TW: detailed panic attack
"I can't believe you don't know how to cook!" Thalia shook her head with a slight laugh as she continued to chop an onion on the cutting board.
When I got back from the diner with Harry I had to go up to my room quickly and stay in there for a while. It's Monday so that means I couldn't come out of my room until someone came and got me. I had completely forgotten that Niall and Harry told me about that until Harry mentioned it when we pulled up.
Only day later and I had already forgot about the one rule they gave me.
We left the house a little after 8:30 and when we pulled back up to the house from the diner it was 9:47. We weren't gone too long, but we were definitely pushing it on time since I need to be in my room from ten to twelve.
Harry had me lean the seat all the way back when we drove up to the house, which I didn't ask any questions about. Of course I wanted to ask why, but I think that not knowing would be my best option on this one.
When we walked in Thalia instantly started lecturing him about "how close he was cutting it" and that they "cant afford to let him fuck this up".
I listened for as long as I could, but they walked into the living room as I headed up the stairs, so by the time I reached the top I couldn't hear anything else.
I still have no idea what's happening during the time that I have to stay in my room, or why, but honestly I don't think I want to. If it's bad enough I have to stay hidden in my room I think I'd rather not know.
"I think that everyone should know how to cook." Thalia shrugged while she continued to cut the onion. "Niall pisses me off because he refuses to learn. He's had plenty of opportunities, he just doesn't listen to me. All of us know how except for him— And, well, you." She looked at me trying to fight off a smile.
I laughed as well and watched as her attention go back to chopping the onion, the knife glistening in the light with each move she made. "I never got the chance to learn. My parents didn't cook and when I moved in with my aunt she always ordered takeout since her and my uncle were always working. So, by the time I moved to New York I had no idea how to cook for myself."
Thalia turned to watch me as I spoke. She had put the knife down and stood with both of her hands on the cutting board. Her eyes watched me intently to show that she was genuinely listening to everything that I was saying.
It was kind of intimidating.
"It wasn't until I moved in with Chloe that I actually had a home cooked meal more than once a week." I pursed my lips, looking down to the ground at the mention of Chloe.
"Why did you move in with your aunt?" Thalia asked.
"My parents sucked at being parents to say the least." I let out a bitter laugh as I leaned my back against the counter. "My dad left when I was a teenager and a year later my mom left me with my aunt. For a while I expected my mom to come back, but she never did."
Instantly after the words left my lips the realization hit me. I snapped my head away from Thalia realizing what I said to her. I didn't mean to open up like that... It took me over a year to tell Chloe what happened to me when I was younger, yet here I am slipping up and spilling about my parents abandoning me.
"Uh..." I wiped my hand down my face. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say all of that."
"It's okay." Thalia assured me. "You don't have to worry about telling me things. I won't tell anyone."
I nodded to her mumbling, "Thanks."
Thalia gave me a smile before finishing up with chopping the onions. I looked down to my chipping nails, picking the majority of the polish that was left from my right thumb nail.
"Excuse me." Thalia spoke softly.
I looked up to see her starting to lean past me towards the sink, the knife in her being right hand in front of me as she moved.
Every muscle in me tightened out of reflex. My ears instantly started ringing and a cold sweat broke over my body.
I let out a startled scream and pushed Thalia's arm away, jumping away from her towards the island. My mouth went dry as my frantic eyes moved up to look at her.
"Woah, what happened?" Thalia's wide eyes watched me as she placed the knife in the sink, holding her hands up in a surrender. "You okay?"
"Mhm." I nodded quickly as my head started to pound with a blinding pain causing me to squeeze my eyes shut.
"I wasnt going to hurt you, I just needed to put the knife in the sink." Thalia spoke softly to me, my eyes opening to see her still holding her hands up.
"I know." I dropped my eyes to the floor, placing my hand on the counter to try and stable myself as the floor began to feel like it was shaking.
An overwhelming sense of detachment started washing over me as I began to try and even out my sudden harsh breathing, but it was no use. My chest was heaving in sharp abrupt pants causing it to ache and I couldn't get it to stop.
I hate this.
I hate feeling like this. I hate being like this.
I started to make my way around the counter, the air around me becoming think as I tried to walk towards the doorway.
"Rori?" Thalia's voice called my name, everything sounding distant.
My heart rate began to increase as my palms became sweaty. I tried to breath in but I couldn't, my breath was stuck in my throat and the pain in my head only intensified as the lack of oxygen increased.
I ignored Thalias calls for me. I couldn't have answered her even if I wanted to.
I reached my arm out, my hand gripping the doorway as I tried to make my way out of the kitchen. I stumbled to the hall blindly, my eyes not focusing well as I still struggled to breathe. After a few more steps my foot hit the bottom stair causing me to stumble forward and hit them hard.
"O-one..." I whispered as my hands gripped one of the steps in front of me. "T—..." I tried to count but I didn't have enough air as I struggled to lift myself to stand on the stairs.
I clung to the railing with my right hand as my left pressed firmly against the wall to use it to help stabilize me. Each step I took was slow, my eyes closed as I tried to focus on not falling backwards down the steps.
By the time I reached the top of the stairs the overwhelming nausea had set in. My stomach felt like it was going to empty it's self right here, but I fought it off and kept going towards my room.
I turned left and headed down the hall, my hands trembling while my knees wobbled with each step. I could barely walk due to the shaking in my legs as my entire body became completely fatigued to the point that I didn't even think I would be able to make it to my room. I stumbled to the right, my hand jutting out to catch myself as I hit the wall. I let out a weak raspy breath and tried to continue walking with my hand sliding against the wall as a support.
"One..." I gasped in trying to breath. "T-two..." I squeezed my eyes shut trying to keep my mind as calm as I could while my slow steps carried me closer to my bedroom door.
My chest felt like it was on fire at this point. It felt like someone was squeezing my lungs, preventing any air from entering them. I pressed my free arm against my aching ribs to apply pressure to them in an attempt to take away some of the pain while I stumbled through the hallway.
Finally, I made it to my room and instantly headed for the bathroom. I shut my bedroom door behind me and started walking with my hand sliding against the wall the entire way.
I need to be isolated.
My fingers slid against the textured wall as I made my way to the bathroom. I tried to focus on the feeling of the wall and how it felt against my fingers as I moved my hand down the wall nearing the bathroom.
I tried to focus on anything I could to distract my mind from its state of panic. But I couldn't.
I couldn't distract myself this time.
The only thing that I could think about was how badly my body hurt. The aching throb in my head, the burning in my lungs, the fatigue in my limbs... No matter how hard I tried to pull my mind away from it the pain was there and instantly took over my mind again.
Each step I took I tried to breathe in deeply, but each breath failed and ended up being abrupt and cut short just like the ones before it. I was getting enough air for me to continue functioning, but the breaths were still too shallow and each gasp of air was hurting my chest.
I need more oxygen than I'm getting.
I blindly reached the bathroom, not even caring to turn on the light as I entered. I only made it a few steps inside before my knees gave out causing me to crumble to the floor, my hands hitting the cold tile beneath me. I squeezed my eyes shut as the throbbing pain in my head grew stronger, a silent cry leaving me from the intensity.
"Stop." I begged breathlessly into the bathroom as I leaned back on my knees.
I gripped my fingers on the smooth tile to try and feel a sense of stability, my nails clawing at the cold flooring.
I can't do this.
My heart was beating too fast and the black in my vision was growing so I was sure I was going to pass out within the next minute or so. My body had broke out in a cold sweat and I felt so weak that I didn't know how much longer I could hold myself up in this position. My arms were shaking from my weight leaning on them and my legs were still trembling underneath me.
With my head dropped forward I continued to try and breathe as I waited for the black out I knew was sure to come. Every time this happens I end up waking up on the floor, my body still in a cold sweat.
The only good thing about waking up from passing out is that I could finally breathe.
I silently pleaded for the blackout to come so that the burning in my lungs would stop. But, instead I felt something cold under my chin. As my head was tilted back my eyes opened to see Thalia's face about a foot away from mine. Her dark green eyes were frantically searching mine as she took in my appearance.
"Rori, try to take deep breaths." I would have thought her echoing voice was coming from the hallway outside my door if I wasn't looking at her right now. "I need you to breathe." She looked scared but was still trying to keep her voice as calm as she could.
I remembered trying to do the same last night with Harry when I found him in here. Even though I was scared I tried to keep my voice calm in hopes he could hear me and be reassured.
I wonder if that's how I looked last night. I wonder if when Harry opened his eyes he could see how scared I was. If he could hear through the fake calmness I tried to lace through my words.
I know what Thalia is trying to do for me. She's trying to calm me down, but I also know that seeing someone like this isn't easy and I feel bad that she has to witness it. I wish she would have just stayed in the kitchen so that she wouldn't have to be a part of this.
"Harry!" She screamed as she turned her head towards his bedroom door. "Harry, I need you!"
No. He's the last thing I need right now. Please don't let him come in here.
I begged in my mind unable to form the words, pleading her with my eyes in hopes that she would understand I didn't want him in here.
I tried to get the words out of my mouth but only ragged breaths could pass my lips as I tried and failed to beg her to leave me in here alone.
After how Harry acted with me during breakfast I'm scared if he sees me like this it will make him go back to the way he was before and give him something new to hang over my head.
Besides, I don't want anyone seeing me like this or knowing that I have panic attacks.
I can deal with it on my own.
"Rori, you're okay." Thalia brought her hands up to smooth back my hair softly. "It's gonna be okay." She tried to be calm me as she spoke, though I could hear the fear in her own voice and how it trembled with each word she spoke.
I heard a pair of muffled footsteps come into the bathroom as Thalia looked over to the doorway. "I-I think she's having a panic attack. I don't know what to do."
Please make him go away. Please don't let him see me like this.
But my silent pleas were useless.
Thalias eyes looked into mine one last time before her body moved away from in front of me only to be replaced with a larger one seconds later, a lighter pair of green eyes now looking into my dark ones.
Harry met my eyes, his face expressionless as he leaned in closer to me.
"Breathe." He instructed calmly. "In." He took in a deep breath as if to show me what to do.
I shook my head, "I ca—"
"Don't talk." He cut me off quickly. "Breathe in." He instructed again. "Focus on something. Find one thing and focus on it. Just one thing. It doesn't matter what it is."
I've been trying.
I can't focus. The only thing I can think about is the pain radiating all over my body.
I squeezed my eyes shut, my head falling forward as my body grew weaker from the exertion. My arms still shook from my weight being on them and I knew that they weren't going to last much longer.
I felt a cool finger dip beneath my chin, pushing it up so that my head was looking straight again. It might just be easier for me to give up on holding myself up and lay down on the tile because the pain in my arms isnt worth it anymore.
"Open your eyes."
After a few seconds my eyes slowly opened, my short breaths fanning out onto Harrys hand that still rested beneath my chin. His eyes were still
on me, though I couldn't meet his gaze.
Instead I moved my eyes up slowly seeing every detail of his face. The split in his bottom lip where it was busted open twice this week, the small amount of facial hair that had started to peek through on his skin, the bruise on his left cheek that spread up right under his eye, the scar between his left cheek and temple. As I sucked in ragged breaths I slowly made my way over every detail I could see, until finally the only thing left was his eyes.
And finally I met his gaze.
He nodded, "Good, look at my eyes." He still spoke calmly. "Just keep looking at my eyes."
I nodded my head softly signaling to him that I was listening since I couldn't verbally tell him. My dry mouth and erratic gasps for air were preventing me from speaking still.
Unlike Thalia I could tell that Harry was actually calm as he spoke to me, he wasn't faking it. His sangfroid demeanor was much easy to deal with than Thalias frightened eyes.
Harry spoke again, but not to me. "Go make some mint tea, Tia. I can handle this." As he spoke he kept his eyes on mine.
"Are you s—"
"It'll be easier for her to know that I'm the only other person here. It's hard enough having one person see you like this. If she knows someone else is in here she's going to feel too crowded to calm down and it'll just get worse." He stated quickly. "We'll be alright."
I heard Thalia agree, then felt a breeze as she passed where I sat crumbled on the floor. After a few moments I heard the echoing sound of the door shut, knowing now that it was just Harry and I in the bathroom.
"Try to breath again," He instructed as he continued to stare into my eyes. "In." He said taking in a deep breath.
I tried as hard as I could to match him and inhale deeply, but the breath lodged in my throat causing me to let out a pain cry as my eyes fell away from his and back to the floor. My chest was on fire, the pain almost too much for me to handle now.
I shook my head with my eyes pinched shut, the throb in the back of my head and chest growing so strong that it was almost enough to make me cry. I don't know how much longer I can take it.
"Focus, tournesol." Harrys hands came up from his lap to cup my face, forcing my head up to look at him again. "Focus on the feeling of my hands on your skin." My eyes opened and I watched as he reached down with one hand to grab mine and bring it to the hem of his shirt. "Focus on how the material of this shirt feels between your fingers. Don't think about anything else, just how all of this feels."
I shifted my eyes back up to look into his eyes, his thumb softly stroking across my cheek as my fingers began to fumble with the bottom of his shirt.
"Ground yourself." His thumb moved against my cheek, the gentle action feeling so foreign to me. "Be present." My fingers slid against the soft long sleeve white shirt he wore. "Remember that this feeling won't last forever and that you'll get through it." His eyes never leaving mine as he spoke. "Breathe."
I nodded as I slid my fingers against the soft material again and breathed in with him, my breath falling much shorter than his. "Out." We both parted our lips to let the breath out of our mouths.
My heart was still racing and my skin was still in a cold sweat. The pain in my head and chest was still burning but I tried my best to do as he said.
I allowed myself to feel his skin on mine. The way his calloused, yet still soft, fingers moved gently against my cheek. How cold his skin felt against mine.
I thought about the texture of his shirt and made bets in the back of my mind that it was probably more expensive than anything I owned even though it was just a plain white shirt.
"Again." He instructed.
We both inhaled deeply through our noses, holding it for a few seconds before exhaling through our mouths.
"Again."
We repeated the breathing a few more times, each breath becoming a little stronger than the last was, the pain in my chest and head dulling slightly.
As we continued to breathe I did what he told me to do and focused on how the material felt in my fingers. The soft fabric slipping from side to side as I fumbled around with it. I focus on his hand pressed to my cheek. The coolness of his skin spreading onto me as he kept it firmly against me, his thumb occasionally stroking my skin.
"Picture your happy place." He broke our silence. "Close your eyes and picture yourself there."
I nodded and closed my eyes, my mind instantly slipping away to the forest behind my aunt Stacys. I could see the butterflies as they passed by where I sat slumped down with my back to a tree. I could hear the whistles of the wind as it rustled through the leaves and the soft calls from the birds above hiding somewhere in the branches of the trees.
I could see my sketch book in my lap, my old beat up converses on my feet as I sat with my legs extended out, one resting over the other. The small purple and white flowers growing speratically through out the bottom of the forest, the tiny petals blowing in the wind.
"Where are you?" I heard him ask.
"The forest." I answered keeping my eyes closed.
"What do you see?"
I swallowed as I kept the vivid image in my mind, scared it would fall away if I tried to talk. "I see the... butterflies. The flow—" I sucked in a breath. "The flowers. They're all different colors."
"Which flower is your favorite?"
I shook my head, "It doesn't grow here." Another deep breath. "Sunflowers don't grow in forests... They need to be in a meadow or open land." Another breath. "They need space to grow."
As soon as I finished speaking I felt Harrys hand slip from my face, my skin feeling empty after losing his contact. I opened my eyes to meet his gaze again as I slowly pulled my hand away from his shirt.
I didn't even realize I was breathing regularly again until I opened my eyes. My chest didn't hurt as much anymore and my lungs weren't constricting when I took a breath. The pain in my head had reduced to just a dull ache now too. It was still there, but it was manageable now. My body still felt weak but my arms and legs weren't shaking anymore and my vision wasn't blacking.
I wasn't going to pass out.
"How'd you do that?" I mumbled, still looking into his eyes.
"I didn't do anything." He dismissed as he pushed himself up from where he was crouched in front of me.
I moved my eyes to watch as he walked over to one of the cabinets, reaching out to open it and quickly grabbing a small bottle out before walking back over to me.
He stood in front of with his free hand extended down to me. "Let's get you to your room."
I nodded and reached up to take his hand in mine. He helped pull me to my feet, my legs wobbling a bit from the fatigue I was still feeling, but I managed to stay upright.
Harry let go of my hand to place his flat against the small of my back as he walked with me through the bathroom door. Closing it behind us, he walked with me towards my bed where I basically crumbled into it.
I sat on the edge, pulling the cover back a bit so that I could get under it while Harry set the pill bottle down on my night stand allowing me to see what they were.
Aspirin.
As he put the bottle down he turned and started to walk towards my bedroom door. Panic filling me again at the thought of being left alone.
"Where are you going?" I asked a little abruptly, not doing much to hide the fact I really didn't want to be alone right now.
As he reached my door he turned his head to face me, "Getting you something to drink so you can take those pills."
I nodded my head even though he had already turned his back to me again, watching as he opened the door and swiftly walked through it. I stared at the now closed door and listened as his footsteps echoed down the hallway until he got too far for me to hear anymore.
Once I knew I was completely alone I placed my head in my hands, sliding my fingers up through my hair and digging them into my roots. My mind began to race over what had just happened and I let out a shaky breath as I felt the tears begin to prickle at my eyes.
I feel like such an idiot.
I can't believe I had a panic attack in front of Thalia, not to mention the fact that she followed me into the bathroom. I wish she would have just let me go. I don't want people to know about my problems.
Especially not Harry.
Him knowing about my panic attacks makes me worry that he'll use them against me later. That somehow he'll find a way to twist it around on me.
I went over a year without ever breaking down like that in front of Chloe. I got to where I was able to seclude myself and get myself to a safe place before it got too bad. But I've never been so blindsided by an attack like this. I didn't even have a chance to get away from Thalia before it flared up. It was just so sudden.
I'm just still finding it so weird how Harry helped me through it... I'm still not sure how he did it or how he knew how to help me ease my mind the way he did. I've never been able to calm down like that from a panic attack.
No matter what I've tried I've never been able to calm down.
But thinking about how he did it is just leading me to have more questions. Why did he help me? Why did he help me work through my panic? Why didn't he just leave me there?
I'm giving myself an even worse headache than I already have.
It's been a few months since I've had one. My body is definitely feeling the after effects of it and it going into shut down mode.
After having this one it's crazy to think that Chloe didn't even know I had them... I don't think she would have ran from me, but I know that it would have worried her. I know it would have brought up more questions and I would have had to find another stupid excuse as to why I couldn't answer her.
I hate that I hid so much from Chloe.
I hate that I had to hide so much of myself from her because I was scared of how she would react. I hate myself for not being able to trust myself with her more. It's one of my biggest regrets.
I knew she wouldn't abandon me but the idea is so engraved into my head that it's hard for me to ever imagine that someone would actually want to be a part of my life. It's impossible for me to think that someone could see the darkest parts of me and still chose to be around me.
"Here." The sudden voice caused me to jump, lifting my head up from where I was staring at my bed cover.
Harry stood with a water bottle extended towards me in one hand and in the other he held a coffee mug with steam coming up from the top.
I raised my hand and took the water thanking him as I opened the cap. I drank some of the water to ease the dryness in my mouth before grabbing the bottle of aspirin and talking a few pain relievers in hopes that it would help with ache in my head.
When I was finished I put the water on my night stand and looked back up to Harry who still stood by the edge of my bed, his eyes watching every move I made.
"It's mint tea." He spoke as he placed the mug down on my bedside table. "Mint has calming effects that help relax your body and mind.
Chamomile does the same thing but it tastes like shit, so I figured you'd like mint better. It's still pretty hot so I'd let it cool for a while."
Very english of him to bring me tea.
"Thank you." I said looking up to meet his eyes. "I don't know how you did it... but thank you."
His eyes shifted uncomfortably, moving to look at my bed as he nodded his head.
I could tell he was uneasy talking about it and I didn't want to push it but I just wanted him to know that I was thankful for what he did.
"No one has ever been around when that's happened." I moved my eyes to stare back down at my hands sitting in my lap. "Sorry you guys had to see it."
"What causes them?"
"Hm?" I looked back up to him slightly surprised that he was still wanting to be around me. "What do you mean?"
"What causes your panic attacks? What's your trigger?"
"My trigger?" I'm not sure what he means by that.
"Panic attacks are set off by triggers." He explained to me. "Everyone's can be different. It doesn't even have to be something huge, but it's always something of significance to you."
"Oh..." I'm mumbled looking back down to my comforter, fumbling with it between my fingers. "The knife, I guess." I said quietly, my words barely coming out above a hushed whisper. "Thalia was cutting an onion in the kitchen and we were talking. When she reached around me to put the knife in the sink I wasn't paying attention... So when I looked down I saw the knife in her hand and I panicked. It wasn't her fault... she didn't know."
I'm not sure why I decided to be totally honest with him, but I did. I'm not sure if it was the fact that he helped me through the panic attack or if it was because of how tired I was. But I couldn't argue with him right now even if I wanted to. I wouldn't even be able to think of an excuse to try and get him off topic if I tried.
So instead I just told him the truth.
There was a moment of silence before he spoke again. This time asking, "You don't like knives?"
"No." I answered as I shook my head looking back up to him.
I was worried he was going to pry more into it. I really don't want to talk about it, especially not after just having a panic attack over it. I think he's just trying to understand more but I really don't want to talk about it.
I looked up to see him staring at the floor, his eyebrows knitted together showing that he was deep in his own thoughts. So I sat expectantly, waiting for the questions as he continued to stare at the floor in silence.
But they never came. He didn't press it any further.
Instead, without another word he turned and started walking towards the door leading into the bathroom.
"Where are you going?" I asked him again.
He turned his head to me as he neared the door, "Thought you'd like to be alone."
I shook my head, moving my eyes away from his. "No... Not really."
I looked back down to my fingers, scraping at the chipped red polish on my thumb as I avoided eye contact with him.
Why am I being so vulnerable with him?
I'm never like this.
I'm blaming it on the fact that I'm too tired to think straight.
The sound of muffled footstep against the carpeted floor caused me to look up and see him walking towards the end of my bed. I watched in confusion as he came up on the opposite side, sitting down on top of my covers with his back facing me.
I watched his back profile, his head dipped down to look at the floor as I heard the clatter of his boots being kicked off and hitting the floor.
I stayed still as he scooted himself back against the headboard lifting his legs up to lay on the bed, folding one over the other as he adjusted himself against my headboard. He placed his hands on his lower stomach while moving his head over to look at me. "What?"
"I didn't think you were actually going to stay with me." I said truthfully, leaning against the headboard next to him.
"Do you want me to leave?"
I shook my head answering him, "No."
"Why?" His eyes flicked between mine as he spoke.
"I don't know." I chewed on my bottom lip, averting my eyes from his to look down at my comforter. "I just don't want to be alone."
//
an:
hey guys!! just wanted to pop in & say thank you so SO much for all of the love that you guys have been giving to Insatiable!! as a brand new author it means the world to me & i cant wait for what's to come.
im so excited to have the opportunity to share this with you guys & to have such quick growing support.
you all mean the world to me. <3
lots of love, see u guys on tuesday !
-sj