A/N: This is a trigger warning! This is a trigger warning! I repeat, this is a trigger warning! This story is about a [mentally] abusive relationship between reader and Hanamiya. There are also mentions of abuse, assult, and suic*de. So yeah, I'm reluctant to spoil you all but I thought that you would appreciate a trigger warning.
A little guide while reading~ Words in center alignment are lyrics of the song “Before You Go” by Lewis Capaldi. Italicized words are flashbacks of Hanamiya’s memory of the past while normal words are the present situation or Hanamiya narrating what happened to reader in the past. I hope you guys won't be confused while reading :3
-=-
People always say that you will never learn how to treasure someone until you completely lost them. Before, Hanamiya Makoto thought of this saying as completely ridiculous. If something or someone can be lost so easily, why bother getting them back? That was just so troublesome.
Obtaining something even if it means using underhanded tactics to gain it is something Hanamiya Makoto got used to doing. He never regarded other people’s words that something so easily gain is also easily lost— because... please read the previous paragraph once more.
Hanamiya never cared what other people thought of him. He never cared about other people’s hate towards him, he was even delighted to see their distorted faces once he started taunting them. He never cared whether his actions would hurt other people, physically or otherwise. The only thing he ever cared about was winning.
Yes, even after meeting [Last Name] [First Name], he only ever cared about winning her heart. Hanamiya used all methods he could think about, soft persuasion and hard coercion, to get this woman that caught his interest. Hanamiya likes bullying her because she never seemed to be affected by his hurtful words or actions. That's why overtime, Hanamiya gets increasingly overboard.
But [First Name] remained indifferent. Since coercion is impossible, Hanamiya changed his tactics. He started pursuing [First Name] properly, investing considerable amount of effort and time into winning her heart.
He started waiting for her at the school gate and walk with her towards their classroom. Whenever they have homework, he took the initiative to do it with her during self-study. During lunch he would follow her to the cafeteria and eat together with her. He would sometimes tell her stories about the basketball team that would gain a smile or a laugh from her.
When other people say bad things about her whether it was behind her back or for her to hear, he would outrightly defend her and threaten those people not to bully her anymore. Hanamiya Makoto let [Last Name] [First Name] feel what it was like to be protected and defended from other people. He let her feel how it was like to be safe and full of security.
Even his teammates thought he was being possessed by something. Even that evil senpai of his, Imayoshi-senpai, was surprised to how far he would go just to woo someone.
And after almost six months, he finally gained [First Name]’s yes. For some reason, Hanamiya was very happy with this accomplishment that he got through his own hardwork. He reasoned that maybe he felt happy because he finally pried open this hard shell that was hard to crack, [First Name]. He never thought even once about the possibility of him actually falling in love with [First Name]. After all, for Hanamiya, this is just a play; an interest he puts his investments into just to have fun and relieve his boredom.
Of course after gaining [First Name]’s yes, Hanamiya reverted back to his old ways. During the first three months after they got together, no matter how overboard he went from teasing [First Name], just like during the times he bullied her before, [First Name] disregarded it and never broke up with him. This is until the fourth month after they got together, when Hanamiya promised [First Name] that they would spend time together during their fourth monthsary, but Hanamiya forgot about it— that [First Name] started to nit-pick his attitude towards their relationship.
[First Name] complained to Hanamiya about his attitude towards her, that he doesn't seem to treat her as his girlfriend at all. The next week, she complained about Hanamiya not having time to even answer a phone call from her, as if after she agreed to be his girlfriend, he achieved his goal and left her aside to one corner. Over the next few months, it was always [First Name] taking the initiative to maintain their relationship, while Hanamiya just went and do whatever he wanted. The most outrageous thing about it is that Hanamiya never really cared about [First Name]. He never asked about [First Name]’s circumstances, so he never know that she was on the verge of collapsing.
-=-
I fell by the wayside, like everyone else
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you
But I was just kidding myself
Our every moment, I start to replace
'Cause now that they're gone
All I hear are the words that I needed to say
-=-
Hanamiya took a deep breath as he looked at [First Name]’s grave. For the first time in his life, he felt deep regret. But accompanied by the regret are intense hate for this woman who had already departed from this world but continued to occupy every space in his heart. His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed his saliva. He felt his heart being suffocated, as if there are invisible hands tightly gripping on it, as if someone was beating his chest fiercely, throwing everything he had ever done to [First Name] back into his mind, wanting him to drown in the memories of his scummy and outrageous actions.
“I know that what I did to you before is worse than what they are doing, but I promise, [First Name], that will never happen again. As long as I am here, you will definitely be safe.”
Hanamiya remembered himself saying that to [First Name] when he found out how happy she looks when he defended her in front of those people who's saying bad things about her. And just right according to his thoughts, [First Name] hugged him tightly before flashing him a very grateful smile. Hanamiya can remember himself smiling at that time, but not because he was happy to see the woman he likes smiling at him, but because he found out the right way to make [First Name] lower his guard against him.
The Hanamiya right now miserably wished that the reason for his smile back then was because he was happy seeing [First Name] smile. He combed through his memories to see if there was even one among them where he acted truly genuine towards [First Name], where the reason behind his actions, for once, was not because he had ulterior motives. He tried remembering back and forth, but to his despair, not even once did he do an action for [First Name]’s sake. All of his actions towards her was backed by his malicious intentions and selfish desires.
It was only then that Hanamiya’s eyes started to redden, tears threatening to fall from his eyes as his thick eyebrows scrunched up in pain. He looked intently at [First Name]’s grave, and with a hoarse voice, he said in a pleading tone: “[First Name], I'm sorry.”
-=-
When you hurt under the surface
Like troubled water running cold
Well, time can heal, but this won't
-=-
Hanamiya remembered that [First Name]’s faithful best friend, [Best Friend’s Name], came to him once to pick a fight with him because he made [First Name] breakdown and cry. Much to the current Hanamiya’s anger, he remembered himself telling [Best Friend’s Name] that he didn't do anything wrong and it was [First Name] acting like a b*tch, fighting with him because he talked to another woman.
“Hanamiya! What did you do to [First Name]?! How can a big man like you make your girlfriend cry?!” [Best Friend’s Name] shouted at Hanamiya while she pointed her index finger at him.
Hanamiya narrowed his eyes while looking at the index finger that was being pointed at his direction. He then looked at the fuming woman who was confronting him, before letting out a sneer.
“I was just talking to a classmate before [First Name] suddenly went to us and started accusing me of flirting with that woman. She's being totally unreasonable, I only told her not to be so controlling and she started crying because of that? How ridiculous.”
In truth, that woman was indeed talking to Hanamiya with hidden intentions. And Hanamiya, this jerk, went along with that woman because he finds it amusing. Once he remembered this, he had the urge to punch his face. He'd never actually known the reason why [First Name] reacted strongly about the matter back then, but when he found out, he hated his past self more and more.
People say that wounds heal in time, but the wounds inflicted to [First Name]’s heart cut deeper than the last and has always been bleeding. And when Hanamiya Makoto entered her life, his entire person aggravated those wounds and made them more hideous— which results to the worst possible outcome; [First Name] finally took her own life. And this fault was placed in Hanamiya’s head. He is the criminal who leads to [First Name]’s death. It may not entirely be his fault, but he is the catalyst that leads to this result. And this result became a deep gushing wound in Hanamiya’s heart, never to heal no matter how much time passed.
-=-
So, before you go
Was there something I could've said
To make your heart beat better?
If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather
So, before you go
Was there something I could've said
To make it all stop hurting?
It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless
So, before you go
-=-
It was only after [First Name] died that Hanamiya found out from [Best Friend’s Name] about the reason why [First Name] brokedown due to his actions. This is because her parents where once very loving, and her father was once just as affectionate as Hanamiya towards her, as her father was towards her mother. [First Name] longed for that kind of life that makes one feel safe and secured.
However, this changed when her father met her stepmother. That stepmother of hers was her mother’s cousin whom her mother was very close to. And yet, it was also that cousin who stole her father from her mother. She witnessed how sweet her father acted towards her stepmother, and how cold he acted towards her mother. Overtime her mother couldn't take it anymore and left. Her mother wanted to bring [First Name] with her but her father beat her mother up that [Mother’s Name] had no choice but to leave first.
[Best Friend’s Name] told Hanamiya that [Mother’s Name] promised to come back for [First Name] but was always obstructed by [First Name]’s stepmother. That was the reason why [First Name] dislikes people like her stepmother, and why she lacks security when it comes to relationship. Although her mother's experience and her relationship with Hanamiya is different, [First Name] still couldn't help but be filled with trepidation.
Although Hanamiya bullied her before, but he is also the first guy who gave her security and made her feel safe. She doesn't want to lose him. That's why, no matter how outrageous he acted, as long as Hanamiya doesn't propose to break-up with her, she let him do as he pleased. It's just that, as time passes by, her heart grew more and more weary, and she couldn't help revealing her fears and grievance to him sometimes– hoping he could give that security he had once made her feel before they got together.
As Hanamiya remembered this, his tears started gushing forth from his eyes, he couldn't help but crouch down in front of [First Name]’s grave from the standing position he was in before. He hated how he couldn't be there when [First Name] needed him the most. Wait, that's not right. He was there. He had always been there. But what he did is not ease [First Name]’s pain and worries, but add to it.
“Why are you so clingy and overly possessive as if I would runaway the moment you took your eyes off me? Don't you know that your behavior is annoying?! Stop being insecure or I'll straight up break up with you!” Hanamiya shouted at [First Name] in anger. He couldn't even remember how many times [First Name] prevented him from interacting with other women. He was being more and more suffocated towards this kind of behavior. The only reason he isn't breaking up with her is that she would always be there to entertain him whenever he was bored.
Who are you kidding? He took great pains and effort to win her heart, why would he discard his beloved toy when he can still play with it?
“I-I’m sorry, Mako-chan. I just feel like this woman definitely likes you and wants to steal you away from me so I couldn't help it. Don't break up with me, okay?” [First Name]’s voice cracked as she persuaded him with an almost begging tone. Only then did Hanamiya’s face eased up. He agreed to her and coax her half-heartedly.
Hanamiya’s tears continued streaming down his face as his eyes were bloodshot. He knelt down [First Name]’s grave, caressing [First Name]’s picture gently with his trembling hands. [First Name] in the picture had a sunshine smile, her expression dazzling, and one look at her would make you feel like your day had been blessed. Her [hair color] hair rested perfectly behind her like the finest string of silks, as soft as her entire person. She looked as if she doesn't have any worries, contrary to her appearance when she left this world.
“[First Name], I know I was wrong. I don't have any rights to ask for your forgiveness. But I really regret it. I regretted everything, [First Name]. I wished I hadn't added blows after blows of hurtful words to the wounds in your heart. I wished I could've said something that could at least make your wounds stop bleeding.” Just like a lost child trying to beg for their parents to quickly come to collect them, Hanamiya kneeled, cried, and begged in front of [First Name]’s grave.
“[First Name]... the pain I'm experiencing right now is surely not even a tenth of the pain I inflicted on you. If experiencing this pain can make up for my regrets, I'll gladly cut my wounds over and over and let it bleed.” Hanamiya closed his eyes.
-=-
Was never the right time, whenever you called
Went little, by little, by little until there was nothing at all
Our every moment, I start to replay
But all I can think about is seeing that look on your face
-=-
“Mako-chan, where are you? Can you please walk me home? Just until the intersection–”
“Sorry, [First Name]. I'm busy right now. I'll walk you home tomorrow, okay? But don't bother me right now.”
[First Name] called Hanamiya because she's afraid of going home only to be beaten up by her stepmother and father. She wanted to walk home with Hanamiya to ease her frightened nerves and to give her courage to get through another day of abuse.
.....
“Hello? Mako-chan, are you busy? Can you please come and pick me up? I ran away from home, please, Mako-chan.”
“[First Name], it's already 8:30 in the evening right now. What are you thinking, running away from home at this hour?! Go back home and let's talk tomorrow, okay? Go.”
[First Name] ran away from home after knocking her father unconscious because her father almost took advantage of her. She was afraid her stepmother will find out about it and beat her up again so she called her boyfriend to seek protection. After all, Hanamiya once promised her that as long as Hanamiya is there with her, he will definitely keep [First Name] safe.
.....
“Mako-chan, are you free today?”
“No, [First Name]. Whatever it is, it can wait. Right now, I need to have a meeting with the team with regards to the strategies that we will do for the game next week. Don't bother me.”
[First Name] asked Hanamiya in hopes that he will accompany her to the hospital to get a physical check-up and collect evidence of her father and stepmother’s abuse. She wanted Hanamiya’s comfort, she wanted him to worry about her for once, to care about her, and to get through with her in the toughest time of her life.
.....
“M-Mako-chan... I need you... please...” [First Name]’s sobs can be heard through the phone.
“What is it, [First Name]? Why are you crying? Can you call that [Best Friend’s Name] instead? I'm busy right now.”
This is the last time [First Name] ever called Hanamiya whenever she needed him. This is the time when [First Name] especially need Hanamiya’s presence, Hanamiya’s comfort, and Hanamiya’s assurance. Because this is the time when [First Name] was assulted by her biological father. And when her stepmother found out, her stepmother beat [First Name] up and told their neighbors that she seduced her own father.
[First Name]’s haggard appearance appeared on Hanamiya’s memory. That look on her pale face as if there's no reason to live anymore, and her dead, soulless eyes that stared straight into Hanamiya.
-=-
When you hurt under the surface
Like troubled water running cold
Well, time can heal, but this won't
-=-
Hanamiya also remembered that for once he asked [First Name] what was going on and what was wrong with her. He also remembered how [First Name]’s expression finally changed into her usual indifferent face as she answered him that nothing was wrong. Of course, Hanamiya, this jerk, threw that encounter at the back of his mind.
He treated [First Name] like how he treated his toys, only bothering with them once he's bored. He treated her like he treated his enemies on basketball, taking their well-being and emotions for granted. Hanamiya only realized that he had never treated [First Name] properly before. Those times where he treated her sweetly when he was chasing after her doesn't count, because it was done with evil intentions.
-=-
So, before you go
Was there something I could've said
To make your heart beat better?
If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather
So, before you go
Was there something I could've said
To make it all stop hurting?
It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless
So, before you go
-=-
The happenings above were told to Hanamiya by [First Name] through the suic*de note she wrote especially for him. She wrote a very long letter confessing the things she couldn't say to Hanamiya when she was still alive. She told her that she's afraid of him finding out about what happened to her, and she's afraid that he would abhor her, that he would hate her, and that he would be disgusted by her.
[First Name] wanted Hanamiya’s sweetness, she wanted his security, comfort and protection, and most of all, she wanted his presence. However, she was filled with fear and anxiety once she thought about what Hanamiya would do once he found out about what happened to her. She was afraid of Hanamiya’s reaction, of his possible rejection, and the possibility that he would act like she's a plague that needed to be avoided once he found out.
And so, she could only tell him all of her past situations after she left this world. She could only tell him how much she craves to be comforted. How much she wanted to hear him say that, no matter what happens, he won't leave. That he would always be beside her, protecting her, making her feel safe.
Except, it was only a delusion on her part.
-=-
Would we be better off by now
If I'd let my walls come down?
Maybe I guess we'll never know
You know, you know
Before you go
Was there something I could've said
To make your heart beat better?
If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather
So, before you go
Was there something I could've said
To make it all stop hurting?
It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless
So, before you go
-=-
When Hanamiya found [First Name]’s body hanging on the ceiling of her room, during the first time he gained a conscience and visited her, that pale face devoid of life, with eyebrows scrunched in pain, eyes tightly closed, lips in a purple hue, and the bloody tears that had dried in her cheeks; that visual was akin to a knife suddenly inserted in the depths of his heart.
He felt confused, fear, worry, and a deep regret he never felt before. He was confused to why [First Name] chose to end her life. He was worried that he might've missed some foreshadowing that leads to this result. He was afraid of the visuals of [First Name]’s dead look. And he regretted he didn't arrive much faster to prevent her.
He called the police and an ambulance, because he doesn't know which one is the right one to call for this kind of situation. He didn't dare to remove her even if he very much wanted to. He found out her suic*de note on her bedside table, and every word written there was like another knife being inserted in his heart. He rummaged through [First Name]’s drawers and indeed saw a check-up report which stated that [First Name] indeed received multiple injuries and even internal bleeding.
He gave that report and even the suic*de note to the police as an evidence against [First Name]’s father and stepmother. During [First Name]’s funeral, Hanamiya saw [First Name]’s mother for the first time. Due to his guilt, he didn't dare talk to her. And now, it's been more than two months since [First Name] died.
Hanamiya opened his eyes once more, his lips curved into a regretful smile, his cheeks wet with tears, his eyes red from crying, his voice cracking: “[First Name]... I never got the chance to tell you this. But you know, [First Name]... I love you. I love you so much. Sometimes I wonder, if I treat you right and offer you help to the best of my abilities, if I only ever did my responsibility as your boyfriend... would we be, would you be... alive right now? Would you be okay right now? Would you be happy with me? Would we be happy together?”
Hanamiya sniffed, coughing once as he continued: “Of course, we will never know about that. After all... I couldn't possibly bring you back to life. And even if I could... you– you would probably blame me instead, right?”
Wiping his tears as he buried his wet face on a face towel that was gifted to him by [First Name], he stood up from his kneeling position, dusted off the part where he was kneeling earlier and also dusted off the dirt from his pants, he tried to flash his most genuine smile in front of [First Name]’s sunny picture on her grave.
“I’m sorry that I suddenly intruded into your life, [First Name]. The thing I regretted the most is pestering you. I don't know if my person helped you or if I made you feel more pain. I don't know if you're happy meeting me or if you would be more happy if a jerk named Hanamiya Makoto left you alone from the start. I only realized when I lost you how much I love you, [First Name].”
Taking a deep breath, Hanamiya said, “Well, I'll be leaving for now, [First Name]. I'll come back tomorrow.”
-=-
Author’s end notes: Finally done~ Please don't send knives on Hana-chan, okay? I mean, I made him such a scummy jerk here, I know. I also wanted to send a knife his way– but let's all be civil, okay? I hope this oneshot hurt you as much as it hurts me, lol. Let's suffer together. Thank you all for reading!
I didn't proofread this so there's bound to be errors, please tell me if you noticed an error, thanks~
Please, be safe and well~ If you're suffering from depression, abuse, and such situations, please tell the authorities or call a dedicated hotline for this, okay? I pray that your suffering will end, immediately! Right now! So please don't give up and keep on living.