Our family had ended up having a lot of children. Any way you looked at it, you couldn't argue that we were prolific breeders. It was strange, we went from saying that we would never have any kids to having eleven. Yet with all the others, bringing home the babies was always such a joyous occasion. Yes, there were moments of exhaustion and not feeling good enough. There were days where the kids managed to hit every single nerve and all we would want was a moment's peace. But like every aspect of our relationship, when one of us was struggling there were nine more to pick up the slack, and a break with a hot bath or a cold drink was enough to recenter and be fully present.
This time was completely different.
Of course, the others might have been happy. I'm sure they were. It was hard to tell from where I was though. I was trapped in this deep dark funk. I was exhausted and weak and had trouble even getting up to shower unless someone helped me to do it. I was crying all the time and if I wasn't crying I was usually sleeping. The others would bring the babies in to see me, and while it wasn't that I felt negatively about them - it wasn't like in the books that talked about postpartum depression where they warned you might feel the urge to shake them or hurt them some way - I just felt nothing. Which made it worse in some way because I knew what postpartum was supposed to feel like, and it wasn't nothing.
Logically I knew that's what this was. I was suffering from postpartum or some other form of depression that was brought on from the mixture of stress leading up to the birth, the huge blood loss I experienced during the labor, the usual hormonal rebalance that happens after giving birth, and a feeling of inadequacy brought on by my exhaustion and inability to properly care for the babies I'd just given birth to. Logically I knew that. But being smart enough to recognize it, didn't stop the feelings of hopelessness and depression that just bombarded me. I wished we were back on Earth and that Jax was still alive. He wouldn't have been able to magically fix it, but he might have at least known what to say to get me out of bed.
Of course, missing Jax didn't help anything either.
After two weeks of me not leaving bed except when I absolutely had to, I knew the others were starting to worry.
"Hey, sweetheart," Steve said, climbing the steps to our bed. He was carrying one of the babies and Natasha was just behind him with the other. "The twins are awake and happy, would you like to try feeding them again?"
Before giving birth I had planned to at least partially breastfeed. I knew it was harder with two. I had first-hand experience, but being on Asgard meant it would be harder to get formula for them, and besides, breastfeeding was something I'd always enjoyed before. It always felt like a nice quiet moment to bond. Even though my milk had taken longer to come in and even after two weeks was barely anything, I couldn't let go of the idea that I should be feeding them and that if I wasn't, I was useless.
I rolled over and looked up at him. "What's the point?"
"Honey," Steve said gently, kneeling beside me and putting the baby in front of me. I couldn't even tell which one it was which made that disconnected feeling I had even stronger. "If you really don't want to breastfeed you don't have to. We can always get more formula from Earth or hire a wetnurse or two like the healers suggested. I know it sounds a little strange, but Thor says he and Loki both had them."
I started crying and curled up on myself. Natasha put the other baby next to the first and curled herself around me from behind. "Shhh... mishka," she soothed. "No one is trying to make you feel guilty. We just want you to talk to us."
"I'm useless," I sobbed. "I can't feed them. I don't even know which one is which."
"That's easy," Steve said and put his hand on each baby in turn. "This one is wrapped in red so it's Thour, and this one is wrapped in green so it's Nova."
That made me laugh a little. "Seriously, honey, we're still in the color-coding phase. Just like we did for Riley and Pietro, and Sarah and Rose. They're little and wrinkly and you got pregnant with two muscle-bound, blond, blue-eyed himbos."
"Hey!" Steve yelped.
"What I mean is, the babies look the same and all of us have to double-check which is which," Natasha said.
Steve caressed my cheek. "You've been through so much and you're healing still. You aren't a bad person or a bad parent. You're recovering and you just need to take care of yourself. Now, do you want to try feeding them? If you don't, that's okay too."
"I'll try," I sighed, and without even sitting up I pulled out my breast and pulled Nova close to me, getting him to latch on. Natasha caressed my hair as I looked down at Nova and tried to feel the things I was supposed to be feeling rather than just exhausted.
"When you're done here, how about we go have a bath and take a walk," Natasha suggested. "You could use some sun."
"Taking a bath is disgusting," I said. "Especially given I'm all bloody and gross."
Natasha sighed. "Then I'll hold you under the running water and wash you down. If you think some blood is going to bother me..."
"Okay, Natasha," I snapped.
"Elise," Steve soothed. "Honey, we're just trying to help."
"You can't help," I said, my tears breaking again. "I'm broken."
My crying disturbed Nova and he pulled off and started to whine which only made things worse. Steve picked up Nova and rocked him a little. "Okay, so I'm guessing this isn't going to work right now," he said.
"I'm sorry," I sobbed.
"No, honey," Steve said. "That's not..."
Natasha shook her head to quiet him. "Take the babies and give them a bottle and have someone come to change the sheets. I'm gonna bathe her. We can try the breastfeeding thing when they're ready to go down."
Steve picked up Thour and carried them both out as Natasha picked me up and carried me to the bathroom. Two attendants were waiting and they both helped undress me and get me under some running water before Natasha sent them away. She then slowly and methodically washed me from head to toe while singing to me in Russian. When I was clean she dried me off and put oils on my skin before redressing me and brushing and braiding my hair. "You sure you don't want to try taking that walk with me."
I shook my head. "I just want to sleep."
Natasha sighed. "Okay, let's get you back into bed. I'm going to send in some food though, I want you to eat it."
I nodded and let her lead me back to bed. I lay down and pulled the covers over me, and Natasha kissed my cheek and headed back into the living room. I was zoned out when someone came back in and just assumed it was an attendant with food. Instead, Sarah crawled into bed with me, cuddling up under my chin. I wrapped my arms around her and buried my face in her black curls.
"Hey, mommy," she said. It was not something the kids called me much anymore. Natasha was still Mama or ma, and Wanda was still Daj, but I'd been graduated to mom by them all around the age of nine. Still, it came out from time to time. Usually with the girls, usually when they wanted something or were being very affectionate. "You feeling sad?"
I nodded but didn't say anything.
"We all miss you, you know?" She said. "You're a good mom."
"I don't feel like a good mom," I replied.
"I know you don't feel like you are," she said. "But I'm gonna remind you of something you said to me when I was going through this after I had Zak; that's your depression lying to you."
"I can't even feed them," I said.
"So?" She said. "Go get a bottle and feed them. Do you think Billy and Teddy were bad parents because Piper and Flynn had to be bottle-fed?"
"Of course not," I argued.
"Then why do you have different rules?" She asked.
I shook my head and began crying harder, tears streaming down my face and my throat hurting. She rubbed my back soothingly. "Mom, us kids - we had a weird life. We went to school where everyone had rich parents, but there was always just the standard amount of them. They knew who their mom and dads were. Even the ones who had two dads or two moms knew something - like their dad was a donor, or they were adopted. But we were like 'okay so we have ten parents but which ones made us'. I clearly had a small hint," she said. "But it was so hard to tell. None of you ever treated us differently. There was no favoritism. And we all knew you would be there for us no matter what. Look at what happened when I got pregnant, you all just rallied around me, talked me through the options. When I said I wanted to do it alone but stay home with you, that was fine. No one ever even bugged me about who the dad was. When I had postpartum, you were right there by my side. Daj struggled like I know she is with you and I know Daj is my biological mother, but it was you that helped me through it. Because you're my mom and that's why you do. What's happening to you right now is temporary. You might need to get up and go speak to someone. You might even need to take some medicine, but it's not going to last."
I sniffed and grabbed my handkerchief, blowing my nose and wiping my eyes. "You're a good girl," I said.
"Because good people raised me," she said, hugging me a little tighter.
"Did you guys ever wonder?" Sarah asked.
"Wonder what?"
"Who Zak's dad was," she answered.
I pulled back and looked at her. "Yes, of course, we did. But we figured that was your secret to tell. If you weren't telling us, it was for a reason."
"What were some of the guesses?" Sarah said.
"Umm... I assumed maybe you'd hooked up with Tegan again," I said.
She laughed. "What? No. She's a friend."
"I think drunk orgy was mentioned..."
"Gross," she said. "But also fair."
I laughed again, this time more easily than I had since giving birth. "Was that it?"
"No," she laughed. "No orgies of any kind. What else?"
"There were some dark ones," I said. "Your mama and I said you'd tell us if it was something non-consensual, but some of your dads wanted to push to make sure. In the end, your mama said even if that was what it was, maybe you didn't want to tell because it was too painful and it wasn't their business. They all dropped it after that."
"It does explain when Bucky-dad would randomly tell me if anyone ever hurt me I could tell him," she said. "But no, I definitely would have told you all if that's what it was. I also don't know that I would have gone forward with the pregnancy either, to be honest."
"I'm not sure if there were any other guesses," I said. "Oh... I think Tony said that you were experimenting and that Clint said it was a ghost."
Sarah laughed. "Clint-dad was pretty close actually."
I sat up and looked at her. "What?"
"Alright," she said. "I'm going to tell you a secret mom. I assume you'll probably blab to everyone else, but I really don't want Zakky to know, okay? Not yet. When he's a bit older."
"Oh my god," I said, feeling the first spark of excitement I'd felt since I'd given birth. "Ghost dad!"
"It wasn't ghost dad," she laughed hard. "But oh my god, it's so embarrassing. And weird."
"What is it?" I pushed.
"Okay," she said, sitting up and clapping her hands. "I have something to use as a bribe. I'll tell you, but you have to get out of bed and have your lunch out there with everyone else. And ... and you have to go for a walk."
I shook my head. "I don't think I can."
"Sure you can, mom," she said. "It doesn't even need to be an hour. And you can tell them all. And trust me, it's so juicy. You want to know this."
I fidgeted where I sat. "Okay. But I can't promise it will be for long. Or even a very long walk."
"That's okay, but you at least have to go out onto the balcony and look at the sun," she said.
"What? Directly at it?" I asked.
"Yeah, mom," she deadpanned. "My secret plan is to blind you."
I laughed again and poked her. "Tell me."
"Okay... so..." she said, sitting up with me. "Billy had just brought Piper home. She was so cute and so sweet. You remember? She hardly cried and she would babble and put her feet in her mouth. And I got super clucky and then I wished I could have a baby and then I was pregnant."
My mouth dropped open in shock. I went to say something but it was like the words were stuck.
"I know," she said.
"How... how... how?" I babbled.
She shook her head. "I don't know. I didn't mean for it to happen. But ...that's my powers right? I wish for things and I get them? I mean I know they don't always work. But I also know that I've been a handful because of them."
"Why didn't you tell us?" I asked. "About any of this?"
She shrugged. "I don't know. Daj can't read my mind, and part of me liked that I could have secrets the way the others couldn't. And part of me was worried that I'd get in a lot of trouble. But I think mostly I was a bit embarrassed and figured I'd done it to myself so I had to handle it myself."
"Oh, Sarah," I said, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her close. "That's such a big burden to be carrying all on your own."
She hugged me tightly, rubbing my back. "And you think you're a bad mom," she teased. "But I'm okay. I promise. This was never about any of you. It was just about me."
"Well," I said. "I think maybe you should talk to Daj or Loki about helping you figure out how your powers work."
She sighed. "Alright, fine. But I think you should get up like you promised."
"Bully," I teased, getting up. She followed after me and we headed back out into the living room.
Steve, Clint, Natasha, Wanda, and Bucky were all there, as were Rose, Paul, Zak, Ziggy, and Anna. The little ones were all sitting on a rug on the floor with a variety of food like they were having an indoor picnic, and Bucky and Wanda each had a baby they were bottle-feeding.
"Look what I did," Sarah said as we came into the living room.
"Hey, sweetheart," Steve said, getting up and coming over to us. "You're up."
"I thought I'd have lunch out here," I said, letting Steve lead me over to the couch.
"Good, that's good," he said.
"El," Wanda said. "Do you want to bottle feed one of them?"
I looked at them with the babies having that look I always felt when I was breastfeeding the babies in the past. I still felt that blank nothingness, but I gave a small smile and nodded, and Bucky came and put Nova into my arms. Steve put his arm around me and rubbed my arm.
"Don't crowd her, Steve," Clint teased.
"It's okay," I said, as I looked down at Nova and started to feed him. "Where's everyone else?"
"Bruce and Tony are working on getting the comms stuff up, and Thor and Sam are off being kingly," Clint said.
"Oh," I said a little blankly. "Okay."
Steve leaned in and rested his cheek against my head. "It's good to see you up, sweetheart," he whispered. I nodded. I still felt numb, but for today at least, I'd try working to get better.