Walking down the street I always go for late night walks. I used to fear them since I worried that something bad would happen to me again, but eventually let that fear go. I had to teach myself to stop being afraid of things that used to make me happy. This is one of the very few I was able to love again.
I think it's because I'm a fan of being by myself, left to my thoughts and recently I've been doing it a lot in hopes it'll help me specifically get rid of the ones with Alex. I'd learned to live with them but this is surreal. He likes Katie and as much as I want to accept it, I can't bring myself to do it. It would be easier if I just got over him entirely. I can't keep accepting that it'll never be me over and over again. That's not healthy.
Taking a deep breath I freeze when I notice the street light up. Turning my head back I scrunch my eyebrows when a car begin to slow down as it gets closer to me. Panicked I step as far away from the road as physically possible. Speeding up my walking pace it doesn't take long for the vehicle to catch up. Deciding it would be smart to walk the opposite way, it would take time for the driver to make a U-turn. If they do then it would be clear that I'm not safe here.
Flinching when the car honks before I can go through with it, the window rolls down and I stop when I see it's just Damon. Oh. Fearing he saw the terror on my face I look around in chance he's signaling to someone, anyone else. Letting go of false hope, I'm the only one on this goddamn street. It's nine o'clock at night and it doesn't look like anyone uses this road often.
Slowly walking up to the car I stand at the passenger door, sticking my hands through the open window. I don't think I've ever spoken to him without Katie being there. Actually that's a lie. We used to speak quite a bit when we were little kids. Then we stopped.
'Are you lost?' He leans on the car console so he can get a better look at me. Shaking my head to answer his question I can't help but bring my attention to how much deeper his voice is in this moment. He must be either tired or in a bad mood which only makes me feel like an inconvenience.
'No.' I respond harsher then I had intended, 'I'm just walking...'
'How long have you been...walking?' He trails off when he looks at the GPS. Deciding to take a look at it myself, I'm a little startled to see I've walked for about fifty minutes now. I must've zoned out because I'm almost an hour walk away from home. God my parents are going to strangle me. I didn't tell them I was leaving. 'Where you arguing with a guy and he dropped you on off?'
'No no. I was just walking.' His reasoning sounds more plausible than my own but I don't want to explain how I like thinking to myself. I don't know how to phrase something like that without dumping a load of emotional baggage on him. 'Just liked the air...it's breezy out.'
'Right... you want me to drop you off at home?' He offers, 'I'm going back home since it's the same direction anyways since my friend ditched me.'
Hesitantly agreeing, I'm not one to accept rides from people. Even if we're close with eachother. I'm not a very trusting person and I have every right not to be but I say yes anyways. He's Katie's brother. I know it's not enough for someone to be considered safe but I've been alone with him countless times before. By now I would know if he was a creep or not. To put it simply, I feel like he's okay.
Unlike Katie, Alex or most of my other peers I don't really talk to seniors, it's always awkward. Especially with relationships and that's me talking from experience. I made sure to write that down on the T-chart I made for Alex. With him being only a few weeks older than me, I put 'we are the same age' as a pro.
'How's Alex?' Damon speak making me slowly look up at him with shock but he stays looking at the road. 'You like him right?'
Opening my mouth to deny it, not a single word comes out of my mouth. You like him right? What? He's the first person to ever say something since I've never really told anyone besides my diary which stays locked up. I would keep a digital copy on my phone instead of using paper but I'm so paranoid that someone will take my phone or hack me so I don't. I would die if someone knew about a single thing I wrote in there. Alex was one of those things.
'What are you talking about.' I stare at the dashboard.
'I'm not stupid Brylan.' He does a double take on me, 'I used to drop you and Katie off everywhere last year since she would beg me. When Alex started tagging along I noticed the switch in your energy.'
Feeling self conscious, I play with my fingers. Wondering if he's the only one who noticed, I hope the fuck so. What if Alex made up his feelings for Katie to scare me off. Sinking into the seat I start to worry that I've been walking around with clown makeup on my face. Visible to all but me. Has he been aware this whole time but chose not to say anything about it? What if every time he sees me his pity's me for my feelings. 'How do you know.'
'It was obvious...to me at least, don't worry he doesn't know.' He reassures me. 'I've had plenty of girls grow fond of me. I can tell when one likes a guy and I can tell when someone is aware of it. He's not.'
'Hah of course you can tell that easily.' My tone is more judging than sarcastic. I had hoped it would sound more sarcastic.
'What do you mean?' He raises his eyebrows. Not taking offense to what I said, he sounds more curious or anything.
'I mean like...you and your friends are pretty damn popular so...' I try to sugarcoat it. 'Besides beings gods on the court, I wouldn't say the people you hangout with have the best reputation.'
'As in?' He digs at it. 'Please say a lot of things so I honestly can never keep up with—'
'It's said that you treat girls like garbage. Dispose of them once your done, even the girls you consider your friends aren't an exception.' I'm blunt with him so he doesn't ask any more questions.
'Fortunately for you, us guys are capable of keeping our dicks in our pants. We don't think with them. We have brains.' He emphasizes to how I'm in the same vehicle with him and he hasn't done a thing. 'We won't fuck anything with legs. I feel like that's a pretty wild assumption...we have interests and hobbies and all that fun stuff.'
'Yeah of course.' I acknowledge it. 'I wouldn't be in this car if I thought you were all brainless sex machines who only think about getting sucked off. I know that you're all still people but you can't deny I don't fit into the equation of girls people say you all target. Even if you where all machines is still be untouched so it's fine. You all love short cheer girls.'
'Short cheer girls? Only? For guys who only think about blowjobs and touching that's a very limited number.' He exaggerates his gasp which makes me laugh. 'Keeping us in an incestrial tree huh?'
'I stand corrected.' I smile at how he phrased it. But he makes a good point. 'Short athletic girls. Broadened the pool for you,'
'Right. Sure. You have no mercy on our poor necks. We play basketball we're tall guys. Dating only short girls would be, back to back long distance relationships,' He's smiling now but he still doesn't seem convinced. 'Plus you're short and athletic. Tennis, right? No volleyball. Anyways, what does that mean for you?'
'Oh no. I'm in grave danger.' My lack of enthusiasm earns a chuckle out of him. 'For what it counts I miss the very crucial requirements. Pretty, blonde and porn star innocence.'
'What does porn star innocence mean? Actually I'm not that curious.' Pulling into my neighborhood. We're close. 'Also what's up with the blonde shit? That's not necessary, it's a hair color and you're very pretty Brylan.' His compliment catches me off guard. He's the last person I'd assume would ever tell me that. 'I don't tell girls that often since they take it the wrong way but I doubt you will. So yes you're actually gorgeous. I don't see why you wouldn't be wanted.'
Exhaling I turn my head so I'm staring out the passenger window. I can't help but bask in his praise. I don't know him enough to know if he says it a lot out of curtsy but I don't care. A part of me needed to hear that from someone. I've been eating at myself lately and I hadn't realized how negetive I've been feeling until now. Hearing something positive being said about me, despite it being real or not was needed.
'About what you said earlier. In our defense girls like you and Katie aren't the ones that talk to us. I mean the ones who have strong opinions or actual thoughts. If I had this conversation with any of the girls I'm friends with they wouldn't have been nearly half as persistent.' He readjusts himself. 'We talk to the girls who talk too us which happens to be the ones you described earlier. I mean it in the most respectful way but imagine being around someone and all they do is agree with you and laugh at what you say even if it wasn't a joke and you where being serious. I'll disagree with something they say just to tease then they'll take it back and claim they always agreed with my disagreement. Its a mood killer. Being the only input in a conversation is a lot of work,'
'You'll get bored of them eventually,' he trails off before pulling up into my driveway. 'That's why I don't really do relationships. That way no one gets hurt and I don't have to be the only one talking all the time. It's probably where all those rumors came from, my lack of commitment to anyone.'
Opening my door to step out I pause before shutting it. Instead I reposition myself so my hand is poised on his sun visor. Flipping it down I tap on the glass to motion for him to look at himself. 'Damon Hart, captain of the basketball team is telling me that he can only speak to girls who speak to him? That sounds like an excuse if you ask me. I know of three very sweet girls who would love a chance with you if you let them. Those girls all have strong opinions and they're just plain fun to be around. I bet you there's more but you keep yourself stuck in this...incestrial family instead.' I laugh when I catch myself using his previously sarcastic comment in a serious sense.
Finally allowing myself to step out of the car I lean on the open door. 'You're tired of the same kinda of people. I get that. But who's stopping you from not try talking to different kinds of people? They're so many different girls at our school. The only person limiting yourself is you, and for what? Status? You're as high as it gets at our since you bagged one of the sport captain titles. You don't need to care about stupid status, you can do what you want and it would still be considered cool.'
He doesn't respond to what I say, only giving me a short nod. 'Have a good night Brylan. Sleep well and refrain from walking so late.' Doubting he'll actually use my piece of advice I give him a customary wave as he backs up his car.
Whether he decides to apply what I told him or not, I have learnt something new about the guy. He hasn't changed all that much since we were kids. Back then we used to talk and he was a lot of energy. We stopped once we got older with the most talking we did being heys or subtle nods. This time it felt like I was talking to a friend. It wasn't as forced as it usually is.
When I can't see his car on the road anymore I finally let myself inside the house.