TW: mentions of overdose & brief mentions of suicide
I rolled the back of my head against the headrest, my eyes becoming heavy after the food I just ate. I always get sleepy after I eat, I've been like that since I was a kid.
We stopped at a drive-thru and got something to eat so that we could just hang out at the hotel and not have to worry about getting food until tomorrow, which I'm fine with. We had stopped at Josie's for tacos for lunch, then stopped about five minutes ago to get something to hold us over.
Honestly I really wasn't even hungry yet but I ate something because I knew that I would be hungry within the next few hours and I didn't want to be miserable until we ate tomorrow.
I shifted my eyes up towards a large building as I felt the car starting to slow down. It was annoying that Harry didn't set a GPS for the trip because throughout the entire drive I had no idea how much longer it'd be until we got to the hotel. But he's done this drive before and he already told me that he can remember how to get places after only being there once so I guess it makes sense that he wouldn't set the GPS.
I wonder how that all works for him. I wonder if he sees flashes of signs in his head or if he reads a sign and remembers taking that exit.
I'd ask him, but we're currently listening to an audiobook. Neither of us have spoken since getting food and neither of us had spoken before that after he put the book on, besides him occasionally asking if I wanted a cigarette when he'd pull one out for himself.
He asked me what kinds of books are my favorite so I told him that I like thrillers and mysteries. Apparently he has audiobooks on his phone so instead of listening to music, we started a book called The Life We Bury. It's honestly really good so far and I think that even Harry is pretty into it.
There'll be a slight plot twist and I can see him furrowing his brows as he tries to think over all the possibilities in his head. Is Carl the killer, or was he wrongfully accused? And if he really was wrongfully sentenced, then who was the real killer? And why?
It was kind of amusing to watch him think about the book as we drove. The subtle changes in his face as he listened were pretty much my only form of entertainment besides listening to the audio.
I looked over as Harry turned down the volume of the book. We had just started chapter 21 and I was pretty invested at the point. Joe, the main character, and his love interest, Lila, had just started to investigate photos from the crime scene from 30 years prior.
"We're here." Harry said, his finger reaching out to pause the book.
"Can we listen to the book on the trip back?" I asked, my mind whirling around all of the new possibilities that had just opened up. I probably should have said something about getting to the hotel but all I could think about right now was the book.
I tend to get pretty caught up when it's a good book.
He nodded, "Yeah, we can."
We parked in the lot on the side, then got out of the car and Harry headed for the trunk where I'm assuming he had put our bags.
"Your laptop is in the backseat." He said as he opened the trunk.
I walked a few steps forward and tugged the door open. I reached in and grabbed the laptop, holding it in the same arm that I held Harrys flannel in. I shut the door at the same time I heard the trunk closing.
That was fast.
Harry walked around to where I was, carrying both suitcases. "Let's go."
I nodded even though he had already turned away from me, so I just started following behind him towards the front of the hotel. I craned my neck back and looked at the giant building in front of us. It was already getting late, it was about eight thirty so majority of the lights were coming from the city by now.
The building in front of us was actually really tall. I lived in New York so it wasn't the biggest I've seen, but it'll definitely be the biggest I've ever gone into.
There was a pond in front of the hotel with a fountain coming out of the top of it. I wanted to stop and admire it, but Harry had continued walking passed it, so I followed in pursuit behind him.
As we walked up towards the hotel my mouth began to drop. As the inside of the hotel became more clear to me I could see how just how fancy it actually was. Walking through the revolving door I followed Harry up to the front desk, my eyes frantically searching over the lobby.
"Can I help you?" The lady behind the desk looked up from over her glasses at Harry as he set the bags down, leaning with his palms against the desk.
The front desk worker's eyes scanned her way down Harry, then looked over to me. I could tell that she was judging us from the way she was looking at our clothes.
Harry and I both wore hoodies and me in sweats with freshly washed hair and no make up on. I probably wouldn't expect me to be staying in this hotel if I were her either.
"Harry Styles." Harry spoke, the woman's eyes moving back over to him.
She straightened up in her chair, pushing her glasses up further onto her nose as she gave him a new smile. "Oh, Mr. Styles, of course! My apologies sir, we were told that you would be arriving today. I'll get your room key right away."
She clicked a few things on the computer screen in front of her then reached to her left and pulled a keycard from a drawer.
"Room 2904, like you requested." She smiled as she stuck her arm out towards Harry.
He snatched the keycard from her hands and stuck it in his back pocket. He bent down without looking back to the lady and picked our bags up from the floor.
He turned back towards me and nodded his head to the side telling me to follow him. As I followed the lady behind the desk called out, "H-Have a nice stay Mr. Styles!"
I walked a little faster so that I could fall into step next to Harry. He turned his head slightly to the side to glance at me, his sunglasses still down over his eyes as we walked towards the elevator.
"Seems like she knew who you were." I let out a laugh.
"Everyone here knows my name."
My furrowed my brows at him, "Oh?"
That seemed a little cocky, even for him.
"My father owns this hotel along with every other of its kind nationwide." Harry said coming to a stop in front of the elevators, his hand jutting out so that he can press the up button with his index finger.
My mouth dropped as he spoke, my brain trying to comprehend what he had just said. "I'm sorry... what?"
"I said my father owns it." He said with a monotone voice, his gaze fixed on the elevator doors in front of us.
He's being so nonchalant about this. He just told me that his father owns the building we're standing in and yet he's acting like what he said is something totally normal.
The elevator dinged, the doors opening to allow us to walk in. After shuffling in next to him, I turned so I could look at the side of his face.
"Are you joking?" I prodded. "That was a joke, right?"
He turned to look at me as he leaned against the wall. "No, that wasn't a joke."
"So you're telling me that your father actually owns this hotel?"
"And every other—"
"Why are you acting so nonchalant?" I cut him off in a small outburst. "That's kind of crazy, you know that right?"
He shook his head, "It's not crazy."
"Uh... yeah it is. My father couldn't even afford to buy groceries for the house, but yours literally own an entire hotel franchise!"
He scrunched his nose, "More of a hotel chain really."
"What?"
"There's a difference between chain and franchise." He said turning his head to me again. "A chain has a single owner operating all the business locations, but a franchise has separate owners, each operating in individual locations. My fathers hotels are chains since they are a group of hotels owned by one person, him, but spread nationwide."
The elevator stopped as it reached the 29th floor, the doors opening to reveal a large opening with white marbled flooring.
Harry exited the elevator, my feet following quickly behind him with my mind racing
"So is that the family business then? Owning hotels?"
Harrys head turned to look at me, his brows scrunched together. "No."
He turned to the right and headed through the large opening towards a hallway. His legs were longer than mine and he walked at a quicker pace so I had to do a little bit of a jog to catch up to him.
"Something had to initially be there for him to have money to build these hotels, right? I mean I haven't actually stayed in a hotel that wasn't his since I was a kid, and even then I didn't stay in... normal hotels. But even I know that a regular hotel doesn't look like this." He nodded his head back towards the large opening behind us. The marbled floors and chandelier were a dead give away of the luxury of this hotel. "Something had to be set prior for these hotels to be paid for."
"Okay...?" I trailed off hoping that he would fill in the blanks for me.
"That something happens to be the family business." He said, stopping at a door near the end of the hall.
It was the only door on this side of the hall as far as I noticed. I looked back and saw that the other side of the hall was the same, only one door.
Harry put down one of the bags and reached into his back pocket for the keycard. After fishing it out he raised it to the door and scanned it, a green light on the handle flashing to show that it was unlocked.
"It's not the penthouse." He started as he pushed the door open. "It's booked for this weekend, but we didn't need six rooms anyway."
Once again my mouth hung open and I was left in shock. Not by what he was saying, but by what I was seeing.
I stepped through the doorway, Harry waiting as he held the door open for me with his foot. "It's not too bad."
"Not too bad?!" I nearly screeched. "It literally has a second floor!" I pointed my finger towards the stairs.
"Yeah, the bedrooms are upstairs."
"Bedrooms? Like plural?" He nodded his head so I continued, "See! That's not normal! Normal hotels rooms have one room with one or two beds. That's it. Not a freaking living room, kitchen and upstairs with separate rooms!" I blurted. "This is a freaking apartment."
Harry dropped the bags at the staircase pushing his sunglasses to the top of his head. "Wow... Good thing the penthouse was booked, otherwise you really would have lost your shit."
"I'm not, "loosing my shit"," I tried to say with my best english accent to copy him, something I've done a lot more lately. "I'm just saying that is kind of amazing. My father was constantly working, yet he never had anything to show for it. He actually had a pretty good job so I don't really understand where all of his money went— Well, other than to alcohol. So the fact that your father actually owns a chain of hotels, sorry, but that's kind of freaking cool to me."
"You can pick whichever room you'd like." Harry said as he pulled out his cigarettes from his back pocket, disregarding everything that I had said. "We share a bathroom though, just like at the house."
I nodded, "Okay."
I walked over to the staircase and picked up my suitcase, the bag heavier than I thought it was going to be.
"I'm going to put my suitcase in the room."
"Wifi password is Stylesenter72 with a capital S. S-t-y-l-e-s-e-n-t-e-r." He spelled out as I began to climb the stairs.
"The wifi password is your last name?" I laughed.
"The private wifi, yeah." He confirmed as I got near the top of the stairs. I could hear him suck in a breath when he was talking so I knew that he had probably lit a cigarette.
I nodded even though he couldn't see me from the top of the stairs. "Thanks."
There was a door straight in front of me and a door to my right at the top of the stairs, both of them opened to reveal the bedrooms. They were pretty much identical so I went ahead with the one that was in front of me.
Walking in I shut the door behind me and headed straight for the bed. A queen sized bed.
I swung the suitcase up and dropped it onto the bed along with Harry's flannel and the laptop that I was still carrying. I looked around the room, barely any light seeping in through the hallway since the curtains were pulled shut. From what I could see, it was really nice.
I bet the sheets for this bed are more expensive than all my clothes combined.
I grabbed my things out of my suitcase and started to put them away, leaving only my clothes inside as I slid it under the bed.
With my bathroom things in hand I pushed the door open and nearly dropped everything in my arms onto the floor as I took in the bathroom.
"Holy..." I murmured as my eyes scanned over the beautiful scenery.
It's not the same as the bathroom at the house, I think that one is still nicer. But for a hotel bathroom this is incredible.
There was a walk in shower and separate bathtub just like at the house, but one major difference was the gigantic window that overlooked the entire city. It was getting pretty dark now so the city was starting to light up with all of the lights from many different buildings. There was no curtain for the bathroom window but this was the tallest building that I could see from here and I doubt that anyone could actually see up here.
I set all of the things in my arms down onto the counter and started to put them away accordingly. Once I was done I headed back into the room and pulled Harry's hoodie from my body, kicking off my shoes and leaving myself in my sweats, socks and black tank top.
I placed the hoodie on the dresser, then took the laptop and my eye mask off of my bed and set them on the bedside table.
I turned back towards the bedroom door and decided to go downstairs and see if Harry was still down there since I had finished putting all
of my things away. However, as soon as I opened the door I was taken aback by the overwhelming smell of weed causing my eyes to widen. I peered my head out of the door and looked towards the room Harry was going to be staying in.
As I looked around the corner I could see Harry laying on his bed over the covers. His boots were kicked off at the end of his bed leaving him in his socks. He was laying with his back halfway up on the head rest, his legs crossed over each other with one arm tucked under his head and the other on his lower stomach with a lit joint resting in his fingers.
"You gonna stand there watching me or are you gonna come take a hit?" He asked in a raspy voice.
I let out a small laugh, mostly to try and cover my embarrassment that he caught me watching him as I nodded and took a few steps towards his room, the potent smell filling up my senses.
I walked into his room and sat at the end of his bed. I turned to face him and pulled my legs up onto the bed sitting crisscrossed. Harry extended his arm out towards me offering me the joint, which I took without a word and took a hit from it.
The smoke cascaded down my throat and into my lungs, my chest warming at the feeling. As I released the smoke back into the air a slight burn followed it, not enough to make me cough, just enough for me to feel it. I took another hit, then leaned forward to hand it back to Harry. As I leaned to sit back up straight I let the smoke out to dissipate in front of me.
As Harry brought the joint to his lips I looked beside him and noticed a brown leather book. I could see the cover was blank, but worn like it was old, an uncapped pen sitting next to it on the comforter.
"You have a journal?" I asked, my eyes moving up to Harrys.
His brows lowered and he looked down at the book beside him. He took another long hit of the joint then handed it back to me without a word. As I took it from him he slid the book underneath his pillow as if that was going to erase the memory of me seeing it.
"Sorry, I shouldn't have asked. That's private." I apologized before taking another hit.
"It's not a journal. It's a—" He cut off taking the joint back from me. "Doesn't matter what it is, but it's not a journal." He clarified as he ashed the joint into the nearly empty glass of whiskey on the nightstand beside him.
"It's okay if it is. I wouldn't tell anyone." I assured as Harry took the final hit from the joint.
"Good to know." Harry turned his head to the side, blowing out the smoke as he dropped the joint into the whiskey glass. "But like I said, it's not a journal."
"Okay." I murmured looking down at the comforter on his bed, my fingers starting to mindlessly pick at my polish.
"Let's go get a drink."
I looked up to see Harry pushing himself from the bed, his head turned towards me as he stood.
"A drink?"
He nodded, "I just dropped the joint in mine so I need another. Figured you might want something too."
I nodded with a small smile as I stood, "Yeah, sure."
"What do you want? I went to bar tending school so I'm pretty good at making drinks." He said as we headed towards the stairs outside of his room.
"You went to bar tending school?" I was kind of surprised to say the least, I didn't really take him as the school type.
Harry let out a short laugh, "Fuck no I didn't. That was supposed to be a joke."
I rolled my eyes with a smile as we reached the bottom of the stairs. "As hard as it would be for me to imagine you in school, I believed you."
"I was homeschooled until I "dropped out"." He raised his fingers to put air quotations around dropped out. "But I have been going to bars since I was sixteen, so tell me what you want and I'm sure I can make it."
"Hm..." I thought about it for a moment as we walked up to the bar just on the other side of the kitchen.
I sat down at one of the stools as Harry walked around the counter, placing himself in front of me. He pressed his palms against the surface and leaned into it, his eyes looking intensely into mine.
"Well?"
"Sex on the Beach." I said, folding my hands in front of me on the counter.
Harry nodded while looking underneath the counter briefly before pulled out a tall glass, peach schnapps and vodka. He turned to the side, reaching down and opening what sounded to be a refrigerator. I heard him digging around but eventually he pulled out orange juice and cranberry juice as well.
"Wow." I raised me eyebrows. "I'm not sure if I'm more surprised by the fact that the ingredients were actually here or the fact that you knew the ingredients to a cocktail."
"I have sisters." He shrugged taking the top
off of the peach schnapps.
I nodded, "Fair enough."
I watched as he mixed the drink together, perfectly might I add. I worked at the club long enough to know what it should look and taste like. So far it's passed the look test. As he added the vodka his eyes raised to meet mine with a devilish smirk as he added another shots worth of the liquid.
Harry finished with my drink and slid it towards me on the counter before putting away the ingredients he had used.
I picked up the glass, using the straw that Harry had stuck into it and took a sip.
"Wow..." I managed, taking another drink.
"Did I do it right?" He looked up at me through his lashes as he rummaged through the alcohol behind the counter.
"Yeah, it's perfect." I smiled, taking another sip.
Despite the extra vodka he added, the drink was still really good. I also like vodka though so adding more didn't affect the drink any.
"It'd probably taste better with ice but I didn't feel like getting any from the kitchen." He said before taking the top off of a whiskey bottle and throwing back a drink straight from the bottle.
"It's fine, it's really good without the ice anyway."
"Mm..." He nodded, swallowing back the dark liquid before walking out from behind the counter to sit on one of the bar stools next to me.
I watched him as he slid into the spot at the end, leaving one empty seat between us. His hand clung to the whiskey bottle and his brows were furrowed in thought as I silently watched him.
He stared down to the bar in front of us, his eyes unblinking as the silence between us grew. I was about to break it myself, when he finally spoke.
"I'm not going to do it again." He said, his eyes finally moving to meet mine.
Do what? Make me a drink?
"That's okay, I worked at the club so I know how to make a few drinks. Thank for this one tho—"
"I'm not talking about the drink, Rori." He spoke as he turned away from me again.
"Well I don't know what you're talking about then..." I trailed off watching his side profile as he took another drink from the bottle of whiskey.
"I'm not going to overdose here." He said, his eyes trained on the counter. "Shouldn't have been your problem to find me that night. So I'm just saying that you don't have to worry about me doing it while we're here."
I sat there quietly, the weight of the conversation hanging heavy on me. He kind of came out of no where with that topic so I had no idea how to respond to it, my mind was reeling as I tried.
"It's not the first time it happened." He moved his head to look at me now, his green eyes shining underneath the bright lights above the bar. "But it was the first time someone's found me like that."
I looked at the bottle he was clutching harshly in his hand. I swear it looks like if he held onto it even a fracture of a bit tighter it would shatter under the pressure.
"I brought coke but I haven't mixed it with smoking since before that night. Besides, I wasn't even on coke that night so that had nothing to do with it." He said turning his head back to take another drink from the bottle.
I nodded, "I found the pill bottle on the floor."
He shook his head slowly, "Figured you did."
"Harry... I don't want you to get mad at me for this, but I have to ask." I said slowly trying to word it the best way that I could.
I don't want to piss him off, but I really want to know if what I'm thinking is true.
"Your question for the day?" He asked, his eyes fixated on the counter again.
"Yeah, it's my question for the day. But remember you don't have to answer it if you don't want to." I assured. "Just because we've been talking more doesn't mean that I expect you to tell me everything."
He nodded, not giving me a verbal answer.
"That night... we're you trying to—" I cut myself off, sighing. "I don't know how to ask it without sounding like an ass."
"Was I trying to kill myself?" He asked, his eyes moving to meet mine again.
"Yeah..." I said softly.
He shrugged, "Honestly I don't know. I don't think I really cared at that point in the night. The pills were a mix of a lot of different things and in the moment of me taking them it was kind of a "whatever happens, happens" kind of thing. I just didn't care about anything other than chasing the high. Of course I knew there was a risk but there's risk in everything. We could get in a wreck and die tomorrow on the way to the show, or the hotel could collapse overnight. Dramatic, but possible." He murmured the last part. "I don't live my life thinking about the risks of things going bad. Living with a mindset like that isn't even living at all."
I listened quietly, my drink nearly halfway gone as I sipped it every so often while he was speaking.
"Being scared of the risks requires being scared. And that's something I don't feel."
"You've said that before." I recalled when he had told me in the kitchen the day I got into the hot tub.
"I meant it." I said truthfully. "It's something that I can't feel— At least, not in a long time."
"Then what do you feel?" I asked, my eyes still locked on him from the side.
From what I've seen so far it's like there's two different Harrys roaming around.
One of them is the scary one. The one who would take me back to Conner, the one who uses drugs and women to try and feel something. And that Harry is the same one who almost died in the bathroom that night.
But the other one is the Harry who lets me paint his nails, takes me to a concert, takes me to the woods because I love them and puts on an audiobook in the car because he knows I like books.
But this Harry is hard to identify. The one where he's open and tells me little pieces of him could fall into both categories and that thought scares me.
Harrys lips curved up in a smirk, his rings clinging against the glass as he moved his fingers on the bottle. "You'd be surprised."
"Why do you say that?"
"Look, I know what my family has told you, more specifically, what Millie has told you. She sees good in everyone, even when it's not there. So you might as well not listen to her because you'll just be giving yourself false expectations." Harrys eyes met mine as he finished speaking. "Good isn't the only thing a person can feel."
"I don't have any false expectations." I said in full honesty. "Everyone vouches for you and says that you're a good person, and I don't doubt that. I think you are to a certain extent."
"You don't know me well enough to make that assumption." He huffed with a sarcastic laugh.
"I think I know enough."
His eyes were soft when they met mine again. His light green having no anger behind them and his eyes brows not furrowed for once.
The look on his face shocked me.
"Why do you think that?" He asked.
"I know that you care about your family." I was careful not to say love since that would probably upset him. I remember our talk in the kitchen the first night I met Skylar and the subject of love made him upset so I stayed clear of it. "Regardless of how you act, you'd do anything for them. The way that you— all of you, protect each other is something that most people will never get to experience."
His eyes stayed locked on mine, his features still soft as he listened to me speak.
"You protect women. Regardless how many you... go through, you don't physically hurt them. You didn't know me, but you still chose to protect me that night against Conner. I think you would have done that for any woman." I said honestly, my voice staying soft as I spoke to him. "And the night at the party that you helped Millie and I, I think you would have done that for any woman that guy was messing with. He just happened to have made a huge mistake of messing with Millie."
"And you." He added.
"Yeah but Millie's—"
"Millie is Nialls sister, but you're with us now too. None of the guys, not just me, would let anyone do anything to you."
"See, that's what I'm talking about." I raised my brows to him. "You're discrediting yourself again."
"I'm not—"
"You are." I interjected. "We were talking about the things you do, not the things that Niall, Louis or Liam do. You're saying that they wouldn't let anything happen as a way to make yourself seem less important. But that's not going to work."
"What do you mean by that?"
"I mean, over the last few days I'm starting to see a side of you that Millie had told me about."
Harry pulled his eyes away from mine as he blinked a few times. "Like I said, you're giving yourself false expectations."
"If any of the thoughts I had about you were false expectations I don't think you would have brought me to come see the show." I said as softly as I could. "And I don't think think you would have taken me to the sunflower field either."
I know this conversation might be pushing my luck with him, but I've been doing my best to take in every detail of the people I live with as much as I could. Including Harry.
We got to the house Friday night on May 15th. Today is Thursday May 28th, so tomorrow will be two weeks that I've been at the house.
In those two weeks I have made a pretty good portfolio for each person. At least, I think I've done pretty well.
Niall is the one who acts like he doesn't care about anything, but in reality he's the one who holds everyone together. He has a really goofy personality and feeds off of Liams energy when they're together, which only ends up making him more energetic. He cares deeply for each of the people in the house and will do absolutely anything for any one them. He doesn't make big deals out of things but inside I can see that he panics, like he's worried that the smallest thing will make everything in their family crumble.
Millie is a lot like Niall, probably because it's her brother, but she's a lot more secretive about her worries. Like Harry said she sees the good in everyone, and from personal experience I know that she will do anything to make people feel comfortable. She has a darkness in her though... I saw it the night that the guy was harassing both of us and if I'm being honest it kind of scared me.
Thalia is definitely the mom of the group. Oh— fuck. That's probably not an okay thing to think given hers and Harry's mom... But it's the way she acts. She cooks all three meals a day for everyone and doesn't like getting help, she's really independent. She takes breakfast very seriously even though I haven't figured out exactly why that is yet. I also know something bad happened to her but I'm not sure when or what it was, but I do know that it messed her up. I also know that it has something to do with Conner. She let enough slip the first morning I talked to her for me to put that together.
Jade is the one who I've talked to the least, but I really like her. She makes Thalia extremely happy. Her story is insane— the one Millie told me on Jades birthday. I'm still not sure about everything, but something tells me that the fire that killed her family might have not been accidental...
Liam has a great sense of humor so that's another thing that helps him and Niall feed off of each other. He doesn't really have a filter though. He says what's on his mind and doesn't seem to care what anyone else thinks about it. He doesn't stress over things he says, he just says what he's thinking. Personally, I think that's a good quality in a way. He's not afraid to be who he is.
Louis is a mix of Niall and Harry. He has a fun goofy side that you get to see in flashes, but he's also very closed off and stoic. He and Harry don't say much when they're together, it seems both of them have a way of communicating through the world without speaking. He's kind of the old man of the group, he gets cranky when he's woken up too early and prefers to go to bed at a decent hour which is funny to me given the rest of them seem to survive on little to no sleep. But he's also funny and has a keen eye for decoration.
Harry has been the biggest mystery out of everyone. He's the one who is capable of giving you nothing to read off of, even when he's talking to you. He can have a complete conversation without giving even the slightest hint of a facial expression. It's like he's mastered hiding what he's thinking and what he's feeling, like he's spent years of practicing to get to this point. He doesn't want people to know that he cares. He doesn't even want anyone to think that he has emotions. But that's just not true. If he didn't have emotions he wouldn't have taken me to the woods. He wouldn't have brought me to Portland for the show. He wouldn't have left the gun in the glove box that second night that he took me to Josie's. He wouldn't have taken me to the sunflower field and told me more about his mom...
He wouldn't have hugged me.
"I really don't give a fuck about what other people think of me." Harry raised the whiskey to his lips to take a long drink. "You can keep your expectations. You'll be the one regretting them later."
"I don't know why you keep trying to down yourself." My brows furrowed as I spoke.
It's frustrating that he keeps belittling himself.
Harry laughed bitterly, "I don't know why you keep trying to defend me."
"Because you're not the asshole you think you are. I mean— Yeah, you are an asshole... But it's a defense mechanism."
Harry looked at me, his brows furrowed again. "It's not a defense mechanism, Rori. It's who I am. I don't understand why you're trying to tell me differently. Don't you think I would be the one to know?"
I slid my now empty glass away from me as I kept eye contact with him. "Okay, fine. You're right."
I decided it was just better to agree with him than to keep this going any longer. He was starting to close off again and I'm not trying to piss him off. He scares me when he gets like that.
I know I might have over spoke, but spending these last two weeks in the house and getting to know Harry more has given me more insight on the whole situation.
I hear how Millie talks about him and I see the look in his eyes anytime his mom is mentioned. I just wish I knew why he was so shut off all the time.
He's made it insanely clear that he wants people to think he doesn't care how anyone feels about him. And for a while I believed that. I thought he really didn't care. But the last couple of days I've been able to get a bit more of an inside look at him and I'm finding it hard to believe that that's true at all.
I think some part of him does care. And I think some part of him is lonely in a sense.
If he wasn't I don't think he would have befriended Josie in the way he has.
I've recognized that him going to Josie's is a certain type of escape from his house, one that I'm grateful to be able to be a part of since I need my own escape once in a while. I think that's also part of the reason that he's never taken anyone with him to the diner. I think he prefers to be alone there because he doesn't want people to see the side of him that Josie does.
"Want another drink?" His eyes flashed to my empty glass before taking another drink of his whiskey.
I nodded as he put the bottle down, my hand reaching out and taking the whiskey from him. He furrowed his brows again and watched as I raised the bottle to my own lips.
His eyes stayed on me as I put the bottle down again, keeping it in my hand. "Who said you could drink my whiskey?" His brows raised in an almost playful manor, his mood doing a complete flip in a matter of seconds.
I shrugged, "Me."
"Oh really?" He cocked his head to the side. "And what if I'm not okay with that?"
"What are you gonna do about it?" The question rolled off of my tongue before I could stop it, the alcohol mixing with the small amount of weed to make me feel more relaxed.
Despite the previous conversation I was actually in a really good mood. I felt ludic.
His eyebrows raised again with a smirk on his lips, "You sure you wanna find out?"
As he spoke, he slowly started to rise to his feet to stand above me. My eyes flashed wide and I realized that maybe I actually don't want to find out what he was going to do about it.
So, in a rash decision I snatched the whiskeys lid from in front of him, put it in place on the bottle and jumped from the bar stool with the whiskey still in my hand before I took off in a run for the stairs.
I don't know what made me decide to run. Maybe it was the look in his eyes, or maybe it was the part of me that didn't want to find out what he intended to do about it. But either way, I still ran from him.
It wasn't really in fear though, surprisingly. It was more of an, "I'm gonna get out of here" type of thing. I wasn't scared that he was going to hurt me— In fact I haven't had one of those thoughts in a while.
I think my decision to run more so stemmed from the nervousness that I felt from not knowing what he planned to do.
As I ran I could hear as Harrys footsteps followed me. He only took a second to realize that I was now running from him, a snickering laugh coming from him right before the sound of his footsteps began.
I sprinted as fast as I could up the stairs, somehow managing to not stumble and fall. I got to the top, my heart pounding with a smile now spread across my face. As soon as my socked feet hit the flat ground of the second floor I ran as fast as I could towards my open bedroom door. It was only a few feet away so I thought it would be easy.
But as soon as I made it through the threshold I felt an arm wrap around my waist, my body being lifted from the ground as he propelled us in a circle to stop us from moving any further.
I shrieked out a laugh and felt as he lowered me back down to the ground only seconds later. When he pulled back his fingers lightly trailed over the exposed skin of my stomach from where my tank top had risen.
I swallowed, the smile falling slowly from my face as I felt his fingers softly touching my skin. My eyes closed, the alcohol and weed mix making the touch feel heightened.
I wasn't drunk and I wasn't high either, but my body was in the euphoric in between state that left his touch burning hot against my skin.
I parted my lips, a soft pant leaving them as his other hand reached around to gently pry the whiskey bottle from my hand. I let go and he tossed it beside us onto the bed, the glass bouncing a few times from where it landed heavily.
The fingers of his right hand touched the back of my hand, trailing slowly up my bare arm. His fingers were cold against my hot skin, the contrast in temperature and his light touch sending a shiver through my body.
His fingers trailed up to my shoulder where he lightly brushed the hair away, letting it fall down my back. His head ducked down, his hair tickling my cheek as he got closer to me.
His lips brushed lightly against my skin, a soft puff of air leaving them as he spoke to me. "Is this okay?"
My breath wavered as it left my parted lips, my words getting caught in my throat. I could only nod my head as a response.
"I'm going to need you to answer me." Harry said, his voice in a hushed whispered. "Is this okay?"
His other hand crept up my arm and repeated the action, my hair being moved from my shoulder to rest down my back.
I sucked in a deep breath as my heart started to hammer against my chest from his actions. I could feel his chest press against my back as he moved closer to me with his lips still hovering over the skin of my exposed neck.
"Yes." I breathed out in more of a pant than actual words.
But the confirmation was enough for him to finally lean down the fraction of a bit more to attach his lips to my neck. My head rolled to the side as his lips met my skin giving him more access.
His head buried into my neck as he left a kiss against it. His lips were soft, softer than I'd have imagined they were. I could feel a breath against my skin as he exhaled through his nose, my skin peppered in goosebumps.
"Your hearts racing." He stated, his lips still brushing my neck. "Are you nervous?"
I nodded answering breathlessly, "I am."
"Why?" His hand trailed to my exposed skin on the side of my stomach, pressing his fingertips into me to make me turn around.
I swallowed, my eyes moving down to the ground as I turned myself to face him. My shoulder brushed against the hoodie covering his chest as I turned, my own chest only a few inches from his as I fully faced him.
"If you want me to stop, just tell me." His fingers dipped below my chin to raise my head up to look at him.
"It's okay." I said softly with my eyes on his, his fingers still under my chin for me to look at him. "You don't have to stop."
"Do you want me to stop?" He questioned again.
"No." I slightly shook my head, the simple word slipping from my tongue faster than I could process.
"Are you sure?"
I nodded, my heart still beating rapidly. "Do it again."
A smirk grew on his lips before his head ducked down again, his lips attaching themselves to my neck once more. An erratic breath left my lips as I moved my head to the side for him once again.
His fingers gripped into my sides causing me to gasp, his cold touch and rings pressing harshly into my heated skin. His lips parted against me as he started to leave open mouthed kisses from my neck down to my shoulder.
I sucked in a gasping breath as he suddenly bit onto my shoulder, the action taking me by surprise. My hands flew up to grip his hoodie in a desperate need for some sort of hold. Slowly my palms flattened against his chest as he sucked the spot he had bit, his tongue lapsing over my sensitive skin.
My breathing picked up as one of his hands slid to my back and pressed me firmly against his body. My hands moved from his chest up to his hair, my fingers latching onto his soft curls. As his lips continued along my neck he started to move us, his body forcing mine backwards until my back hit the dresser.
A gasp left my lips from the slight impact, his lips never stopping what they were doing against my skin. His free hand slid down my side, his fingers gripping onto the back of my thigh as he raised it up to his waist.
My fingers gripped into his hair, his lips stopping against my neck as a soft groan left them. The sound caused my stomach to knot, an instant need of wanting to hear it again.
"Fuck..." He muttered out, heavy breaths leaving his lips before he was attaching himself to my neck again.
I tugged against his curls once more, the sound coming from him again as he buried his face into my neck hungrily. His teeth nipped at the soft skin causing my back to arch involuntarily as my body tried to get closer to him. His hips subtly grind forward against me causing a pulsating ache in my lower half as I sucked in a ragged breath.
One of my hands slipped down from his hair to the back of his neck in an attempt to hold onto him in anyway that I could. He exhaled heavily through his nose, his breath fanning down my neck making my shiver again.
His hand held my thigh held tightly, his fingertips gripped into my leg to keep it in placed hooked onto his hip. His other hand was now pressed against the dresser I was leaning on, holding his weight up onto it as he stayed pressed against me.
His lips moved their way up my neck stopping just below my ear to attach themselves to my sweet spot. A sigh left my lips as he did causing him to apply more pressure to the spot, which resulted in soft moan of my own left my lips catching me by surprise.
It felt embarrassed I let myself make any noise, my eyes opening and I was just about to push him away, but the sound only seemed to spur him on. A grunt came from him as he continued to work up my neck, his hips shifting against mine again.
His teeth grazed my earlobe, another shiver running through my body. His lips moved to my jaw as his nose pushed my head to the side more to give himself more access. His lips pressed firmly to my jaw before he sucked in a harsh breath through his nose, his own breathing seemingly just as erratic as mine.
He was leaning back into my jaw to press his lips against my skin again when his phone abruptly started ringing.
My eyes snapped open as soon as I heard the sound, his forehead dropping to my shoulder as he mumbled, "Fucks sake."
I could feel his harsh breaths fanning down my chest as he kept his forehead down on my shoulder for a few moments.
When he lifted his head as he let go of my thigh causing my leg to fall back down into place onto the floor. I watched as Harry dug his hand into his front pocket to pull out his phone, the bright screen now being the only light in the room.
I could see him roll his eyes as he read the contact.
"What do you want, Niall?" He held up a finger to me trying to tell me to hold on as he headed towards the door. "No, we're not dead you fucking idiot. Didn't think I had to keep you updated on every aspect of—" His voice cut off as he walked into his own bedroom, the door closing roughly behind him.
I let out a deep sigh, tossing my head back as soon as I knew he wouldn't hear me.
"What the fuck..." I whispered underneath my breath.
I started to feel my anxiety rising as my mind began to whirl over what exactly it was that just happened. My fingers raised to touch the skin of my neck where his lips had been, the sensitive skin hot under my touch.
I can't believe that actually happened.
I quickly pulled my hand away, my head turning to the bed where he had tossed the whiskey. I grabbed his hoodie off of the dresser I was leaning against, pulling it over my head then snatched the whiskey bottle into my hand.
I was started to feel myself panic so in a haste decision I decided to seclude myself.
I turned and walked into the bathroom shutting the door behind me as I did. I stepped past the window, the lights from the city blaring to my left but I didn't stop to look at them. As I reached the bathtub I stepped into it, then turned myself around to face my bedroom door and lowered myself into the tub with my knees drawn up to my chest.
I pulled the hood of the hoodie up and covered the top of my head, then took the top off of the whiskey and set it on the edge of the tub in front of me. I brought the bottle up to my lips and swallowed back a few drinks, a shivering grimace running through my body as I swallowed the last bit of liquid in my mouth.
That's the closest I've physically been with someone willingly since Dylan... I didn't expect to let myself get that close to Harry. Well, honestly I didn't think I'd let anyone get that close to me.
I hate that I feel this way. I hate that after something like that I can't even feel happy or excited about it— I hate that all of that has been taken away from me.
I sunk deeper into the tub, tossing my head back and squeezing my eyes shut. I gulped back a few more drinks and lowered the whiskey bottle down to the bottom of the tub next to me with my eyes still closed.
I don't regret it. I liked it— In fact I really liked it. But even then, I still can't help the immense amount of anxiety I have after the fact. Now that I'm allowing myself to think about it my mind is spinning over Dylan and everything that's happened since him.
"You okay?"
I opened my eyes and tilted my head up to see Harry leaning against the doorframe leading into his room. His arms folded over his chest with his eyes locked on me.
I pulled my eyes away from him and looked down to the white tub, nodding my head. "Yeah, I'm fine."
"You sure?" He questioned. "Most people don't choose to drink whiskey in a tub."
I nodded my head again, "Yeah... I guess this is kind of weird."
"Do you plan on staying there all night?"
I shrugged taking another drink of whiskey. "I don't know, maybe."
I look up hearing his footsteps receding. I sighed, pulling my eyes away from the now empty doorway. I brought the whiskey bottle to my lips again in a sluggish motion. At this point I was going to be beyond drunk soon, but I didn't care anymore. The whiskey was helping me keep my mind clear. Well... clearer.
I was about to put my head back against the tub again but I heard to sound of my bedroom door opening.
"Figured you want this." Harry said, my eye mask in between his fingers.
A smile crept its way onto my lips, my head dipping down. "Thanks."
I heard him as he walked further into the bathroom, my eyes moving up so I could peek at him as he got closer to me. He placed the eye mask on the side of the tub in front of me.
I looked up at him fully, his eyes meeting mine.
"Do you regret it?" He asked me as he stood straight up in front of me.
"What would I regret?"
"What happened in the bedroom, do you regret it?" He pointed his thumb over his shoulder towards my my room. "Is that why..." He trailed off.
I don't regret what happened. And truthfully given the chance I would want to do it again. I wouldn't take it back— though that thought scared me.
More than anything I was just surprised that I let it happen. I didn't expect that I would let my guard down like that with him, but I did and that's what's really shocking to me.
From the second Harry stepped away from me all I have been able to think think about was what I just did. I didn't regret it, I liked doing it. I just felt weird. My body felt weird knowing that someone else had been that close to me.
I don't know how to explain it.
"No, I don't regret it." I shook my head. "Do you?"
"No." He answered, his eyes still looking down at me.
I pursed my lips, looking down to the whiskey bottle beside me. "Cool..."
Well that got awkward fast.
"Do you want some company or do you want me to leave you alone?" He asked.
I looked up to him confused, but shrugged anyway. "Up to you."
"No, it's not up to me. If you want me to leave I will, but if you want me to stay, then I will."
My eyes moved down to the whiskey bottle next to me. I didn't necessarily want to be alone right now, but I'm not sure if I actually wanted company either. I don't know what I'm feeling. My head feels all jumbled and confused.
"You can stay. But only if you want." I murmured.
"Okay, scoot over then." He said as he stepped into the tub with one foot.
I looked up shocked, his brows raising up in the dim light coming from the window. I swallowed as I nodded my head and scooted further into the corner of the tub.
I didn't really think that he'd stay.
He sat diagonal to me, his long legs stretching out underneath my bent ones. He reached his arm out and grabbed the whiskey bottle from beside me to raise it to his own lips.
"So why are you sitting in the bathtub?" He asked lowering the bottle to his lap.
I shrugged, "I don't know."
"You can tell me if you're not okay with what happened. I'm not going to get pissed off. But you have to be honest about it." Harry spoke again.
"I'm fine with it, seriously. If I wasn't I'd tell you." I turned my head to face him, my voice more serious so he knew I wasn't joking. "I just haven't..." I trailed off, my head dropping so my eyes weren't meeting his anymore.
"You haven't what?"
"I haven't done anything like that with anyone since my ex." I said honestly. "The last time anyone got close to me like that was Conner and he was the first one to do it since my ex, so..."
"Is that why you were nervous?"
I kept my eyes down as I nodded. "Yes."
"You don't have to be scared of me, Rori." I lifted my eyes to look at him, the light of the city coming in through the window illuminating one side of his face. "I wouldn't make you don't anything you don't want to do."
I nodded again, "I know."
"We won't do anything else." He stated. "Not until you tell me you're ready."
"I didn't say I wasn't ready." I tried to defend myself but he wasn't having it.
"If there wasn't a part of you that was having a regret or a worry, I wouldn't have found you in the bathtub." He said calmly. "It's fine. I'm not gonna get butthurt because you don't want to fuck around with me."
I squinted my eyes at him, "Don't say it like that. I said I was fine with it."
"Well if you're so fine with it, you can initiate it next time." He shrugged before taking another drink from the bottle.
"Fine." I shrugged. "I will."
"Mhm..." He mumbled.
"What, you don't think I'm capable of initiating something like that?" I questioned, my eyes narrowing at him.
"Maybe." He shrugged. "But you're pretty fucking shy. I don't know if you can."
I looked away from him in defeat, "You're probably right."
I heard Harry laugh, my head moving to look at him again. His eyes were scrunched closed with a smile on his lips, a real one. His lips were drawn up in a toothy grin with his prominent dimples on either side of his cheeks.
My smile widened as I watched him, his white teeth perfectly straight in the dim lights coming from the window.
Harrys eyes opened, the smile falling from his face as his laughs faltered. His eyes moved away from mine and he brought the whiskey to his lips again, his face changing once he knew I had seen him smiling.
"You have a nice smile." I complimented before thinking about it. "Uh– Sorry, that was kind of weird."
I'm drunk. Sober me wouldn't have said that.
"It's fine." He said nonchalantly.
I peaked back up at him, "It's true though, you should smile more."
"Nah, my teeth are funny." He said, his head moving to the side so that he could look out of the window.
"No they're not, they're perfectly straight." I said, my head cocking to the side as I watched him.
"I had braces." He shrugged, "But my front teeth are longer than the others."
"So?"
"So, they're funny."
"Well I like your smile. I don't think there's anything wrong with your teeth." I hugged my arms around my legs offering him a smile.
Harry rolled his eyes, another small smile on his lips. "Thanks."
//
an:
surprise!! welcome to portland lol
see you friday!!