Chapter 20
Hindi ako nagseselos. Kung ano 'yung sinabi ko 'yun na 'yun, walang halong pagsisinungaling. Bakit naman ba ako magseselos? 'E wala naman akong karapatan. Hindi naman niya ako girlfriend. Wala naman kaming label para magselos ako. Walang-wala!
I don't think it's jealousy... No, it can't be. Hindi naman ako umaastang nagseselos ako. Normal naman 'yun na may makausap si Liam na ibang babae. Ang nakakainis lang bakit ko ba pinagtutuunan ng pansin 'yun? Pati tuloy si Aliya kung ano-ano na ang iniisip.
Marahan akong nagpakawala ng malalim na hininga at minasahe ang ulo ko. Kasalukuyan akong nasa harapan ng working table ko at inaasikaso 'yung mga kailangan kong tapusin sa trabaho. Sobra na 'yung pagiging absent ko kaya kailangan kong maghabol ng gawain.
Nagamot na ni Aliyah 'yung paa ko. Medyo masakit siya kapag nilalakad ko, wala akong magawa kung 'di ang maglakad nang paika-ika para hindi tumama sa sahig.
Bumalik ulit ako sa pagtitipa sa laptop ko nang biglang may kumatok sa pinto. Dahil sa sobrang tutok ko sa laptop ay hinayaan ko na lang na makapasok si Aliyah. "Pasok," sabi ko. Ni hindi ko na siya binalingan pa ng tingin dahil sa pag-aasikaso ko ng mga papeles.
"Aliyah, may minutes of the meeting ka ba nung nag-meeting tayo kasama nung mga board of directors about sa orphanage proposal?" Tanong ko sa kanya pero hindi siya sumagot kaya kumunot ang noo ko. "I'm sure that my voice is loud and clear for you to hear my question," tunog seryoso kong usal.
"Yeah, I heard you loud and clear." Napatigil ako sa pagtitipa nang marinig ang isang malalim na boses. Nagpintig ang tenga ko at napagtantong hindi si Aliyah ang pumasok sa kwarto kung 'di si Liam.
Inalis ko ang atensyon ko sa laptop at dumako sa kanya. Nakita kong nakaupo siya sa gilid ng kama ko habang ang mga braso niya ay nakadantay sa gilid para hindi siya mapahiga sa kama ko.
I raised a brow. "What are you doing here?"
"Well, you told me to come in," depensa niya kaya hindi ko napigilan ang umirap.
"I only said to come in cause I thought Aliyah was the one knocking on the door, instead it was you. What are you even doing here?"
"Aliyah told me to call you over because it's dinner already," he replied. So it was Aliyah who kept ordering Liam to call me every time it's going to eat.
Ngumiti ako. "Okay, susunod na lang ako." Pagkatapos kong sabihin 'yun ay hindi siya gumalaw, nanatili lang siyang nakaupo sa kama ko. "You can leave now, Liam." Pinaalalahanan ko na itong umalis dahil may kailangan lang akong tapusin.
"No, I'm only leaving if you close your laptop," pagmamatigas niya kaya mahina akong natawa.
"Susunod naman ako kapag umalis ka na. So, please lang, mauna ka na." Para akong nakikipag-usap sa bata. Mas sasakit pa yata 'yung ulo ko sa kanya kaysa sa mga gawain ko.
He smirked and slowly stood up, approaching me. He put his hand on the side of my desk and the other one was on the back of my chair. He leaned his face closer to me, which made me alert. Even though he was looking at me with his keen eyes, I fought his gaze and tried to be unbothered with his face close to me.
"Bakit? Ayaw mo bang lumabas tayo ng sabay kasi ayaw mong may isipin sila?"
Parang nakiliti ang tenga ko dahil sa lalim ng boses niya. Kahit malalim 'yun ay nagawa niya pang ngumisi sa akin.
My eyes narrowed. "Wala naman akong sinabi na ayaw ko. Ang sinabi ko lang mauna ka na kasi may kailangan lang akong tapusin," diin ko.
"Well, sa tingin ko bago ka pa makababa ay tapos na kami kumain. Hindi lang dahil sa nagtatrabaho ka, pati na rin diyan sa paa mo." Bumaba ang tingin niya sa paa kong nakabenda. "Kulit mo kasi 'e. Sabing mag-tsinelas ka pero matigas ulo mo."
"Sabi ng taong mas matigas pa ang ulo kaysa sa akin," pang-aasar ko kaya mas lalong lumapad ang ngiti niya.
"Tama na muna 'yan. Sabi ni Sister Eva masamang pinaghihintay 'yung pagkain." Bago pa ako maka-angal ay tinaasan niya na ako ng kilay at wala siyang pag-aalinlangang pinatay ang laptop ko. Namilog ang mga mata ko dahil hindi ako makapaniwala sa ginawa niya.
"How dare you," I uttered, but that didn't bother him. He gave me a scornful look, and I was just so dumbfounded on how he's been responding.
Hinawakan niya ang braso ko at pinalibot 'yun sa balikat niya para alalayan akong tumayo. Wala naman akong sinabi na tulungan niya ako pero ginawa niya pa rin.
"Hindi naman ako baldado, Liam. Kaya ko naman," saad ko habang sinusuot ang tsinelas ko.
"Hayaan mo na lang ako alalayan ka, puwede?" Wala na akong nasabi pagkatapos nu'n. Hinayaan ko na lang na nakapatong ang braso ko sa balikat niya at tinulungan akong makapaglakad.
Sa sobrang lapit ko sa kanya ay muli na namang nanuot sa ilong ko ang pabango niya. Wala pa ring nagbago, sakto lang ang amoy ng pabango niya kaya nakasanayan na ng ilong ko.
When we came out of the room and walked in the hallway, I couldn't help stealing glances at him. He's so close that I could clearly see the details on his face even though the hallway wasn't that bright.
I never thought that his lashes were long and thick. His freckles were not that visible when you're far from him, but when you're too close, it is visible. Those are the features I observed as I'm close to him.
When I realized that I had been looking too much, I cleared my throat and focused on walking instead.
"Hindi ka pa ba uuwi? Sobra na 'yung bakasyon mo."
"I will leave tomorrow morning," he replied and I just nodded. "How about you? You will stay here for a while?"
"Depende, kailangan ko rin kasing asikasuhin 'yung mga bata. Magpapadala na lang ako ng mga bodyguard dito kapag aalis ako."
Nang makarating kami sa hagdan ay pumalibot sa baywang ko ang braso niya para mas lalo akong alalayan. Nang lumapat ang kamay niya sa gilid ng baywang ko ay kaunti kong nakagat ang ibabang labi ko.
I was careful as I went down the stairs and with his support, I was able to use my foot without putting too much pressure when going down. And when we reached the last step, I saw Camilla outside the rest house, preparing her sports bike. Is she about to leave?
"Liam, mauna ka na. Pupuntahan ko lang si Camilla," usal ko at tinanggal ang braso ko sa balikat niya, gano'n din ang ginawa niya sa braso niyang nakapalibot sa baywang ko. Kahit paika-ika ay naglakad ako palabas ng rest house para kausapin si Camilla.
"Hindi ka man lang ba mag-hahapunan dito?" Tanong ko sa kanya na dahilan para matigilan siya sa paghahanda.
Ngumiti siya sa akin. "Nah, I'm going already since my parents are already looking for me. Hindi kasi ako nagpaalam sa kanila. I just sneak out of the house."
Nung sinabi niya 'yun ay humagikhik ako dahil parang sanay na sanay na siyang tumakas o hindi kaya pumasok sa mga bahay nang patago. "I conclude that the word you love is sneaking."
"Can't deny that. I'm a pro when it comes to sneaking in and out." She was proud to say that and I couldn't help smiling because of an opposite personality. I thought she was a bit cold and preferred not to interact because of her clothes a while ago, but she's the opposite of that. Maybe she just likes to wear dark clothes, just like Liam.
"By the way, I want to apologize for hacking just to locate your address. I just really want to know how Sister Eva and the kids are doing after the fire," Camilla apologized.
"Ayos lang 'yun. Naiintindihan ko naman 'yung intensyon mo na makita si Sister Eva pati na rin 'yung mga bata. But please don't make it a habit, since it's illegal."
She scrunched her face and nodded afterwards. "And also, I want to say that you can now stop glaring at me whenever I'm talking to Liam. I have no interest in the man you like."
Nag-isang linya ang mga kilay ko. "I'm sorry?"
"Oh, come on. I have seen you rolling your eyes and being annoyed multiple times. Kulang na lang yata lagyan mo na ng duct-tape 'yung bibig ko dahil sa sama ng tingin mo sa akin," dagdag niya pa kaya awkward akong tumawa. Ano bang sinasabi niya?
"I-I don't know what you're talking about," I denied.
"Sienna, it's obvious that you're into him. I could tell with just your actions a while ago. Have you confessed already?"
I beamed. "There's nothing to confess, Camilla. Liam is just a close friend of mine."
"I see that you're still in the denial stage." She was consistently smirking as if she's enjoying seeing me being confused on what she's talking about.
"Denial what?" My tone went higher a bit and when we both realized that, I shifted my gaze and cleared my throat to compose my voice.
Now Camilla gave me a teasing look. "It's so obvious that you like him, Sienna. Bakit hindi mo subukang umamin, malay mo gano'n din 'yung nararamdaman niya sa 'yo."
If only I could tell that Liam has already confessed. Argh!
"As I said to you, there's nothing to confess, Camilla. I don't like him... I only see him as a close friend. That's all," I concluded and I felt like a sting on the tip of my tongue after saying that as if it shouldn't be that way.
"Okay, if that's what you really see, but for me, that's not it. The way you look at him was totally different from the way you look at a friend, Sienna. Cringe to say, but you have these sparks in your eyes whenever you're talking to him. You're turning soft when things are about Liam."
It was a long monologue coming from her, but the only thought that I processed was her observation of me when I'm looking at Liam. With that, I lost my smile. I pressed my lips together and just couldn't think of something that would help me defend myself from Camilla's conclusions.
"Sienna, it's up to you. I'm just saying this because I don't want you to miss things that are already meant for you to be happy. Sayang din kasi." Sumakay siya sa sports bike niya at nilagay ang susi sa key hole. Kinuha niya ang helmet at bago niya suotin 'yun ay ngumiti siya sa huling pagkakataon.
"I hope you two would end up together," Camilla added, which made me stilled. She wore her helmet and drove away. I even saw her wave her hand as a goodbye. I watched her go away until she vanished on the big trees.
Akmang papasok na ako sa loob ng rest house nang makita ko si Liam sa bintana na tumatawa kasama ang mga bata sa hapag-kainan. When I saw him smiling and laughing with the kids, I felt like my heart turned soft, making me smile purely.
Gustuhin ko man... pero 'yung takot kasi na baka hindi ako tama sa kanya at baka isa ako sa maging pagkakamali niya, 'yun 'yung laging sumasagi sa isipan ko. Nasanay na kasi akong makatanggap ng mga negatibong salita sa ibang tao at wala akong ginawa kung 'di tanggapin 'yun. Kaya siguro gano'n na rin 'yung takot ko simula nung makilala ko siya.
He deserves better. His life is full of pure happiness and I don't want to ruin that.
Dumiretso na ako sa dinning room at sa pagpasok ay kaagad na nagtama ang tingin namin ni Liam. I gasped because of our eyes suddenly locked at each other. I immediately took my gaze away from him and went straight to the kids.
"Ate, kain na," aya sa akin ng mga bata kaya ngumiti ako. Umupo ako at sinamahan na silang kumain. Hindi nagtagal ay isa-isa na silang pumasok sa mga kwarto para magpahinga na habang ako naman ay dumiretso sa veranda para dalawin ng antok.
Kumawala sa bibig ko ang malalim na paghinga pagkatapos ay nagulo ang buhok dahil paulit-ulit na sumasagi sa isipan ko ang sinabi ni Camilla at hindi lang 'yun, pati na rin 'yung sinabi ni Aliyah kanina. Parang sasabog na 'yung ulo ko kakaisip.
"Shit," I hissed silently because of frustration.
"Is there a problem?"
Mariin kong napikit ang mga mata ko nang magpintig na naman sa tenga ko ang boses ni Liam. "Hindi ba dapat natutulog ka na kasi maaga pa ang alis mo bukas?" Kwestiyon ko.
"Pupunta sana ako sa kusina," aniya kaya nagtama ang mga kilay ko.
"Bakit ka pupunta du'n? Balak mong magtimpla ng kape?"
He shook his head. "I don't like coffee. Mas gusto ko gatas."
"Gano'n ba. Sige, kung gusto mo ng malamig nasa ref lang naman 'yun pero kung gusto mo 'yung tinitimpla, tingnan mo na lang sa kitchen counter."
Ang akala ko pagkatapos nu'n ay didiretso na siya ng kusina pero nagulat na lang ako nang bigla niyang siniksik ang sarili niya sa kinauupuan ko.
"Aray, ano ba!" Dahil sa pagpupumilit niyang umupo sa upuan ay pinaubaya ko na lang sa kanya 'yung space ko at tumayo. "Marami namang upuan dito, diyan ka pa talaga umupo kung saan ako nakapuwesto. Lakas ng amats mo—Ah!"
Napasigaw ako nang bigla niyang hilain ang braso ko at sumikdo ang puso ko nang mapaupo ako sa mga binti niya. Namilog ang mga mata ko at kaagad na nag-init ang mga pisngi. Tatayo na sana ako pero mabilis niyang pinulupot ang mga braso niya sa baywang ko.
"Liam, isa," pagbabanta ko sa kanya pero mukhang hindi siya natinag dahil nagawa niya pang ngumisi. "Bitaw nga! Baka may makakita sa atin." Pasigaw akong bumulong. Ginamit ko na lahat ng lakas ko para lang matanggal 'yung mga braso niya sa baywang ko pero hindi sapat 'yun dahil nagmamatigas talaga siya. Sunod niyang ginawa ay sinandal niya ang ulo niya sa balikat ko.
"Liam—"
"Just this time, please. Hayaan mo na ako... Uuwi na ako bukas," mahina niyang pakiusap kaya unti-unti na akong tumigil sa pagpupumiglas. Binasa ko ang nanunuyo kong labi dahil sa paunti-unting namumuong kaba. Sobrang lapit namin sa isa't isa. Para tuloy napupugto ang hininga ko.
"Sienna..." he called my name and I could feel his warm breath hitting my skin.
"Mhh?"
"I like you, Sienna... I really do."
Even though he only mumbled, it was clear and it echoed in my ears, making my heart throbbed once again. Kahit na pangatlong beses niya na 'yung sinabi sa akin ay wala pa ring kupas ang pagbibigay nu'n ng kakaibang epekto sa puso ko. Liam kept repeating that as if he wants to give me an assurance that he's sincere on the words that are coming out from his mouth.
I exhaled to let out the nervousness I'm feeling. "I know and you don't have to keep on saying that. Malinaw sa akin na gusto mo ako."
Inalis niya ang pagkakasandal ng ulo niya sa balikat ko at malalim akong tiningnan. "Ikaw, malinaw na ba sa 'yo kung anong nararamdaman mo?" Kwestiyon niya at nakuha ko naman kung anong gusto niyang iparating sa akin.
"Liam, please..." Now, I'm the one who's begging him to stop. After I said that, we both stared at each other silently. We were both reading each other's minds. As we both remained silent, my eyes got distracted with his lips. I closed my eyes for a moment to regain my senses. This is really out of control. My eyes remained shut until I found the right words to say to him.
"Liam..." I opened my eyes and right when I did that, I caught him staring at my lips. He only shifted his eyes when he felt that I'm already staring straight into his eyes.
"Damn it. I really want to kiss you right now." I could hear the frustration in his husky voice. He was fighting his own intrusive thoughts although I saw his desire flashed through his eyes. I don't know, but seeing that, I feel hypnotized.
I felt breathless as I saw my hands slowly moving until it cupped his cheeks. Parang may sarili silang buhay na bigla na lang napunta sa mga pisngi ni Liam. Hindi ko alam pero parang wala ako sa katinuan. Parang wala akong paghihigpit sa sarili ko, hinayaan ko lang na mismong puso ko ang mag-kontrol sa akin.
Nilapit ko ang mukha ko sa kanya at walang hesitasyong hinalikan ang noo niya, sunod sa kanyang pisngi. Nang lumayo ako ay nakita kong naging tuliro siya sa ginawa ko pero ilang segundo lang ang tinagal nu'n.
His eyes darkened and I saw his jaw tightened. Before I could gasp, he already claimed my lips, creating a striking feeling towards my stomach. In just a snap, my eyes voluntarily closed and my lips started to respond to his kisses as if it was already anticipating to taste his lips for the second time.
My back is slightly bending backwards because of how eager he is to taste my lips. I was already falling, but he supported me with his firm arms to keep me steady. I also wrapped my arms around his neck to deepen the kiss.
The kiss wasn't that aggressive. I wasn't catching my breath because his lips were moving smoothly into mine. Something is tickling my stomach and my heart is about to explode because of the sudden kiss. Can't consider it as a poison, but rather a trap for me to get caught and confess.
I was out of control. No restrictions and just let myself lose.
The sound of our kisses was echoing in my ears, which made me lose my mind and do the things that I shouldn't be doing.
When our lips parted from each other, the first thing I did was to look straight in his eyes and I saw my reflection. The look was so clear... There's no denying anymore. He can just look at my face, and it says it all. My feelings towards him were so visible on my face. Just with that, I know I already fucked up.
I really do... I really have fallen for him, but instead of being happy because I already admitted it, fear crippled into my depths and it felt like it flashed through my eyes.
I immediately stood up and started panicking. Hindi ko na ininda ang pananakit ng paa ko dahil gusto ko lang ay ang makaalis kaagad sa sitwasyon.
"I-I'm sorry... It was a mistake," I mumbled and I saw Liam's face become distorted. He was in disbelief after hearing what I said. "I'm really sorry."
Pumasok ako sa loob ng rest house at sinubukan na lakihan ang mga hakbang ko para makaalis pero hinabol ako ni Liam.
"No, you're not going to do this again." He grabbed my arm, making me face him again. "We are not going through this again, Sienna."
"Liam, let go of my arm now." I made my voice stern for him to feel threatened, but that didn't work. He was just so determined to make me let out those words he wanted to hear.
"Sienna, please," Liam begged with his face being frustrated. Para akong nakikipagpatintero sa kanya. Gusto niya akong tayain pero panay ako iwas. 'Yun siguro ang mahahalintulad ko sa sitwasyon namin ngayon.
"Huwag mo naman akong tratuhin nang ganito. You're being unfair," he reasoned out. "The first time we kissed, you said it was a mistake... Ngayon, pagkakamali pa rin?" Rinig na rinig ko sa boses niya ang paghihirap niya. Pati siya naguguluhan na.
I bit my lower lip as I felt my tears start to dwell on the side of my eyes. His eyes were full of pain and it's tearing me apart seeing him like that. I can't bear staring at him with a look like that, knowing I was the reason. It wasn't supposed to be this way.
"You're complicated, Sienna..." He bitterly smiled. "Naiintindihan ko naman 'e... Naiintindihan ko naman kung bakit naging gano'n kakomplikado sa 'yo ang magpakatotoo sa sarili mo maging sa mga taong malapit sa 'yo pero hindi dapat kasama du'n 'yung magbibigay ka ng motibo at sasabihin mong pagkakamali lang lahat ng 'yun."
Inisang hakbang ko ang pagitan naming dalawa at mataman siyang tinitigan. "Komplikado ako para sa 'yo, Liam. Alam mo 'yun sa simula pa lang... Pero hindi ko naman kinailangan ng pangunawa mo. Hindi ko hiningi 'yun sa 'yo—"
"Kusa kong binigay 'yun, Sienna, kasi gano'n ang kaibigan. Hindi mo man hingin sa akin 'yun, kusa kong ibibigay 'yun. Sanay ka na sa gano'n? Na hindi ka inuunawa? Puwes, sa akin hindi kasi importante ka sa akin. Your feelings are valid to me. You matter to me. I care about you. Day, noon, and night, I care about you!"
"If you feel frustrated because of how complicated I am, then stop liking me! There are so many reasons for you to stop, Liam!"
"I can't!" He yelled and held his forehead then ran his fingers on his hair. "I can't stop liking you, Sienna."
A tear escaped my eye then I plastered a forced smile. "Ang daming rason, Liam... Sobrang daming rason para pigilan mo 'yang nararamdaman mo."
"I'm not finding reasons to stop liking you... You make me happy and that's what matters to me. I like you no matter what," he remarked and I just shook my head while smiling painfully at him.
I sobbed. "You don't know what you're talking about, Liam."
"I know what I'm saying, Sienna..." His eyes shone with tears. "I love everything about you... Even your mess. And I'm determined to pursue you. I will do everything to be the man deserving of you, to be worthy of you."
Mas lalo ko siyang nakilala kahit na wala pang isang taon ang nakalipas. Kung ano ang pinaparamdam niya sa akin ay gano'n din ang gusto kong iparamdam sa kanya pero natatakot ako, sobra.
"Damn you, Liam," I stated and wiped my tears. I cupped both his cheeks and couldn't stop smiling softly at him. This man is really something else. He's really not scared to voice out his thoughts.
"Y-You already grew on me. After so many bad things happened, I became unfortunate with love..." My eyes went blurry again as I confessed. "I thought no other man would accept me the way Aly did. When he got married, I closed my heart because I believe that no one could ever love me the way he did... But I was wrong."
I can't run anymore. I just need to face what's obvious now because I'm already tired of denying what's been going on in my thoughts. I was so in denial about what I feel for him because I don't want to misinterpret the meaning of being in love and the need to be loved.
"Y-You opened my heart, Liam. I thought that every time we meet, all I can think is that you're the man who handed me a handkerchief when I was crying, but when I got close to you, every time I looked at you... I was thinking look at that man. He's just so pure... and I want to love him."
This time it felt so real. It never crossed my mind that I would be able to confess again. I thought after a tragic ending, there was no hope for love anymore, but rather that ending happened because there's another book that will be written beautifully, another chapter to be told but now with someone else.
"And so I did... I-I have learned to love you, Liam. But I don't want to admit it, to confess it to you, because I'm afraid that I might be wrong for you..." Tinakpan ko saglit ang nanginginig kong bibig para hindi makawala ang paghikbi ko pero muli kong tinuloy ang sinasabi ko at pakiramdam ko mas lalo akong naiiyak kahit na sinusubukan kong kumalma.
"M-Mahal kita pero natatakot ako na baka maging pagkakamali mo ako dahil sa sobrang komplikado kong tao... Natatakot akong marinig na naman sa taong mahal ko na nagsisisi siyang minahal niya ako kasi hindi ko na kakayanin 'yun... Hindi ko na kayang marinig pa 'yun ulit, Liam. A-Ayokong mangyare ulit 'yun."
Ilang beses kong sinabi ang mga salitang 'yun habang umiiling at umiiyak. Hindi makapaniwala si Liam sa mga sinabi ko. He was appalled to speak, but he grabbed my arm and pulled me suddenly to embrace me tightly. I couldn't help but to also hug him back and bury my head on his chest.
"I-I'm so sorry..." I stuttered.
"Shh, you don't have to," Liam whispered and caressed my head. He kissed my forehead as well as my cheek. I moved my head to look up towards him. He leaned his face slowly until I felt his lips again touching mine. It was a simple kiss, yet full of love and sincerity. When our lips parted from each other, we hugged again, wanting each others' comfort. We remained silent, and I think that is beautiful because I'm hugging the person I love.
It's the perfect silence for the best comfort I've felt in my life.
Y A S S Y N O T E S