SIMPHIWE SHANDU THE HUSBAND
CHAPTER 5
NOZIMANGA
I just stand there looking at him not knowing what to say.
Am I hurt? I don't know really. I take inching steps towards the bed. His annoying mother has been blowing up my phone that I had to completely switch it off.
He slowly opens his eyes and looks at me through his big drowsy eyes. I guess he felt my presence. He tries lifting his hand but stays down without him even trying to lift it. I grab the chair and sit next to the bed.
On his left leg he has this huge internal fixation and the other leg seems pretty fine.
"Where did you go?" I ask in a serene manner. He blinks multiple times and does not respond.
He is not going to respond, is he?
I put my bag on the floor and fold my arms looking at him.
"Did you go to see one of your girlfriend's?"
He frowns and shakes his head no. With the big pipe in his mouth gagging way down to his throat. It's just pointless of me to ask any these questions. But I continue anyway…
"Are you okay."
He blinks again and this time around - he blinks away in tears. I gently take his hand massaging it.
"Don't mind your mother. You know how cruel she can get." He take a sharp deep breath and sharply closes his eyes.
"She has a diarrhea mouth like uMfolozi River."
A painful smile lands on his face. His squeezes my hand gently…
He hand goes loose the more it goes loose the more his eyes shut. He is trying so hard to stay awake but failing.
I almost spent the whole evening at the hospital. News travel fast and I now regret why did I turn my phone on. His colleagues have been not giving my phone a rest. I honestly don’t know why they just don’t call me all at once, put me on loud speaker! It’s annoying that I have to answer to each and everyone separately. Another non-factor is his mother. I had no other option to go back home since sheis on my tail about her son. I find her still wide awake waiting for me.
I sit on the couch and take a deep breath.
"How is he?" She is sitting on the edge of the couch. Am I a bad person if I were to wish for her to slip and fall flat ass on the ground?
"Bad."
When my eyes landed on him I didn't shed a tear. Now that the pictures are flashing everything is just flooding.
A period of time when you have tears coming from my eyes, especially because I am sad.
"Yini!"
"He has a broken leg with a huge machine stuck on it."
I don't even know how to explain. Rather say machine not to course confusion.
"Ow Nkosi Yami."
She's weeping like someone just died. I feel like landing a hard earned slap across her wrinkled face. This is all her fault.
If she didn't come to my house non of this would have happened! I control my breathings…
"I'm off to sleep." I say standing up. I need to be strong for him and emotionally strong for myself.
I pass by the kitchen to grab a glass of water.
This is what I hate. People invading my privacy. I left this room closed!
Wouldn't she have waited for me?
The baby is literally at the edge of it. I pull her by her leg and make her sleep in the middle. I need to make one of the guest rooms a nursery. I cannot go on like this. I strip naked and hit the shower.
The smell of the hospital triggers alot of emotions. I stand under the shower and let the water wash the scent off my body.
I wrap myself with a towel and look at Zuri with her legs leaning against the headboard.
"This child!"
I snap a few pictures of her and send it to her mother. How did she cope with this?
I need to put the pillows by her side just incase if he falls she will land on them. I do that as I just remembered and jump in bed. I just don't feel like wearing anything.
I'm waken up by a thunder smack.
I jump of the bed - she's there looking at me with her pacifier in her mouth.
"Yey wena!"
I yell, she just looks at me. I rub my cheek…
I check the time and it's 9:00 am on the dot. I'm tired. My body did not rest enough. Might as well fully wake up and prepare for the day.
Bathe and feed the bloody child. She has become my responsibility!
I put her in her baby car seat. This woman insisted on coming. I don't know what to do exactly because she had caused alot of damage already.
We arrive at the hospital…
"I hope he is awake today." I say stepping out of the car. She steps out also and holds her handbag close to her chest.
Now I have to carry this…breathe Nozimanga, breath baby girl.
She's clinging on to my neck making it hard for me to look sideways. This child wants me dead! I can't die, I still need to make my own soccer team. I need to shame the devil.
"How is he, today?"
"Better than yesterday. He cries alot because of pain."
I nod my head and brush his head.
"You don't touch your husband on your head, you are showing him lack of respect!"
Who the hell is she telling me what to do and not what do to my excuse cheat of a husband.
The next thing she will be telling me how I should Fu** my husband. Which position is suitable for her son.
I feel my heart clicking it's tounge on my mouths behalf. I'm extremely exasperated.
"When is he going to be discharged?"
"For now I cannot tell. He is still under the watch doctor. Once he has made progress, we will let you know." The doctor taps on my shoulder and leaves.
I look at his nails, the next time I come here I need to cut his nails.
Remind me not have a child that will behave like Zuri. This child is all over the place!
I want to spend time with my husband so badly but his stupid mother is here calling the shots forgetting that she is the one that made his son lay in the bed in the first place.
I swear witches work overnight.
"I think Zuri needs to be home. I mean like you going with her home while I take care of Simphiwe."
I suggest. She looks at me under her eyeglasses.
"I can't look after a child."
And yet she was rejoicing how God blessed her womb. Failure!
"I can't watch over Simphiwe and the child."
"Ayikho inkomo esindwa umboko wayo."
Where is the old age home because this woman is seriously getting on my last nerves!
Finally! She has left my house in peace leaving Zuri behind. I should look for a day-care. I practically cannot take care of two Zuri's under one roof. It's either I get to have a stay home nanny or she goes to a day-care.
Will have to talk to her father first. I do not see the need of cooking. I'm exhausted. Zuri is sleeping - she is also tired. I grateful that she is not a crying child. She cries when hungry…
"What will I do with myself?"
The house is so lonely without him.
Loneliness is dependent on what a person 'needs and desires,' and this measure is personal and varies drastically from one individual to the next.
I decided to watch our wedding memories but the door bell. Someone decides to rowdyism my placid moment.
I pause the set and pull my t-shirt down.
It's too short.
I wasn't expecting any visitors.
"Jele." I'm shocked to see him here. He has never been close to my house let alone be inside the yard.
"May I come in?" He is scanning around the house but still standing outside. I know a thug when I see one.
"Ntokazi."
Breath Nozimanga Prudence Shandu! You can not be affected by his voice.
"Hmmm,"
"Can I come in?"
"Yea, sure." I step aside and let him in. I close the door and he turns to face me.
I remember getting this close to Sigujana - I thought that maybe I was just falling for him but nah, it was just the brotherly love I had for him.
"Have a seat." I direct him to the couch. He sits opposite me making things very much awkward for me.
"Are you okay? How are you holding up?"
He asks. For the first time in ages someone I'm not related to gets to ask me how I'm holding up. I'm grateful for that.
"Honestly, I don’t know. I am just angry at everything and everyone.”
"I know that you’re hurting. I know that you are exhausted. I know that you want out, at times. I know that you want to get rid of the demons. The ones who cling and weigh you down. Your nights are spent swimming through the doubt and trying not to let it drown you.
You’ve numbed yourself waiting for the day you can fight back and walk into the light where you can finally breathe again.
And finally, I know that right now it feels like that place is unreachable."
I look at him puzzled.
"How do you know?"
"Your face tells a story no matter how hard you try to fool us. You hide through that beautiful smile of yours – but your eyes are too deep. Your then is a place of potential, of beauty, and of strength. Your wounds will heal to reveal marks of valour and perseverance. Your days will be filled with hope and eagerness for every tomorrow and it is the tomorrow that I hope you stick around for. You’ve got this friend. You are loved and you are strong."
He gets off the couch he was sitting on and sits next to me. He makes me lean on his shoulder and gives me a side hug. "All will be well."
I don't know why I have become so emotional. Everything just hurts, in me.
"I should get going. Was just checking up on you " he lets go of me and stands up straightening his pants. I stand too…
"Will see you around." I have suddenly become mute.
"Thanks you for dropping by. Guess I wanted I hear those words."
"My mother always told me that hugs always make one better."
I really need a hug.
He smells so damn good. I close my eyes smelling all of him. He wraps his around my waist - I tip toe balancing myself against his broad chest. For a moment I forget all my troubles.
I clear my throat…
He lets go of me, walks out of the door without saying anything.
The nicest weirdest hug ever! Atleast I'm in a brighter mood now.
BAGQIBILE
The whole night I have been having anxiety sleep. The minute I close my eyes I just see the father of my unborn child laying there in a pool of blood, unattended. I know he needs me, the ancestors wouldn't be showing me all this.
I look at the new article with my trembling hands. He got into a car accident. I've called every hospital around I know of but he is within non!
I throw the newspaper aside running out of options. I just want to know if he is okay or not! Maybe he needs me wherever he is. Let me try Mandleni one last time.
"Gqibi,"
"Hei, is Simphiwe not there? Yet?"
"Ow yeah, I forgot to tell you. He was admitted in this hospital."
I gasps in excitement.
"I'm coming." I'm already on my feet looking for shoes to wear.
"Coming where?"
"To see him."
Why would she ask me such?
"He is with his family."
My stomach turns and cringes. My baby is not liking the news at all.
"Ow,"
I'm just disappointed. I thought that maybe I will find him first and get to spend time with him.
"Look I have to go."
I sink back down on the couch. I'm defeated. I stand up again. I am going to see him. With or without his family being present. I think it's time I present myself.
Arriving at the hospital I find everyone there, I'm sure they are gossiping about whoever. I walk right past them without greeting. I hear laughter but I don't dare turn. I hold my head up high.
I know which room he is in, Mandleni told me earlier on. I attempt to open the door when I see a woman sited on the bed. She is caressing on his face. I sigh in disappointment when I notice that it's his wife. I walk back with a tail in-between my legs.
After leaving the hospital I went straight home and locked myself in my room. My sister is standing by the door looking at me and I know she wants to sing her version song of I told you so.
I have alot to offload my chest - but I'm looking at the wrong person.
"How do I get to unmute the feelings I'm feeling inside? How do I forget about him? How do I unlove him?" She sits next to me and holds my hand.
"Recognize that your needs are going unmet. Decide that you deserve better. Be honest and accept that he is not in love with you. Put yourself first mntaka mah."
She's right I need to put myself first through everything.
There's only one way that you will be successful at letting go of him — cut him off, completely. Stop following him on social media, block him on my phone, absolutely no sex, no late-night supportive conversations, and no just being friends with benefits — nothing! I need to be confident that you can do this because it's key!
I thought about it all day. I have come to a conclusion to take a step back. The day he wants be back he knows where to find me. I slid down on the bed and switch the side lamp off. I just need to free myself from this triangle I've put myself through.