Pinanood ko lang si North na tinuyo ang mukha matapos maghilamos. Kami lang ang nandito sa cr ngayon. She stared at me from the mirror and gave me a soft smile. Ibinalik ko naman iyon sa kanya ng isang ngiti rin.
Naglakad siya palapit sa akin at muling yumakap. Kusa ko na lang inabot ang kanyang noo para kintalan ng magaan na halik iyon matapos humiwalay ng bahagya sa kanya. "Are you okay now?"
"A little bit," medyo paos ang boses na sagot niya.
I held her hand and gave a few kisses on it. "Labas muna tayo?"
Tumango siya bilang sagot. Para siyang bata ngayon, na para bang kahit ano yatang sabihin ko ay papayag ito. It's the first time I saw her this vulnerable. Kahit sino naman siguro ay magiging ganito, baka kahit ako kung may mangyaring hindi maganda sa isa sa mga kapatid ko.
I just feel glad na she's giving me the chance to comfort her at this dark times. Gusto ko lang maging okay siya palagi, kahit wala akong magawa masyado. Basta nandito lang ako.
Binalikan namin yung kambal na tahimik lang na nakaupo, parehas mga mugto rin ang mata. Nakasarado yung room ni South. Napatingin sila sa amin. East, just like her sister, gave a warm smile. She's just like that, a very pleasant soul.
"You're here din pala," sabi niya. "Hindi kita napansin, Girly."
Pinigilan kong huwag mapangiwi sa nickname na ginamit niya at nginitian na lang siya. "Okay lang ba kayo?"
"Okay lang kami," Umakbay pa siya kay West na tahimik lang ding nakamasid sa amin.
"Lalabas lang kami ni Gail, okay lang ba?" North asked. Hindi pa nga siya tapos magsalita ay tumatango na kaagad yung kambal. "You want me to buy something for you two?"
"Pancit canton."
"Ramen."
Natawa si North at ginulo parehas yung buhok ng kambal. "Sige, sandwich na lang."
Ngumuso si East pero hindi naman kumontra. Nagkibit naman ng balikat si West pero tumango rin hindi kalaunan. Ang cute ng dalawang ito. They look really alike but they're so different in some ways.
"Where's Jade pala?" Halos magkasabayan naming tanong ni North.
Umiling si East. "Nandiyan lang iyon si Jadey. Larga na kayo, ingat sa date!"
"It's not a date," Natatawang sabi ni North. Kinurot niya siya pisngi ang kapatid.
"Friendly date?"
"Sure, sure."
Nakakanerbiyos itong si East, parang may laman yung pang-aasar. Hindi pa naman din kasi namin napag-uusapan kailan namin sasabihin sa mga kapatid niya yung about sa amin, I doubt din naman na ito yung perfect time. Ang dami pang kailangan i-prioritize.
"Let's go?" Balewalang inangkla ni North ang braso niya sa akin. Tumango naman ako.
Walang imikan na naglakad kami hanggang makalabas ng ospital. Nang sa tingin ko ay kami na lang dalawa ay muli ko siyang hinawakan sa kamay. She looked at me and chuckled.
"Hindi ka na nahihiya?"
Kahit mainit ang panahon ay naramdaman kong dumoble yata yung init sa mukha ko dahil sa tanong na 'yon. Nahihiya pa rin ako konti, pero lunok-lunok na lang. Girlfriend ko naman na siya, pwede naman na siguro magmatapang ng kaunti.
Also, she's letting me feel like it's okay for me to express. And she's doing the same. We're lovers, after all. Hindi ko mapigilan mapangiti sa thought na 'yon.
Napadpad kami sa malapit na coffeeshop. Lately ay dumarami na rin yung mga coffeeshop sa kahit saang lugar halos. Kung hindi kape and the likes ay milktea naman ang patok at dinadayo. Pagpasok namin sa loob ay pumailanlang yung soft na background song. Hindi ko lang alam kung anong kanta, basta maganda sa pandinig.
Medyo matao na rin, pero at least kahit papaano ay tahimik at mukhang peaceful ang ambiance, contrary to the busy streets outside.
As if we're thinking alike, parehas naming napili yung puwesto na medyo isolated. Enough to be hidden from the other customers, but also enough to appreciate the overall interior of the place.
"What do you want?" tanong ni North. "Kakain ka ba?"
"Coffee lang, you can choose for me."
"Kahit halo-halo flavor?"
Kumunot ang noo ko. "May ganoong flavor?"
She shrugged. She's grinning like a kid teasing her playmate. "Wishful thinking?"
Parang basta yata may halo-halo, go pa rin si North. Natawa tuloy ako. Siya itong cute ngayon sa totoo lang.
Napailing na lang ako habang nangingiti. Gusto niya lang precised ang kunin ko, eh. "Java chip frappe, North. Regular size."
"Nice," She leaned and gave me a chaste kiss on the cheek. Parang natural lang nito iyon kung gawin. Napansin ko rin yung ibang napapasilip sa gawi namin. Sino ba naman hindi mapapatingin kay North? Eh, ang ganda niya. "I'll be back in a bit."
I motioned my payment para sa order ko pero umiling lang siya sa akin. Hindi na lang ako nagpumilit. I'll just treat her next time.
Pinanood ko lang si North maglakad palayo. Tumayo pa ako para lang silipin siya hanggang makarating sa counter. Pagkatapos no'n ay prente na rin akong naupo.
I checked my phone to see kung may notifications pero wala naman. I'm just casually scrolling sa newsfeed kahit walang nagr-register sa utak ko na kung anong post. Huminto lang ako nang dumating na si North. She was holding a small disc shaped buzzer and the receipt and placed it on the table.
"Hey."
"Hey."
She sat beside me. Two seater couch itong pinuwestuhan namin and a coffee table with books available. She squeezed herself beside me, her hand playing with mine, like we're all alone.
North is more clingy than I am.
"I'm glad you came," mahinang saad niya. "Thank you."
Hindi nagtagal ay umilaw yung buzzer with a short vibration, okay na yung order. Umalis saglit si North at pagbalik niya ay dala na niya ang order namin. Inabot niya yung akin at mahina naman ang nagpasalamat. Naka-wrap na rin yung para sa magkapatid, parang ang dami pa nga ng laman no'n. Baka para kay Jade din.
Jade...I know it's hard on her part, too. Lalo pa at may nararamdaman ito kay South.
"Kamusta na pala si South?" I wasn't able to ask her kanina lalo na't bigla na lang ako nitong sinugod ng yakap habang umiiyak, then nag-aya sa cr para makapaghilamos.
"She's fine na raw pero under observation pa rin," she said. "She'll be discharged naman din kaagad kung walang makikitang mali sa result ng tests niya and if she'll wake up the soonest. It's really a good thing lang na she was able to get medical attention on time."
Hindi ko maiwasan maawa sa kanya. Her sister attempted suicide, they almost lose her. Imagine how heavy it was for them. That burden of what they did wrong or what they lacked at that someone close to them reached that point na pipiliin nitong mawala na lang.
Just knowing how it must be painful for North, I can't help but get hurt, too. I always see her na palaging composed, like she's making us see na everything's okay.
Pero just like everyone else, we all have shadows we don't want people to see. We all have someone we're afraid to lose. We all have demons we're dealing with inside.
North is just as vulnerable as I am. She's strong, but that doesn't give anyone the liberty to say she doesn't need a shoulder to lean on.
"Hmm," I cleared my throat. Hindi ko sure paano isasatinig yung naiisip ko nang hindi makaka-offend o kung ano man. "May rason ba yung kapatid mo para...para mag-attempt?"
Nakatingin lang siya sa coffee table pero parang blangko ang titig niya. It's like her mind was elsewhere. Para pang nabalik lang ito sa reyalidad nang mahina kong tapikin ang kamay niya.
The warmth of her gaze returned. She didn't smile, and I can now tell the struggles despite that soft stare and calm demeanor. "Marami sigurong rason, pero hindi ko alam kung ano ang nag-trigger. Si South, kahit gaano kami kalapit sa isa't isa, she never shared her thoughts with me. She's gentle, really gentle, and sweet, but she's distant to an extent...and I think I know the reason why."
"Bakit?"
"She saw one of my flaws," Natawa siya, but it was devoid of humor. I'm currently seeing a different side of North. "The nice thing is, when she asked me before if I was okay, she asked me as if she'd seen past through me, as if South saw something we don't normally see. Ngayon ko napagtatanto na similar kaming magkapatid to an extent."
I don't know if I have the right to ask what those flaws are exactly. Pakiramdam ko masyadong sensitive iyon, kaya vague siya magkuwento. I don't want to draw distance between us, now that I'm just starting to know her again.
This color of North, I want it, too.
I gave her fingers a gentle squeeze. I settled my eyes on hers, letting her know my presence. That she won't lose me.
Nakakalunod talaga siya tumingin ─ malalim, nanghihila, nangingilala. Her stares felt like drowning but never suffocating, if that even makes sense. "Let me see you some other time...when you're ready."
"When I'm ready."
_____