Song:
The Hand that Feeds (Nine Inch Nails)
"Will you bite the hand that feeds you?Will you stay down on your knees?"
OCTOBER 1980
T.W.: medication abuse (someone give this girl a break.)
"What are you looking at?"
Callisto raised her head from the newspaper she was holding. Tobias was looking over her shoulder curiously at the muggle newspaper, a cigarette between his lips. He always needed to have some sort of vice close by, according to Narcissa; either a cigarette, or a drink, or a small bag with white powder, or a guy, or a girl.
Something, anything.
"I'm looking for a new apartment. Remus is staying at my old one, and-"
"And what? Kick him out." He scoffed. "It's yours."
"I don't want to go back there." She admitted. "I'll just find a new apartment somewhere."
He didn't speak for a while, his gaze focused on the grounds stretched out in front of him. She didn't know what was more overpowering; the scent of smoke or the flowers Narcissa had planted in every corner of the mansion. She liked them. They did a good job at making the large manor a bit more home-like.
"Stay with me."
Callisto choked on her own saliva, letting out a cough. There was no way he had just proposed it. Her imagination was just out of control.
"Excuse me?"
"Stay with me." He repeated, blowing some smoke out. "I have an apartment in Westminster, but apparently, it's not good for me to stay alone. You need a place to stay, I need a roommate, it all checks out."
"Why can't you stay alone?"
"I get melancholic." He shrugged. "I'm not dirty, I promise."
"That sounds a lot like something a dirty person would say."
"I'll do your laundry and I can cook." He offered. "I'd say this is quite the catch. Plus, as a man, I'll protect you from... my Death Eater friends?"
Callisto let out a laugh. This was insane; the entire situation was completely bonkers. She had already gained a reputation for being controversial among the members of the Order, staying with a Death Eater would only make things worse.
Nobody watched out for her though.
Whether she had pushed the Marauders away, or they had pushed her away, the outcome was the same. She sat alone, occasionally exchanging a few words with James and Lily. They were the only ones to ask whether she was alright when she felt like throwing up from the alcohol, or had stood up for her when Alice behaved like a child.
Sirius avoided her. Peter sent her apologetic, tight-lipped smiles and she couldn't stand being in the same room as Remus.
"You know, there's this thing called 'cognitive dissonance.'." She absentmindedly said, reaching over for him to light her cigarette. "It's the stress that you feel when you have two contradictory ideas, or when there's new information that's contradictory to your beliefs, or if you have a contradictory belief, and action."
"Muggles made that up?" Callisto nodded. "Figures..."
"Well, right now, I'm very much feeling it."
"Let me make it easier for you then." He sighed. "Those people killed Regulus. I only kill enough not to make them suspicious. I only do what he wants, because I don't want to die, because I don't want Narcissa to go through losing another person, and because I hope that when this thing ends, I'll be able to live my life the way I want."
Callisto didn't speak.
"What I have a problem with is muggles. Halfbreeds of any sort, I couldn't care less about."
"And muggleborns?"
"Same thing." He shrugged. "My point is that this 'cognitive dissonance' you talk about, isn't an issue with us two. Besides, we've been over this. My loyalty lies with other people."
"He's dead."
His expression hardened. Maybe she had said too much, maybe she should have kept quiet.
"I feel it every day." Tobias coldly said. "You did me a solid one that day, Callie. Let me return the favor."
Maybe this was the answer to everything. She needed to move on, and that meant getting out of Narcissa's hair. She nodded, watching a small smile tugged the corners of his lips.
"No drugs in the apartment."
"No booze in the apartment."
~ ~ ~
"Sorry I was late." Callisto blurted out before Moody even had the chance to complain. Her smile felt slightly as she saw who she was training with, but she kept her composure, walking inside the room and taking her place next to James.
"What's gotten you so happy, Elpie?" James asked. "Made anyone cry today?"
"Sadly, no. But it's only 4.30."
"I see you've been slagging. Please, get on with it."
"Stop bullying her, James." Lily scolded. "Harassing people takes time and energy."
The comment about how their friend knew all about hurting people was on the tip of her tongue, but today was a good day. She wasn't going to let anyone take that away from her.
"Now, that everyone is here." Moody said, shooting her a pointed look. "It's time we discuss why I've called all of you here today."
Her smile immediately fell. This was supposed to be a training session, why was he switching it now?
"The Dark Lord has sent the Carrows into hiding." Moody started. "Not suspicious, unless you consider that someone broke into the Department of Mysteries a week ago."
"What could they want there?" Remus asked, his eyebrows furrowed.
Callisto turned to look at him. He didn't look that good, but then again he hadn't done so in more than a month. Served him right for being a prick. Maybe he would stop being handsome all together in a few weeks and she could laugh at his face.
How can one person look so fucking good, yet so tired?
No, stop thinking about it. He's ugly, and evil.
He dug into his pocket, pulling out a carton box. Her eyes widened in disbelief as she saw him take a cigarette from the box, and place it between his lips. They looked as soft as ever, and she could practically taste the nicotine off them as he lit it on fire. His cheeks hollowed out momentarily as he inhaled, his head resting back on the wall.
Fuck.
"Look at the brand." Her cheeks heated up at what James had whispered, a sly smirk on his lips.
"I don't care."
"Then why are you drooling?" James asked, slapping the back of her head. "Get over yourself and look at the brand."
"He can smoke fucking crack for all I care."
"Winston's, you stubborn bitch." He hissed, her jaw clenching in frustration. "That's what he smokes. Ever heard of it?"
How dare he? How dare he smoke her cigarettes? What was his problem anyway? Why couldn't he go and try every single brand on his own, or ask the vendor to get him the cheapest packet like all normal human beings, and instead he chose to smoke hers?
"He misses you, that's why." James whispered. "He can't get you out of his head, and he's been smoking like a train engine, because it's the only thing that keeps his nerves in check."
"Maybe he should see a therapist."
"Maybe, he should get a pair of balls first, but okay." He murmured to himself.
"Are you two even listening?" Moody asked, turning to look at them both.
"No."
"Fuck's sake..." He huffed, rubbing his forehead. "Change of plans. Lupin, you go with Claire. Potter, you go with Black."
She had to bite down on her cheek to stop herself from cursing him right at that moment. When she turned to glance at Remus, he was already looking at her, an unreadable expression in his eyes. He almost looked sad, even regretful.
You're fucking delusional.
No, he couldn't have been regretful. His lips tugged up in a small smile. It was barely there, but to her, it was sick. What game was he playing? It truly felt as if he was playing with her head, smiling at her like that. She didn't smile back, turning back to the front.
Thinking about it, it was more likely that he had gotten a stroke and his lips got stuck in that position.
"Do you want to grab a coffee with us?" Lily asked. She would have said no, hadn't it been for that look in her eyes.
Put the poor woman out of her misery...
"Where?"
"Home." She responded. "We haven't seen you in a long time."
"We?"
"Us two."
"Yeah, okay." She nodded. "I'll just have to send an owl from your place. I don't know where I'm apparating to."
"Callisto."
Her heart stopped beating the moment she heard her name tumbling from Remus' lips. That explained why Lily's expression had gotten slightly detached, or why James seemed on edge.
They're expecting you to blow up like the lunatic you are.
"Yes?" Her voice came out steady, calm. It seemed to take him aback too. He was probably expecting her to slap him or curse him at the very least.
"Moody said he'll send me the details about the mission." Why was he looking at her like that? It made her self-conscious, as if there was something wrong with her face. "Eh... can you give me your address, so I can owl them to you?"
"No."
"What?"
"Moody's owl will have to do one extra trip. I'm in hiding, remember?"
"But, I-"
"I don't trust you." She replied, trying not to smirk as his expression fell even more. It almost looked as if tears had started to form in his eyes, his voice breaking when he spoke again.
"Callisto, I wouldn't betray you..."
"I have the right not to trust you." She repeated more sternly. "What? Are you going to cry? God, you're pitiful..."
It was a sick sort of satisfaction she was feeling. He was repeating the exact same words he had said to her, and now he was the one feeling it all.
"Have a lovely day, Remus."
She took her bag from the chair she was sitting on and followed James and Lily out of the room. None of them had spoken, yet the atmosphere was thick around them. They felt awkward, she could tell. Callisto was in the right, but Remus had been their friend for as long as they could remember. They were stuck in the middle, no matter how much they agreed with her.
"Did he say that to you?"
"Yes."
"I'm sorry..."
"I'm not." She shrugged, taking Lily's hand as they apparated out of the Headquarters.
~ ~ ~
Can you please come pick me up from the Camden Market instead?
-C.C.
"What did you mean when you said you don't know where you'll apparate?" Lily asked, handing her a mug of coffee. Callisto tore her gaze away from the owl flying in the night sky. Tobias was probably still in the Ministry, and Narcissa had already helped him transport her stuff to his apartment that morning, while she was at the Headquarters.
"I found a roommate." She replied. "First night at the new house and all... I don't know the exact address."
"Where?"
"Westminster."
"Told you it would be somewhere bougie." James teased, turning to look at Lily. "Who's the roommate? Anyone from Hogwarts?"
"Yes."
"Who?"
"Just a friend."
"The only friends you had were us." Lily stated. "And Narcissa, who's married and Regulus, who is... well, not your roommate."
"I asked him if he wanted to, but he said there's not enough space for both of us."
Merlin, that was dark.
Lily laughed, while James was deep in thought. That was until his eyes lit up with recognition, and he let out a groan.
"Please, tell me you're not crashing with Nott."
"I'm not crashing with Nott."
"Please, don't lie."
"You can pick one then." She smirked, drinking some of her coffee. "I either tell you I'm not crashing with Nott, or I tell you the truth."
"Come stay with us, Callie." Lily urged, putting a hand on her shoulder. "You're not a burden, and we already have a spare room."
"I'd rather stay away from Lupin, thanks."
"He doesn't live here."
"No, but the aura is off. There's Lupin aura in the room."
"Lupin aura?"
"Yes, it's... desperate and backstabbing." She smiled, anger blazing in her eyes as she sipped on her coffee.
"I can tell he regrets it." Lily insisted. "I don't know why he said all that stuff to you, but he didn't mean it. Something else is going on. He's pushed everyone away."
She shrugged, "It sucks to be him, I guess."
"Callisto."
"Lily!" She said back, feigning enthusiasm. "Oh, relax, darling. I'm sure he'll be just fine. He has quite the support system."
"Who he truly needs, is you."
"Why? Because I brew him his potion?" She asked. "As they say, what you send, comes back times three."
"You're cutting him off completely? Callisto, you can't do that to him. Don't stoop that low..."
"Watch me."
"How would you feel if he did the same thing to you?" James pressed, his tone pleading. It felt as if he was trying to smack sense back into her head, and she didn't like it one bit. "If you had a fight, and then he just decided to stop giving you your medication?"
"That wouldn't happen. Do you know why?" She retorted, letting the mug down. "Because unlike him, I wouldn't bring his condition into the argument. Because I may be everything he said, but at least I'm not a fucking snake."
Lily's eyebrows furrowed in confusion, "Wait, what-what do you mean he brought the condition into the argument? Sirius never said anything about that."
"I didn't tell him." She scoffed. "He said that he doesn't see this going anywhere, because we couldn't have a family with my condition."
"No, Moony would never-"
"Well, he did." She interjected. "I'm not brewing the potion for him, and that's the end of this discussion."
"Look, I know what he did is fucked up, but he needs it." James pleaded. "Please, just brew him the potion and never talk to him again, if you wish so. Don't stoop that low."
She let out a laugh; bitter and hurt.
"He doesn't get to walk away from this and live his life as if he did nothing wrong."
"You will regret this, you know."
"Not as much as he will."
"Have you ever felt one ounce of guilt for the people that you've hurt in your life? Because, I doubt it. And that, my darling, is what makes you a complete nutcase and why I can't stand you anymore. You don't think, you just react, and when you do it, it's out of proportion."
Maybe he had been right all along.
~ ~ ~
"Why the long face, princess?"
"Why are you calling me princess?"
"Because you look like one." He said, as they walked to the apartment. "If you looked like a frog, I'd call you a frog. If you looked like a rat, I'd call you a rat. Looks like a princess, talks like a princess, must be a princess."
"You're fucking weird."
"Made you smile, so it's alright." He shrugged, opening the door. "Now, there's two bedrooms, a single bathroom and I got one of those muggle hammocks people have in their gardens, but I put it in the kitchen."
Callisto gasped, "You're kidding."
"No, I'm not."
"That's cool as shit, dude!" She exclaimed, going up the stairs. "Come on, faster! I want to see the hammock!"
The apartment was better than what she had expected. It was spacious, but felt homey in a sense. Narcissa had put vases with flowers on every single table, and the hammock was just as cool as she had imagined, right next to the fridge. The bedrooms were right next to each other, only separated by a wall.
"So, what do you think?"
"The hammock really did it for me." She joked. "You should have led with that."
"How mature of you." he smirked. "You don't laugh at dick jokes because you're 'old', but you get excited for a hammock."
"Don't make fun of me."
"I wouldn't dream of it." He sighed. "Are you hungry?"
"No, I'm kind of tired actually."
"Well, then goodnight, princess."
She had locked herself in her room, too overwhelmed by the buzzing in her head to hold a conversation with him. At first, at least she had something to do to distract herself. She had sent a letter to Moody with her address, and he had replied immediately with the instructions for the mission. It seemed insignificant, despite how important everyone said it was.
Was she the only one that felt that way?
Of course she cared about the missions. She wanted them to succeed, because it would bring them one step closer to winning the war. The issue was that the buzzing in her head, that crippling fear that something was going to go even worse, didn't allow her to think straight.
Why had she agreed to having no alcohol in the house?
She was tired, so fucking tired, but she couldn't sleep. Her head wouldn't shut up, if just wouldn't leave her alone. She hadn't brought any of her potions with her, and she doubted Tobias had muggle sedatives lying around in the house.
Still, she got up and headed to the bathroom, looking through the drawers.
Nothing, absolutely nothing.
She settled for the next best thing. The pill bottle was heavier than usual in her hand. She poured four pills in her palm and quickly downed them, waiting for them to take effect. In the past, she would have worried about how many she should take all together, and if she was completely honest, maybe four pills was too much, but she couldn't put up with the thoughts anymore.
The effect was almost instant, her vision blurring over as she pulled the covers over her.
~ ~ ~
James my beloved <3
His friendship with Callisto is so underrated, but one of my faves.
Take a shot every time Callisto has an unhealthy coping mechanism. Actually don't, because you only have one liver.
Idk about you, but I love Tobias. I have a feeling you my lovely readers will turn out to love him too.
And those are my thoughts for this chapter.