TW!! this chapter mentions self harm, it doesn't go into too much detail but it's heavy and I advise anyone who gets triggered by that not to read.
Delilah Lavigne
I'm scared.
The only time I've ever been truly scared was when my father did what he did. Every night, like clockwork, he would come into my room at 10:00pm. My mother was sleeping in their room next to mine and he would open my door that creaked with terror. The horrific creaking sound was the realization of what he was going to do again.
Tour starts in four days. We have a mission in three. Robbing a bank—classic.
After the mission we go to Luca to bring him the money we collect. That's when I'm supposed to snoop. As if it's that easy.
I feel very overwhelmed. I have to stay in touch with Enzo every day and tell him what I'm doing that day and if it consists of meeting with Luca. He doesn't know I'm going on tour with them.
So I have two days to find this ring and report it to Enzo. Harry finding out is my biggest fear. I don't want him to think I'm the enemy but I'm doing this so we can be free. The guys more than me. As long as they get out of this, then I win.
I decided I'd rather snoop than try to get information for Harry or any of the guys. Actively lying to them is not an option.
Guilt eats at you in the worst way possible. It's probably the worst feeling in the world.
Harry and the guys asked me to explain what happened that night and I left Jade to do the talking so I didn't say anything that I shouldn't.
Wanna know who conveniently wasn't there throughout the entire night? Take a guess.
I sort of asked her to leave the part out where Enzo asked us to work with him and that he was apart of the reason we were taken. She understood that I wanted that because I said I didn't want Harry to find him and do something bad. But that clearly wasn't the reason.
So, she said we were taken to an underground bunker and it was pitch black so we never saw who took us. When they asked how we got out she said one of them left it unlocked so we ran.
Pretty believable, right?
After all of it went down and we were finally back home, Jade left with Niall and didn't talk to me or anyone else for three days.
I don't blame her, she was taken because of me. If she wasn't there that night then she wouldn't have been involved.
Apparently the men that Enzo said she lunged at were guards and they were strong. One of them slapped her across the face and their hands were covered in rings so it sliced her on the cheek.
I feel like a burden. Everyone who I come in contact with just gets taken down with me. I've become guarded because of what I've been through but it's not a good thing. I'm hurting Harry just by being with him. I'm hurting Jade just by being friends with her. All the guys have to go through so much just to keep me safe. I hurt Amara.
They were all doing just fine without me, once I came along everything was just—ruined.
The whole world feels like it's crumbling down around me. Filled with all my secrets, trauma, lies, people I've hurt and people who have hurt me. There's so much I keep built up within me that is just waiting to explode.
But it's not the whole world that's crumbling—it's just mine.
I set the pen down in my journal that's sat against my bent knees and close the book.
Gazing my eyes to the left lays Harry's sleeping body, he's lying on his stomach with his head turned away from me and towards the windows. The dark night creeps through the open curtains but the stars shine bright in the sky.
I take a deep breath and check the clock beside me on the night stand. 2:00am.
I cross my arms over my stomach and lean my head against the headboard—shutting my eyes and focusing on Harry's loud breathing to match mine to his.
Sitting in the same position for god knows how long, I open my eyes again and groan in frustration. I dangle my feet off of the bed before turning around to Harry to see him peacefully sleeping and I smile at the sight.
I push myself off the bed to stand up and quietly walk towards the bathroom door.
Flicking the light on once I enter, the bright light makes my eyes squint. I walk over to the sink and turn the water on. I feel the cold water with my finger first before cupping it in my hands and splashing it on my face.
The coldness makes me exhale a breath as a reaction.
Do it.
I open my eyes and look at myself in the mirror in confusion.
Am I hearing things?
Do it.
The voice repeats again. I turn around and scan the bathroom.
You know you want to.
My eyes widen, recognizing that voice in my head. "No no no go away. Please not right now." I whisper and put my hands over my ears.
You said it yourself. Guilt is eating at you. So fix it.
I take my hands off my ears and turn back around to my reflection, "I'm not doing that. You're not getting to me this time."
It won't get better until you do what needs to be done. Just get it over with.
My chest starts rising and falling in a fast manner. I can't breathe. "Please just go away." I plead.
I never left. I've always been here, stuck in your head and reminding you of what you've done.
I shake my head with my eyes pinched shut, "I didn't mean to do it." I grip the counter for reassurance that I'm not dreaming.
We both know that's a lie. You did it to save yourself, you're selfish. Do it!
It screams at me—surrounding my ears and filling the entire bathroom.
I flinch at the loud screeching voice inside my head telling me what I need to do.
My hands shake as they grip the counter as hard as they can making my knuckles turn white. A drip of wetness falls on my fingers—I look up at the mirror only to realize that I'm crying.
Now is your chance. You have to do it.
I glare at myself in the mirror and nod, "I have to do it."
Pushing myself off the counter I crouch down to meet the cabinet under the sink. I hid it down here.
I slide it open and search through bags of makeup that I hid it in. "Come on I know you're in here." My jaw tightens and my teeth clench together.
"Found you." I sigh and pull it out of the bag, holding it in the air in front of my eyes.
I stand back up and take one last glance in the mirror. "You can do this." I reassure myself as tears fall out of my bloodshot eyes.
I unzip my sweater and throw it to the ground. My shaky fingers grip the blade tightly, hesitantly putting it against my arm.
"It will be over soon." I close my eyes calmly and take a deep breath.
The sharp blade presses against my fragile skin covered in scars inside and out.
In one quick motion, I add another to the pile.
My eyes fly open and stare down at what I just did.
That's not enough.
It's back. It's louder than before.
I move to a different clean spot. One with no marks on it, only surrounding.
Pressing it down even harder— I go through with the quick motion that eases everything.
The blade falls out of my hands and makes a clinging sound against the tiled floor. A screech leaves my mouth as I hold onto my arm.
All I feel is pain right now. It didn't work.
Dots start to cover my vision and I stumble backwards, trying to catch my balance.
Blood drips down onto the floor below me and covers my hand.
"Delilah?" Harry's muffled voice calls out to me from the bedroom.
My chest heaves trying to find my breath. It echoes along the walls.
A knock at the door interrupts the noises of my breathing fit, "Hey, you in there baby?"
I just stand there in front of the bathroom mirror holding my arm—holding my mistake, trying to find my breath. Everything around me starts getting hazy, my legs feel weak. My vision clouded by blue dots.
The door opens, Harry stands there with a hand on the doorknob and the other hanging by his side, "Delilah? What happened?!"
"Harry, I don't feel good—" My legs give out. I almost hit the floor but Harry catches me before it happens.
"Baby tell me what happened! You're bleeding!" He grabs my sweater in one hand and my arm in the other, "Shit." He mutters under his breath while wrapping the bunched sweater around my wrist.
My eyes stare above me at the bright lights on the ceiling, my body lays between Harry's legs and my head rests on his stomach.
His voice telling me to keep my eyes open soon gets drowned out, the only thing I hear is a ringing in my ears. Then I shut my tired eyes.
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
this chapter was heavy. i am in no way trying make SH seem like an aesthetic or use it just as a plot for my story. many people, including myself, deal with or have dealt with self harming. it's not something to be glamorized and I want to bring more attention to the pain it causes to not only yourself but loved ones around u. Delilah's character struggles a lot mentally and has gone through a shit ton. in different ways i see myself in her (she's not based off of me) and this is one of those things. i made it through that part of my life and I hope anyone who's reading this and goes through it does as well. this is to only prove that anyone around u can be hurting, so please be nice, listen when they need to talk, be there for them and comfort them. you never know the demons within <3