday, when you were walking with Jimin by the beach, but you never mind too much about it, thinking that it was a private property, the same with the rest of the few mansions along the shores.
'Why are we here?' You want to ask, but your tongue freezes. You slowly tap Jungkook to let you down on the pavement. He toothily smiles at you and starts to walk closer to the mansion but you pull him into a pause. Confused, he looks at you and back to your line of sight.
"What are they all doing here?" You whisper the question instead. There is no mistake. With your clear vision, you can see six men watching at the two of you, seemingly waiting. "I thought they are in Seoul?" The gentle waves on your heart violently thrashes with nervousness.
"I forgot to tell you that they are coming."
Is this why he was so nervous?
"They drove for just three hours?" Your eyes still linger on the awaiting smiles. You can't bring your eyes to peel off of them.
"No. They flew for less than an hour. They had been here." He informs. "I hope you understand that we can't be seen in the hotel. So, we changed location to one of Seokjin hyung's friends' vacation house." He adds.
It's a wonder if the younger has forgotten everything that happened. His glinting eyes and smile are genuine. Maybe he is only grateful that the rest of his hyungs are here with them. However, you don't feel the same.
"Jungkook-ah." There is hesitation on your voice. You don't know how to face them. Learning the truth with Jimin and Jungkook was nerve-wracking enough.
With your shiver, Jungkook turns you to face him and peers through you with his sorry starlit eyes, seemingly understanding your great reluctance. "Allow us to start over, Baby." He once again addresses you with his sweet endearment. "Let us make everything right." He whispers.
'I'm not ready.' Though your lips can't utter the words, but your eyes tell it clearly.
He grips your hands so firmly to his, raising them to his lips for a kiss. "Baby."
Stupid. He can't read you enough to know how unsure you are.
"I'll be here with you." You want to scoff at his tenderness. What is the use of that if all of them are just conspiring everything? He is one of them. Allowing him to be with you does not mean you forget whatever they do. Remember. You don't forget.
You want to shake your head for a no, yet your head slowly nods, allowing him to pull you to them.
**********
Silence. Deafening silence and no one seems to want to break it.
The dining table seems so endless. You are seated on one side while most of them are across you, sitting like stiff old logs, seemingly decaying by every minute that passes.
Someone finally clears his throat, but nothing is said after.
Again... silence.
You tilt your head to the person beside you, Jimin, with his pursed lips and squinted serious eyes. It's as if he is your defendant in this ugly case of trickery. The wide doe-eyed Jungkook at your other side is your sole witness. The five across you are the guilty offenders. But the seven of them are all the same. The two beside you may have felt safer as they have been the whistle blowers, but still, they had also deceived you.
Everyone is quiet, seemingly waiting for someone to start.
Are they waiting for you?
Disappointing. Just a while ago, they had been smiling so lovingly as you were nearing where they stood. However, instead of the usual excited kisses whenever they see you, you were met with knowing guilty eyes watching you as if you were so out of reach. They didn't address you in any way that they used to, so you didn't do anything as well. You can't bring yourself to initiate skin contact, even though your soul is reveling with the knowledge that now, you can do that and more.
Aside from Namjoon asking for all of them to gather at the dining area and talk, they have remained silent all these times.
You frown with the look on their eyes. They are like wet dogs. They are cowards, like dogs with tails between their hind legs. No one wants to do the first move with their fear. They are afraid to break you further. They are afraid to hurt you more. They are afraid to crumble the brittle connection that they are trying to hold. They don't need to say it to you. It is a plain sight to see.
Feeling the stiffness of the air, you busy yourself with the cold drink beside the empty plate of fruits in front of you. Most of the ice has already been melting. Only one cube of ice has only remained, floating, like your thoughts on what and where does this meeting lead to. Akin to the men, the glass is sweating with coldness. Feeling sorry, you drink a sip on it.
"Jasmine." Namjoon calls your attention. It's nothing more than a whisper. For sure, guilt laces it up... awkwardness sets it free.
Putting down the glass, you straighten your sitting position, ready for anything that he has to say, only to be surprised with him standing and bowing to you so deeply.
"I am so sorry." Namjoon's voices sincerely. In a breath, the others follow, including Jimin and Jungkook who are now lined alongside the five. "We are so sorry."
"I-er...um..." Tongue-tied, you don't know what to say. You have been hard headed not to say anything to them unless they say anything first. Of course, your heart had warmed up with Jungkook as he had given you food. No. It's not the food that mellowed your anger. It's just, you were tired and you had no strength to argue with the sadness on his eyes.
"You never considered you as our Aphrodite." The leader seriously says as he tilts his head, eyes looking straight to yours. His dragon eyes are piercing with the truth. "We wanted to tell you, but we didn't know when and where to start." He continues.
Your brows spike with that. Again with "They wanted to tell you." Yet it took them so long to do so. You can't help but remember the time when an employee on your team failed to call you about the cancellation of an important site assessment for an outdoor wedding. You waited for too long outside the gates on that mountain resort. The rain had poured down. The thunder had rolled and growled that you had to yell for anyone inside but no one answered. The day after, with a sickly sweat covered body, the employee simply smiled and said sorry for his mistake. He thought you knew... That was what his only defense.
"What if I didn't eavesdrop? Would you even honestly inform me?" You squint to the uneasiness on their demeanors. They have been proud and confident, but now, they are nothing but little boys scolded by their dearest mommas. They look so defeated and unsure. "See?" Your voice whispers. "You won't."
Still bowing down, they remain silent. You can't look at their eyes as you look down for a moment on your fidgeting fingers. You have been squeezing them so fiercely that they have gone white. You might cut your skin if you continue. You want to stop all of this.
"What if you're wrong?" You ask, finally deciding to end all these awkwardness. "That's what you have feared right?"
"I don't think so..." Jimin and Yoongi simultaneously say. The latter's lips have somehow bled with his biting. He is seemingly so annoyed with the situation. His eyes are also piercing through and never leaving yours.
"Then... what am I now?" You challenge Yoongi's gaze. "Your soulmate? Or should I keep faking it?"
"There's nothing to fake. You have been my soulmate all along." He answers. But he suggested it. "We are sexually compatible. You are free... I am free... So... why not?" The words are still fresh in your mind. Was that a game for him? How about when he called you as his wife? What was that for?
"Do you think the same?" Your gaze lands on Seokjin's quivering almond eyes.
You can practically hear his nervous swallowing before he nods. "I know that you are my soulmate from the start." It seems that the confession is also a surprise from everyone as they all turn towards him. But they don't comment about it. You can't trace any judgement... only understanding.
"Then why it has to take time?" You question. Then it dawns on you. "Perhaps... you don't like my status? I am an orphan after all. I don't have a good linage. I don't even know where I came from. I may be a soulmate but would never be a wife, the same with your friends' mistresses... Are you the same as them?"
"Bullshit!" Taehyung spats. There is chaos in his orbs that threatens to fume.
"Taehyung-ah..." Namjoon warns.
"We are not ashamed of that." Hoseok weakly murmurs. His usual sunshine has dimmed as he uncomfortably wobbles on his feet.
"You can sit you know." You say as you feel more awkward with how they still bow at you. "No matter how low you bow, I don't think it's in me to forgive you yet." You honestly say. "I may talk with you... but it doesn't mean I forget everything you did. I don't even know how you knew. How sure you are. Is this just a ploy?" You murmur. "To think of it... I don't even have the same stars on my skin."
"Soulmates are more than the soul signs you know." Namjoon's voice is gentle as he steps closer, reaching out to your hands, but you keep them on your lap, not allowing him to touch your skin. Because if you allow to, you think you would melt on his commanding dragon eyes. He seems to be constantly enveloped with an aura of authority even with the helplessness that he may feel right now. You don't want to cloud your judgement with that. You want to stay clear.
"Then how?" You look at Seokjin as his skin flushes red. Rut? Soulgasms? Your thoughts then venture to what the woman said on your visit to her sex shop. It had bothered you many times, only to dismiss it again and again. With it, you think you know. Though it's embarrassing to hear it from their lips, but you still want to hear. "Tell me." You try to conceal the tremble on your lips.
"The rut." The eldest begins as he slowly sits on the chair along with the others.
Jimin and Jungkook are no longer on your sides, they look so ashamed to sit closer. Especially not with how calm you appear to be. It seems that they are more afraid with the lack of emotion on your voice as you converse with them. They don't seem to know whether you will combust or wither. But that's how it should be for the seven of them are equally your guilty offenders.
"It usually lasts for a week" Jin continues. "Jimin and I are just the same. Actually, all of us. Though Jungkook's has been shorter."
"A week?" That surprises you. That can't be. Your eyes look at the small smile on Jimin's lips as he carefully nods, as if he reads your mind.
"With you it only lasts for a night." Jin says. "Without taking any drugs, you welcome our touches."
The memory of them fucking you as you beg comes into your mind, making you blush profusely. As you remember, they almost stopped when you whined for pain... pain for wanting them to own you immediately.
"I think, it is also triggered whenever you become upset."
"Huh?" The last confession bewilders you.
"I think so too." Namjoon voices. "We only proved Jin hyung's theory when Jungkook called. We felt the kick on our stomach as our heart squeezes when you knew this noon."
"That's why you are all here?" You whisper.
"This is all my fault, Jasmine." Jin seriously continues. "I have been so wary. So, I made them swear not to tell you." His eyes start to water. "I am really sorry. I know I have been hurting you. Please, if not me, forgive them." He gestures to the others. "I'll do anything for you to forgive us." A lone tear stains his cheeks.
"There are things that you should know but are not mine to tell." Jungkook's voice echoes inside your mind.
One by one, you look at their knitted brows as their hands grasps their chests. Their jaws grit. Their mouths are shut, occasionally nibbling to keep a grunt from escaping. It's as if they feel your pain. You watch as the sorrow in their eyes liquifies and morphs into tears. You can see them castigating themselves. You know that none are pretenses. You know they have truly regretted.
You want to cry with them... whine again and again the unfairness that you feel... but everything has been done. No matter how much you want to travel through time and begin again, you can't. You only have now and the next days to come. Maybe the eight of you can do something about that.
"Then start telling me. Everything. I am willing to listen." You soothe.
Perhaps, with this, you can consider forgiving them.
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
Hello dear readers.
Sorry for the late updates. 🥺
-Gigi.