(TW: self harm)
If you missed the first warning at the beginning of the book, please be weary when progressing with the story past this point.
Taking a sandwich from the cafeteria I don't really feel like eating anything right now but I need to. I've skipped breakfast, lunch and dinner for the past two days. But I've still been going to cheer training so the numbers on the scale started shifting. Losing weight isn't what I need right now.
Taking a deep breath as I wedge myself between Elaine and I, on and the edge of the table, she shoves her stuff to the side after clamping her hand mirror shut. Trying to make my sudden appearance as natural as I can manage, I feel like that only drew more attention to me. There was more than enough space on the opposite side of her body for me to sit but I wasn't very appealed of the idea of Jasmine having space to sit besides me.
'Where have you been for the past two days? I haven't seen you in class,' she rubs her ring finger across her lips as if to blend some sort of balm or gloss, I can't really tell. 'Cute hair though, it's new but it suits your face,'
Giving her a half smile, I brush my hair behind my ear. I kept the Dutch braids in for both Monday and Tuesday so when I took them out today my hair was wavier than my usual. It looks like I took my time to curl it but I really didn't. My daily routine would consist of straighten it until it it's flatter than paper but I couldn't find the motivate or urgency to do it this morning so I left it as is.
Looking up to properly see Jasmine and Colton walking over with their lunch trays. They seem to have been talking which makes my stomach drop. After I saw her kiss him at Jacobs party I didn't even bother waiting it out. My heart was being ripped in two with a sledgehammer and I couldn't be there anymore or even eat my fucking lunch. He was never loyal to whatever we where, but with Jasmine?
Ouch.
'Lilah?' Colton seems a little surprised to see me which is fair enough since I haven't shown up in a few days. The only communication I had with him this week is when he looked at me in bio yesterday.
Making eye contact with Jasmine she sits directly next to Colton which ticks me off. I know I have no right to be pissed off but I save myself the embarrassment by looking at the opposite end of the table where some of the guys seem to be debating over something with the other girls.
Forcing my attention back to my surrounding people when I feel a body at me side, I'm forced down the table. Bringing my things with me, I look over to see Zayn looking down on me. 'She makes an appearance? It's been so many years, I was beginning to miss you,' His comment is sarcastic but it's inherently friendly so I can't help but smile.
'But look at her.' I frown when Jasmine interjects before I can reply to him, 'she looks exhausted. What were you even doing?'
'I was studying.' I mumble under my breath to avoid receiving anymore attention then I want but her comment only seems to spark conversation with the people around me.
'Are you sure? You look a little pale,' Zayn pinches my arm so I pull it away. He was doing so well but now he's only making it worse. Deciding not to poke at him for it, I don't think he means any harm.
'You didn't brush out your hair either? It isn't as straight as usual,' Jasmine makes another unnecessary comment. Staring at her I don't see why she's being so picky all of a sudden. If anything I should be picking at her for fucks sake.
'Well actually Elaina said—' I try to talk back but Elaina speaks over me.
'Oh my gosh that's literally what I said,' Elaina looks at Jasmine and my heartbeat freezes. Glancing over to her she doesn't look back at me. Not even once.
'You think so too right Colton?' Jasmine looks over at him but I just poke my finger into my inner arm. I should've sat at the opposite end of the table. I'm not in the mood for her bullshit and I don't even know how I even got along with her before this. Was she always even like this? How the fuck did I not notice. It's not like he's going to agree with her either, he never does. He always tells her to leave me alone or he'll just agree with me to end it off. It was so obvious why she was doing this yet I never picked up on her obsession with him.
'She's right...your hair does look a little wavey,' Colton agrees which shatters me. I'm not upset over the dumb hairstyle, I just didn't expect him to side with her so easily. Glancing towards Jasmine she even looks surprised but the look is quickly washed away with satisfaction, 'you should-,'
'You know what I'm not really hungry.' I cut him off. I'm practically chewing on my words at this point, 'I'll see you guys in class.'
'Lilah. At least eat a little bit of—' surprised when Colton seems to care, it oddly enough upsets me. The amount of time I spent crying because he ended whatever the fuck he was dragging between us by saying text me if I have any questions, fucking hurts.
Making my way out of the cafeteria I try my hardest to keep my breath steady. Maybe it's because I'm fucked up right but I feel so distanced from them. I didn't know what to talk about or what to say and I honestly felt targeted sitting there. If I stayed there they might've gone for my freckles or green eyes or anything that makes me, me.
Dumping my sandwich into the trash can, I exit the cafeteria doors and head straight to the bathroom. Usually no one goes there during break which is fair because most people would want to be with their friends who aren't in their classes. These lunch breaks are almost all the free time people truly have. That's how I used to be with Colton at least, he could never get into my classes given that he's a senior.
Opening the bathroom door I walk in and look in the mirror. A little startled to see the glossy coat framing my eyes, I didn't even notice so I wipe the tears away but my eyes are still red.
'Fuck,' I mumble so I enter a stall to avoid any awkward confrontation. Locking the door I flinch when I hear the bathroom doors swing open.
Staying quiet I hear the sound of flats clicking on the bathroom floor. 'She seriously like walked out.'
'It's because Colton agreed with you,' I recognize Elaina's voice.
'Well they aren't dating so I don't understand why she got all pissed about it.' Jasmine turns the tap on to assumably wash her hands. For a second I thought she might've came in here to look for me but I guess not.
'I mean they technically broke up so he owes her nothing now.' Jasmine shrugs it off. She really doesn't seem to care huh? I almost feel stupid for calling her my best friend because 'best friends' don't say that behind their friends back.
'I guess...but they did just break up,' Elaina doesn't seem to agree as much which almost makes me feel bad. I never payed as much effort into my friendship with her yet she's being way more loyal than the person I did pay attention too. Except that fact that she lied about disliking my hair back then for attention. That hurt me a little bit.
'I also see that as a win for me,' Jasmine keeps talking for some fucking reason, 'I don't think you realize how long I've been wanting to talk to Colton for.'
That's the last thing I hear her say since both of them end up leaving the bathroom. I sit there for a couple minutes feeling like an idiot. Every time I've confided in her and she told me to just break things off with him it was never in my favor. She was just trying to get me out of the way so she can get to him.
As selfish as it sounds I wish Colton had pretended up until he graduated then he broke up with me because I don't know what I should do now. The only good thing is that summer is in two weeks and then I won't have to be here anymore.
Leaning my back against the door I slide down. I'm so fucking done with everything thing and at this point I don't know what to do. I want out on everything because I've tried it all because it all fucking sucks.
Adjusting myself in the floor I notice I'm sitting on something in my hoodie pocket so I take it out to realize it's my sharpener. Fuck.
Stuffing it back into my pocket I take deep breaths, distractions always help. One. Two. Three. Four.
'Five,' I mumble to myself as I take out the sharpener. Biting the protective plastic off I cut my lip but I ignore it. Once it's off and I only have the blade I hold it tightly in my hand.
Pulling up my bike shorts they're already slight bruises so I find somewhere they isn't. Finding a free stop I slice across and wince at the pain. When I'm satisfied I grab a tissue from the toilet paper dispenser and wipe the blade before putting it back in my pocket.
Watching the blood from my leg it feels like all the stress is pouring out with it. It's like letting air out when you've been holding it in and it's exactly what I fucking needed. I wish I could say I didn't do this before Colton and it was all because of him but it's not. I used to do this way before him but not to this extent. It was so faint that I could comfortably wear a swimsuit and no one would notice. Now wearing one is completely out of the question.
'Shit,' I whine as I cup my face in my hands. I have to live not only for the rest of this year but another one in the hellhold before I can graduate.
I want to be a mental health nurse when I graduate. My motivation is to help other people as fucked up as me since no one was there to help me. I could get help but they'd throw me in a mental health hospital if I was honest with them but that's not what I want. I want someone who'll listen to me without having to tip-toe around what I'm saying or they'll take me away.
I just want help.
Getting up off the ground I pull my bike shorts down and ignore the pain of them tights squeezing against my cut. It's the last thing I care about right now, since I don't know if I should be angry or upset.
Brushing my hair over my shoulders I try to leave the bathroom stall before kicking something. Looking down I see a spray can, I pick it up and turn to the wall to see there's a label.
Pausing, an idea pops up in my head.
Turning to leave, I exit the bathroom and head down the hallway. Checking behind me every ten seconds to make sure I'm not spotted by a teacher I hear the bell go off.
Even more excited I jog down the hall until I see locker J-34. Trying to unlock it, it's locked so I kick at it. Doing it over and over, people begin exiting the classrooms and it's not soon untill I've gotten peoples attention but I don't care. Continuing to kick the locker until the door comes out I throw it to the ground. Shaking the spray can and begin spraying everything inside.
Hearing whispers from the people surrounding me I pull out a Pink metallic water bottle and spray that too. Since this is Jasmines locker and I know she would fucking hate for me to ruin it. That and I'm the one who bought it for her.
'What the hell?' I hear a familiar voice from the people around me so I look over. Seeing it's Jasmine I can't help but smile at her frustration. 'What are you doing?!'
'Oh shit...is this your locker?' I gasp sarcastically which gains a couple laughs from the people watching. 'I didn't even realize.'
'Are you out of your fucking min-,' she raises her voice but I calmly interrupt her.
'Actually,' I put a finger up to my mouth, 'let's play a game...how about a treasure hunt?'
Walking a safe distance towards her I shake the can. Aiming it towards her I spray a big X across her from her shoulders to thighs. Watching as her mouth drops, I give her a bright smile before turning around to the people circled around us.
'Lets put a big X on the bitch! Everyone who's been personally victimized by her—make some noise.' I woo which makes everyone break into laughter. Turning back to her she's completely red and looks like she's about to fight me any second. 'You know what? Let's start with your personal favorite aye?'
'Colton! Colton where are you~,' I tease which makes people laugh, 'you really have a thing for peoples exes don't you.'
'Why are you mad at me for him breaking up with you.' She bites back at me, 'it's my my fault you have the same personality with a rock.'
Stunned I try to hide the fact that what she said hurt me. 'I know you aren't talking about personality right now. God, talking to you is like watching paint dry. I'd need more hands than they are people in this world to count how many times you've gotten on peoples nerve.'
Seeing her face grow red she swings at me and slaps me across the face. Hearing people gasp I notice a few people start recording and I take that as my cue to shove her back.
Getting prepared to fight her I don't have a single fighting bone in my body but if it's Jasmine I can take her any fucking day. She swings to punch me this time but I put my hands up in a cross to block it. Nothing hits me so I look up to see Alex holding her arm.
'Let's not hurt one another physically okay?' He looks at her before looking at me, 'are you joking right now Lilah? Vandalizing?'
'I really don't give a fuck.' I narrow my eyes at him but he just looks at me with a disappointed look which softens my glare.
'You little sh—' Jasmine tries to yell at me for one of the many reasons she has to be angry but she's cut off by the sound of an older woman.
'What is going on here? All of you are supposed to be in your class—' Principal Carson shoves through the crowd and pauses when she sees us. She doesn't say anything for a while and just looks at the locker then at us. 'You three. Come with me right now.'
'He didn't have anything to do with—' I try to save Alex since I don't want him to get into any shit for my own actions. He was just trying to help and meant no actual harm, unlike me.
'All of you. Class.' She clicks her fingers aggressively so everyone decides to comply since they'd be nothing to watch anymore. 'And I don't care about 'who isn't involved' if I see three people being huddled by at least four classes of people, I want to talk to all three of those people.'
Frowning I don't look at Alex since I don't want to feel worse than I already do. I should've stayed in that fucking bathroom.