Trigger Warning
Multiple Mentions of Vomiting
San's POV
It's been over a year since our Kingdom performances, so we decided to put together a little show for Atiny. Hongjoong arranged for us to have an online concert where we're going to perform all of the songs we did during Kingdom. That's in about 2 or 3 weeks, so right now, we're all working hard relearn all of them. It usually wouldn't be hard, but given that many of the songs were performed through stressful times, and we have different versions to the songs, it a little bit harder to pick them up again. Well, a little bit harder for the other's, a lot harder for me. I've been struggling quite a bit. I'm not learning them as well as the rest of the boys are.
We've been running through our Wonderland performance for the past hour and a half. The other's have already almost got everything down pat, whereas I'm still struggling on almost half of it. After making yet another mistake during one of the run throughs, my frustrations finally got the better of me and I hurried out of the room. I was breathing heavily, trying to keep calm so I knew I needed to get away from the others. I hurried down the halls, swinging the door to the bathroom open and going inside. I don't like the other's seeing me vulnerable, especially when it's going to be so burdensome. It's been an hour and a half, and I still haven't been able to relearn it, how stupid is that. I'm an Idol, I'm supposed to be smart and good at this. But clearly I'm not. I'm not good enough to be performing with the other members, I'm useless. My eyes welled up with tears, and they quickly begun to fall as I thought about how bad I've been doing. I'm not good enough for this.
I startled when the door to the bathroom suddenly opened again. I turned to see Hongjoong walking in before quickly turning away, trying to hide my tears. It didn't work though, as mere seconds later, Hongjoong was wrapping his arms around my shoulders and hugging me tightly. I hugged him back, resting my head on his shoulder and crying into it. He stayed quiet, not saying anything but holding me for comfort. It took a few minutes for me to calm down, but once I did, we pulled apart.
"What's wrong," he asked gently.
"I'm fine," I said quickly, shaking my head. The last thing I want, is to be bothering Hongjoong about my stupid thoughts, because of my uselessness in the thing I'm supposed to be good at.
"That is a very obvious lie," Hongjoong said, raising an eyebrow.
"I'll be fine," I said, shrugging slightly. Hongjoong still didn't seem to believe me, which isn't a surprise given he saw me cry and is probably in protective leader mode.
"Let's go to my studio," he said gently. Ok, so I'm gonna be getting a long lecture I'm guessing. You only go to his studio if he needs to talk to you, properly talk. I nodded in reply, knowing there wasn't really any chance for me to say no. We left the bathroom and walked down the hall, into Hongjoong's studio. He closed the door behind us and we went to the couch, sitting down. Hongjoong immediately wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me close to his side, allowing me to cuddle into it. We were just sitting there for a while, not talking but it still bought me a lot of comfort. Hongjoong isn't usually one for skinship, so the fact that he's doing this for me, means a lot. I felt comfortable with him, and it made me feel a little bit better.
"I'm not good enough," I said quietly. Hongjoong immediately looked over at me, his eyes wide. I knew he wanted to say something, but he stayed quiet, allowing me to continue.
"I, I can't remember the dances. It's taking so long to remember the choreo. For me anyway. Everyone else is learning it so quickly," I said sadly. Hongjoong let out a sigh and tightened his grip around my waist.
"You have nothing to worry about Sannie. We still have plenty of time," he told me.
"Yunho and Wooyoung already have pretty much everything perfect," I pointed out.
"They learn quickly San, they always have. That's why it's so easy for them," he said.
"Do you think Jongho isn't good, because he's always struggled with learning dance moves and he's always needed that extra time and effort," he added.
"No, of course not," I said, shaking my head instantly.
"Exactly. It's the same with you Sannie. And it isn't even an issue, because like I said, we still have a few more weeks to practice he said. I mean, I guess I get what he's saying. He does have a point. He pulled me closer to him and placed a soft kiss to the side of my head. I couldn't stop myself, I craved the comfort and Hongjoong was there. I turned around and hugged him tightly, practically climbing into his lap for the extra reassurance and comfort I got from it. Thankfully he didn't seem to mind and just pulled me fully into his lap, allowing me to relax against him.
"Take your time and just settle down a bit. We can go back to practicing again later," he said softly. I let my eyes slip closed and breathed in and out slowly, calming down and relaxing. We stayed like that for a few minutes, before the door opened. I blinked my eyes opened and turned my head to see Seonghwa standing in the doorway, smiling gently.
"I came to find you guys and make sure everything was ok. But I can see everything is fine," he said, making Hongjoong chuckle.
"Sannie was just feeling a little down and insecure about his dancing," Hongjoong said, sighing as he ruffled my hair. Seonghwa frowned and quickly walked over, hugging me gently from behind.
"Why're you feeling so down baby," he asked gently.
"I'm not remembering the choreo quick enough," I mumbled.
"You're doing amazing Sannie, I promise. And either way, we still have time to practice," Seonghwa assured me. I mean, as my Hyung, he kind of has to say that, but I appreciate it.
"Thanks Hyungs," I said quietly.
"No problem. Now let's get going, back to practice," Hongjoong said, tapping my legs for me to get back up. I stood up quickly and helped him stand before the three of us all went back to the practice room. The other's seemed to have been having a break and were just chatting in little groups and drinking. I walked in and over to Wooyoung who just drinking by himself. Despite me wiping my tears away earlier, it was no surprise that Wooyoung immediately picked up on the fact that I was upset. He quickly latched himself onto me, hugging me tightly and kissing my cheek a few times. I chuckled and hugged him back softly.
"You ok," he asked me quietly.
"I'm fine now," I said, giving him a small smile. Despite saying that, I know deep down the worries are far from gone.
~~~~~
Practice was relatively uneventful after that and we eventually went back home. I got better at some of the stuff, but it's still not good enough. I barely touched my dinner, not really feeling hungry for some reason. So instead, I said goodnight and went to Yunho and I's room. I got changed quickly and sat down on my bed. My brain was running in overdrive, I couldn't stop thinking about every mistake I made throughout training. I laid down on my bed, turning to face the wall to just think about it. It's really not that hard, I don't get why I'm struggling so much. That's what makes it worse. I should be doing good!
I was pulled out of my thoughts by the sound of the door opened and I quickly closed my eyes, pretending to be asleep so I wouldn't have to talk to whoever came to check on me. It's probably Youngie, or one of the Hyungs. They didn't say anything, just walked over to the bed and laid down beside me, cuddling up to my back. I stayed quiet, still not knowing who it was, but I found myself relaxing and not thinking about practice. I finally gave in and rolled over, surprised to find myself looking into Yeosang's eyes. Neither of us said anything, he just gently moved my head to his chest and I cuddled up to him, allowing myself to drift off to sleep.
~~~~~
The next day we had group practice for three hours, before we were allowed to go off and do our own practice for a couple more hours. I said goodbye to Wooyoung who pouted before running and jumping on top of Yeosang who groaned, making me chuckle. Yeosang is gonna be driven crazy by Wooyoung because he's in a hyper room. I left the practice room and went off into one of our individual practice rooms. I quickly set up my phone and pressed play on Rhythm Ta, getting right into it. I practiced hard, making sure to try to do every move strong and efficient. I berated myself for ever mistake I made, then went back and redid it, five, ten times until I got it perfect. I'm not sure how long I was practicing for, because I lost track of time pretty earlier on, but the door suddenly opened and Wooyoung ran in. He looked worried but let out a sigh of relief when he saw me. Something tells me that doesn't mean anything good.
"I FOUND HIM. HE'S IN PRACTICE ROOM G," he yelled out. Uh, yeah? What's so bad about that? A few seconds later, Hongjoong, Yunho, Seonghwa and Jongho all came running in. Seonghwa rushed straighter over to me and hugged me tightly before leaning back and brushing my sweaty hair from my forehead. It felt nice, his hand was cold and soothing, so I leaned into his touch slightly.
"What's wrong," I asked them.
"You've been gone for 7 hours Hyung. None of us knew where you were, and you've even missed dinner. We were scared something happened to you," Jongho said. 7 hours? That doesn't sound right.
"I wasn't practicing for that long," I said, shocked by the revelation. The other's were all quiet and I couldn't tell what they were thinking, or how they were feeling which worried me. I'm not in trouble am I? Seonghwa just moved so his arm was wrapped around my shoulder and gently guided me from the room. As we were walking, the adrenaline from practicing died down and I realised just how tired I was. Which was a lot. Before I could do anything, my knees wobbled before giving out completely, sending me falling to the floor.
"Sannie," Seonghwa cried out, managing to quickly catch me before I hit the ground. My vision blacked out slightly and my head lolled forwards, unable to hold it up.
"Sannie. Shit, Sannie," Seonghwa said, lowering me to the floor. Just as quickly as it blackened, my vision came back into focus and I lifted me head, shaking it slightly and blinking. The other's had all rushed over and were surrounding us. Hongjoong cupped my chin and turned my head slightly, looking me over to check and see I was ok.
"I'm fine, I just got a little dizzy," I said, not wanting to worry them.
"That's bullshit. We're going home, you're eating dinner and you're resting," Hongjoong said tightly, his jaw clenched slightly. Yikes, angry Hongjoong is not fun.
"Yunho carry him," he added before I could saying anything, standing and walking off.
~~~~~
I was taken back to the dorm with the other's, Yunho insisting on carrying me all the way to the dining table where Seonghwa sat with me as I ate.
"I really didn't think I was practicing that long," I said quietly when he didn't say anything.
"I know," he replied with a nod.
"Is Hongjoong Hyung angry at me," I asked worriedly, remembering his reaction earlier.
"He's just scared. He didn't want anything to happen to you and we had no idea where you were for so long. Plus you almost fainted," he said with a sigh.
"I didn't faint," I said quickly.
"But you almost did, and that's still not good," he said.
"I'm sorry Hyung, I really didn't mean to lose track of time," I apologized.
"I know, but you really need to be more careful," he said softly.
"I will, I promise," I said.
"Alright. You go get ready for bed, I'll put your dishes away," he told me. I nodded and got up, going to my room. Yunho was already laying in bed on his phone, so he just nodded hello to me. I got changed into my pyjamas and brushed my teeth before heading to my bed. I paused beside it before deciding not to lay down. I still can't help but think Hongjoong is mad at me, so I just wanna make sure. I left my room and walked to the eldest's room, pausing when I heard talking. I know I shouldn't have, but I leant forwards to listen to what they were saying. Hongjoong seemed frustrated, and Seonghwa was trying to calm him down.
"It was an accident Joong," he said gently.
"It shouldn't have happened," Hongjoong replied. Yeah, they're talking about me. I frowned sadly, but continued to listen in.
"He was just trying to improve Hongjoong, he didn't know," Seonghwa said. At least I have one on my side.
"You think I don't know that Hwa? I know that's exactly what he was doing, and I shouldn't have let that happen. I knew what Sannie's mindset was like yesterday. He was clearly upset with how he was performing and I should've been checking up on him to make sure he was doing ok," Hongjoong said. Oh. He's not mad at me, he's mad at himself. I felt bad knowing I was worrying Hongjoong now. That wasn't supposed to happen. I stepped forward and knocked on the door. They both went quiet before Hongjoong opened the door, a slight frown on his face. He seemed surprised and a little bit worried, but he quickly smiled gently at me.
"Hey Sannie, what's wrong," he asked softly.
"Can I sleep next to you tonight please Hyung," I asked quietly. I think sleeping next to him will help reassure him, but I also wouldn't mind it if he says yes. He doesn't really sleep next to anyone, except for a few rare times so if he says yes, I'll take it. He was quiet for a few seconds before nodding and stepping to the side, allowing me to come inside. I hurried over to his bed, laying down and slipping under the blankets. Seonghwa and Hongjoong were both quiet as they got ready for bed, but they somehow seemed to come to the unanimous decision that they were both going to cuddle with me and they climbed into the bed. It was a tight fit, but Hongjoong pulled me so I was basically laying on top of him in order to fit. Hongjoong hugged me delicately and Seonghwa held on to my hand. That's how I fell asleep, listening to Hongjoong's steady heartbeat.
~~~~~
For 3 days straight Hongjoong monitored me, a lot. He made sure I wasn't overworking myself and when he couldn't, the other's kept an eye on me. I won't lie, it annoyed me. It was a one time accident and now I suddenly can't be left alone. It feels like they're babying me, which sometimes I don't mind but when it's got to do with performing, I do. Not only that, but it made me feel like I was even further behind. That's why I was ecstatic when on the fourth day, I finally got some alone time and I was able to practice alone again. I decided to start focusing on Wave Overture, as that has some complicated parts within it, more specifically the flip I do. It's complex, which means I will need to practice it a few times. I'd rather get going now, so when we get to group practice, it isn't as much of an issue. I grabbed out two ballet bars that we have for some reason (don't ask why, we don't know either, but they come in handy), and I placed the parallel on either side of me. I made sure they were about the same width apart that Seonghwa and Yunho would be in the performance before making sure they were sturdy. Perfect, this is exactly what I need.
I stretched for a few minutes to make sure I was warmed up. There's no need to pull a muscle and get injured, that would totally defeat the purpose. After that, I got into it. To start off with, I only grabbed the bar and jumped up into the air. I did that a few times before changing it to pushing myself forwards a little and swinging my legs out slightly. After that, I went further and further, not quite doing a half flip. I then went back and ran, doing a full flip. I almost fell as I did this, my hand slipping slightly but I managed to land safely in the end. My heart was pounding at the close call, but I shrugged it off and took a few deep breaths. I can do this. I went back again, this time having a longer run up and I executed it perfectly. Yes! I bounced up and down excitedly, happy that this was one thing that I was at least learning quickly. I did it again with the same run up, grinning when all went well again. The next time, I shortened my run up, giving myself just a few steps. As soon as I did it, I knew it wasn't going to end well. I didn't get enough momentum. Sure enough, halfway through, I half stopped and my hand slipped completely off the bar sending me head first straight into the floor. There was a bang, and then everything went black...
~~~~~
I woke up to a stiff back and something hard underneath me. I peeled my eyes opened and groaned, seeing I must've fallen asleep on the floor. Well that was stupid. I don't remember falling asleep though, and I don't remember being on the floor. Also why are there ballet bars? I sat up slightly and frowned when I couldn't recognize the room I was in. This is, weird. I stood up quickly, making my vision spin and my stomach feel nauseous. Ah, shit. Before I could register what was happening, I was falling to my knees and hunching over, vomiting straight onto the ground. There was an intense pain in my head and I whimpered, throwing up again. I whined in confusion, not understanding what was happening and I crawled along the floor to the door I saw. I managed to pull myself up slowly and open the door, stumbling out of the room and into the hall. I recognize the hall, I know I do, but I can remember where from. So I started to walk down it in a random direction. I stayed close to the wall, leaning against it heavily as my head continued to pound and my stomach churned. As I was walking, someone came out of another door. Good, maybe they can tell me where I am.
"Excuse me Sir," I called out, stumbling over to them.
"Hyung? You ok? Why'd you call me Sir," they asked. Huh. Do they know me? That's helpful. I nodded slowly, understanding I must know them.
"I know you right," I asked. Their eyes went wide at my words.
"Of course you do San Hyung. What's going on," they asked. I dunno, you tell me. I don't even know who you are. I looked around the hall, trying to see if there was something else that would help me figure out where I am, but there was a gasp. I turned back to the guy, seeing his face was pale and he looked worried.
"Hyung, Hyung did you hit your head on something," he asked me. Hit my head? Did I? I tried to think back, but my brain was fuzzy and it confused me. Before I knew it, I was leaning over and vomiting yet again.
Ew, did I just vomit? Why did I just vomit? And in a hall? That's disgusting. When I stood back up, I realised there was someone with me and I turned them. Great, I just puked in front of the Maknae, lovely. I'm gonna scar the poor boy.
"Oh, sorry Jjongie. What're you doing here," I asked him.
"Sannie Hyung, did you hit you head," he asked quickly, seeming panicked. Did I hit my head?
"Huh? Why? I'm fine," I shrugged.
"Your head is bleeding, you didn't recognize me not even a minute ago, and you just vomited," he said. I looked down and saw the vomit, cringing and moving back into Jongho.
"I need to take you to Hongjoong Hyung," he said. Right, take me to Hongjoong. Hongjoong. Hong-joong.
"Who's Hongjoong," I asked in confusion.
"Fuck. Holy shit. You can't remember Hongjoong Hyung," he said with wide eyes. Am I supposed to? I tilted my head to the side in confusion but there was a sudden sharp pain in my head and neck, making me stumble. Arms quickly wrapped around me and I moved closer to them. I felt scared, but I don't know why. Why am I scared? I was overwhelmed and confused, not understanding what was happening so I started to cry. The person with me yelled out, calling names I couldn't decipher. It hurt my head and I sobbed, clutching tightly to the person and covering my ears as best as I could. Why does everything hurt so much?
Hongjoong's POV
I was sitting in my studio, working on a new song I've been producing when I heard Jongho yelling, calling out Hyungs. I was instantly worried as he sounded scared which is rare, so I jumped up and rushed from the room, not even bothering to save my work.
"HYUNGS! SOMEBODY! COME HERE!" I sprinted down the hall, being joined by Seonghwa and Yeosang who ran with me. When we turned the corner, I heard sobs and I saw San cradled in Jongho's arms and vomit on the floor beside him. My stomach dropped and I rushed over, becoming even more shocked and worried when I saw Jongho crying. Jongho barely ever cries.
"What's wrong? What happened," I asked quickly.
"I don't know, but I think he hit his head. He didn't recognize me to begin with, and Hyung, he didn't remember who you were. And he's, he's bleeding," Jongho said, lifting his hand and showing the blood on it. I could feel panic crawling up my throat at the revelation but I quickly pushed it down, kneeling beside them. I delicately placed my hand on San's chin and moved his head so I could look at him. It wasn't hard to spot the trail of blood down the side of his head and when I looked at his eyes, I noticed they were glazed over.
"Hi," he said in a small voice, sniffling slightly.
"Hey," I replied, giving him a small smile. He blinked and looked around a bit before his eyes settled on me again.
"H-Hongjoong Hyung," he said slowly, as if he couldn't remember. My heart broke slightly and my eyes got teary but I pushed them back, nodding and ruffling his hair instead. I took a deep breath before turning around and beckoning Seonghwa over.
"Call an ambulance," I said quietly. He nodded and pulled out his phone, walking off to make the call.
"Sannie, can you remember anything that happened," I asked softly.
"Remember what happened," he asked, blinking in confusion. This isn't good.
"Do you remember hitting your head," I asked him.
"I fell," he said, nodding slowly.
"How did you fall," I asked him. He looked down at the ground for a few seconds before looking up, not replying.
"San, how did you fall," I asked again.
"Who fell," he asked with a raised eyebrow. Jongho made a pained noise and I fought back a curse. Yeosang didn't though, he swore and I turned to see him hurrying down the hall. I was worried about him, but right now I'm more worried about San and I need to look after him first. I noticed some puke on the corner of his mouth, so I pulled a tissue out of my pocket and wiped his mouth before chucking it to the side.
"Thanks Hyung," he said quietly. I didn't say anything, just looked at Jongho who still crying.
"It's gonna be ok," I said quietly. He just shook his head and held San tighter. Not long after, Seonghwa walked back.
"The ambulance is on their way, but they said to try and keep Sannie awake," he told us.
"Sannie, can you remember where you are," I asked him. It's best to keep him talking so he can stay awake. He looked around before slowly shaking his head.
"You're in the KQ building baby. We've been practicing performances lately for an upcoming concert we're having," I explained. San nodded in reply before snuggling closer to Jongho who rested his head on top of the elders. We stayed with San, making sure he was awake until we heard rushed footsteps.
"They're right this way." I looked up to see Yeosang leading the paramedics and Wooyoung down the hall. Ah, he went to tell the other's and to wait for the paramedics. The paramedics rushed over and started to tend to San. I saw the moment Wooyoung saw San, his eyes welling up with tears. He went to run to San but I quickly jumped up and grabbed his waist, stopping him. The paramedics are looking after San, they need to be left alone. He burst into tears and Seonghwa hurried over, pulling him into his arms while Yeosang went and helped Jongho up.
"What happened," the female paramedic asked.
"We don't know, one of the boys just found him in the hall like this. We're pretty sure he hit his head though," I said.
"Thank you," she replied, before they lifted San onto the stretcher.
"One of you boys can ride in the ambulance with us," the man said. Everyone immediately looked to me and I nodded. It's understandable that as the leader, I would go with him. The paramedics carried San on the stretcher and into the van where I quickly sat down. During the drive, San started to cry, calling out.
"Hyungie. Hyung, Hongjoong Hyung," he cried out. I jumped up and hurried over, grabbing his hand quickly.
"What's wrong baby," I asked him.
"What's happening Hyung, where am I," he asked me.
"You're ok, you're in an ambulance. You had a little accident," I said. I glanced over at the lady sitting with us.
"Amnesia is common if he hit his head," she explained.
"We think you hit your head, so we're taking you to the hospital," I told San gently.
"Who hit their head," he asked me.
"You did baby, but we don't know how," I said softly, running my fingers through his hair. He relaxed, but continued to hold my hand tightly. The rest of the ride was uneventful and the minute we arrived, San was rushed off and I was left standing in reception.
"Can you please fill out this form sir," she asked me. I grabbed the paper she gave me and quickly filled out the details. San's name, date of birth, parents phone numbers, and other details the doctors would need to know. As the leader, I've made sure to keep all of these details for the boys locked in my brain, just in case there was an emergency, like now. I handed her back the paper and she put it on a clipboard.
"Thank you," she said.
"There's a private waiting room down the hall and to the left that you can stay in while you wait," she added. I nodded and walking to the room, sitting down and waiting for the other's. I must've been waiting for about half an hour before the other's walked in. Seonghwa immediately walked over and slipped his hands into mine, holding it tightly. My eyes welled up with tears and I desperately tried to hold them back so he won't worry the other's. I just have to keep it together for a little while longer, no matter how scared I am right now.
"What happened," Yunho asked quietly.
"We're not sure. Jongho just found him like that, and he mentioned hitting his head but not how, or what on," Seonghwa said.
"Will he be ok," Wooyoung asked.
"We don't know yet," I said honestly.
"It was scary, seeing him act like that. He didn't recognize me and I thought he was just playing, but then I saw the blood," Jongho said, shivering slightly.
"You did good Jjong," Yeosang whispered, patting his head softly. I dropped my head into my hands and silently berated myself. I should've been there, I should have protected him so nothing happened. Twice in less than a week I failed him, and that's on me. There was a sudden hand under my chin and I lifted my head to look into Seonghwa's eyes as he was knelt in front of me.
"You can't blame yourself for this Joong, it's not your fault," he scolded me softly. I hate how he almost always knows what I'm thinking. Sometimes I think he knows me better than I know myself.
"I should have been there to protect him," I said quietly.
"There isn't anything you could've done, it was an accident," Yeosang said. That was the last straw for me, and the tears finally fell. I tried to turn away so they wouldn't see, but I knew they all saw. Arms were suddenly wrapped around me and I quickly turned into them, hugging Yeosang back. I squeezed my eyes closed tightly and buried my head into the youngers neck, trying to stop my tears.
"He'll be ok," Yeosang said quietly. Even though I wasn't fully sure, I nodded and relaxed a bit. All we can do now is wait.
San's POV
I woke up in the hospital, with a pounding headache. I whined and sat up, feeling a sharp pain in my head and an upset feeling in my stomach. I lurched to the side where someone seemed to appear out of nowhere with a vomit bag, and I puked into it. It didn't feel nice, but I did it two more times before leaning back and groaning. The lights were bright and were hurting my eyes, making the pounding in my head worse.
"Too bright," I whimpered, and they immediately dimmed. Thank god. A man walked to the bed beside me and I recognized him to be a doctor. I mean the white coat was a dead giveaway.
"Hello San-ssi, I am Sunghoon-ssi, your doctor," he said.
"How're you feeling," he asked me.
"I have a headache and I'm a bit tired," I told them.
"Do you remember what happened," he asked me. I thought back, but my memories were a bit blurry and I couldn't remember what had happened in the past few hours.
"I don't remember what happened," I said, shaking my head.
"That's ok, it's common with head injuries," he told me.
"What do you mean," I questioned in confusion.
"We aren't exactly sure what happened, but we know that you hit your head at some point and you have a concussion," he explained.
"It is bad," I asked worriedly.
"It's not life-threatening, but it is a severe concussion. You'll most likely be experiencing headaches and nausea for a few weeks, and possibly even bouts of confusion where you wont know what is happening," he told me.
"So, I'll keep forgetting things," I asked worriedly.
"You will most likely have short term amnesia for a while," he said. That doesn't sound very fun.
"You won't be able to do any strenuous activity for a month and not much exercise for the first two weeks," he said. A month? A month? I nodded to him, feeling slightly numb at the thought.
"Is my family here," I asked.
"There are 7 guys in the waiting room for you. Would you like me to send them in to see you," he asked.
"Yes please," I nodded. He left, and a few minutes later the other's walked inside. I immediately perked up slightly.
"Hwa Hyung, Joongie Hyung," I called out quickly. Seonghwa hurried over and pulled me into a hug. I'm not sure what to think, what's happening, so I just hugged my Hyung tightly and tried not to start crying. I looked around and saw Hongjoong, reaching out quickly towards him, wanting the comfort from my other Hyung. But he wasn't looking at me. My chest started to tighten for some reason and the tears started to fall quickly.
"Hyungie. Joongie Hyung," I sobbed, reaching out for him. I don't know why, but I don't feel like I can relax and feel safer until I have both of my Hyungs with me. Hongjoong's head snapped up and he immediately hurried over, joining Seonghwa in my hug. I buried my head into his neck and sobbed, crying out as my head started to hurt more.
"Shh, hush baby. You need to calm down or else your headache will get worse," Hongjoong whimpered.
"Just take a deep breath Sannie, it's gonna be ok," Seonghwa whispered. I calmed down slowly, just remaining cuddled up in their arms.
"You're gonna be ok," Seonghwa whispered.
"I can't do anything for a month," I said, shaking my head.
"That's ok," he said softly.
"They're something we're supposed to do and I'm gonna miss it," I said.
"Can you remember what it's for," Hongjoong asked quietly. I thought about it but I couldn't think of anything so I shook my head.
"We're having a concert where we perform all of our Kingdom performances again," Seonghwa said. At those words, it was like a key was turned in my mind and I remembered what happened. Practicing Wave, flipping, falling, and concussion. I tensed at the thought, alerting Seonghwa and Hongjoong who were still holding me.
"What's wrong," Hongjoong asked quickly. I was embarrassed, at how stupid and reckless that was. I can't dance for a month, because I fell doing a dance move. If that doesn't say useless, I don't know what does. Plus I know I will get in trouble for it and I don't want to deal with it, so I'm not going to tell them.
"Can I cuddle with Youngie," I asked quietly. They both nodded and moved to the side allowing Wooyoung to gently climb onto the bed. I shuffled over and he laid down, pulling me into his arms. I cuddled into him and snuggled my head into his shoulder, the comfort of my best friend soothing me a bit more.
"Am I allowed to sleep? I'm tired," I whispered.
"Of course Sannie. The doctors said you can get some sleep," Seonghwa nodded. I cuddled even closer to Wooyoung, if that's possible and I closed my eyes tightly, trying to block out what had happened and go to sleep.
"I've got you. You just get some rest," Wooyoung whispered. I nodded before eventually drifting off to sleep.
~~~~~
"Ok, you're all set to leave San-ssi," the doctor told me. I nodded and stood up, going to walk forwards but I suddenly got dizzy. My arm shot out and I quickly latched onto Mingi who was beside me, and he instantly grabbed my waist to stabilize me.
"San, Sannie," he called out to me. I just closed my eyes and leaned into him, waiting for the dizzy feeling to pass.
"He's probably getting quite dizzy. I'll get him a wheelchair so you can wheel him out so he doesn't feel worse," the doctor said.
"Thank you," I head Hongjoong reply. I stayed holding onto Mingi, keeping myself stable and relaxed. A few minutes later, the door opened and someone walked in.
"Sannie, I'm just gonna move you onto the wheelchair ok," Mingi said. I nodded into his chest and he lifted me gently, slowly lowering me into the wheelchair.
I was wheeled out of the hospital and then carried into the van. When we got back to the dorm, Yunho helped me from the van and picked me up.
"Wrap your legs around my waist and keep your hands around my neck," he told me. I nodded and did as he asked, holding on to him tightly. He carried me inside and over to our room, delicately placing me down on my bed.
"How're you feeling San," he asked me.
"I can't dance for a month, what do you think," I replied bitterly. I huffed but then I realised how rude I was and I backtracked.
"I'm sorry," I said quietly. He hasn't done anything wrong, he doesn't deserve me snapping at him. He sighed and sat down beside me placing his hand on my hair and gently running his fingers through it. It helped me relaxed, my muscles untensing as I leaned into the touch.
"It's gonna be ok San. It's just a month and then you'll be right back into it, doing amazing," he said with a small smile. I stayed quiet, thinking about what happened. I can't dance or perform for over a month, because I messed up a dance move and fell. A month for that. It's so stupid.
"Yunho-ya," I said quietly, receiving a hum in reply.
"Would you ever judge me for anything," I asked him.
"No, of course not," he said, shaking his head.
"I remembered how I hurt myself," I told him.
"How," he asked me. Well, here goes nothing.
"I was practicing in Practice Room D. I wanted to practice the flip in Wave a-."
"You what," he exclaimed.
"I was practicing Wave," I said.
"Alone," he questioned.
"Yeah. So, I grabbed those ballet bars we have in the laying in random places and I put one where you would stand and one where Seonghwa Hyung would be. I was practicing and I got it right a few times, but then I fell. I was halfway through the flip when I slipped and I hit my head. I'm pretty sure I threw up as well, and then everything else happened," I explained. He hadn't said anything else so I looked over at him, seeing he was frowning.
"Yunho," I said quietly. He's not, mad at me is he? I know I fucked up, but he said he wouldn't judge me.
"Wait here," he told me before getting up and leaving. Oh god, he's mad. He hates me. He isn't happy with me. He's going to think I'm stupid and useless. He's going to tell the other's and I'm gonna get kicked out for being incompetent. My heart started racing and I wrung my hands slightly. I can't let that happened, I need to stop him. I jumped out of my bed and rushed forwards towards my door. That didn't seem to be a good idea though, as I was hit with a wave of dizziness and I fell to the floor.
My vision blacked out and there was a sharp pain ripping through my skull. W-What's happening? I burst into tears and everything around me was either blacked out or blurry. I couldn't get my bearings and I couldn't remember what I was doing, where I was. I started to sob, crying out in fear. I heard the sound of a door swinging open and reached out, hoping someone was there. Not even a seconds later, a hand was in mine and I was pulled into someone's arms.
"It's ok baby, I've got you. You're safe darling," he whispered.
"H-Hyung. Wh-Where am I," I cried.
"You're in your room Sannie, in the dorm," Hongjoong replied softly. The dorm, my room, I'm ok. I took a deep breath, relaxing in his arms as my vision cleared and I was able to make out my surroundings. Ok, now I know where I am, but not what I was doing and why I'm on the floor.
"I-I don't remember what I was d-doing," I cried.
"Shh, that's alright, you hit your head yesterday so you're going to have some short term memory loss at times. Come here," he said gently. He lifted me off the floor and carried me over to my bed, placing me down softly. I sniffled and shuffled back before he helped me lay down and tucked my blanket in around me.
"There we go, nice and comfortable and warm," he said gently. He grabbed my hands in his and placed a soft kiss to my knuckles, making me calm down and stop crying.
"See, you're alright," he said. I nodded and clutched onto his hand for reassurance. I still can't remember what was happening, but that's alright, Hongjoong's here and he'll protect me. A few seconds later Yunho came back, this time with Wooyoung and Seonghwa. Wooyoung rushed over, running beside my bed, on the other side from Hongjoong.
"What happened," he asked hurriedly.
"I'm not sure. He must've fallen and then forgotten what he was doing. I heard him crying so I ran here," Hongjoong said.
"Speaking of. Yunho, why weren't you with him? You were supposed to be here with him to make sure he was alright and nothing happened," Hongjoong said. He was? Oh yeah. He brought me in here. But then he, just wasn't there. That's weird.
"I went to get you guys because San told me what happened," Yunho replied.
"I did? What did I tell you," I asked him.
"Well, you hit your head yesterday. No one was with you so no one knew what happened, Jongho just found you wondering the halls. You told me that you were in Practice Room D and you were practicing the wave dance, more specifically the flip in it," he said. Everyone's heads snapped to look at me. Oh crap. Why would I tell him that? They're just going to hate me.
"You used Ballet bars in place of Yunho and I and during one of the flips, you slipped and fell," he said. I was going to protest, speak up and explain myself, beg them not to be mad. But before I could, Hongjoong sighed and leaned forwards, hugging me tightly. He, hugged me? So, he isn't mad? It felt like a massive weight was lifted off my chest at the realisation and I started to cry once again.
"I'm sorry Hyung, I'm so sorry," I whimpered.
"You've got nothing to be sorry for Sweetie," he whispered, squeezing me softly. Nothing to be sorry for? I'm out for a month because I'm an idiot. That's a month they're going to have to suffer trying to figure things out because of me.
"I messed up Hyung. I messed up, and now I can't perform and you guys have to pay for it," I said sadly. Hongjoong quickly leaned down and placed a kiss to my forehead.
"You haven't done anything wrong San and I'm proud of you, so proud. Nothing could ever change that," he said firmly.
"Do you really mean that," I asked in a small voice, shocked by his words. He nodded in reply.
"No matter what, I'll always be proud. Especially with how hard working you are and how much talent you have," he said.
"I'm not learning quick enough. I just wanted to be better for you guys," I admitted. Hongjoong chuckled wetly and I realised he was crying as he hugged me. Why would he be crying?
"Sannie is Hyungs best boy," he whispered. I clenched my eyes closed tightly, fighting back a sob at his fond words.
"Thank you Hyung," I choked out.
"Y-You aren't mad," I asked worriedly.
"Not at all. None of us are mad at you," he told me.
"B-But I messed up," I said sadly.
"Sannie, look at me." Hongjoong leant back so I could turn to look at Seonghwa who sat down on the side of the bed.
"You didn't mess up at all alright. You were just trying hard to be as good as you be. You thought you weren't good enough and you wanted to be better," he said softly. Wow, way to look into my mind and hit me hard.
"I've felt that before Sannie. I know how you're feeling. All it takes is one thing to happen to set you off and suddenly you the worst thing in the world, you suck, you're such a burden. I know that feeling San," he whispered. I sniffled and wiped my eyes, grabbing his hand when he held it out to me.
"Whatever thoughts are in your head, telling you that, they're wrong. You aren't a burden San, and you certainly don't suck. If you had have been paying closer attention during practice to everyone, you would've seen that Jongho, Mingi and I were struggling a bit with the choreo as well," he told me. They were?
"It's got nothing to do with your abilities San. Some things are just harder to do, and given that we were struggling at that time, it's no surprise that we've forgotten some moves," he said, squeezing my hand softly.
"Are you sure," I asked quietly.
"Positive," he nodded.
"S-So I'm not a screw up," I asked quietly.
"Oh my god Sannie, please don't ever say that. You're amazing, and smart, and an incredible dancer jagi-ya," Wooyoung whispered, crawling next to me and hugging me tightly. He kissed my neck gently and I hugged him back, burying my face in his shoulder.
"Why don't you guys get some rest. The doctors said San will need to rest a lot and get plenty of sleep. And I figure you'll wanna stay with him," Hongjoong said. Wooyoung nodded and quickly laid us down, cuddling up to my side. I rested my head on his shoulder, nosing gently into his neck.
"We'll leave them be," Yunho said quietly. Seonghwa smiled gently at me and blew me a kiss before the three of them left the room.
"You get some sleep alright Sannie. I'll be right here with you when you wake up," Wooyoung said quietly.
"What if, what if I keep forgetting things," I asked nervously.
"Then we'll be here to remind you. It's fine Sannie, I promise you," he whispered.
"Ok," I nodded. He smiled and kissed my cheek before relaxing against me. I let out a breath and closed my eyes, letting the exhaustion take over and put me to sleep.
~~~~~
A month was long, and it was hard. I spent the first two weeks either staying in bed, or being helped around the house. The boys still practiced, but one person made sure to stay home with me. The only time I was allowed up, was to door really small bouts of physical therapy. I threw up a every couple of days, usually when I did something a bit more strenuous. There were apparently 3 more times when I had a confusion episode but the other's looked after me. Once was with Yeosang, another time with Mingi and the last time with Hongjoong yet again. After the two week mark, I was allowed to walk around, so I went out and watched the boys practice. I still wasn't allowed to practice or do much activity, but at least I could go and still watch. I had headaches a lot, but they were less frequent as time went by. The concert we were supposed to have, got cancelled until further notice. I felt bad, but the boys sat me down and read through over a hundred messaged from Atiny, all telling me to get better and that they'll wait as long as they to in order for me to feel better. It was nice, and it made me feel a lot better. Hongjoong said we would have the concert a few weeks after I get the all clear. Once the month was up, I was sent in to get re-evaluated by the doctor to see if I was actually able to dance again, then I was taken back to the dorm.
"I'm back," I said as I walked inside.
"Sannie! How did it go? Are you ok now? Can you dance again," Wooyoung asked me as he ran up and hugged me.
"Youngie stop. He may still be hurt," Yeosang called out. I chuckled and hugged Wooyoung gently.
"So Sannie, what's the verdict," Yunho asked as he and the other's walked over.
"I've been given the all clear. I'm allowed to dance again," I said with a grin.
"That's great San, I'm glad," Seonghwa said as the other's cheered. I looked over at Hongjoong, seeing him smiling gently at me.
"Don't hassle him you guys. Go get ready, we leave in an hour," Hongjoong said. Wooyoung let go of me and Yunho hugged me, before they all walked off, leaving me alone with Hongjoong. Hongjoong has been my biggest help throughout this month. He's been there when I needed them, helped me through my breakdowns, my headaches, my tears, he's done a lot. I hurried over to him and hugged him tightly, making him grunt at the force but he was quick to reciprocate the hug.
"Thank you Joongie Hyung," I whispered.
"I'm always here for you when you need me Sannie, no matter what," he replied quietly.
"I love you," I said quietly, burying my head in his neck.
"I know. And I know I don't say it much because it's not my kind of thing, but I love you too alright. You boys are the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I'd do anything to keep you safe," he replied, kissing the side of my head gently. Yeah, I'm never gonna get over soft Hongjoong Hyung.
A/N
Ok, so this wasn't actually requested by anyone, but I just had a random inspiration and thought, why not just write it.
Despite that, I really hope you guys enjoyed it and thank you for reading. It's one of my longer ones that I've done so I hope it didn't bore you too much