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There’s someone inside
그 속에 누군가 있어
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Minghao's POV:
We went to the art gallery the next day. It was Jia's idea, and I was more than happy to tag along.
I really liked the place – the exhibits were very interesting, and we spent the entire time just staring at the paintings, observing and admiring them.
"This is one of my favourite pieces from an artist I really admire," Jia said as we looked at a painting. "It's called 'The Dreamer', it depicts two men standing alone on a dark street, illuminated only by a lamp that casts eerie shadows around them."
"Why is it called 'The Dreamer'?" I asked.
"Because every time the man looks up at the light shining above him, he sees something else." She pointed to a painting that depicted the same man walking down a road, looking left and right, in search of something. "You see," Jia continued, "the man is trying to search for his dream. He wants to know why he feels so hopeless, and what it could be about. However, each time he tries to reach out to find out, he gets nothing. So he turns back to look at the street again. In doing so, he meets another man, who helps him search for his dream, and they both end up finding their dreams in each other. Cliche, yes, but isn't it just so...beautiful?" She smiled fondly at the painting.
I nodded my head as I softly looked at her.
"Isn't 'The Dreamer' very similar to us?" I nudged her. "Except instead of a dark street, it was a dark practice room for us?"
She laughed lightly. "Yeah, probably. We all have our own darkness inside of ourselves, don't we?"
I paused as I heard her say those words. I ended up spacing out, thinking about the time when I-
"Hao! What's the matter? I've been calling your name for a whole minute," Jia said with a concerned look on her face, as I regained my senses and straightened up.
"Ah, sorry about that. I just...I was just thinking about that painting, yeah." I scratched my head sheepishly.
"It's okay," she giggled as she stroked my nape. "Hey, I need to stop by somewhere before we head home, do you wanna tag along?"
"Lead the way, love."
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"What is all this for?" I said in astonishment as she finally opened the huge bags of stuff she bought which she wouldn't let me see after she got them.
"Well, canvases, a box of paints, a painting knife, and-"
"No, no," I laughed. "I know, I can see that. But...what is it for?"
"For painting, duh!" I raised my eyebrows at her and she scratched her nape.
"Well, you see...I was wondering if..." I waited patiently until she finished her sentence. "I don't know! I just thought it would be nice to...paint together...I saw some of yours too! And I really, really loved them! You should've shown me before...but what I'm trying to say is...I really want to-"
"You...saw my paintings? When?" I sharply cut her off.
I noticed her shoulders droop. "Oh...yesterday. Something fell down from your closet, so I went to put it back. I saw some canvases down there, and...I'm sorry, I shouldn't have looked at them without your permission," she muttered as she averted her eyes to the ground.
That caught me off guard, not because she found out about the paintings, but...well, you could say it was because of them. It's not as if I was mad at her for seeing them, but...I never showed my paintings to anyone. Hell, not even my mom or my brother, whom I was the closest to.
"I-I'm sorry, Hao. I'll just-" she muttered as she began picking up the supplies she had laid down on the carpet.
"It's fine." Her gaze snapped to mine quickly as she lifted her head to meet my eyes. There was a hint of guilt and fear in her eyes. I kneeled down next to her and put my hand on hers, which was gripping the canvas. "It's okay if you saw them, I'm not mad, so don't worry."
She swallowed. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay, really. Hey, you want to paint together? Let's do it. It's been a while since I painted as well." I faked a smile as I tried to brighten up the mood.
Her mouth curved into a slight smile. "Okay, thank you."
"I'll just freshen up and get some things, okay?" She nodded and I went into my room, trying to control the shaking in my body as I closed the door behind me and opened my closet. I stared at the canvases which brought back tons of memories. Memories I wished would fade away.
Most of the paintings were mainly abstract art. A lot of them were dark. Some were filled with colour; splashes of reds, greens and yellows, and lots of shapes. Some even contained black outlines of people. Most were simple, like landscapes. Some were of people in various positions, and some were simply blank. Others were just simple sketches or portraits.
My breath hitched as I gazed at the next one. It would seem like a normal landscape painting to someone else, although in reality, it was one of the darkest paintings I had made.
The painting seemed calm, almost serene.
The woman had her hair tied back in a long braid and wore a flowy, yellow dress. One of her hands was holding a flower, and the other arm wrapped around two boys, one of whom was drawing a heart on the sand.
All three of them were laughing while admiring the sunset, as seagulls flew by.
My breath was getting shallower, and I felt dizzy.
"Minghao? Are you done?" A knock on the door was followed by a voice. I snapped out of my stupor and forced myself to stand up.
"Yeah, coming!"
I grabbed two easels from my closet and went outside.
"Are you okay? You look...a bit pale," Jia said, her voice laced with concern as she took the easel from my hands.
"Yes, I'm fine." I gave her a reassuring smile.
"But-"
"I want to paint, let's get started already," I cut her off as I set my easel and sat down, rummaging through the box of brushes.
"Okay..." she muttered, glancing at me before focusing back on the canvas in front of her.
The sun had set completely, and the only thing illuminating the lounge where we were sitting were the small lights that hung from the ceiling. The room was silent except for the sounds of us breathing and brushing. Neither of us said anything, just taking in the silence and enjoying it peacefully.
"You didn't notice anything in my paintings? I was expecting a ton of questions when you said you'd seen them," I spoke up, not breaking away from my painting. I heard Jia move and put down her brush. I glanced at her before continuing my work.
"Not at first, no. But...yes, I did have a lot of questions. I just...I don't know, I was a bit scared to ask. I didn't think you'd like hearing that I saw them."
She stopped talking momentarily, then added, "I didn't mean to make you remember bad memories, and I hope that you won't hold it against me, but...," she said, looking at me apologetically.
I stared at her silently for a few seconds.
She was waiting for me to reply. To tell her that I forgave her. To let her know that I wasn't upset with her for having seen my past.
But I couldn't bring myself to say anything. It felt as if I was choking up. The lump in my throat was preventing me from speaking.
"They're all me," I whispered at last.
My fingers brushed over the soft, light-coloured canvas in front of me as I tried hard not to cry. But the tears finally came rolling down my cheeks, as I struggled to keep them under control. Jia stood up and walked toward me, gently pulling me into a hug. I hugged her tightly.
"I'm sorry, Minghao," she said softly. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."
"'We all have our own darkness inside of ourselves'. That's what you said earlier, right?" She nodded.
"You don't have to open up right now if you don't want to, Hao," she whispered. I shook my head, yet stayed silent. Only my sobs could be heard for a while.
"I started painting when I was...13? Things changed for my family a lot back then," I spoke.
"Jia, Junhui is my step-brother. His dad died when he was quite young. And then, well, my mom remarried after some years, and then a few years after that, I came along. But I've looked at Junhui as if he's my real brother, because he has always been so kind. I mean, even though he is older than me, he doesn't take advantage of it and he's always been so supportive to me." I fell silent again and I felt Jia's hands reach up to my hair and she began stroking them.
"Around the time I was 13...a lot changed. My parents started to argue a lot. My father's behaviour towards mom...deteriorated more and more. He became rude, angry and cold. At first, I thought it was just him being depressed, you know? Then I realised that something was wrong, and it wasn't just because his emotions were affected. So one night, while everyone was asleep, I went downstairs. I found him passed out on the couch, surrounded by empty bottles of alcohol. And I knew that something was seriously wrong."
I paused, letting out an involuntary shudder. "He would scream, and call her names. I couldn't understand what he was saying, but his tone of voice told me everything I needed to know. I knew his mind was gone, but I still felt compelled to do something. My dad may have stopped loving my mom, but he did love me a ton." I bitterly laughed as more tears slipped down my cheeks.
"I was still so young back then, and...everything that was happening in the house was so overwhelming...I almost went insane, Jia. The only reason I probably survived all that was that I had Junhui."
"I don't know how my mom survived in that hell. I mean, she was strong as ever, but it was horrible. Every morning she would wake up and go to work, doing her job as if nothing happened. Yet, every single day her heart was crushed. The strong woman who was always so bright in every situation had lost all hope."
"I still wonder why they never got a divorce up to this day. It seems unfair. Yes, I get it that things did go a bit better, My dad started seeing a psychologist and he had to get treatment, too. They both did. But...it isn't fair for mom to have to live with him. She deserved so much more than to have to deal with his bullshit." I sniffled and wiped my tears.
"That's when I started painting, too. Back then, I didn't paint to show my art. I did it to escape."
I paused again. "I started painting so that I wouldn't lose myself and become my father. It was so stupid, huh? Painting was the only way to help me cope with everything." I chuckled dryly.
"I just wanted to create something, you see. Something that showed what I was feeling back then. Maybe it was cruel, I don't know. I just didn't want to feel. I didn't want to feel any more pain, and I didn't want anyone to see that side of me. I just wanted to forget about everything and just...be happy."
"How is everything now?" Jia whispered.
"Now? It's just...it's just okay, I guess. My parents don't really speak to each other. And there's just...nothing left between them anymore. Junhui and I have tried to talk mom into getting a divorce, but she just won't. She still won't tell us why. I don't know, she keeps saying there's nothing wrong with us, and that she's happy for us. Even though I'm sure she's hurting inside...I don't blame her. I just...I just hope she won't have to suffer like that again."
"And...your dancing?"
"Hmm...dancing?"
"You know, when we first met...you said you helped me because you knew how it feels to get criticized. Is there something about that, too?"
"Ah, that...kind of? When I first started attending the dance academy, I wasn't much of a dancer. Junhui did teach me how to dance, but you know, it wasn't really much. I guess you can say I somewhat used to be like how you were. Junhui was the only one I had back then, but he, too, was learning. So..."
Jia pulled back, and her face was streaked with tears. She wiped away mine and then held my hands.
"And now, you're a pro. I'm so proud of you, Minghao. Thank you for surviving all that."
"Everything will be alright," she said, wiping her tears away. "Nothing can harm you now. There are people who care for you and your well-being. You have me, okay? Just talk to me whenever you need to, or even if you don't feel like talking. You don't have to go anywhere alone. YJunhui is with you, too. Okay?"
"Thank you for listening," I whispered as I felt my eyes brim with tears again.
"Thank you for trusting me and opening up to me," she whispered back as she cupped my face.
"I can't even imagine what it might have been like for you back then..." Her voice trailed off.
"Hey, I have happy memories too," I lightly laughed.
"Tell me about them," she said as she leaned her head against mine.
"Hmm well, I have a lot with Junhui. We would always spend time together, either in the park or in his room. He would take me to the beach, and with part of the pay he used to get from his part-time job, he would buy me ice cream or take us to a fancy restaurant. He took me to an amusement park on my birthday, once. He even bought me a kite, and we would fly that together with mom. We spent a lot of time on the beach, though. We both started dancing together, too. Basically, in a way, he was the one who raised me." I laughed fondly.
"Do you know, he was the one who first bought me supplies for painting! And one day we just ended up painting on each other's arms."
Jia giggled. "That's cute."
We stayed silent for a while. "Did you finish your painting?" I ask her and she nodded. "Show me."
She got up and turned her canvas towards me. "Wow, Jia~," I said as soon as my eyes landed on the painting.
It was a painting of the beach, the sun was setting and a couple (us, I believe) was walking along the shore, with seagulls flying above their heads, and the two of them with bright smiles on their faces.
I smiled as I admired the painting, then flinched when I felt strokes on my arms. I looked down and saw Jia curled up on the ground, moving her brush around while holding up my sleeve.
"What are you doing?" I asked as laughter escaped my lips.
"Shh, can't you see? I'm painting."
Soon we were both laughing, as we rolled on the ground, splattering paint and drawing on each other. It was a mess, but none of us cared as only the sound of our laughter and rolling on each other filled the room. I finally gave in and let Jia pin me to the ground, brushing paint on my cheeks, not caring about the splatters that went into my hair.
"Okay, okay, enough! Stop now," I managed to say in between laughter. Jia let her brush fall to the ground and remained lying on top of me. My arms automatically wrapped around her.
"Thank you, truly. Not just for today, but for everything," I said.
She raised her head and smiled at me, her dimpled showing. "There's no need to thank me, love."
"Did you just call me 'love'?"
"Maybe," she muttered as she buried her head in my chest. I laughed as I raised her chin and connected our lips.
"I love you," I whispered as I quickly broke away before kissing her again.
"I love you, too," she whispered in between the kiss before I deepened it, bringing her closer to me.
We broke apart and she rested her head on my chest.
"I'm happy now," I whispered.
"Hmm?"
"You told me to forget everything and be happy. I'm happy, Jia. Thank you."
"You're beautiful" was all she said in response.
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