Song:
Heroin (Lana Del Rey)
"I hope that I come back one day. To tell you that I really changed."
T.W.: Talks or miscarriage and alcoholism.
DECEMBER 1975
Grimmauld Place wasn't exactly the first place that would come to mind when someone organized a Christmas get-together, but admittedly, that was the case.
The year was 1975, and as everyone expected, it brought bad and good news.
The bad news were that the Order of the Phoenix was officially back together, due to Voldemort's rising back in power. While the matter of whether it was actually him or not was debatable according to the ministry of magic, those few who knew better could already smell a new war in the distance.
The good news were that at least the food was tasty.
"Madame Lupin!" Fred Weasley announced, stepping inside the kitchen. His eyes fell on the oven working, a delighted hum escaping his lips. "Are you making us cookies?"
Callisto didn't look up from the mint leaves she was chopping up.
"No, they're lizard tails." She informed him. "I'm dehydrating them."
Fred's smile fell, yet Remus' laughter echoed in the room as he observed the interaction.
"You fell straight into that, Fred." He commented, shaking his head.
"I guess..." Fred murmured, avoiding to look at the oven. "Mom said to tell you that the attic needs some cleaning."
"We cleaned it yesterday."
"No, not that one." Fred laughed. "The huge one that we pretended didn't exist so that we wouldn't have to clean it."
"Ah, I see." Callisto nodded. "We'll take care of it."
Fred nodded, tipping off his imaginary hat before he left the kitchen. Remus closed the door right after he left, before he casually walked up to Callisto, hugging her from behind.
"Hello there." She murmured, as Remus bent down slightly to kiss her neck. With everyone in the house, Remus had barely managed to get some much-needed time alone with his witch.
The fact that he could hear the smile in her voice, only encouraged him further.
"Have I ever told you you're fucking irresistible?"
"Hm..." She pretended to think. "Yes, but you could always show me-"
Her words were cut off by a soft moan as he gently hit the sweet spot of her neck, his grip on her waist tightening to bring her closer against him.
Callisto gentle pressed her ass against him, smirking at the shaken breath he let out, before she tilted her neck to catch his lips in a kiss.
The kiss was heated from the start, with the way Callisto's fingers threaded through Remus' hair, tugging at the roots, and how Remus' hands touched and squeezed her body before they rested on her ass.
Before she knew it, her back had made contact with the counter. The sweater she was wearing had been abandoned next to them and his lips had started to trail lower down her collarbones, reaching her chest.
"Jump."
Callisto did exactly what he said, wrapping her legs around his torso as he propped her body up on the counter. Her fingers hastily unbuttoned his shirt as he kissed her roughly.
"I love you so fucking much." Remus groaned into the kiss, his features relaxing when Callisto palmed him through his trousers.
The kitchen door opened abruptly, Remus suddenly jerking away from her and almost knocking Callisto off the counter.
"Why is this still happening to me?"
He got in front of her as she put her sweater back on, Sirius standing in front of the kitchen door with a miserable expression on his face.
"Because you never fucking knock." Callisto grumpily mumbled, staying right where she was on the counter. "You didn't knock 15 years ago, and you didn't knock now."
Sirius gasped, outraged, "It was my dorm-"
"After a party!" Callisto countered, pointing at Remus. He was looking at Sirius with a completely fed up expression, one arm wrapped around Callisto's waist.
"How is it possible that you two go at it like bunnies so many years after you first got together?"
"He's hot." Callisto shrugged, smirking at Remus. "And he's great at-"
"I'm not listening to this!" Sirius warned. "I don't want to know what Remus is great at."
"Boring." Callisto hummed, shaking her head disapprovingly.
"Well, is there a reason you interrupted us?"
"This is my kitchen?" Sirius blurted out, stunned by Remus' tone. "You were about to fuck in my property?!"
"Okay, and?"
"Nothing, I just- it's improper."
"Yes, that's the whole point." Callisto deadpanned. "Answer the question, Sirius!"
"Right... Well, the kids asked me to go hide the presents, and I don't know where to tell them." He lowered his voice, gesturing to the closed door. "Harry, Hermione and Ron are right outside, with a bunch of gifts each."
Remus blushed a violent shade of pink, clearing his throat before he spoke up.
"Right-right outside?"
As if on cue, three heads peaked out from the door. Ron was smirking, Hermione seemed thoroughly embarrassed, and Harry was just smiling.
Callisto sighed, "Perhaps you should have led with that."
"So... Do you know any places?" Ron asked, his smirk only growing wider as the couple and Sirius approached them.
"Preferably one you haven't fucked in." Sirius murmured under his breath, receiving a swift smack to the back of the head as Callisto heard him.
She turned to the three teenagers, nodding.
"I have an idea."
~ ~ ~
"Merlin, it fucking stinks in here..."
"Language, Ron!"
"Pardon me, Lady Hermione Granger." Ron mocked. "Golly, there's a stench in this luxurious corridor!"
Hermione simply rolled her eyes, murmuring something under her breath before she walked away from Ron's side and joined Callisto. She was sitting right next to Remus, who was holding a large stack of keys, trying all of them one by one on the door.
"Did you use an unlocking spell, Prof-I mean, Remus?"
"Yes."
"Did it work?" Callisto mockingly asked Remus, letting out a dramatic sigh as she let her head rest on the wall. Remus tried yet another key, only for the door to remain closed. The woman's eyes trailed to the stack of keys, and she gently banged her head against the wall when she saw there were at least two more dozens of them.
"This is taking forever!" Sirius complained from the back. "And the attic fucking stinks!"
Ron gasped in outrage when Hermione didn't react.
"When the ex-convict says 'fuck', it's fine and a cool, but when I do, I'm improper and annoying!" He announced. "Are you picking favourites 'Mione?"
"Go shove a chess piece up your fucking arse, you ginger meatball!" Hermione snapped, her eyes narrowed into thin slits at Ron's insinuation of her picking favourites with Sirius.
Ron simply stared like an idiot while Harry burst into laughter, relishing in the glee of being the favourite of both friends.
Another key was deemed useless, Callisto's patience running short. Merlin, this was taking forever, and it did in fact, fucking stink.
No wonder you pretended this place didn't exist...
"37th time is the lucky charm." Remus joked, only being met with various groans.
"Step aside." Callisto finally said, gently pushing Remus to the side. Before he could react, she had aimed her wand at the lock, the door bursting open with a loud bang.
"Blondie, this is my property!"
That definitely didn't seem to bother Callisto all that much.
The group entered the attic the same way they would any sort of foreign territory. Callisto was stuck by Remus, who seemed to be the most relaxed out of all, as she looked at the objects around them. It seemed like while both muggle and wizarding attics stored junk, the similarities ended there. Here, there were no boxes filled with baby objects or old and unwanted gifts. There were no random ladders, old and wrecked machines or random things that had just been a victim of hoarding.
Instead, there were old broomsticks, objects Callisto assumed to be cursed, and funnily enough, a notable collection of things that looked like they would belong to Sirius.
"Oh, look." Sirius humoured, gesturing at the wall. "A family picture!"
A family picture, stuck on the wall due to a knife being driven through Sirius' face.
"We can put the gifts here." Callisto said absentmindedly, approaching an old, dingy closet. Two of the drawers had been removed, but the doors seemed intact. "It doesn't have a lock."
Remus frowned, looking at the closet suspiciously.
There was something off about it...
Time seemed to slowed down for him as he rushed over to Callisto, pushing her away. He was a moment too late though, because Callisto had already managed to push down on the handle, the doors of the closet bursting open as if a strong gust of wind blew behind them.
"Eh... Sirius..." Harry murmured, panic filling him as black fog started to fall into the room. Their only exit disappeared as the fog took over every single inch of the large, clattered room, a chilliness replacing the warmth of the blood running through their veins.
And then everything stilled. From the fog that seemed to swirl in thick waves around them, to their breathing, for a moment, they didn't exist.
The darkness shattered like a veil, only for them to be transported into a small room.
Callisto stood a few steps behind Remus, her eyes wide as she recognized the young boy sitting on the bed. He couldn't be more than five years old, a lamp in the shape of a tree lit up next to the bed. His dark brown eyes were slightly sleepy as he mindlessly skimmed through the drawing book in his lap.
The bedroom door opened, and the boy immediately shoved the book under the covers, pretending to be asleep.
A woman came inside, standing by the door for a few moments, before she spoke up.
"Remmy, you know I can tell you're awake, right?"
The boy opened his eyes, letting out a laugh. Callisto's expression softened when she looked outside the open window. The moon was full, but Remus was still human. It was before he had been bitten, when he was still a normal boy.
"It's a Metus." Remus murmured, his voice coming out shaken.
"Goodnight, mommy."
"Goodnight, my boy." The woman smiled, before she exited the room, closing the door behind her. Remus reached to switch off the lamp, yet his fingers lingered over the switch for a moment too long.
And then everything clicked in Callisto's mind. She hadn't forgotten the first time she went up against a Metus, or what her memory was. The creature fed on the emotions created by the victim's worst, most painful memories.
Remus was now its victim, and the creature had chosen the last full moon Remus would ever get to see through his childish eyes.
"Little Lupin..." A voice changed, seemingly coming from everywhere and anywhere at all.
"What the hell is going on, Remus?" Ron asked, fear evident in his voice. Sirius had stepped protectively in front of them, keeping them a few steps away from Remus and Callisto.
The boy clutched on his sheets tightly, his eyes wide with horror. His voice was stuck in his throat, unable to come out as a scream or a call for help. His feet were rooted on the mattress, making it impossible for him to run away.
"Little Lupin, why didn't you check under your bed?"
Callisto looked at Remus. Her Remus, not the boy in the memory. He looked so small now, so terribly horrified in front of the faceless creature. The only good thing about the attack was how he could remember only bits and pieces. Now, the luxury of simply not recalling would be lost.
Remus would be forced to face that memory every time he closed his eyes now.
Tears ran down the boy's face as the curtains blew open with the wind, the light of the full moon shining a pair of golden eyes.
Callisto knew she wasn't brave, but when it came to Remus, she had no self preservation. She would jump in front of any creature or curse to protect him without a second thought. And while she didn't trust herself with what she was about to do, she stepped in front of him.
The image stilled, fog fell all over them again.
"Callisto, what the hell are you doing?"
"We're not watching this." She simply said, looking at the fog swirling around them. "We can't leave until someone goes through with this, and it won't be Remus."
"Callisto-"
"No, Sirius!" She urgently said. "Who else could it be, huh? Certainly not you, you spent 12 years in Azkaban. I'm not making you do this. And it will be over my fucking dead body that we're making these kids go through whatever it is they've been through again."
Harry looked as the fog around them swirled quicker, as if the creature was picking from an entire buffet for the best meal.
"I can go." He said. "I can go for you. Just tell me what I need to do, and I will-"
"Harry, you're a child." She seethed. "You're a child, do you know what this means?"
He didn't have time to reply, because the fog stilled yet again.
She wished she'd never have to live this pain again, but pain was something the universe didn't shy away from giving her. She thought that this type of hurt was something she would never manage to forget, but time had dulled away even that feeling.
So, when she saw herself, lying on the bathroom floor with her back against the wall and her legs brought closer to herself, blood seeping through the trousers she was wearing, what had felt like the puncture of a pin, did not feel like what it truly was.
The stab of a knife.
She had only been 21 at the time. She could easily tell, it felt as if this would be obvious to everyone. Callisto was willing to bet they all looked like that when they were 21. Or at least, those that managed to fully experience that age did.
The amount of blood around her had been hazy at that time, but now she could see just how much of it there was. What she hadn't been able to block away as she cried was the pain. That horrible, stabbing pain that managed to hit both her heart and her lower stomach all at once.
She stood up through the pain, taking her wand from where she had abandoned it on the sink. She watched herself cast a cleaning spell all over the floor, the blood disappearing from the white tiles of the bathroom.
The walk to the living room was nothing short of torturous, but she made it to the telephone. She dialled a number, not really knowing what she was about to say to them.
Her grip around her wand tightened, because now she knew what she was going to say when the receptionist working at the muggle hospital picked up the phone.
"Middlesex Hospital, how may I be of assistance?" The woman's voice seemed to echo in the room, as Callisto forced her breathing to calm down.
Her fingers tightened around the phone, before she spoke.
"I- it's my baby." Her voice shook as she spoke. "I lost my baby."
"EXPECTO PATRONUM!"
Silver wisps filled the room, breaking the darkness created by the fog. Soon enough, a wolf was prancing around the room, the coldness being replaced by warmth. Yet, Callisto could feel none of it. She stayed rooted in her position, refusing to look anywhere but the turmoil of colours spinning in front of her.
She didn't dare to think of how Remus was looking at her at that moment.
She didn't even want to turn around and see for herself, the expressions on Harry's and Sirius' faces.
Callisto left the room even before the happy memory played out. She didn't want to wait for the euphoric feeling of the coldness being cast out from her veins as she relived a happy moment. With a quick wave of her wand, the creature was cast back into the closet, and she ran out of the room.
~ ~ ~
"Padfoot, what do I say to her?"
"I don't know, but you definitely say something." Sirius advised, checking his watch. "It's been two hours since it happened, you've given her all the time she needs to calm down. Now, go and talk to her."
"I don't know what to fucking say to her!" Remus snapped, his face buried in his hands. How could he know what he needed to say, when he couldn't even figure out what to feel? Why hadn't she told him? Why hadn't she fucking told him this has happened to her, to them?
The answer lingered in his mind, yet he ignored it.
"Nothing you could say would be worse than not talking to her. Think about how she feels, Remus! She probably thinks you fucking hate her right now, and that's why you're not with her!"
"I just-" Remus inhaled deeply. "She never told me anything. I didn't know that she-"
"Remus John Lupin, get up and go find her, or I swear to God, I'm going to skin you alive!" Sirius threatened, opening the door of his room. "So, you either get your shit together, or I go to Azkaban again, this time for something I did do."
Remus hesitated, but he finally stood up, heading out of the room. He slowed his steps, going up the staircase to the floor their room was in, whilst taking as much time to think as he could.
Yet, he still had no idea what to say as he stood in front of her closed door.
He took a breath, the cold air entering his lungs giving him the courage to raise his hand and knock on the door. He couldn't take it back now, the knock was loud enough that she had definitely heard it.
He felt tempted to run away from his problems until the door opened. Upon seeing her bloodshot eyes and the smudged mascara around them, that thought was completely dismissed.
"Can I...?" He murmured, hoping she'd understand exactly what he meant. He just wanted to hug her, to comfort her, but he didn't know whether it was what she needed.
"Do you even want to?"
"Listo, what is this even supposed to mean?" He questioned, entering the room and closing the door shut. He allowed his voice to rise ever so slightly from the whisper it was, taking advantage of the privacy.
"It means that I can't tell if you're ashamed of me or not."
"Ashamed?" Remus blurted out, unable to hide the shock in his voice. "Why would I ever be ashamed of you? Listo, I-I just don't understand why you never told me. I mean, did I make you feel as if you couldn't tell me?"
Callisto didn't reply.
"Did I make you feel like I'd blame you for what happened? I wouldn't, my love. I would never-"
"I didn't tell you because you couldn't hear it." Callisto stated. "This happened in 1982, Remus. Do you know what you were doing in 1982?"
Silence.
"You were drinking, that's what you were doing. You were leaving the house at those ungodly hours, and you came back beaten up and reeking of fucking alcohol. And I don't blame you, because I know you didn't want any of that to happen, but fuck, Remus, I'm human! And if you want me to be honest right now, then yes, I didn't tell you because you made me feel that way. You couldn't deal with your pain, so how could you cope with mine?"
Remus was left speechless. They had talked about that time of their lives plenty of times. He thought they weren't ones to sweep it under the rag and pretend it never happened. And he had apologised until he had no other ways to do it, but she had always told him the same thing.
"I forgive you."
That didn't mean that it was all fine. Now, he could see exactly why.
"Listo, I-"
"I didn't want to hurt you more." She murmured, her voice breaking slightly as she tried to blink the tears back. "I couldn't hurt you more, Remus. If I did, I know that you would disappear one night and you would never come back."
"I wouldn't abandon you."
"It wouldn't be just me you would abandon."
All those times they had talked about it, and she hadn't cried even once. Now, he could see her trying to constrain herself from completely breaking down in front of him. Judging by how she looked when she had opened the door, she had done so before he came. So, clearly, the issue was him.
She didn't feel like she could do that in front of him.
"No, please..." She murmured, and he didn't realise why, until he felt the pads of her fingers wiping tears away from his cheeks. "I upset you, I didn't mean to."
"I'm sorry I wasn't there." Remus said, closing his eyes as she held his face between her hands the way she always did. Like he was a precious flower in the palms of her hands she never wanted to part with. "And don't say it's fine, because it's not, Listo. It's not fine. Don't say anything, just... just know I'm sorry I wasn't there for you."
She took in a shaky breath.
"But I'm here now." He opened his eyes, kissing her forehead. "And I will be here forever, okay? I'll be here to carry both my pain and yours."
The first tear rolled down as an accident. His arms were now around her body, holding her close to him as he rubbed soothing circles down her back. After that, she couldn't hold it in anymore.
That day, she cried for everything. For Regulus. For James and Lily, for Harry, for Sirius' imprisonment. She cried for her baby, for the loneliness she had felt in that year, for the fear she felt every time Remus brought the bottle to his lips or left the house. With every tear that stained Remus' shirt, another weight seemed to be lifted off her back.
Remus didn't loosen his grip or move away a single time. He just held her, simply being there as she let everything out. He held her even after she went silent, too exhausted to say anything. He held her as she fell asleep, her body fully relaxing for what felt like the first time in years.
He lay her down on the bed, making sure her arms were still wrapped around him as he lay on his back next to her. He pulled the blankets over her, closing the window with a wave of his wand. His fingers found the top of her head, gently playing with her hair as she slept.
"Come in." Remus said, when he heard the knock on the door.
Sirius came inside, closing the door shut behind him. He just shot a questioning look at Callisto's direction.
"We talked."
"And?"
Remus let out an involuntary sigh, looking down at Callisto. How many times had she put herself in the line just to protect him? How many more times would she do it?
"It's obvious why we're all staying in the house. Voldemort is back." Remus stated. "This time, I care more about what happens to us rather than saving the world. I'm not repeating the same mistakes, Padfoot."
"It's good to be selfish sometimes, Moony." Sirius admitted, sitting down on the chair opposite from him. "That's exactly what you should be when it comes to this."
"It's crazy to think how history repeats itself... Makes you think what exactly we're going to lose this time."
Remus may not have known the answer to that, but he realised one simple thing.
He didn't have a lot to lose, but that was exactly why it would be paralysing if another person got torn out of his life.
He didn't have much, but it was all he had.
~ ~ ~
So, I'm back everyoneeee
My vacation lowkey sucked and I should have stayed home, but that's all fine ig.
I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Remus and Callisto needed to talk about this all.