Insanely loud music blasts through the walls accompanied by a cacophony of laughter and chatter. The flickering lights dance like an asynchronous tango of blinding flashes that leave a haze of color in one's vision. The entirety of the place is covered in a hue of dark blues and reds, purples and yellows, pulsating with the beats.
Sumasabay ang kabog ng dibdib ko sa ritmo ng mga tugtog, at halos wala na akong maaninag ng maayos dahil sa pagsayaw ng ilaw dito sa club. It is a Friday night, at kitang kita kung gaano ka puno ang club. Ang dancefloor na nasa harapan ko lamang ay nagmimistulang karagatan ng mga taong nagsasayawan at nakikiindak sa bagsak ng musikang unti unti akong binibingi.
I crane my neck as I look around, watching everything around me with a calculative gaze. In front of me is the massive dancefloor that is occupied by a sea of partially, if not fully, intoxicated people. Sa bandang kanan ko naman ay kita ko ang bar area kung saan malapit ang mga banyo at ang emergency exit.
At least alam ko na kung saan ako didiretso kung sakaling maisipan kong pumuslit.
I'm starting to regret my decision.
I mean, for many, clubbing is definitely fun. Inaamin ko namang exciting at talaga naman nakakaaliw, but I really don't think it's for me. O baka lang dahil hindi ako sanay sa ganitong mga eksena.
In fact, this is my first time in a club, sa Valkyrie pa in BGC. At hindi pa kami nag-iisang oras dito ay nangangati na akong umuwi.
"Ano ba naman kayo, loosen up!"
Halos di na marinig ang boses ni Demi nang nilapitan nya kami ni Ada sa table. Napapikit ako sa kinang ng damit nya habang tinatamaan ito ng mga ilaw. She was wearing a silver sequined dress that swayed at her every move. Not to mention, it's extremely short. Nababahala ako lagi tuwing umuupo siya or when she bends down. Parang konting galaw lang ay mababalandra na ang buong pagkatao niya.
I pulled her skirt lower as she sits beside me, earning a groan from her as she rolls her eyes.
"I want to go home na," sambit ko at agad naman pinandilatan ng kaibigan.
She pins her mid-length hair behind her ears and turns to me.
"Celeste! Akala ko ba you want to experience stuff like this? Ikaw kaya tong nagrant at how inexperienced you are with these kind of things? Kaya nga tayo nandito diba? For you to try? Para naman kayong ewan."
"Demi, we want to experience nga, oo, pero hindi naman namin inexpect na dito mo agad kami dadalhin. Akala ko ba pinagusapan na natin na we'll start small?" Saad ni Ada from beside me, leaning over the table para mapalapit kay Demi.
Demi only rolls her eyes. "Well, you said you want to experience mag bar, right? Eh saan pa ba kaayo makakakuha ng full experience but here," sabi nya, itinataas pa ang mga kamay na parang ipinipresenta ang kabuoan ng bar.
"Ginusto niyo kaya 'to," she says. "Gusto niyo ma experience? Pwes, experience!" She grabs a bottle of liquor from across the table and starts pouring it in our glasses. "Off niyo muna ang pagiging good girls niyo," sambit niya habang isa-isang pinapasa sa amin ang mga baso.
"Reklamo ka ng reklamo na wala kang jowa, eh masyado ka kasing good girl," inirapan pa ako nito, bago ako inudyok na tunggain ang baso.
My face morphs into distaste as I feel the burning liquid course through my throat. Ang tapang naman masyado ng inorder ni Demi na alak. I guess she's too invested with having us experience these things.
When we proposed to her na gusto naming kumawala sa mga comfort zone namin and finally experience what we've been missing, nagmistulang ibon na nakawala sa hawla itong si Demi. Hindi pa nag-iisang araw ay may mga naiplano na ito for us three at the end of the week. Natapos na rin naman ang mga exams namin, so hindi rin naging problema para sa amin ni Ada na paunlakan ang mga plano ng kaibigan namin.
I have the typical story of a probinsiyana who moved to the big city for college. Akalo ko noon na makakamit ko na finally ang kalaayan na inaasam, but my actions proved otherwise.
I don't know why, pero parang hirap ako to take advantage of my freedom. Pakiramdam ko kasi parang kahit nasa malayo ang magulang ko, malalaman at malalaman pa rin nila kung may kabalastugan akong ginawa. Although my parents aren't as strict as Ada's na halos may regular visits sa kanya, I still feel like I'm trapped in a bubble of fear na ma disappoint ang pamilya ko.
Kaya ayon, masyado akong naging good girl. Tatlong taon na ako dito sa Maynila at eskwela at dorm lang ang napuntahan ko. I don't party, I don't loosen up---I basically don't have fun. I study hard, I get the best grades, and I make sure I make the right choices.
I mean, building up my career is the goal. Pero, now that I'm 20, I feel like I've wasted my teenage years. Halos wala akong experience---fun experiences, thrilling stories to tell.
I've lived my life so blandly that I almost feel like I haven't truly lived at all.
So ngayon, on my third year, I've decided to experience what life has to offer. I vowed to be bolder, to chase after the thrill, to experience what I haven't allowed myself to experience.
Maybe try getting into relationships as well?
Dalawang dekada na akong nabubuhay sa mundo and I have zero experience when it comes to boyfriends. I mean, it's not a necessity, alam ko namang mabubuhay ako nang walang lalaki, but to experience wouldn't hurt, right?
I just want to really live, that's all.
Sabi nga ni Demi, kilig fuels the soul.
"Tara na sa dance floor!" Isa isang hinila ni Demi ang mga kamay namin ni Ada at hinila na patayo at palayo sa table namin.
Para akong nahihilo habang dinadala kami ni Demi sa gitna. There is a mixture of intoxicating scents in the dance floor, na tila bang naghalo halo na ang lahat amoy ng mga iniinom ng mga tao. I bump into a few people, pero parang wala lang naman sa kanila everytime na aakma akong mag sorry.
When we stop at a spot in the middle, Demi just automatically starts jamming to the music. Halatang sanay na sanay na sa ganitong mga eksena. Nagkatinginan nalang kami ni Ada at nagtawanan. Demi looks like she really belongs to the scene, and for some reason, Ada and I looked awkard kahit na we really dressed to look the part.
Contrast to my usual jeans and Ada's signature below the knee skirts, we had on tight sleeveless dresses, courtesy of Demi of course.
"Come on!" Hinablot ni Demi ang kamay ni Ada at hinila palayo. Akmang hihilahin na sana ako ni Ada ng may humarang sa gitna naming ibang grupo ng magkakaibigan. By the time they passed by, tuluyan na akong naiwang mag-isa, nahiwalay na sa mga kaibigan.
I try to search through the crowds, pero masyadong maraming tao.
Nagdesisyon nalang akong bumalik sa table namin at hintayin sila.
I weave through the sea of people, at habang naglalakad ako pansin ko ang paninitig ng mga lalaki sa akin. Lagi namang ganyan, I know I attract attention, lalo na sa campus. Although I find it hard to believe, Demi and Ada always praised me for being beautiful.
I'm 5'8, at maraming nagsasabi na maganda ang hubog ng katawan ko. I have an hourglass figure kasi, and I'm aware at how insanely long my legs are and how small my waist is, kaya nga trip kong mag high-waist jeans eh. My hair is wavy and naturally brown, nakuha ko sa lola kong Spanish. My skin is fair, like porcelain if Ada is to describe it, lagi niya kasing kinaiinggitan ang kutis ko dahil morena siya, but I seriously think her skin color is beautiful. With my light complexion, it makes my deep dark brown eyes and natural red lips pop.
Kahit wala pa akong naging boyfriend, maraming nagkakainteres. Kaya lang, wala namang naglalakas ng loob. Sabi ni Ada, I'm too intimidating. Lalo na when the boys find out how smart I am.
Lagi ko nga daw kasing nababara yung mga moves nila.
Which I can't see why I'm to blame. Not my fault they're aren't at my intellectual level.
Kung si Demi pa, di nila bet ang katulad kong alam nilang di nila mauutakan. Ewan ko ba, pakiramdam ko winiwindow shopping lang ako.
But then again, wala pa rin naman akong nakikitang lalaki that really sparked my interest.
I run my hand over my arms as I shudder at the way some of the men looks at me. I feel like they're gawking at me, at pansin ko ang paglakbay ng mga mata nila sa kabuoan ng katawan ko. Lalo pa at nakasuot lang ako ng black midi dress with a slit that ran up my right thigh. I suddenly feel so exposed under their malicious stares, especially since a lot of them are so much older.
When I reach our table, agad na tumunog ang cellphone ko. I let out a sigh when I saw the text.
From Dad:
What are you doing? Result ng exams?
I let out another sigh as I type a reply.
To Dad:
Advance reading. Flat uno.
From Dad:
Good job. Don't do anything stupid, take care.
I release a frustrated sigh as I slump on my seat, running my fingers through my hair whose length reaches my lower back. I cross my arms over my chest as I huff out a breath. Agad akong na bad mood sa text na iyon. Pakiramdam ko tuloy para akong naka surveilance.
My dad is always like that. Parang dapat lagi akong nagrereport, at dapat katanggap tanggap palagi ang ginagawa ko. Kaya nga never kong na enjoy ang pagiging malaya ko dito dahil sa takot na maging disappointment niya. At alam na alam ko talaga, if he finds out I'm here, he's going to be livid. I always have to be perfect, bawal magkamali, at pakiramdam ko, bawal rin maging masaya.
Tumunog uli ang phone ko.
From Tita M:
Heard you did well in your exams. Good job, iha. Keep doing the good work, huwag kang magpapasaway. Always be responsible, don't do anything stupid. Don't do anything disgraceful to the family.
I let out a scoff as I read the message. Ang bilis nga naman lumipad ng balita, pati tita ko sa America nakasagap na ng chismis tungkol sa akin. I'm sure, my dad bragged about me na naman. Na I'm his perfect daughter who's smart and never makes mistakes.
I know I should be flattered, pero I seriously don't see them as compliments anymore. Pressure lang ang nararamdaman ko. I feel like they've already set expectations about me that demands to be met.
I feel like naging batayan na lahat ng iyon for their love for me. Kapag pumalpak ako, pakiramdam ko magiging hindi na ako katanggap tanggap sa pamilya ko. Kaya siguro ako takot na maging malaya.
I feel a surge of determination course through my veins as I release steady breaths.
Hindi na ako bata, and I shouldn't be treated like one. And I shouldn't be controlled like one either. Alam ko masyado na akong matanda for a rebellious phase, pero sakal na sakal na talaga ako.
Grabbing my bag, I stand up and storm to the direction of the bar.
Naupo ako sa bar stool at malakas na ipinatong ang bag ko sa counter. I've had alcohol, pero hindi talaga ako sanay uminom ng ibang variety ng inumin. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nag-udyok sa akin, annoyance ba or frustration, o baka my new sense of rebellion na rin, pero nag order ako ng iba't ibang klase ng inumin. It didn't take long before a selection of vodka, tequila, martinis, and whiskey line up in front of me.
Walang pag-aalinlangan ko itong ininom paisa-isa, not even thinking of the consequences. At this point, I had a moment of impulsiveness. Ang alam ko lang pagod na akong mag maintain sa image kong good girl.
I'm tired of living the life others want me to live.
Hindi naman siguro kasalanan if this time, I want to live the way I want to.
Tatlong baso na siguro ang natapos ko at napapangalahatian ko na rin ang pang-apat na hawak ko ngayon. Wala akong ideya kung ano ang mga nainom at naiinom ko, pero ramdam ko nang natatamaan na ako. Dala na rin siguro na hindi ako sanay, kaya mabilis akong nalasing.
Nararamdaman ko na unti unti na akong nawawala sa tamang wisyo.
"Scotch, please."
Someone speaks behind me, and I felt my stomach flip at his low voice. Napakalalim ng boses niya, smooth like honey, and yet for some reason I picture it laced with some sort of darkness. It sounds icy na halos nagtayuan ang balahibo sa mga braso ko, and yet it also felt so warm.
I find myself swallowing a lump in my throat as my intoxication powers my curiosity.
From the corner of my eyes, I see him occupy the seat beside me. Agad kong napansin ang suot niyang itim na bomber jacket na pinapalooban ng puting shirt. Pero more than that, ang nakakuha talaga ng atensyon ko ay ang amoy nya.
Ang bango niya!
Pakiramdam ko nag malfunction na ang ilong ko because of the mixed scents of the alcohol, pero I can clearly smell the fresh musky scent of mint and wood on him. He smells so manly, and it almost feels like his scent is more intoxicating than the alcohol that plagued the entire club.
Fueled by intoxication and curiosity, I turn to look at him at laking gulat ko nang magtama ang mga mata namin.
He's also looking at me.
His eyes are the color of hazel, radiating the brown sun with an inner gold. It is the softest of browns, seemingly infused with subtle greens.
I've never seen eyes as beautiful as his.
They carry this intensity as they bore through mine, na parang bang sa likod nito ay may kung anong apoy na nag-aalab sa kadiliman.
For a moment, tumigil ako sa paghinga.
Kalakip ng mga mata niya, ay hindi maipagkakaila ang kagwapuhan na taglay niya. His skin color is an equilibrium of fair and tan, very manly. His face is framed by thick dark eyebrows, his eyes fenced by long lashes. His nose is prominent, lying above his red thin lips. His jaw is sharp, making him look more domineering than he already is.
There is a darkness in the way that he is handsome, heavenly yet somehow dangerous.
He had the kind of face that stopped anyone in their tracks, yung tipong mapapatingin ka na lang pero matatakot ka rin sa titig niyang nakakalusaw.
Tangina ang gwapo.
Halos di siya magkasya sa inuupuan niya. He seems to be around 6 feet tall, obvious naman sa haba ng mga biyas niya. At kahit naka jacket, halatang halata ang masculado niyang mga braso, his veins corded up until the back of his palms.
"Sir."
Naputol and pagtitig ko sa kanya ng dumating na ang barista, sliding a glass of scotch towards him. He also looked away as I watch him from the corner of my eye. He runs his fingers through his dark hair, a few strands curtaining over his forehead.
Napalunok rin ako ng tignan siyang uminom mula sa baso niya.
"Ma'am, mukhang naparami ka na, ah? Broken ka ba ma'am? Sa ganda mong 'yan, ma'am, may nanakit sa iyo?"
Muntik na akong nasamid sa pinagsasabi ng barista habang inaalis nya ang mga basong wala ng laman sa harap ko. Di ba pwedeng tumikim lang, kuya?
I shake my head. "Just trying to enjoy," sambit ko, "tsaka if ever, di naman freepass ang pagiging maganda sa sakit, kuya. Kahit gaano ka ganda, masasaktan pa rin kung may mananakit."
Natahimik nalang ang barista at tumango bago ito lumayo to attend to another customer.
I sip from my glass again, goosebumps rising over my skin as I notice the guy beside me look at me again.
Biting my bottom lip, I slowly swallow the burning liquid in my throat.
"You don't come here often, don't you?"
Napalingon ako sa kanya nang nagsalita siya, his voice causing a rumble in my chest. He is looking at me darkly with an odd intensity in his eyes that tickles the pit of my stomach, and yet there is something so welcoming in the way the corners of his mouth are raised. Lalo na ng balingan niya ng tingin ang mga inuming nasa harap ko na para bang kina aliwan niya ito.
I tilt my head, furrowing my brows are I hold his stare. On a normal basis, I would have already looked away. This is too much eye contact for my liking, pero dala na rin siguro ng intoxication and my rationality slowly stripping off of me, I find myself treading the in the waters of my new found confidence.
"Bakit parang mali," saad ko, "Isn't the usual line supposed to be 'do you come here often?'"
Wala akong experience, oo, pero aware naman ako sa mga usual na linyahan ng mga lalaki when they're picking up girls. Hindi naman masyadong mahal ang subscription sa Netflix movies.
Napangisi siya ng konti at napansin kong napalapit siya lalo. He angled his body so he's fully facing me, his arm resting on the counter. "So you do come here often, then?"
I let out an amused scoff. "No."
"I figured," he says, parang na kumpirma ang kung anong nasa isip na niya.
I cut off eye contact, turning away. "Halata ba masyado?" saad ko bago ko ininuman muli ang baso ko.
"If nobody takes account of how you ordered almost every drink in the menu, you seem to fit in very well."
Muli ko siyang tinignan, at nakita kong panay pa rin ang tutok niya sa akin. For a split second, I see him rake his eyes over my body bago niya ito binalik sa mga mata ko.
I scoff. Men.
"So why are you here?"
Napangiti ako sa sarili at his question. Why am I here nga naman? Turning to him, I shrug my shoulders. "Ewan. To experience, I guess."
"Experience, huh?"
I just nod my head as I lean back on the short back rest of the stool, crossing my legs as I look at him.
"Is this how you usually pick up girls?"
He lets out a small chuckle, sipping from his glass. "I don't pick up girls," saad niya.
"And yet you're here."
There is something brooding in the way he stares at me, na para bang pati kaluluwa ko ay tinitignan na niya. Seemingly powered by my intoxication, I hold his stare. Hindi ako nagpatalo sa titigan na parang bang pareho naming sinusubukang malaman ang kung ano ang nasa laman ng isip ng isa't isa.
"Sayo lang," he says.
I let out an amused smile at that, shaking my head as I lean over the counter to take another sip from my drink. "I find it hard to believe," I mutter.
I glance at him from over my shoulder, swirling the glass in my hand. "Ang next line ba sa script mo ay 'do you want to get out of here?'"
He shifts in his seat, his stare on me turning darker. It feels like the intensity in his eyes doubled. "And if I ask, anong isasagot mo?"
I scoff playfully, "depende," saad ko bago uminom muli.
From the corner of my eyes, I watch him stand up. I was right, he is incredibly tall. His build is domineering with his wide shoulders and broad chest. Nang lumapit ito ay parang mas lalo akong nalasing sa amoy niya.
He smells divine.
He leans against the counter at nakaharap sa akin, his eyes trying to search mine.
"Do you want to get out of here?"
I feel a shiver course through my spine at how low his voice his, and I find myself swallowing a lump in my throat. This is not a situation I ever imagined I'd be in, and yet I am here. I should just say no and leave, pero hindi ko alam kung ano ang nag-udyok sa akin. Maybe it's the intoxication, the loss of my rationality, or my sudden act of rebellion.
I gulp up the last of my drink and drop the glass on the counter before I turn to him.
"Tara."
***
celeste = se/lest :)