Just relax, Kristina. Everything's gonna be okay. This will work and you'll know for sure when you've done it. Play it cool, don't freak out and try to be polite.
"Kristina? Hey!"
I looked up and Brandon was waving his hand to see if I was paying attention.
"You have been staring blankly at your drink since we got here. What's wrong? Don't you like this place?"
"N-no... I'm... I'm fine." I answered while I sit up straight.
I'm a little anxious and I really don't know if I should really be do this.
"I was surprised when you called me up to see if I was still in town. Thank you by the way for helping me with the directions. New York is really confusing. A lot of streets and signs but it can't really point out to where the exact location is."
Brandon was the tourist who asked for directions last Saturday on the 22nd street. He gave me his number but I never gave him mine. So last night, I called him up to see if he was still in New York and if he wanted to have dinner with me. Good thing he said yes. He's very handsome and has a good physique. His hair is dark brown a bit short but wavy, it seems he hasn't shaved in days so it adds charm to his face, his eyes are brown and he smiles like a heartthrob action star. Very bad boyish type of guy. He said that he modeled for a sports magazine that's why he's in NY.
"Amm, enough about me. What about you?" ,he asked.
"Me? I'm not really interesting." I answered while shrugging my shoulders.
It's true, there is nothing interesting about my life. Nothing really nice to be said. What should I say? I'm poor, I'm worthless, and I was once a disgusting person... what else is new?
"How so?" he asked.
I sighed and said, "Well, what you see is what you get."
He smiled and stared at me.
"Why are you smiling?" I asked.
"Because I think you are beautiful and to be honest, Kristina, you are the first girl ever who asked me out on a date. Usually, it's the other way around. So with that being said, let's toss to that."
I smiled and tossed my glass of wine with Brandon.
My date is going well, so far. I'm with a guy and that's the way it should be. Though, I can't stop thinking about what Lizzy said to me yesterday.
"Look, I don't think you're straight. Why? Cause you went out with two Lesbians."
"Come out of the closet. You don't belong there."
"Kristina, if you are gay... Don't go for AJ."
Oh Gosh! I can't stop thinking about it. Why am I like this? I should focus on Brandon, right? He seems like a nice guy and I should be attracted to him. I should be...
Suddenly, I noticed two ladies entering the restaurant. I can sense that they are a couple. They are holding each other's hands, gazing at one another like they are really inlove and kissing like there's no tomorrow. They were escorted to their table right next to where Brandon and I were sitting. I saw how they whisper sweet nothings to each other and would give a sweet smile on their faces. To me it's not disgusting to look at, it's kinda sweet and it makes me want to look forward to their relationship.
Brandon noticed me looking at the table next to us. He looked as well and faced me with a smirk on his face.
"Those kind of relationships don't last." He said.
"Why do you say that?" ,I asked with a sharp look on my face.
"We all know that a man is made for a woman and a woman is made for man. You can't just waste your life with a relationship like that. It's not natural. It destroy the order of things. It's real a shame."
I felt a pain on my chest. Brandon's words were drowning me. Can he not see the love that these two have? How come he just pointed out the gender but not the feelings of a person? I don't see shame, I see love, happiness and comfort. It's not easy to find someone whom you can be yourself with, somebody who is willing to take care of you and just love you with all of their heart.
"Did I say something wrong?"
I snapped out of my thinking.
"What?", I asked.
"Are you okay? Do you want to get out of here? We could go to the hotel where I'm staying."
"Y-yeah... sure."
Brandon waved to the waiter and asked for the chit. He paid the bill and he even asked the waiter to keep the change. He then helped me with putting on my coat as we head outside the restaurant.
"It's a bit cold tonight. Good thing my bed is warm.", Brandon jokingly said while placing his right hand on my waist.
"Where's your hotel located again?"
"It's ten blocks away from here. Let me call a cab."
"NO! I think we should walk." I suddenly stopped Brandon from calling a cab.
I know what will happen next, but I don't know if I should go through with it. I need to buy some time.
"Are you sure you want to walk?"
"Yes. Let's walk."
Brandon agreed to walk to the hotel where he's staying. However, this guy is trying to be touchy and already kissing my neck.
Kristina, why are you doing this again? I thought you were done with this?
Let's say you go through with it but in the end you didn't liked the way it made you feel? What would you do then? Is it worth it? What will it prove? All you did was to put something in between your legs and you're done.
Making love is not something that should be played at. I thought you learned that the hard way. Now look at you, you're back in the game. Have you forgotten what happened before?
This is a mistake and you know it.
As we go near the hotel my heart began to beat really fast, my hands are getting clammy and I'm breathing fast.
Suddenly, I heard my phone beeped. When I looked at the screen it was a text.
"I'm on the 7th floor. Let's go." Informed Brandon.
I placed my phone back in my pocket.
Kristina, please turn around and stop this nonsense. This doesn't prove anything.
We went inside the hotel into this grand lobby. Brandon talked to the receptionist as if to ask a favor.
So what if you're gay? Having sex with a guy whom you barely know doesn't change the fact of who you are. You are you. You are unique in every single way. God loves you and He wouldn't change it for the world. You are only destroying and degrading yourself with the fact that making love only means by being penetrated by a man. You deserve to be held with love not to be used as a pass time. You are not an object Kristina. Love yourself a little bit more. If it's with a woman you'll end up with... so be it! Atleast you'll know you will be happy for the rest of your life rather than asking yourself 'what if?'
You know where your heart is. I suggest you go for it.
"C'mon, let's go." Said Brandon while reaching for my hand.
"Brandon, I can't."
"What?"
His eyebrows crossed in disbelief.
"I can't do this. I have to go. I'm so sorry... I just... I just can't."
I turned around and left Brandon at the hotel lobby.
I immediately called a cab and got inside.
"Where to, young lady?" asked the cab driver.
"Central Park, please."
"Right away, miss."
I am breaking down my walls and I will risk everything. I don't care what other people say, this is my life and I should live it to the fullest. I can't hold on to the grudges of my past, this is me now. The me that has been missing and now found by my heart. Lizzy's right! I should come out of the closet 'cause I don't belong there, I belong out here, to someone... with no boundaries.
I have to be real to myself and stop hiding what I truly feel. I have felt things that I thought I could just ignore no matter how real it is. Love has no gender, I can see it now.
"Where here."
"Thank you, sir."
I paid the cab driver and got out of the cab. My heart is beating fast once again as I approach a bench with someone near and dear to my heart sitting on it.
"I got your text." I said as I smiled at this person.
"I thought you weren't coming."
"Amm... could you do something for me? I just needed to make sure..."
"Make sure of what?"
"Stand up and face me." I said nervously. I can feel I am breathing heavily this time.
"What?"
"Just do it."
Immediately this person stood up and faced me with a charming look plastered on its face I don't care if people are staring, I just wanted to let this person know that I'm here.
Slowly but surely I gently kissed her lips and she kissed me back. So this is what it feels like to kiss a girl. It's soft and comforting yet passionate.
After the kiss, I looked deeply into her cerulean blue eyes.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Author's note:
Thank you guys for reading my story. I love you all my dearest favorite people in the world. :)
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