Everyday straight I had been visiting Jake in the hospital. Spending as much time as I could with him. I brought him food from home and I helped feed him even though I knew his hands were working.
Jake's friends had also been visiting and they've asked millions on questions on what happened to Jake but I couldn't tell them it was my fault. I didn't want them to hate me even when I know they would. They tried talking to me but I was in my shell again. My wall was so high and sturdy and the only person who I would allow to penetrate that wall would be Jake.
The doctor has asked him not to speak so he wouldn't rip the stitches he had and I was surprised he lasted this long. Normal Jake wouldn't have lasted this long. He liked talking, I smiled at that thought. I was currently sitting by his bed, holding his hand and just staring at him. The bandages on his face were not as much as the first day he was admitted. He just had a particularly large bandage on his right cheek.
The doctor also informed me that he wouldn't have scars and I was relieved. I didn't want to be constantly reminded of what I had done.
I wasn't wearing bandages anymore. My wounds had healed. I was only left with white lines lining my wrist but I was happy. I made sure to cover up when his friends come over.
I haven't been aware of who had brought me to the hospital. My nurse had told me that the person wanted to remain anonymous and he had cleared my medical bills. I didn't know who would be kind to do that but I was grateful. It was currently 2am and I wasn't given permission to stay with Jake for this long but my nurse -God bless her soul- had gotten permission for me.
Jake was the one who had insomnia but it was me who couldn't sleep. I often thought back to what happened at my apartment. I could have sworn that I saw my stepfather but how did Jake get there. Was my mind just deceiving me? Was he never there?
I was brought out of my thoughts by someone running their hands through my hair. Jake was awake and he was smiling at me.
"Hi." I said, feeling a little shy. He gently caressed my cheeks but I pulled away. He frowned at that. I walked away from him and brought out the sandwiches that I had packed for him and sat by his bed again.
"How are you feeling?" I asked as I was unpacking his food. He still had that frown on his face and I gave him a tight smile to try to ease his worry.
"Are you okay?" I heard his beautiful voice. He was clearly feeling much better right now. I looked at him and the worry and look of concern was enough to make me cry. The guilt came back, slamming into me like I was a dummy on a race car track. Tears gathered in my eyes and I turned away, wanting to get away but before I could leave, he held my arm.
He was seating up in the bed, looking extremely worried about me, but with a bandage that covered half his face, I remembered what I did. What I did to the only person that has ever cared about me. My father didn't care enough to stay, my stepfather hated me and my mother no matter how many times she claimed she cared, she clearly didn't. Jake was the only one that cared and here I was... hurting him.
I collapsed in his arms and he held me, stroking my hair and whispering that it was alright. I kept apologizing. I was saying that I was sorry over and over again.
"Shh. Jenny. It's alright."
"No. No it isn't. I'm sorry I did this to you." I cried into his chest as he was rubbing my back. I held him so tight trying to convince myself that he was real and he was here and he was okay.
"It's okay. It's okay." He whispered
"I just... I thought h-he was there and I panicked. I-I saw him. He was right outside and then you– I'm sorry!"
"...Hold on, Jenny. Slow down... you saw who?"
I looked up at him with wide eyes, catching my mistake. Was I really ready to tell him about my past? About everything? About what shaped me into this horrible, suicidal human being. He's done so much for you. The least you can do is tell him the truth. My subconscious told me.
"Who did you see outside Jenny?" He asked, holding me back by my shoulders and looking into my eyes in confusion.
"My stepfather." I said, feeling ashamed.
"Your stepfather?" He said looking totally lost. I sighed. It's now or never. He deserves the truth.
"Jake, I want to tell you the truth."
He seemed to know what I was talking about. He looked a little worried. "Everything?"
"Everything." I said, "If you decide that you don't want anything to do with me after that, I'll respect your decision."
I think telling someone else (preferably Jake) about her experiences will make her feel better. What do you think?
Who's one person you'll never hide anything from no matter how bad?