September (2 months pregnant)
I sat back against the wall in the bathroom, the coolness of it helping to ease my clammy skin as I swallowed hard before letting out a shaky breath. I rested my elbows on my knees and dropped my forehead into my hands as I gave a small groan. I never remembered being sick like this with Liam before, mornings were always so easy and if anything I had more energy when I was pregnant with him than less. Now, I couldn't even open my eyes without the first thought in my head being how fast will it take me to get to the bathroom. The worst part about all of it was that it hit me throughout the day, it didn't show it's ugly head in the morning and then leave me at peace for the rest of the day, no it always had the element of surprise.
I let my head fall back against the wall again, my eyes gazing up towards the high ceiling as I took in a deep breath and let it out slow. I rested my hands down onto the cool marble floor just getting ready to push myself up to a standing position when my body decided to laugh at me devilishly as another wave of nausea rolled through my body like a tidal wave. I fell forward quickly grabbing onto the toilet with my right hand and holding back my hair with my left as I let one of the most unpleasant things of pregnancy wreak havoc on my already aching body. I let out another groan, my hand dropping my hair as it blindly snaked its way towards the handle as I flushed down the evidence of another rough morning when I heard footsteps coming towards me.
"Sweetheart, how come you didn't wake me?" Austin asked with a mountain of concern built up behind his words as he instantly crouched down next to me and started to rub my back, his left hand reaching out to swipe the curtain of hair away from my face as he looked at me with sympathetic eyes. I gave him a shy smile as I sat back on my knees using my right hand to wipe the tears away from my eyes--I hated puking more than anything and for some reason it always upset me--as I gave him a small chuckle.
"It's okay baby, no one really wants to wake up to this" I said with a laugh, my eyes glancing towards the toilet as he gave me a shy smile and gently pulled me into his arms, his lips pressing against my head as he slowly rubbed my back. This was exactly what I needed, he was exactly what I needed right now and I'm glad that he showed up like my Knight in shining armor yet again.
"I agree, but I don't want you to do this alone sweetheart I know how much you hate it" he said pulling away from me as he scrunched up his face as shook his head making me break into the faintest string of giggles. "Let's get you cleaned up okay?" he said, his hands coming up to cup my cheeks as he softly ran his thumb over my now scorching skin. I nodded my head at him as he stood himself up, his hands held out for mine as I gently laid mine in his allowing him to slowly and extremely gently pull me from my resting spot that I had never thought I would leave this morning.
He walked me over towards the sink, his hands resting on my waist as he playfully struggled to sit me up on the counter as I started to laugh, my hands resting on either side of my thighs as I slowly started kicking my feet back and forth--a habit whenever I couldn't touch the floor--while he grabbed a washcloth from the cabinet. I rested my chin on my shoulder as I watched him and wondered if the people who thought they knew him ever imagined that he would get up at six in the morning to run a warm washcloth over his pregnant girlfriends face, or if he would go out of his way to wake up at three in the morning because she really wanted just two pretzels and couldn't go back to sleep without them. It was this side of him, these little things that I sometimes wished he would share with the world, but at the same time I wanted to be selfish and keep them all to myself.
"Still tired sweetheart?" he asked stepping closer towards me as he gently swiped the white cloth over my face, the warmness of it relieving all of the stress and even the headache that was slowly starting to sneak up on me away.
"Very" I said with a laugh as he started running the wash cloth over the back of my neck before placing it down on the sink as he grabbed my toothbrush and swiped a generous amount of the spearmint toothpaste over the bristles. He handed it to me with a smile as I lazily started gliding it across my teeth as he rested his hands on my thighs and gently placed a kiss on my forehead.
"Finish up and then we'll go lay down okay sweetheart, do you need anything?" he asked as I leaned away from him spitting into the deep sink as he turned the water on to rinse it out before grabbing my toothbrush from my hand and letting it slide into the glass holder on the side of the sink.
"No baby, I think I'm okay. How is Liam?" I asked as he slid his hand under my legs and lifted me from the counter, my mind wanted to protest to him that I was going to be too heavy but I thought better of it as I wrapped my arms around his neck and placed my head on his shoulder, the hum of his voice as he quietly talked to me almost instantly lulled me off to sleep before he even had me back on our bed.
"Probably sleeping it's only six sweetheart, but I'll go check on him and let you know okay?" he said quietly as he laid me down on the cool sheets, my body letting out a sigh as I curled against them while he slid the comforter up to my chin before placing a kiss on my head. "I'll be right back" he said, his fingertips trailing over my jawline as he smiled down at me before making his exit towards Liam's room.
I let out a sigh as I hugged the pillow closer to me, my eyes fluttering closed as a small smile spread across my face. Everything that I had initially thought about my pregnancy a month ago always made me laugh and I wasn't sure how I even came to the conclusion that Austin didn't want to have this baby, that he wasn't ready because he was. Since we saw the tiniest glimpse of our little nugget at the doctor, things have been so amazing and he has gone above and beyond to prove that this wasn't a one sided journey for nine months. He was there with me through everything and not once did he complain which is more than I could ask for. I felt bad a lot of the times but I think it is only because I never had this with Shawn. I was so alone through all of Liam's pregnancy but with Austin I felt like this was something we were going through together and I have never been more thankful for that.
I turned my head to the sound of the door opening, a smile spreading across my face as I saw him calmly walking over towards me, just his composure was enough for me to know that Liam was okay.
"Thank you baby" I said with a smile as he slid into the sheets his arms immediately pulling me into him as he held me tightly against his warm body as he leaned down and pressed his soft lips against mine before I rested my head back against his chest.
"Of course sweetheart, now you should get some sleep you were tossing and turning all night. Bad dreams?" he asked quietly, his raspy voice making me smile as I snuggled in closer to him letting out a comfortable sigh.
"Heartburn, nausea, headache you know all the good things that come along with all of this" I said to him quietly with a laugh, his own chuckle vibrating through his warm chest as I felt myself melt against the sound. I hoped he knew how much he comforted me no matter what situation we were in.
"Do you still have any of that now? I can go get you something" he said, his body starting to tense as if he was going to leave me at any second as I quickly clung to him an an attempt for him to not leave my side.
"No no, it's okay I'm fine now" I said with a smile as I looked up at him, his eyes gazing back at mine with a skeptical look as I placed my lips softly against his. "I promise baby I am good now" I said, his eyes studying me for a moment longer before he let out a quiet okay as I rested my head back against his chest.
"I wish I could take some of what you are going through away from you sweetheart, it kills me to see you so sick" he said quietly, his fingertips gently grazing my skin as I let my eyelashes rest softly against my cheeks. I didn't think that I could fall any more in love with him, yet here I was tumbling down the hill falling even more in love with him as the seconds ticked by.
"Austin I really can't thank you enough for everything, you have no idea how much it means to me to have you be the person that I share this with. I wish it was you the first time too" I said with a sad tone to my voice, his lips burying into the top of my head as he pressed a soft kiss there before he pulled himself away. "I didn't have any of this with Liam it was just me and well my parents but I didn't have the person that I needed the most" I said as I felt him squeeze my body to him even more.
"You'll never have to worry about going through this alone Candace I promise you. We made our baby together and we are going to go through every step of this together as well. My job doesn't stop when you get pregnant and start again when the baby is born, at least not in my eyes" he said, tears starting to form in my eyes at his words as I gently wiped at them with my palms. "Hey hey hey, you okay?" he asked helping me sit up from him as a stray tear puddled onto his chest.
"Yeah" I said with a smile and a laugh as he brought his thumb up to rub at my tear soaked cheeks. "I just love you so much Austin" I said through a quivering lip as he smiled at me making my heart stop as he gently cupped my cheek in his rough hand as he let his eyes roam over the glossed over ones of my own.
"I love you so much too Candace I have since the day I met you and I always will" he said quietly, the both of us meeting in the middle as we melted our lips together, the taste of my salty tears laying on our lips as he pulled away from me with a small pop, his thumb running over my lips as he helped lay me back down against his chest. "Get some sleep sweetheart, I'll wake you up in a little bit okay?" he said quietly, my hand coming to rest flatly against his chest as I pressed my lips against his warm skin.
"Okay baby, I love you" I said quietly as he buried his lips into my head again as I drifted off slowly to a welcomed and peaceful sleep, something that had otherwise eluded me all night.
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"So honey, how are you feeling?" my Mom asked as I watched her walk around her kitchen cleaning more things that probably didn't need to be cleaned but when she was bored that was the thing that she had always resorted to for as long as I could remember.
"Like shit" I said with a laugh as I glanced down to the tiny screen in the corner to see my very unkempt disposition. It was all I could do this morning to tie my hair into a bun on the top of my head and slip into a pair of yoga shorts and one of Austin's t-shirts--his clothes starting to feel better and better as the bloat started to kick in--and drag myself out to the living room to be somewhat social with Austin and Liam.
"Don't take offense to this but you look like shit" my Mom said with a laugh as I rolled my eyes at her and nodded my head. She was never one to sugar coat the truth which in a way I was thankful for, but with the rising tides of my different emotions popping out to play at any given moment I really wasn't to keen on her response.
"Thanks" I said shortly, turning my head away from her as I saw Austin looking over at me from his spot at the table with Liam--they were both coloring a picture and arguing over who got the blue crayon to color Chase first--as he flashed me a shy smile. I knew that it was meant as a way of silent communication to let me know that she didn't mean it, but it still agitated me.
"Well I'm just saying" she said quickly realizing that we needed to change the conversation as I rested my head back against the cushions of the couch. "Besides that, how is everything going out there? Things better now" she asked, my eyes glancing over towards Austin as I saw him once again look over at me with a sad smile. I didn't hide it from him that I talked to my Mom about the pregnancy and how I felt that he didn't really want anything to do with it, and I know that it still ate at him to this day but I always let him know that I forgave him and reminded him how far he has come since that awful day a little over two months ago.
"They are so much better now" I said with a warm smile of my own that I sent sailing back towards him as I watched a red tint light up the apples of his cheeks as he went back to coloring with Liam. "Austin and Liam are coloring now, well more like arguing who gets to color what" I said with a laugh. "I don't know if I'm ready to have three babies" I said glaring over at Austin as I saw his jaw drop, my Mom laughing from the other side of the screen.
"It's rough, I didn't think I was ready for that with your Father either" she said with a laugh as Austin scooped Liam up in his arms and made his way over towards the couch, the both of them sitting down next to me as I rotated the screen so she could see them.
"Just so you know Mrs. Daniels, I think it's me who doesn't know if they are ready to have three babies" he said with a smile as my Mom gave him a warm and welcome smile.
"Hello Austin how are you honey?" she asked, my head immediately coming to rest against his shoulder at her warm welcome for him despite everything that I had told her as he pressed his lips softly against the top of my head. That was one of the many good things about my Mom, she never held a grudge against anyone.
"I'm doing fine thanks, just trying to make this little one as comfortable as I possibly can right now" he said as I looked up at him blushing at the twinkle that was resting in his eye as I smiled up at him. "She's quiet the handful sometimes like when she wakes me up at three in the morning asking me to get her two pretzels, just two because she can't go to sleep without them" he said, my jaw hanging open as I gaped at him while my Mom started laughing in the background.
"That's very sweet of you Austin. Were they the long pretzel sticks with extra salt?" she asked as I buried my head into his shoulder as she waited for Austin to answer her.
"Yes ma'am they were. I don't think I've ever seen anyone ever eat a pretzel stick so fast in my life, not to mention the crumbs that were all over the sheets scratching me as I slept" he said as I pulled myself away from him and crossed my arms over my chest, the angry side of me starting to come out as my Mom tilted her head at me and let out a sigh. "I'm just kidding Candace, you looked so cute eating those pretzels" he said giving me a kiss on my cheek as my Mom started to laugh.
"Just give her a second she'll come back" my Mom said as I glared at her. "You better watch with those Candace, you remember what happened last time you ate those" she said giving me a knowing look as I let out a sigh and dropped my arms, as Austin shot me a worried glance.
"I know I know I got preeclampsia and had to be on bed rest for a week" I aid rolling my eyes and sticking my tongue out at her. "But if I have to have them I have to have them. You can't neglect a pregnant woman of her cravings" I said with a smug expression as she turned her gaze towards Austin.
"Pre-eclampsia is high blood pressure during pregnancy so if she wakes you up at three in the morning for pretzel sticks just make sure you rub some salt off of them because if not then you will have a cranky Candace laying on the couch complaining about how fat she is because she is all swollen" my Mom said as I rolled my eyes at her as Austin pressed his lips into my temple.
"Noted" he said with a smirk as I gently pushed into him before resting my head back against his shoulder. "Otherwise she is a peach" he said as I silently mocked him, his eyes going down to the small screen in the corner as he smiled at me.
"Does Liam know yet?" my Mom asked as she looked over towards Liam who was sitting in Austin's lap playing with his PawPatrol watch on his wrist completely oblivious to the conversation that was happening around him.
"Not yet, we've been dropping hints here and there. I just don't feel comfortable telling him that he is going to have a brother or a sister until we make sure that we are safely passed the first trimester then we'll think of a cute way to tell him" I said looking up at Austin as he smiled before pressing his lips gently against my forehead.
"So what does he think is happening right now?" she asked with a laugh as she walked into the living room and sat herself down on the couch, a mug of coffee coming to her lips as I smiled. Her routine never changed and that was one of the many things that I loved most about my Mom, she was so predictable and that was such a comforting feeling to me.
"We've just been telling him that I'm tired or not feeling well. He hasn't really asked many questions" I said shrugging my shoulders. "But I know that I'm going to start showing soon I just hope that he takes it okay. He's been my baby for the last three years" I said with a laugh looking over at him as he contently was pushing buttons on his watch as Ryder's voice rang out through the room.
"He'll be okay honey, you just have to tell him what a big task it is going to be for him to be a big brother and I'm sure he'll be so eager and excited to meet the new baby" she said with a smile as Austin pressed a kiss to my head. I was so thankful to have both of them in my life--well everyone in my life really--because I wouldn't be able to go through this on my own, not again.
We talked for a few more minutes, mainly it was Liam catching up and telling her all about about his day with Austin so far as I couldn't help but smile. He had picked up so much responsibility in my life since I've met him, taking care of Liam being the biggest and Liam loved him so much from the first day that he met him. They said their goodbyes a few minutes later, my Mom not failing to mention that I was falling asleep on Austin's shoulder as he laughed quietly before ending the call and pulling the iPad from my hands setting it on the table in front of us with a small thud. He positioned himself on the couch so both myself and Liam were laying on him comfortably--which in hindsight didn't look all that comfortable for him--as he placed a small kiss on both of our heads.
"I'm sorry that this is all we seem to be doing lately is sitting around and vegging out" I laughed as I looked up at him to see intense sarcasm spreading across his ridiculously cute face.
"Yes, it is so hard to sit in my house and do nothing all day. It is absolutely killing me I wish you would get yourself together, geesh" he said as I rolled my eyes at him.
"Ha ha" I said as he pressed his lips against my forehead as I reached for the remote that was lying next to me and flipped on the TV. "I just feel bad, I feel like I should be doing something with the both of you" I said tearing my gaze away from Austin as I rested it on Liam, my fingers playfully tickling his sides as his carefree and spirited laugh soared through the room.
"You are Momma, we are all doing something now" he said in a matter of fact tone that left no room for me to deliberate otherwise. "Can we watch a movie? I'm tired" he said letting out a yawn making both Austin and I smile.
"Sure buddy, what do you want?" he asked as I handed him the remote, my eyes suddenly starting to fill with tiredness as I rested my head back against his warm shoulder, his arm wrapping around me as he started to rub my back which had lately become one of my favorite feelings.
"Momma, what do you want to watch?" he asked, his hand reaching out for mine as I gently grabbed his, my thumb running over his skin as I smiled at him. "Up" I said with a smile, a wide one spreading across his face as he nodded his head.
"Up it is" Austin said with a smile as he quickly selected it from Liam's watchlist before resting himself back into the couch. I sat myself up just slightly, my lips pressing against his warm neck before I whispered into his ear.
"I love you so much Austin Post" his hand tightly squeezing my waist as he leaned his head in towards me, my lips colliding with the side of his ear as he smiled.
"I love you too, both of you so much" he said as I leaned back against him settling into him as the growing family that we were becoming and that was a feeling that I had never been prouder to have.
***
I found my eyes abruptly popping open as I looked around the room. This time nausea, heartburn, or the incessant insomnia that seemed to plague me over the past several weeks not being the cause but the absence of a certain person that I needed the most. I sat up grabbing my phone to see that it was 2am. I knew that Austin fought with insomnia himself on a daily basis, but we always went to bed together and even if he couldn't sleep he would be somewhere in the room just incase I needed him but this time he was nowhere to be found. I let out a sigh as I slung my legs over the bed, shivering slightly as they touched the cool ground as I made my way over towards the large floor to ceiling windows to see him sitting out in a chair looking over the twinkling lights of the city with a cigarette burning in his hand. I couldn't help but smile as I watched him, so peaceful and probably so in tune with his thoughts--although it was probably too in tune--as he enjoyed a few quiet moments to himself which was something I felt like he needed these days more than anything.
I let out a sigh as I walked towards the door that would lead to the patio, my hand slowly turning the handle as I quietly made my way outside smiling at the welcomed feel of the cool Utah breeze that always seemed to settle in quickly as the sun sank below the mountains. I wrapped my arms around myself hugging his shirt close to me--I seemed to possess a lot of those these days--as I quietly walked over towards him, his head turning to acknowledge my presence as he quickly reached for the ashtray and put out his cigarette. I felt my face fall just a little as I gave him a shy smile, I appreciated the fact that he didn't smoke around me during this but I knew that if he was sitting out here by himself nursing the shit out of that one tiny stick that he needed it more than anything.
"I could wait over there" I said with a smile pointing my thumb behind me as he smiled and shook his head, his arms opening for me as I kept walking closer to him.
"Absolutely not sweetheart, I want you right here" he said as I quickened my pace as I fell into his lap, his lips softly melting against mine before we both pulled away with a small suction sound as I let my eyes wander over his trying to pinpoint the exact emotion that was running through them to figure out why he was here but I was coming up short.
"You okay baby?" I asked, my fingers slowly carding through his hair as he gave me a cute closed lip smile as I pressed my lips to his temple. "Typically it is me that has the insomnia or some kind of aliment that keeps me up all night not you" I said with a grin as I tapped the tip of his nose making him laugh, the sound making me feel slightly better before I continued my pensive gaze towards him.
"Just thinking about a lot of things" he said with a laugh shaking his head. "Nothing for you to worry your beautiful little head over okay?" he said sweetly, his finger and thumb gently holding onto my chin as he pressed a soft kiss to my lips. I knew that he was being sweet and trying to save me any kind of worrying that I didn't need to do, but I knew something was bothering him and I didn't want him to have to go through this alone.
"Austin" I said quietly, his eyes looking over towards me. "You can tell me baby, I bother you every single day with some kind of ridiculous request or that something is wrong with me. Just like I'm not in this alone neither are you" I said giving him a pleading stare as he let out a breath, his hand running through his hair as he took a few minutes to gather his thoughts.
"First why are you so perfect?" he asked with a smile pressing his soft lips against mine as I giggled against his lips. I knew that I was far from perfect especially right now, but the fact that I was perfect for him was more than enough for me.
"I'm perfect because I have an amazing man who loves me for who I am, that's why" I said, his lips curving into a smile as he pressed them against mine again before slowly pulling them away. "Next?" I asked with a grin as he let out a small laugh.
"I've just been thinking about a lot of things with the baby" he said, his eyes falling towards my lap as he started rubbing his hands over my warm thighs, my hand coming up to rest under his chin as I brought his gaze back up towards me.
"Like what?" I asked shaking my head as he looked at me with a worried gaze.
"Am I gonna be a good Dad Candace?" his question making that lump form in my throat as I struggled to find words but couldn't string them together quick enough to answer before he continued. "I mean I know you say that I am with Liam and I feel it too but he is older. He can tell me what he wants and what he doesn't want. With a baby, I just have to know and what if I can't figure it out? What if they never feel comfortable with me?" he said, his eyes dancing with mine as I brought my hands up and cupped his cheeks, my lips colliding with his as I tried my best to take away all of his fears, all of his anxieties and replace them with nothing but happy thoughts.
"Austin" I said shaking my head, my lips pressing back against his again as I felt tears start to leak down my cheeks feeling every emotion that he had felt flow through me. "You are going to be an amazing Dad Austin. I know it's scary baby, believe me but I know that you are going to be so amazing. I can feel it in every part of me. When we finally meet our baby you are just going to feel something inside of you that just clicks and everything you are feeling right now about not knowing how to give them what they want, that's all going to be second nature to you" I said with a smile before leaning in and pressing his lips against mine again.
"Not to mention you won't have to do this alone remember, I will be right here helping you even though I know that I won't have to because our baby will love you so much" I said reaching down for his hand as I gently laid it against my swollen stomach, smiling as he gently moved his thumb over the fabric of his shirt as I pressed another kiss to his lips.
"I love you Austin, and I have never been more comfortable bringing a baby into the world than I do right now" I said with a smile as he rested his forehead against mine, his lips pressing a chaste kiss against my own as he slowly pulled himself away.
"I love you too Candace and I'm sorry I am so unsure, I just want to be perfect for all of you" he said letting out a small laugh as I pressed my finger to his lips.
"I don't need you to be perfect Austin, I just need you to be you and that's more than I could ever ask for" I said with a smile. "We got this baby, the both of us together" I said, his smile widening as he melted his lips softly against mine.
"Always together sweetheart for the rest of eternity"
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A/N: Things have gotten so much better between the both of them and come on, can he be any more of model boyfriend!? Where can I find one? I hope you liked this little time hop of their pregnancy and are looking forward for month three next update. As always thanks for reading, voting and commenting always appreciated so much.